You know, trust is really a funny word. We can say all we want about it, and we can say it to a person, but that doesn't mean that we put our own faith into it, but do we really trust everyone we meet, everyone we know, or everyone that is close to us. I recently had a slight and fairly quick downfall to the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I lost trust in someone who I love beyond what words can describe, and I felt for those brief moments that someone had literally ripped my heart out. I could not even begin to bear the pain that was going on deep within me. I remember fighting with myself for hours and telling myself that everything is going to be ok, and that I was making way to big of a deal out of something so childish. But it still happened, and my heart and soul were torn from me. And even though everything was put back and re-connected, everyone knows that even the smallest cut takes time to heal, so I can only hope that this one doesn't take much longer to heal, because my love will always go on forever, even if there is no heart to give.

4:44 p.m. My poster fell down the other day, and I can say that nothing has been the same. It doesn't want to stay back up though and everything remains the same as it is. My watch fell of my desk this morning, I thought my cat knocked it over, but I guess it felt like it was time to happen. I am no longer certain upon things which I thought I had learned the very secrets to. I hate it when the road surprises you, yet keeps in the worst dulldrum you have ever feared. Although when you sometimes feel like you are home and the road is taking you in the straightest path, it may suddenly swoop to the right and throw you completely off. Giving you all kinds of false hopes and an intolerable lust to be there. Ahhh, the winds will shift however and no one knows when, I only pray that maybe the wind will be thrown back into my face, because that is when I know I have command and home with fulfilled dreams and visions of what yet may come. -Clark King

Shifting very quickly as the time passes on. I have no idea where it goes to anymore. I am so lost in this maze of a thing, that I don't think anything makes sense anymore. Before I was confused with all kinds of goodness, but what happens when confusion becomes a nightmare that doesn't disappear? What if I never wake up from this nightmare, oh what a terrible cold feeling that is. I suppose three innocent words aren't even enough to describe the goodness, but what does it matter if the entirety of the goodness is destroyed, shattered, and lost through the loop hole. Oh what a wonderful dream turned into a nightmare waiting to resolve itself. -Clark King

So I had an incredible week, with lots of highs and joyous faces all around. Intense energy that just completely paid off in the end with people loving every second of the show that we put on. So it was so much fun, and I would love to just keep on doing it. So I come home and decide hey what should I do tonight. Well, everyone is out and already in the middle of something, so I was like no I won't bug you kind of deal. To make a long story short I ended up going paintballing which turned out to be really crappy because the dudes that were playing kept wiping paint and it was completely lame. I come home from there, and my dad starts to yell at me, well I shouldn't say yell because he didn't but was angry and disappointed with me because I didn't make All-state and just kept going on about how if I want to be a good musician I have to practice a lot, and how just because I made regionals I shouldn't get a big head. So today was an interesting day, starting off terrible and ending terrible with a little gbit of goodness in between. -Clark King

I want to break free So far from everything else There is so much within That it all needs to be set free Keep me safe I try and say But it only makes things worse For I become angry and jealous Slowly destroying this life I love "Run and hide" Would be at the top of my list But I would be hunted And eventually killed Just stay far away And maybe I won't break and disappear Because that would make Things much worse I stare into space And try to comprehend my presence A presence that truly is hard to find Because we are so small I want to break free So I don't break And drown within emotions To the point of no return

8:38 p.m. Just when I thought that maybe my family was starting to completely shape up and that everyone was getting, the one person who I least expected is the one to bring it crashing down. After dinner tonight, as I was preparing a bowl of ice cream, my dad starts to yell at me telling me how lazy I am, and how I never ever help around the house. He mumbles to himself "he never takes out the trashes, feeds the animals, looks after the animals, does his homework," and well I honestly believe that my father was talking about my brother, since I know that my brother has not been doing his homework lately. Well, as it turns out, I guess my dad is really angry with me. He feels that since I am now the oldest child that I should be doing a lot more. I really don't understand my father. He will say, hey I am really proud of you, like he did a couple days when I made regionals and now he has completely flipped 180 degrees and is saying that he wishes that I helped more around the house. He told me that my attitude about everything is really crappy and that I need to shape up at school and at home. I just don't understand why he thinks that I am such a terrible person. I try really hard to always make him proud of me. I always feel proud to just be his son, but I think that I am going to be kind of happy being away from my family next year. It was weird because at the beginning of this year, everything changed for me; I moved houses (which was really weird because I have lived in PV forever, but then all of the sudden I am living in Scottsdale), my sister now has a husband, so I hardly see her anymore, my aunt went through her chemo, my grandma doesn't actually live with us anymore, good and bad, and something with my brother is seriously wrong, because he now acts so differently than he always has. I am just a complete loss as to where to even go to do anything right for my family. It always just seems that whenever I do what I feel is right or good for my family, my dad looks at me with almost shameful eyes. All I really want to do is make my dad proud of me. I am almost afraid that I will lose my father the same way my father lost his dad. Hopefully I will be able to show my dad one day what he can truly be proud of. -Clark King

8:54 p.m. A couple nights ago I had a truly disturbing dream that scared me awake. I had dreamt that one of my friends, which I can't actually remember who it was, died of this weird freak accident. When I went to see his body this kind of scar where he had been hit, cursed, or possed with whatever killed him, was very visable, and gave me this clue as to where to go and figure out what had happened to my friend. Well, I do remember having a really similar dream to this one time. I remember that when my friend it left me a clue, and I had to go find this room in some sort of house, and this room would be the answer to all of these problems and my friend would somehow or another come back to life. Well, I finally found which house it was in, but I couldn't go in, because whatever killed my friend was waiting for me inside of this house, and was going to kill me as well. So, I ran away from the house and was running to a park to get away from when this bear comes out of nowhere and eats me whole, and then somehow or another I was turned into a clown where I was more or less like a blow up doll clown, who made hot dogs, and the thing that did that to me was the thing that was inside of the house. Well, I don't really remember much after that, other than I was able to finally get inside of the house and my friend took a few breaths a came back to life. But than, I fell asleep at a different time, and immediately into my dreams did I dream that the thing was chasing after me, when I suddenly was woken up. I haven't had anymore parts of this dream, which I am quite thankful for, because this dream has really scared me, and I have absolutely no idea of what to make from it. -Clark King

10:46 p.m. Why is it, that humans are compelled to either gain energy when they are tired, or completely shut down, and becomse the person that will always regret? I know this for fact after today. I suppose that my natural nature is to be polite, easy going, well mannered, and positive. Well, I can honestly say that today I was an utter and complete asshole to everyone whom I encountered. I had so much negative energy exuding from myself that I have no idea why anyone even wanted to be around me today. Yet, even though this day was a good day, with nothing truly going wrong, an angry and negative facade was put up. Why? I suppose maybe I am thinking a little to much into this question, but it is one question that I know I truly want to answer. Why did I turn such a wonderful day full of love, kindness, and care into a day where I dissapproved of everything that was going on? Did I really mean to say the things that I did today? I feel that my real reason is that for one of the few times in my life, I actually got stressed out. Yes, I am really starting to feel the pressures of college, auditions, money, scholarships, a car, and other various things that are all just adding up and supposedly putting so much weight on my shoulders. But, now that I have established this flaw of mine, I may now be able to turn this negative energy that I have stored inside of myself and strain it into positive energy. After all, life could be so much worse. -Clark King

11:44 p.m. I wish that I could describe to you what love is. But the thing is, I can only give a very small snapshot into what love truly is. It is something not said, heard, or seen, but only felt between two people. Sure others might look onto a relationship and say "see those two, they are in love," but they don't truly understand what kind of love that the couple has. As for me, I can say that my love for her is so deeply inbedded into my soul that no one can take it away from me. The words I love you, can't even begin even break the surface of how I truly feel about her. Do remember what it feels like to first start dating someone. The feeling of joy and excitement each and everytime you see that person that you just started to date. Well, I can honestly tell you, that I still have that feeling when I see her. I can say that my heart is always going a thousand miles a minute everytime I am just around her. I can honestly say that I am extremely lucky to be so young and so full of love. I believe that everyone out there has a person that they can truly love with an utmost desire and passion, the only thing is, that you have to feel it, and not just see it or hear, but you have to let it into your heart and consume you with the most powerful and positive emotions. -Clark King

10:27 p.m. The human mind. What a brilliant invention it is, by whoever decided to make it. It is said that all living creatues will dream in their sleep, but have you ever wondered about what dogs may dream about. As humans, we talk with our friends all the time about our dreams, and how we have dreams about being animals, like a dolphin and just roaming around the sea being totally and completely free, and having no worries. But do we really know that they don't have worries? Do we really know they don't have to figure out how they are supposed to provide and care for their dolphin family. I feel that pretty much any living creature that can dream, has something in their life that it must worry over. Isn't it said that dreams represent the day that we have just had, and how we really preceive this day as. I know some people just feel that dreams are just hog-wash, but what if they are more? What if dreams are the secret to our deepest desires? Or that maybe they predict futuristic events that may partake in a later part of life? I suppose that these are some of the biggest reasons as to why I have enjoyed human pyschology and how our human minds work -Clark King

6:52 p.m. Some days are just always quite adventuruous. I suppose you never truly know what to expect from a day until that day is fully played out. I have never quite understood how "little things" can be such an annoyance, and how they just build over time. How we as humans, rely so much on machines, and that when they break down, we do not know how to cope with it. Just take a car for example. When you have a job, school to go too, things to do, and just when you want to meet some friends at the movies, what do you do? You drive your car to the place where you want to go. Well, what would happen if you actually had to figure out some other means of transportation. Could you actually do it? Or would you have absolutely no idea as to where to even start. I suppose that humans do not always appreciate or give thanks to the simple and basic things that are always in our lives. Things as simple as food and water that we are provided with daily. Just like someone told me one time, "things could always be worse." So, the best thing that we can do, is to just keep our heads up, be thankful for what we receive and have, and just try and stay as positive as we can. I know it can be ridiculously hard sometimes, but I suppose life would be boring if we did the same thing day after day. -Clark King

7:08 p.m. I never quite understand why humans have to feel the need of accomplishment or achievement. Which, I suppose leads me to my earlier question, why do we always want more? If someone were to achieve a higher level of mastership of an art, why can't we feel happy for them? Why, must we then in turn, feel like we must challenge ourselves so that we can be better and achieve a higher form of mastership? Is it so difficult for humans to step aside occasionally and let someone else enjoy the feeling of being important or the most achieved? Is it because we are so unsure of our accomplishments that we just can't let go of them? Or is it because we are too insecure of ourselves? I suppose that whatever the reason is, human nature will never allow us to overcome this dreadful disease of always wanting more. But, for your sake and mine, let's hope that some cure may be found eventually. -Clark King

10:23 p.m. I can't help but wonder sometimes. Why is it that even when we as humans are quite happy, we still feel the need to do more until we are satisfied with ourselves, but even then, we want more? Myself for example, I have an absolutely wonderful girlfriend, who I am desperately in love with, a loving and caring family, great friends who look after me, and a school where I feel safe and secure, but yet I still feel slightly empty. Explain to me, how a man can have everything that he wants in this world and more, but still has the drive to always look for something new that he has never tried before? I think this is why that I love the human nature so much. It is because of this behavior that our mistakes will originate from. -Clark King