I was born into a family that had a few problems of their own. My father has had a problem with alcohol and served time in jail for a DUI. My mother has suffered with depression and tried to commit suicide in her early twenties, she also had postpartum depression after my younger brother, Jake, was born. My sister, Nicole, has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and also used to be a cutter. Jake seems to be the normal one in the family, although he does have some anger issues. Ahh, that leads to me, the middle child. My mother used to say that I have “the middle child syndrome.” But that was when I was younger. I never used to voice my opinions, or speak my mind. I was constantly mediating between my brother and sister, and I didn’t get as much attention as Nicole or Jake. It’s hard for me to remember what happened in my life from ages 1 to 9. Maybe I blocked it out, or maybe nothing eventful happened. I guess I had a “normal” childhood. I had friends, played outside, and loved to dress up in my mom’s old clothes. When I was 8 or 9 my parents separated, and eventually got divorced. I was full of anger. It was a time of rage, tears, and family therapy. My mother had what you could call a breakdown. She started smoking again and spent days in the basement typing on our old school typewriter. My sister decided that she hated my father and never really dealt with her feelings. My brother was so young, and he thought it was his fault. Jake cried a lot, because he always looked to my dad as a role model. I didn’t really know what to do. On all of my favorite TV shows the mother and father lived in the same house, and didn’t go on dates. I thought there was something wrong with my family, and that is when I started distancing myself from them. I closed myself off and didn’t tell them anything about my life. My dad had a girlfriend named Cindy, and she had 4 children. Whenever we we’re supposed to go to my dad’s for the weekend, we would see her. I was afraid to tell my mom we saw Cindy, because I didn’t want to upset her. So I lied, and told my mom we spent the weekend at grandma’s or Dad’s apartment. Jake eventually told my mom what we really did, and then I felt bad for lying. I was trapped. And I didn’t know what to do. My sister developed anorexia by the time I has 12, and in 7th grade. At a height of 5’7 Nicole weight a whopping 110 pounds. Considering I wanted to be just like her, I asked her how to lose weight. She told me to eat an orange, and only an orange, all day. Thus my obsession with food and weight was born. I bought every magazine about skinny celebrities. I cut out pictures of anorexia-esque models and taped them up all over my bedroom walls. I thought that if I looked like them then I would be normal, happy, and popular. Soon that statement would become, I have to look like them. I never realized I was fat until I entered middle school. A world full of MTV, Cosmo Girl, and boys. All of the popular girls at my school were skinny and pretty. I wanted to be thin just like them. I wanted boys to like me, and I just wanted to fit in. I wanted to fit in so badly because I never felt normal. I always felt weird, different, like no one was ever going to understand me. I have always put a lot of weight on beauty. I felt ugly, and looking in the mirror made me cry. Looking at my sister made me jealous, because she has always been thin and still is now. When I entered 8th grade, everything changed. I started wearing all black, and I was very depressed. I started cutting this year, and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. If I could take back one thing in my life it would be the fact that I am a cutter. My greatest downfall. I started wearing all black and chopped off my long blonde hair. I got made fun of everyday. I cried in the bathroom and smeared my heavy black eyeliner. I got called fat, ugly, gay, disgusting, etc. My self-esteem was already non-existent. No one realizes how much he or she hurt me by teasing. I pretended to be strong and acted like I didn’t care. I was then, and still am now, a weak little girl. Maybe I should mention James. He entered my life when I was 13, and hasn’t quite exited yet. We have dated and broken up many times in the past 4 years. I couldn’t put on paper how many times he has hurt me, but I also couldn’t tell you how many times I have hurt him. Ours is a story of love, or lack thereof. I wish I could take back a lot of things I’ve said to him, but I can’t. Starting High School, I was like a fish out of water. I was scared of going to a new place, and meeting new people. I didn’t like the unfamiliar, and still don’t. I hated not knowing what was going to happen. I started cutting on a daily basis, and couldn’t go without it. Whenever anything happened that I didn’t know how to deal with, I cut. I thought about killing myself everyday, all of the time. I went to sleep at night hoping I wouldn’t wake up. I couldn’t concentrate on my schoolwork, and my grades were dropping. I was admitted to Harbor Oaks for the first time in October of my freshman year. I entered Harbor Oaks 4 times that year. During the summer between 9th and 10th grade I started starving myself and throwing up any food I consumed. I was obsessed with Mary Kate Olsen. I had pictures of her everywhere. Most of that summer is a blur. I went to Florida with my family, but all I remember from that trip is what I ate and where I threw up. I ended up losing 20 pounds in 1 month. Mohegan opened my sophomore year. I had developed a severe social anxiety during the summer and when I thought about going to school it scared me. I didn’t want to go to school let alone talk to new people. My sister went to Mohegan with me, and she was the only person I talked to for the first few weeks there. I went to Harbor Oaks that year around October. I was cutting more than ever, and deeper than I ever had before. My arms were so cut up you could barely see any skin, only scabs and wounds. This was the year I got into drugs. It was me I was trying to get away from when I used. I wanted to run away from myself and never have to remember my life again. I was still cutting. I had never been the type of person to do drugs, and I hated myself for it. But I kept using to try to forget everything. My stint with drugs was all about getting away, and trying to be a different person. I just didn’t want to keep feeling the way I felt so I did anything to change it. I wasn’t ready to accept that I am who I am, and no matter how hard I try nothing is going to make me a different person. The overdose in the intro happened around now. I cried, I cut, I took too many pills. During my junior year I got involved with a few boys, but those relationships fell apart quicker than they started. I had developed severe insomnia and spent my nights reading and smoking cigarettes. My schoolwork was slipping and I became more unstable than ever before. I stopped taking my medication, because I thought I didn’t need it anymore. Eventually everything that goes up must come down, and I crashed. I went to Harbor Oaks, and I was told by a social worker there that I was argumentative and hard to get along with. That made me furious. I wanted to rip off the social workers head, but how normal would that make me seem? So I pretended that I didn’t care, because I had gotten so used to doing that. That year school ended on a good note. I was happy to leave and that it was finally summer. I told myself that this was going to be the summer that I would lose 30 pounds and maybe turn into the beautiful girl I was always supposed to be. I stopped taking the new medication I was put on at Harbor Oaks. Because it made me feel different. It made me feel like I need chemicals in my body to be a normal person. I didn’t want to be crazy anymore. I wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be pretty. I wanted to look like Kate Hudson. My senior year of high school started and so did a prolonged state of mania. Mania is a phase in Bipolar Disorder where you get very happy and feel rather invincible. I didn’t eat for days, I was hyper and happy. I felt like I was on top of the world. For the first time in a long time I actually wanted to be alive. I wanted to experience everything. Those feelings didn’t last. I tripped and fell into a black hole. I didn’t want to be alive anymore. I didn’t move or shower. I stayed in my basement for days and lay on my bed until I got hungry. I went upstairs, got a Diet Coke and Cheez-its and returned to my bed. I refused to go to school for a week. I tried to go to school one day but sat in the bathroom stall crying until my mom returned to get me. Even though I know the floor is harder than my face, I just keep falling. I went to Harbor oaks and I was put on 6 medications: Cymbalta Trileptol Ritalin Synthroid Seroquel Dyseral The Ritalin made me hyper because I don’t have ADD or ADHD. I loved it.

Growing up around the media and popular culture, it doesn’t do much for a young girl or boys self image. Your hair is the wrong color, or your jean size is too big. No one can live up to the standard of “beautiful” that this country has set. No one can be that perfect. David Hume said “Beauty is no quality in things themselves: it exists merely in the mind which contemplates them.” Pick up any teen magazine and I’ll bet you that there will be at least one article about weight and how to lose it, or “Look like this movie star!” They should be running articles about mental health and how to be yourself. Or tips on staying happy and dealing with your problems in a healthy way. I’m sick of reading things about how to get my crush to notice me, or how to get the perfect tan. Try to find any average teenager and ask them how many books they’ve read this year. “Maybe one, for school,” will be the most popular response. 75% of Americans read less than one book a year. Kids are watching TV and playing video games because reading isn’t cool. Almost everyone at my school smokes weed. Why? Because Snoop Dogg said, “I roll the best weed ‘cus I got it goin’ on.” Smoking only temporarily makes your forget about your problems. I feel that anyone who smokes is stupid and can’t handle their real lives. Maybe if someone wrote a song about helping the homeless or feeding the hungry that’s what my generation would be doing, instead of wasting their lives, intelligence, and money. I’m sick of being the only one of my peers to know who Nietzsche is, instead of being up on the latest T.I. song. I’d rather learn from the geniuses of the past, than make the same mistakes as everyone else has already made.

I am at school obviously and yeah. I don't know what is up. I pretty much think that I am going to walk home today.

Alright I am at school more. I am cool alright bye.

ok so, as we know everyone is gay.

Josh and I are supposed to be doing our music thinggy but well he is not doing a damn thing so neither am I. Whats goin on with you? I'm really bored because this is so damn boring. I think you pretty much know how it goes though. Hopefully you will see this soon, becuase well, I said so. I cancelled therapy the other day and now I don't know when I have to go. Its the gayest thing in my life. Alright I'm gunna hit up student center now. Later.<3

School. i had forgotten about this journal and since my school dicided to ruin my life i cant go on livejournal anymore so this is why i am here. claerr is buying me a pizza as we speak. matt keeps hitting me. Leanne- heyyyy whats up? obviously i am at school and i am really bored so i am treating this as a note. and well yeah. i love you and my pizza is here. later gater. <3

so this is my old journal. yeah it is. and i cannot update my lj and im dying without it. so i resort to this.

that you had a boyfriend, who looked like a girlfriend. i dont know what im doing today. i will probably just chill around my house. i want some pizzeatsa.

so i am at school and i just got my picture taken and all that jazz. i forgot about it until this morning when i was already at school so yeah. i have a doctor appiontment today with pez. i am thihking it is going to be really gay and all that so i decided that i am going to quit pez and ima tell mom and she is going to have to listen becus i fuckin rule.

im all up in school. josh is all up in the youth home. i am all up in the being sad.

I am at school and Adam is next to me. He makes fun of me most of the time. It dosen't bother me really though. Anyways, apparently we are not allowed to go on livejournal anymore and that is really pissing me off. I mean, if there is no livejournal to go on then there is no point for the computer at all. Or maybe it's just me that thinks that. I love James and he is hott. kbye.

New DEGRASSI. I am alone at home while everyone has fun.

Everything is totally strange right now and some totally weird things are going on right now. Chelsea is over right now and there is some drama going on with big Es. Ehh whatev. Nicole is going to pick up Bohmz later oh yeah. Craxy.

So today I asked my mom if Steve could live here. She has to do some things, and then I will get an answer. I hate waiting. I'm getting pretty good at this whole not looking at the keyboard thing. Rawr. Please say yes.

i am in school. it is dumb. i want to update my LJ.

im at school right now. i geuss its ok. im really depressed right now though. everything is going insane in my mind and i dont know what im doing. i have no clue what im thinking about. and why i think about these things. to sum everything up, everything is just basically not going well at all.//

[ When was the last time you.. ] Smiled : 4th hour Laughed : 4th hour Cried : last night Bought something : i bought cinese food last night Danced : i dont know Were sarcastic : 4th hour ago Kissed someone : this weekend Talked to an ex : today Watched your favorite movie : yesterday Had a nightmare : last ngiht Were lulled to sleep by the thought of someone : i wasnt "lulled" it was more like, ugh why the hell am i thinking about you [ A Last time for everything.. ] Last book you read : Doing It Last movie you saw : Harry Potter and the Prisioner of Azkaban Last song you heard: snoop ft. pharrell-drop it like its hot Last thing you had to drink : diet coke Last time you showered : this morning [ Body ] 1. What do you most like about your body: nothing. i am fat, and ugly, and i need breat implants. 2. And least: my stomach 3. How many fillings do you have : zero 4. Do you think you're good looking : uh, no 5. Do other people often tell you that you're good looking: no, unless i say "im ugly" 6. Do you look like any celebrities : no [ Fashion ] 1. Do you wear a watch : no 2. How many coats and jackets do you own : i dont know 4. Most expensive item of clothing : im not sure 5. What kind of shoes do you wear : my Vans 6. Describe your style in one word : whatever i want to wear, i wear [ Friends ] 1. Do your friends 'know' you : not really, except nicole 2. What do they tend to be like : they tend to be dumb 3. Are there traits in you that are universally liked : yes, i am funny. or so i am told. 4. How many people do you tell everything to: i tell myself everything [ Other ] 1. Favorite band ever: pink floyd 2. Most listened to bands : pink floyd, alkaline trio, MF&GG 3. Do you find any musicians good-looking : yeah i do 4. Can you play an instrument : no 5. Type of music listened to : what eva iu want what catagory? wide variety 6. Type never listened to : i listen to everything 7. Favorite book : Practical Magic, Dancing on the Edge, Doing It, Wasted [ General Questions ] 1. Whom do you believe is the smartest man alive at the moment: josh 2. What do you prefer, a sunny or rainy day : i dont care 3. Do you consider yourself lucky : not really 4. Do you feel pity for people who commit suicide : no 5. Choose one word to describe how you feel most often: scared [ Stuff ] 1. Do you own any plaid clothing : pants 2. Do you own Converse shoes : yeah 3. Do you own Saucony shoes : no 4. Do you own old school Nikes : no 5. Do you wear tight pants : sometimes 6. Is there more than one zipper in your pants : no 7. Do you know what a squatter flap is : no 8. Do you own a messenger bag : yeah 9. Do you wear your messenger bag across your chest : sometimes, if its heavy 10. Do you own braces : no 11. Are braces worn anywhere besides the mouth : yes, on my ass. 12. Do you have short, shaggy hair : no 13. Does your hairstyle exceed a height of 3 inches : no? 14. Would you classify your hair as a deadly weapon : no 15. Do you think mohawks are "neat" : depends who has one 16. Is your hair black or red : nope 17. Do you have a favorite brand of hair dye : no, as long as it works 18. Do you own a bandana : red one 19. Do you wear plugs in your ears : no 20. Are you amused by safety pins : yeah 21. Have you ever used duct tape as a sewing substitute : no 22. Do you own one or more objects with studs or spikes in them : studs, my belt 23. Do you own one or more articles of clothing from Dogpile, Lip Service, or Tiger of London : no 24. Do you enjoy leopard print : who dosent? [ Habits/Beliefs ] 25. Are you disgruntled (having a general hate for everything) : yeah most of the time 26. Are you an anarchist : im a libertarian 27. Does the American flag anger you : only when i think about it 28. Are you "working class" : no 29. Do you dislike "preps" : no 30. Do you dislike Hot Topic : clothes are clothes 31. Do you smoke cigarettes : no 32. Do you smoke cloves : yes 33. Are you a thin waif : i wish 34. vegetarian?: nope 35. Do you think meat is murder : yes 36. Do your nighttime activities usually involve drunken underage vomiting : no 37. Have you ever slept in an alley or park : no 38. Do you wash your hair less than once a week : no 39. Have you ever gone a week without a shower : once 40. Have you ever been avoided due to your odor : i dont think so 41. Do you know who Jack Kerouac is : no 42. Do you like Mr. Kerouac : yeah 43. Should Mumia Abu-jamal be freed from prison : no 44. Are you a member of the Makeout Club : no 45. Do you say "rad" : no [ Other ] Name : aL Do you like it : no, its a guy name Nicknames : not really Screen names : Roses Unfold Age : 145 Birthday : 10/20/89 Sign : libra Location : michigan School : MohEgAn baybe Status : status? Crush : many Natural hair color : im not sure really Current hair color : brown Eye color : green Height : 5'2 Birthplace : here Shoe size : 7? [ This or That ] Me/You : you Coke/pepsi : coke Day/night : night Aol/aim : aim Cd/cassette : cd Dvd/vhs : vhs Jeans/khakis : jeans Car/truck : car Tall/short : short Lunch/dinner : lunch Lipstick/Lipgloss : gloss Silver/Gold : sliver Alcohol/Weed : i like the drug free me!

who reads this?

Hello my fellow beings. nothing to awesome has been happening. i talked to matt a couple of days ago. good time. me and leanne might hang out today so that will be cool. i tlaked to chelse and it was awesome. shes comming home soon so it will be off da heezy.