"And I'm high enough on all of the waiting to ride a wave on your inhaling Because I love you-- I can't help but love you." Today went a bit sour today, but the trampoline made it a little better... I love the trampoline. It forces the talks -- not so much a forcing, but more of a catalyst to the whole blossoming of something great ... or even possible addressing something terrible. I love it all. I told Jake that I love him. That was strange. It felt good when it fell off of my lips... then my whole body suddenly jolted like a vacuum as if it wanted it back... I've never said it to anyone like that... with all of that feeling behind it. Sure, I've been sincere when I've told people this three-worded phrase, but I've always been so afraid of being shut down by him... and instead, I got a "Thank you." yeah. But wait, pause "I love you, too." How very nice... it wasn't like amazing validation -- and I was so glad that my emotions weren't depending on that feeling, because the only place I get that type of validation is from my God. Yeah, so I said it. It was kind of cool, except the last few times we've looked up through those tree branches have those words have been swished around in my mouth, I thought they were going to be stale. We talked over a lot of things, and I really appreciate that we do communicate. But seriously, he was like, "I thought maybe you went through all of In Pursuit" -- in reference to my crush on KJ. He was asking all about it and everything... it was so bad. I threw a fit, and he makes me stay, he pulls me closer, he wants to hear -- it's hard to deny him that. It's everything, I really like just the very relaxed kind of atmosphere the trampoline offers... the weather has been so kind to us... soon enough we are going to about ten feet away from one another yelling our thoughts -- the temperatures are not going to permit any more resting. That is one of my favorite parts... just being able to lie there beneath the grand tree that weaves its branches so delicately over the moon. To have him snuggle up to me as the cool wind blows -- I know I won't have him forever. Then he ruins it and asks me if we're too physical ... if he was taking anything away from my future husband. No no, this is it: "If you are being intimate with your husband, I don't want you to think about me." That was a little awkward AND I wanted to call him on that. I didn't call him out, but I definitely did recognize the tension... and I told him I think about a lot of people when we're lying there... and it's true. But I do see where he is coming from. I told him I wasn't too fond of thinking of my future husband... "Why?" "Because I have to think about your future wife." "And what do you think of her?" "I don't know her." Then he laughed. I did too -- I'd love to be with him. I think. It's up to God, because I know I've saved a lot of things for this boy that he wasn't even aware of... he was asking me after that whole conversation if I had ever had that kind of time with my crushes in the past. I had to be honest and tell him no... never... I had never held hands, never snuggled, never did any of that stuff -- it wasn't serious enough ... I didn't want to give that away. He was mildly taken aback... I think. He's my first everything -- I mean, to first base. Is first base still hand holding or did it progress to kissing -- because if that's it, I might have made it 1/4 of the way to first base. YES. Nearly 18 and still haven't touched any plates. Yayyy. Sorry. He said something that made me feel so much better about me and my silly thoughts, he goes, "Sometimes, I just think 'man, I could just make out with this girl right now.'" Honestly, to hear that makes me feel better since I think about him like that accidentally. I won't take that from his wife, but I think I'm entitled to some things. It seems perfect. Us. Only on some days. We're both at the same place (now) with all of that. I love that. I think I admire him greatly. He will never know. Stuffed animal? I like snuggling. I pull away when I start to get uncomfortable -- I still don't know how I feel with all of it. I like being close and hearing/feeling heartbeats... I like how it's so modest... I just like to be wrapped up in him mostly... I usually immediately want to get up and play frisbee or something. TENNIS. It's a tennis feeling. He makes me want to play tennis. It's true. I love tennis.