Failure...I am destined to be a failure. life is hitting me all at once and I don't know if I'll be able to handle it with the grace that I may handly other things with. I was always the one who said that I need to get out of here and experience life indepentently, but now I am so scared. It's hititng me like a ton of bricks that success is not guaranteed, and while I want to do something I love, nothing I love will ever be safe. I was always teh one looking forward to growing up, but now I want to hold on. I need to let go and breathe on my own. I feel the tears well before I begin to cry just thinking that I may fail. My greatest fear: Failure. I don't think I'll be able to handle it. Will I find success? Will i find love? Will I find hate? Or Failure? This is where I am torn. I've never been like everyone else. Half free spirit, half practical tightass. Why can't I find a happy medium like myself. And why do I feel so alone. Its all bombarding me. And I feel so alone. I'm scared. Everyone has a plan. I thought I had one, but then I realized there were too many holes penetrating the surface and i'd fall through so fast. I dont want to be alone. Colleges are emailing me, telling me to choose them, but how can i choose a school with out knowing what I want to do with my life. It hurts.

I WANNA GO OUUUUTTT....Maybe Andrew and I will go somewhere. We haven't hung out besides the car rides home since summer i think. It's sad that we've grown so far apart. I really miss being close to him. Maybe this is for the best though, even though that doesn't make sense. I miss the profound talks about profound things, or profound talks about stupid things. Gah...things change...not for better or for worse always..but for change. Friends that are way overdue for some quality Ashley Time. (In no particular order) Andrew Kala Michelle (Fatass hehe) Patrick (Since ERIE!!) Erin The Rest of the Pittsburgh Crew im sure theres more... ********************************************** Just got home from driving around with Andrew. I can cross him off my list now. I called michelle, and I tried to get things straightened out. O well. List.. Andrea Krystal Megan MADDY!!! OMG YES MADDY!!!!! MAryann Nooper Pretty much all the SRU people Kayla and Sarah Nakita Emily C. (i havent talked to her since the fair) GAH This is so depressing! lol I MISS YOU ALLLLLLLL MUch love

WEll, possible surprise party in my future, for marissa. We want the guys to come..all the pitt people!! Except for Kyle..he's a hermit lol jp. I drew Kyle C today, because yea i needed a live set of eyes...I got him outta study hall, he was happy! Well I'm in a random lyrics mood because I cant quite explain how i feel at the moment (besides bleh) but this may TBS New American Classic... "We've got to get better," I said, "It's all in your head." We could live through these letters Or forget it all together ***See the months they don't matter It's the days I can't take When the hours move to minutes And I'm seconds away*** Just ask the question come untie the knot Say you won't care, Say you won't care Retrace the steps as if we forgot ***Say you won't care, say you won't care Try to avoid it but there's not a doubt And there's one thing I can do nothing about** When all that we need is just a reaction ***It's too much to ask for When there's no attraction anymore*** If chasing our dreams is just a distraction I want to remember When I know that I can't go back ***really explain me ....I dont think he's attracted to me anymore ;( ugh well im gonna go meet Lindsey in Pitt for Dinner for Daddy's Birthday! w/l ..there's one thing, I can do nothing about....

GAH This is my second attempt to writing this entry! And my second entry of the day lol..I needed some private room to vent. I usually dont get mood swings...but they're horrible. I'm so sorry if I was a bitch this weekend! And last night I freaking flipped a switch. It was like everyone and everything was crumbling. It felt like I was holding my breath, and my chest was collapsing, and all I could feel was the crap! Its like im waiting to exhale. I talked jto Pattiecakes though and he made me feel better. I just feel like I worked so hard to get past this and now its all coming back. I went to 7 springs this weekend! GREAT!!! WE were out numbered for a change. 5 guys (Mike,Kyle, James, Chris, AJ), 3 girls (Erin, Anissa, and I), a f**k load of fun times! And everything broke!** Friday..WEnt to Erins..hung out..the usual...I went to sleep while she took a shower, and I guess Steve couldn't see me under the covers and he thought I ran away or soemthing..lol Saturday..Rode up, Got rooms, Noticed a ball fell off my earring**, went to LMI, Mike grabbed my shirt..broke my clevage improving bra**...went to 7 springs..played air hockey...saw a dance off start...anissa and i joined the dance off (THOSE SUCKERS GOT SERVED!!!)...on the way back to the hotel, the necklace Kyle bought me for my birthday broke** :( i didn;t even do anything to make it break!!I ALMOST cried. I loved that necklace...it was like a reminder of him..ok im getting sappy...MOVING ON!!...Went to the guys room with Anissa...hung out..almost did something, but I'm nice so i didn't...I apparently fell asleep...left at like 4:30!! Sunday...Breakfast...boarding (GREAT TIMES WITH ERIN!!!!)So sore right now but it was worth it 100%...Tubing with everyone but Kyle and Mike (butts) because Kyle didn't have snowpants or something so he unzipped the bottom of his pants and went swimming....smart I know..It was like 3 degrees..lol anyways we went tubing, and James and I had some interesting conversatins about why I didn't "sleep with him" lol, And I confessed that I'm using Kyle to get to Chris ;) lol Chris is adorable...you have to hug him!..We're gonna have short babies together!...went back to Erins...watched the game :(..Went to change my mommy's oil...DROPPED THE CAP IN THE CAR!!!!****** lol I know....After much struggle and praying Anissa emerged from the garage with gunk all over her shirt and said, "Never send a man (Steve) to do a woman's job..I got it.." Lol I used to think she was so girly..until when we were watching the game and talking and she grabbed we crotch randomly....all she needed to do was belch..but she had difficulties..Haha..great times..can't wait to go again...So sore..but it was worth it!!!!

I'm JANIS!!!! I LOVE HER...SHE CRACKS ME UP.....crack....hmmm Janice Ian Which Mean Girl are you? brought to you by Quizilla IM ALSO NAPOLEON!!!!!HOW SWEET IS THAT!!!!!!! Napoleon Dyanamite (Please rate my quiz) Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you? brought to you by Quizilla

I've just had a verrry insightful conversation with Angela. It was about growing up, not being stupid, knowing who your friends are, and relationships at this point. We found it soo stupid thinking about "how it goes." People are just like, "will you go out with me?" "Yea" ...."sweet...umm i have a girlfriend....neato..." COME ON PEOPLE!! I've decided that I haven't found anyone worth having a relationship yet. The one relationship I was in started so fast. I definatley rushed into it, but I'm not sure if I regret it or not. Now I know what I want a little more than I did then. I want to actually be seeing someone for a while, kind of see what a relationship may be like, before I actually have one. Another thing we talked about was change. Both of us realize that time brings change, but both of us also noticed the recent directions this change took. The short year between our 15th and 16th birthdays brought so much more vision to our lives. I think so much differently than I used to about everything. My future, my relationships, my friendships, what people think about the world and whether I believe (and know) whether its right or wrong have all become a little more clear. Sure change is scary, but at some point time is going to kick us in the ass and tell us to get a hold of things. Stop being so naive. And though I realize that I have grown up, and I am not the innocent person I once was, I still have a youthful streak that will stay with me as long as I can hold onto it (forever I hope). Friends..I will not take your shit..I will speak my mind...if you can't handle it,then you can't handle me...I will not participate in gossip, rumor spreading, the "I heard from..."'s...because you can't believe everything you hear...I will wait until I'm ready to handle a relationship..and even then I will enter in my own time...I will not be afraid to have my heart broken, because it will happen...I won't say things I know I do not mean...I will not let anyone elses opinions affect my descisions, because I know I can trust my judgement...I will trust my friends to push me in the right direction when I need them...I will listen to reason and at least consider it... I may be 11 days late...but writing this I've found my resolutions... I love you...you know who you are....

Well, well, well, its been a while....My diary didn't want me to write in it so i said, "FINE BIZNATCH!!!" and I started a normal journal which I'll still use. I can be a tad more open in it even though I swore not to talk badly about people in it, and I haven't. Well you know how it is...I suppose you don't. Well I can't fill you in on everything so here's a tad. I think one of my friends hates me. I am trying to get focused. I am trying to throw a portfolio together to turn in my Jan 6th!!!! FREAKING!!!!! blah...I should go paint!...I'm DOING IT BYEEEEE

I never met someone quite like you. Sorry for what I've done and put you through. We were together that night When it all went wrong. Heaven's coming. She moves over and slides her hand in mine. The wheel slips and we cross the double lines. We were together that night When it all went wrong. Heaven's coming. Don't cry tonight. I know that it will be alright. Don't cry tonight. You're still with me. We finally came to a stop on the other side. You were still in the car. So where was I? Somebody wake me up. I swear I must be dreaming. This can't be happening. I feel her screaming. In the end. Don't cry tonight. And I know that it will be alright. Don't cry tonight. You're still with me. You're still with me. I can't breathe. I still feel your arms around me. In my dreams, you're still with me. Now I'm older Still lonely But you're by my side. I can't help but Get choked up Break down and cry. Held your last breath in my hands But I let it go. God forgive me. Don't cry tonight. And I know that it will be alright. Don't cry tonight. You're still with me. --I can't believe we gave it up. I'm gonna miss you so much. All I want is to see you once before you go. But even then I wonder if that will make it harder to let go....

Hey guys! sorry its been so long but whenever i try to make an entry i get dicked over! hehe UPDATE I went to the SoCo concert with Andy!!! They played Konstantine AND If I Die Which is awesome, not to mention Hey YA!!! hehe I got some really rad pics. AND JOSH'S AUTOGRAPH! "He looked right at me..." -Andy lol I have to pay full price for workshops even though I'm missing over half :( Which means if I want to go to the Art Program I have to pay for most if not all of it myself, but if I decide I want it that much it will be worth it. I decided I'm gonna be a new person. I'm sick of being lazy. I wanna give everything 100% even if it kills me. That's the only way I'm gonna get what I want, so I'm gonna try my hardest. I told Sarah and Kayla that if I'm happy with my piece I'm auditioning them for stars. I'd like to audition for stars as well with hopes that Vaughn gets his act together and realizes that his little babies suck! There will be nothing but satisfaction for me when I see my expression through those 3 girls. Not only will I see my hardwork, but also their's and that means the world to me, whether its on stage or in a crap room at the studio. Well im emotionally exhausted at the moment. STAY IN SCHOOL....until summer!!!!

I never meant to cause you any sorrow I never meant to cause you any pain I only wanted to one time see you laughing I only want to see you laughing in the purple rain Purple rain purple rain Purple rain purple rain Only want to see you bathing in the purple rain I never wanted to be your weekend lover I only wanted to be some kind of friend Baby I could never steal you from another It's such a shame our friendship had to end Purple rain purple rain Purple rain purple rain I only want to see you underneath the purple rain Honey I know times are changing Its time we all reach out for something new That means you too You say you want a leader But you can't seem to make up your mind I think you better close it And let me guide you to the purple rain Purple rain purple rain Purple rain purple rain I only want to see you In the purple rain...

WELL JORDIES BEEEN GONE TOO LONG!! I miss her. She needs to come back bc right now there's a million people I'd like to deck. Lindsey turned 18 on Friday. Mommy turns ** on Saturday, and Emily turns 12 on Sunday. MY O MY!!! Well on Saturday I went to 2 plays, Drood and Emily's The Wizard of Oz. This weekend I may go to the Jr. High dance to help, but I'm deffinatley going to Kayla's party! Sat...anywhere but here, Emily is having a party...GRR!!! and then next weekend I'm thinking battle of the bands...Yup....I'm boring..deal with it...lots of love to you all!!

MY MY it's been quite a while!!! Well I'll start with Friday. I went to my daddy's play and sat in the production booth with him. Before it started the lights guy was talking to me and as he sat in his chair, the leg slipped off the stairs and he fell into the doorway. He was okay, and the rest of the night he said he "fell for me." Later we went to Intermissions with the cast and the crew and of course...ZACHARY!!!!(Michelle gasps with jealousy!) lol Saturday morning I went to class and rehearsal. Then I went home, showered and went to the Rugby game. We lost the first game (I forget the name of the other team) but won the second against RMU. There Erin and I decided I was goin to her place. That night we went to the mall with Anissa. I bought balls at Hot Topic. Then we bought chinese food and sushi, we back to Erin's and ate it. Late that night, Mike called, and we talked to him and AJ and Anissa bothered Kyle. (SORRY KYLE!!!) The next day we went to work with Erin at the Andy Warhal museum. It was amazed and of course since I'm really into art, I liked it quite a bit. I helped out with the stuff Erin was working on and then Erin and I went back to her house. We watched Anime outtakes, Mike called AGAIN and we watched The Breakfast Club until my mommy came. I got out of the car to realize that some idiot left gum on the car seat and I sat in it. I went inside and yelled at Emily. She went to bed. Later I came downstairs and she was crying to my mom. She doesnt wanna leave St. Vitus, but she has to. She will be sooo behind if she doesnt switch, and she won't be alone. All the 7th graders will be new, and I'll be there to humiliate her in public...I MEAN help the poor dear out...WELP I better go take a shower! Love and Peace!

Hey! Here's an update. The concert is off. :( Easter is tomorrow. I had a get-together last night. It wasnt too bad. I made sure not alot of people found out even though two people I hadn't intended on inviting, I invited, and since I havent spoken to either of them since 7th grade, I really wished that they hadn't been there. But besides that, it was fun. We watched "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." After everyone left cept for my Meggie, we had a nice conversation about how I always get used for parties. People are always mean to me until they find out I'm having a party. I can't stand it. My birthday bash...I invited 50 people...at least 100 showed, and I most of the extra guests, I either hated, never spoke to, or didnt even know they existed. Shit like that pisses me off so bad. Grr well, Easter is tomorrow. I get to go to Murrysville.......I went to the doctor the other day....I think he's insane. He's resorted to magic tricks. I wanted to be like...ok dude I'm not 4. He needs to retire. I told him I had an ear ache the other day and he didn't even check my ears. The he named all the symptoms of a sinus infection...I had none..."You have a sinus infection..." PEOPLE ARE DUMB!!!!!!!!! I hate going to the doctor and he wants me to come back in 2 weeks...YEA RIGHT!!! He says I need a physical. I HAVE TO GET ONE IN 6 MONTHS YOU MORON!!! I told my mom the next time I go back there to get me an appointment with the other person and if she's as off as he is we're going somewhere else. It agrivates me just thinking about how dumb some people are. Especially when they have important jobs like that. I mean you don't want your doctor having a hobby like magic. I heard some guy talking about that. He was like, "What if it was your gynocologist and he like started pulling quarters and shit outta there..." lol I must look young if the doctor's doing magic...and the receptionist asked me if i wanted a sticker....damn the fact that I stopped aging in 7th grade!!! EHH Well I'm gone...ADIOS!!!

I've decided to think of weird titles for my entries, it's too hard for me to name them normal stuff. eg.Everypoops, no clue....Anyway today I found out that Kinsey, one of the little girls I babysat for on Saturday said I was a good babysitter which is good because I had fun with them. They were both sooo cute! Anyway, My internet will work, and then not work, and tehn work...it's weird and it's pissing me off! Haha. Yea I need to see if Andy's mom will let him go because if i don't find out soon the trip is off! AND I still need someone for six flags!!! O boy! I better go mingle! buy ya'll!!!

Hey Guys! Yea it's Sunday and I lost and hour of sleep! The previous entry...don't ask, friends can suck! Yea... yesterday, the cast of teh play was here because my sister was having a party. It was fun. There were some crazy characters here. Nora, Nakita, Kyle, Matt, Andy....ok well I wouldn't call him crazy either but he came! Yea He has to tell me if he's going to the concert because if he doesn't then I can't go because Michelle can't. :( Yea, anywho, last night, Perry found my Family Guy dvd so he started a lil marathon. Actually we just watched like 5 episodes, but that show rocks so it was fun. Today, I did nothing except complain to my friends about my dad who did SOMETHING last night...but I really can't say so if you wanna know ask and I might tell you. Yep, well that's all I can think of at the moment....so for now I'm leaving! BYE!!!!

Go ahead and stab me in the back like that. But don't stop there. Just as I grab my chest, gasp for air, and collapse to my knees, hold a gun to my head. Stand there and tell me all my flaws, and how you're so much better. But you're too cruel to pull the trigger. You just leave me there to drown in my pain. And then the other one comes and rather than helping me up, walks all over me, and tramples my spirit. Some friends I have. The worst part, i let it happen...

Hello! My day! 6:30 am- Woke up 7:00 am- Told Mom I was goin to school late. 7:00 am-10:42 am- Slept with Marley. 11:02 am- Ate breakfast...lunch?....brunch! 12:00 pm- Mommy picks me up and takes me to school. 12:02 pm- Stroll casually into Bio 12:02 + 5 seconds pm- Give Skerb my pass. 12:07 pm- Take test. ....Go to Algebra, theres a weird guy in there, too casually dressed to be a student teacher, too old to be a transfer... ....Spanish, Mrs. C. yells in her Caldonatese accent, I do the paper... ...Civics, our class is retarded, we talk about off-topic stuff, finish the notes and go home!! Theres a plumber here...the dogs are going nuts, and i have to pee!!! I need someone to take to 6 flags. Preferably a guy. Jordan-I've come to a conclusion. Me- Yes? Jordan- You're taking Alex. Me-That could turn out to be a "joey" situation. Jordan- What? Me-I never met him. Jordan- O..Scratch that.. lol I love her. Anywho, I wanna bring a guy for 2 reasons. A)What all you perverted freaks are thinking. B)Guys are so fun to hang out with. So if you're a guy, who wants to go to 6 flags, IM me....lol jp.. Well until something more exciting, I'm gone!!! Chao!

Here's my poem, I think it's done. Let me know what your think. IM me if you wanna know what something means! Andrew's Song He sits alone with pen in hand On this solitary day The colors splash across his face His words begin to prey Upon the crinkled paper It hurts for him to share In a wrenching, flowing melody But he doesn’t seem to care Young, alone, and naive Just learning how to breathe Unlocked, completely open So much he can’t perceive The lessons seem to hit him So much for him to learn This poetry, it heals him When his wings begin to burn Emotions flowing from his pen The music in his mind His thoughts become a painful song No words are hard to find In a constant fluid motion The words are scribbled down He doesn’t know if it even makes sense He feels himself begin to drown Just him and his piano No one to ridicule His heart summons a teardrop His tears become his fuel He’s blinded by emotion No one to interrupt As the pain is flowing through his veins And one note is heard abrupt His fingers move without him The music they make grows Into a song like baby’s breath Around a thorny rose His song seems never ending He’s lost all track of time Consumed whole by the music Lost into the rhyme He plays ‘til he feels empty But there’s still pain in his soul He strikes the keys with anger That thorny rose, no longer whole Extended fingers now in fists Self anger screams his name Collapsing into tired arms His anger now seems tame With every key that he may strike A petal hits the ground His pain slowly unravels With every tiny sound His music is his therapy Its feeds on hurt and pain When he’s feeling shaken up It takes away his strain. There’s no more anger in his heart Merely heartache and regret With a song grasped tightly by his soul Around events he won’t forget ~*Ashley*~

Hello all! I'm sick. I'm bored. I puked in my water :( Don't worry I got new water. I don't know why but today I feel empty. Somethings missing and I cant put my finger on it. Maybe I'm lonely or bored, I may never know... It's a quiet day. My sister's friends are gone and I realize now how much we get along and how much her and her friends look up to me. Last night was bad. This morning my mother was like, "Are you okay?" I replied, "Well I'm still kinda semi-suffocating..." and she said, "I mean mentally.." and with the screaming little people I assumed that's who she was talking about until she said,"****'s an asshole!" Yes, I do love my mother very much! Anyways, I'm not gonna hold a grudge even though I should beacuse friendship is way more important to me than....anything...I'd do anything for my friends and I hope they know that and that I love and appreciate them all more than they could ever know. My dad decided yesterday that I could go to the Something Corporate and Yellowcard concert! I'm really excited. I just need to hear from Michelle and Andy before I buy the tickets. I'm hoping there will be come floor ones left. Still working on the poem. When I think its close to done I may post it, but who knows.

Well I started this entry and it didnt work so I'm gonna try it again..Jordan once said I was too picky, now she says I'm not picky enough. I heard the new Hoobastank song, The Reason, and I want that. I want someone who will be willing to change just because they think I'm worth it, but I know I may never find it, and if I do it will be a looong time from now so I'm gonna enjoy growing up while I'm still doing it. I'm actually kinda content with not liking anyone seriously. Sure there's the occasional, "he's cute," or "he's a sweety!", but nothing serious. I did meet two really sweet guys who I'd like to get to know better, even if it's just to be friends, one of them has a girlfriend, and one is perfect(he'd sooo pass Jordie's test), but I wanna know him better before considering anything. And then theres someone who I miss like hell, and maybe its a waste of time and energy to miss him, maybe its not, but I'm sure I'll just need time to get over it. In other news...I wrote a poem for English, I'm elaborating on it. It's called "Andrew's Song." It's about...Andrew...DUH! Just got back from Passion of the Christ. Excellent. Go see it. Even if you don't believe in God, you will appreciate it. Well I'll stop boring you. If you wanna ask me anything or just chat IM me. Outtie