Everyone is pretty much strongly disliking me right now. It's depressing. I wish I could take every wrong thing I did and make it right. God how different the world would be. But I guess we all need to learn from our mistakes. Too bad I obviously haven't. It'd be nice to play with a razorblade but I'm going to my moms house tonight and that'd just cause more problems than it's worth. Not like it solves anything for anyone else anyways. You guys all probably think that I'm just pathetic. When I really am. Okay...bye.

Uhm.. New entry. I guess it's been a little while. [call me fucking retarded] but I think my dark hair gives me a certain sense of confidence. It's cool. Like today I wasn't afraid to be a loud stupid [SINGING] girl. I was in such a good mood. Sex is such a funny topic. It bugs me when people get pissed because it's a sin to fuck or whatever. Not everyone has the same beliefs. Really random. Sorry. Nothing interesting worth saying right now.

if you read this and you know me personally please leave me a comment to tell me you do so. I'm not going to stop writing in it if you do. I'm just curious. Thanks.

I think I'm gonna start using this diary more because Liliana and Justine don't know it and I hate having them read all my shit. So yeah that boy sure gets to me and Justine tried to talk to him last night and I dont know whether or not to love her or hate her for it. But whatever, ya know. I guess I'll just have to see what happens. Nothing should though since he has a girlfriend and it was pointless for her to even talk to him. Same with Brittany. Yeah. I love him. End of story.

Don't let go... Hold me until the sun rises. She doesn't have to know... Can't you tell by the look in my eyes You've always been the one.. Guess what? He's never gonna know. -wants to cry- ergh. I'm not fair. I'm fake and predictable.

I'm not afraid to tell people I'm bi anymore. Wait I'm lying. I refuse to tell any of my best friends. I don't know why. I'm scared of what people think. Even though I've known I was bi since pretty much 5th grade...I'm just now telling other people. I think it's really cool though how I have so many other friends that are actually in the same position as me. By the way. I've not hurt myself for white awhile now. I think it's been about a month. I stopped about a week before my little sister was born. She's absolutely beautiful, by the way. Okay, I'm off to bed, just thought an update would be nice for the few that read this. <3

GOD DAMMIT.

Thanks. I'm going to drown myself now. -Michelle.

Disgusting. My wrists have gotten so gross. They look like they're bruising and decaying. Like I have a disease or something. Which I don't. Only an obsession with a razorblade.. I just want a shoulder to lean on or something. Somebody to tell me everything will be okay, somebody that shows me that they really care about me. There's nobody out there like that for me.

Seriously, what's so great about it anyways? You get built up just to get let down. And you know what? I'm done with it. I refuse to keep hurting myself like this. 'I know I'm not falling in love...I'm just falling to pieces' He does nothing but mess with my mind. I fall so hard for him too. He tells me he loves me, then as soon as he's gone he's with my best friend, and he loves her rather than me. I fucking hate guys. I'm about ready to cry right now. I am so confused. I know I have all of these thoughts...but you know as damn well as I do...that as soon as he comes over, I'll do whatever he wants. If this...is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up...on love. I FUCKING HATE IT. I need to learn how to harden my heart. I'm so tired of this stupid love crap. I hate it. I really wish I could learn to hate him too...

Hmm. i havent written in here in awhile Stab me in the face... i think i might kinda like him again. Even though i told him earlier that i couldnt stand him and to fuck off, whcih ive never said to ne one before. MEH. idk. I just get so tired of dealing of shit from EVERYONE, not just him in general..and i just kinda blew up on him. I feel bad. He says that i try to act like everything isnt my fault...but c'mon now...i didnt start any of this. Sure, everybody has their faults..but i actually tried to ::gasps:: change so he wouldnt get so pissed at me. Oh well. I guess theres nothing i can do to change the minds of ppl, and i guess i cant take back what i said. shucks. ♥

Well yes...i'm over him. I know this because i dont get the gay butterflies anymore. But still...like i always think about him. Not in the sense that i miss him or want to see him...its just that..idk i just think of him. Its weird. I am getting real angry with myself. Hes doing the same shit to his girlfriend that fucking anthony did to me when we were going out. And in this situation...i'm being stupid fucking slut brittany. God i hate her. But okay...like we get real flirty in class now...and i feel so fucking bad. Today we were talking about playing nervous...so i put my hand on his thigh...but only for real quick cuz i remembered that he had a girlfriend and was like holy shit. I can't do shit like that. Neither can he. He has a fucking girlfriend. She doesnt deserve to deal with shit like that. Well..it could be worse. At least i'm not jumping on top of him. Or pantsing him. Or letting him play with my thongs. ...Like Anthony and Brittany did. Meh. I loathe her very existence. But now... I'm just like her.

I'm over him.

Who am i fooling. I wont lose my virginity this week. I probably wont even lose it this summer. Damien gets to me so fucking bad. I dont know why i cant get him off of my mind. Seriously...theres nothing particularly special about him. Except for the fact that he CAN be extremely sweet, and he has the cutest laugh...and the most gorgeous eyes ive ever seen *melts* I got butterflies when i saw him today. I am so mad at myself. Which is why i think i need to have sex right about now. I just need to get over him. idk how i think this would help me do that. And its not like itd be with a complete stranger. It would be with my first love ...and i honestly dont think i would get emotionally attached or anything, since we aren't that attached anyways. He's just someone that i care about...and it just seems like he would be the right person...ya know? Aw hell maybe i'm just being a dumb broad. Who knows. -

hah. thanks to a nice diary entry i left on my public one...i think i have damien a bit peeved. i left an entry similar to this one..but only 'hinting' that i might lose my virginity. And i think hes angry now. Good. i feel sick =/ he still fucking gives me butterflies. i hate it.

he has a girlfriend now. No, not lacie. some chick i dont even know. they were making out and all that jazz during school today =) I knew i was going to get my hopes up. But you know what? I dont give a shit. I'm *hopefully* going to be losing my virginity this wednesday. If things go according to plan. Who is the person, you might ask? Well i cant tell. People from Gregory Heights can ask me...and i will tell them. but for everybody else. Fuck off. But honestly, i mean that in the nicest way possible. I'm just in a bad mood right now for being so fucking STUPID. ♥

Well Damien was online last night at around 1 30 in the morning and he was telling me that he was drunk...and then he said he 'hearted' me. and he told me that he was getting drunk with neighbor friends. and blah blah blah i didnt really care. i was talking to a close friend earlier, and apparently lacey (a friend of mine...and the person that ive heard likes damien...and vise versa) got really drunk last night; no details yet. I'm about to fucking die. Isnt it a coincidence that they live right across the street from each other and both got drunk last night? agh im such a paranoid whore. He's not even mine. But still, i cant help it... ♥

okay...quick recap: me and my boyfriend just broke up for the FOURTH time. and im done trying because its a hopeless cause. Then...me being the smart person i am....decided that it was okay for us to be friends with benefits. Even though he likes tons of other girls and im just going to get my hopes up just to get let down. But ne ways. He gives me butterflies. For no reason. And hes still the only person that can make me get the biggest smile i've ever had. He just told me that he 'hearts' me...and i told him i 'heart' him too. i am dumb beyond belief.

hmm. well this is the second diary ive made in two days. This one is going to be uberly secret. its my deepest thoughts. feel free to read my other one...www.sitdiary.net/hugsandwishes i write in both of them. but this one is very personal. ♥ THERE liliana.