i will continue on with this diary. and even if one person sees it, maybe it will change that person, and then a chain reaction will begin. probably not. but it's the only thing i can do. i used to think that people who thought what i think now were insane. but then one day i opened my eyes. i guess you have to fine your own way to open your eyes. mine was finding someone who pushed to think differently. and i found bill hicks through him. bill hicks is the prophet that no one talks about. bill hicks picked out the world's faults and if he could only see what the fuck is happening now. sex sells everything. 15 year olds are posing without shirts and calling it artistic. people are shoving drinks down their throats and drugs up their noses. drugs that keep them thinking the same thing. drugs that keep them quiet and following the herd. i however, am tired of blindly accepting the lies i'm fed. we are people. we are powerful. why follow what a little man in a suit says. we are bred to follow orders. it's insanity. we are smart. we made computers, we wasted our time making cell phones smaller and smaller. we can do so much. the sick thing is, the only reason we push ourselves with technology is to make money. lately i've been feeling like, why can't everything be free. why should i pay for an education? well because does our governement really want a whole country of smart, deep, people. no. they don't. like bill hicks said, "turn off your internal dialogue." which took me forever, but i've almost finally done it. --samy.

you don't understand. and if you don't right now, you never will. this whole fucking world is pointless. the human race takes it for granted. it sickens me the way people treat each other. the way they treat the world. hell, even the way they treat themselves. you'd think since they care so much about themselves, that would be the one thing they gave a shit about, but no. we poison ourselves. we kill each other. we have taken over this world. and just because we can open bananas with our thumbs, build big buildings, and create more technological miracles, doesnt mean we get the lions share of this world. everything pointless is so important. the amount of money we have. who gives a fuck. does more money mean a longer, more indepth life? No. This world revolves around the sun. not money. but you wouldn't know it. we need oxygen to breathe, not money. but again, you wouldn't know it. i don't really know why i decided i had to get this down. i think i've been thinking about saving the little beauty we have left in this world. but i don't think anyone else in this fucking world is interested. i used to think that life was too beautiful to quit, but it's getting uglier and uglier. worse and worse people are being praised. we are losing the only real people in the world. and no one knows it. please wake up. --samy.

"Yes, yours, my love, is the right human face. I in my mind waited for this long, Seeing the false and searching for the true, Then found you as a traveller finds a place Of welcome suddenly amid the wrong Valleys and rocks and twisting roads. But you, What shall I call you? A fountain in a waste, A well of water in a country dry, Or anything that´s honest and good, an eye That makes the whole world bright. Your open heart, Simple with giving, gives the primal deed, The first good world, the blossom, the blowing seed, The hearth, the steadfast land, the wandering sea. Not beautiful or rare in every part. But like yourself, as they were meant to be." -Edwin Muir

so i had one of the greatest weekends. giselle and me had a night on friday. and then on saturday we both went over to chris's to drink and just go crazy. and it was alot of fun. other than the fact i got zero sleep. but it didnt matter because i wasn't even tired until sunday night. lol. i got some great hours this week at work. so i'll make more money :) yay. i'm just sitting here waiting for chris to arrive with dinner. and i'm quite anxious to see him. :) i'm in a good mood today. which is always a plus. i've decided my next tattoo is going to be the libra scales. since i'm pretty much a libran to a tee. i want to go and talk to the artist that did mine and giselle's tats. see what he thinks. anyways, that's all for today. i promise a better entry when i have time. samysexpot♥

i have to leave in 6 minutes. for work. it's gay. i only got paid 284 this week. and i'm pretty annoyed my hours keep getting cut and no one else's do. i liked that me and carol would switch days, and one day she would leave earlier and the next i would. so i don't know why the hell i'm getting shafted. gah. anyways, off to make tacos.

i wrote a whole entry last night but i forgot how this website signs you out after you are logged in not doing anything for a while. so it was lost in the internet. today was good. chris came home. and i hung out with giselle and we smoked out of my elephant pipe chris bought me. it was very very nice to see chris again. oh how i love that boy. it's almost our 1 year anniversry. it's crazy. i never thought i'd actually find someone while looking like i do. but he find me beautiful and that makes me feel beautiful. and i've already lost some weight, and well on my way to losing more. i've got plans that i will follow through on. chris and i just really go together and it's wonderful to finally have him in my life. things are looking up. work is going very well too. i did miss alot last month but this month was alot alot better and i'm very good at my job. at least i think i am. i do my job, like we're actually suppose to. and i'm polite and i'm exactly who i want to be at work. so that's nice. especially when i get home and realize how much i want to be who they think i am. and i am in a way. i guess. it's confusing. my brother is getting married in june. my goal is to be alot skinnier than i presently am. i want to fit into a nice dress. and if my sister comes i want her to see how much of a better fucking person i am. i'm currently not talking to her. it's not like i'm surprised. i knew our relationship would fizzle out as soon as she moved in with that dickfuck. he really is a dickfuck. and i suppose they deserve each other in that regard. but when she lived here, there was a speck of hope for her. there was a chance for her to completely stabilize her life, and make positive changes, we could have gotten skinny together, but she fucked that all up, because she was too pathetic to realize how great she could have been without that guy. who is disguisting to look at. all she got for trading in her diginty and respect was a car and a condo. i hope it was worth it. i was her kleenex since i can rememeber. her punching bag, her kleenex. and that's horrible and it tears me apart sometimes, but i have to realize it. man that turned into a rant i didn't expect. tomorrow is going to be fun. giselle is meeting me after work and we're going to this place downtown where there's crazy sales and then we're going to chris's to get stoned, hang out, laugh and she's got some business to attend to with josh. hopefully it goes well. anyways, nighty night cyberland. see you tomorrow. xosamysexpot

Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet? - bill hicks

Suck you in. feel the nice burn of the smoke. Hold you in. deep in my chest, like it’s the last thing I’ll do. Blow you out, before you hurt me. You’re like an addiction Yet, you’re the best feeling I’ve had in a while.

so i have to get back into writing, hence why i started this diary. i'm sick of being lost for words, and i'm sick of not writing anymore. i feel like my brain is slowly becoming sludge, and it has nothing to do with weed, it has to do with the fact i never write anymore. work today went quickly. that was nice. i'm pretty good at my job. actually, i'm really good at my job. i'm basically their perfect employee, and it brings me back to my YMCA volunteering days. the only thing that i fucked up was i started missing alot of work, but i'm back on track again. Chris is at his mom's. and i miss him every much, but in his absence i have a chance to have a mommy/daughter day, which i haven't done in forever. so i'll probably write another entry later. xosamysexpot