(_) stayed single the whole year. (_) got your first kiss ( ) kissed someone new (_) made-out for the first time (X) made-out in/on a car (_) kissed in the snow (_) kissed in the rain (X) fell in love (_) fell in love with a fool ( ) had your heart broken (_) broke someone else's heart (_) had a stalker (X) had a good relationship with someone (_) questioned your sexual orientation (_) came out of the closet (_) gotten pregnant (_) gotten someone else pregnant (_) had an abortion (_) gotten married (_) had a divorce (_) had a gay marriage (_) kissed someone of the same sex (X) dated someone you'll never forget (X) done something you've regretted (_) lost your true love (_) lost faith in love (_) kissed under miseltoe WORK/SCHOOL (_) got a promotion ( ) changed jobs (_) lost your job ( ) quit your job (_) dated a co-worker (_) dated your boss (_) dated your boss' daughter/son (_) got fired from your job ( ) got straight A's ( ) met one teacher you really like (X) met one teacher you really hated ( ) found a subject that you love (_) failed a class (x) cut class (_) skipped school (_) got into a fight with a classmate (X) did something you were proud of (_) discovered a new talent (_) gave the teachers a reason to teach (x) proved yourself an idiot ( ) embarassed yourself in front of the class ( ) fell in love with a teacher (_) got a lead in the school play (ish) made a varsity team (X) were involved in something you'll never forget (_) got sent to the office OTHER (_) painted a picture (X) wrote a poem (x) ran a mile (X) listened to music you couldn't stand (X) double-dipped (x) skinny-dipped (X) went to a sleepover (not sleep away) went to camp (_) threw a surprise party (X) laughed till you cried (x) laughed till you peed in your pants ( ) flirted shamelessly (X) visited a foreign country ( ) visted a foreign state (_) cooked a disasterous meal (x) lost something important to you (X) got a gift you adore (X) realized something new about yourself ( ) went on a diet (_) tried to gain weight (_) dyed your hair (_) came close to losing your life (_) someone close to you died (X) went to a party ( ) drank alchohol ( ) drank alchohol underage (_) did (a) drug(s)-- (_) got drunk (_) got arrested (X) read a great book (X) saw a great movie (_) saw a movie so scary that it made you cry (X) saw your favorite band/artist live (X) saw someone famous in person (X) did something you want to tell everyone ( ) Enjoyed this year over all

I hate college applications. Because stupid essays on Martin Luther King and my favorite activity is going to get me into college. Stupid process.

I close my eyes and I take a deep breath and I think about my life and how I ended up this way. I think about the ruin, devastation and wreckage I have caused to myself and to others. I think about self-hatred and self-loathing. I think about how and why and what happened and the thoughts come easily, but the answers don't.

My mom is driving me nuts with these college applications. You would think that I could do them my own way and do them by myself since they ARE mine and all. But no she needs to stick her ass into my business. I was able to stay home today slept til 1 in the PM and then woke up and did shit. Im so mad because I was supposed to do all of this work and I didn't really do anything. I feel so behind

Def sick right now. Went to baskeball last night thinking it was a really bad idea. Now Im feeling like I have a fever and Im restless when I sleep. I want it to be morning so bad so that I can call Maria and the school and stop worrying about that. Today is going to be a good rest day I feel as long as I get past a couple hours of sleep and a shower. I found a mysterious 20 on my chair. I don't know where it came from...but hey I'm not complaining. So yesterday my idea for staying home didn't work out too well but today its going to. Im going to stay home and go to guard later. Dont tell anyone. I have absolutley nothing to talk about right now. Mind is on off/

So the weekend was good but busy. Scotty and I talked like a mother. We talked about so much and he gave the the advice I needed to hear from him that he gives everyone else. It was good yet bad. I can't tell whether were getting worse or better. Hmm. Last night was great. Scotty danced with me...danced period. But we didnt slow dance which was a major bummer just because I was looking foward to that one song all night long, well not that one particular song but it was the only slow song they played. And I wanted to dance with him so bad because I love dancing with him, and now I dont know when Ill get to dance with him again. Oh well it wasnt such a bad thing. I had the wierdest dreams last night. Like Ryan was in this pool and I accidentally fell down this slide with him and when we were in the water he was like trying to kiss me and I kept pushing him away but he wouldnt stop. Akward. Then there was this dream where Pete moved home and he had this new girl at his house and she got mad because Pete kept hugging me and not letting go but then Pete turned into Scotty and I was really okay with that. So this girl was Petes/Scotts girlfriend ish person...and he was paying more attention to me so she was getting fiesty but then It switched to the guy being Justin and this being his actual girlfriend but she was so...wierd when we all hung out. And this other dream where I was in HL2 but a new map that was huge. It was based off of this story of this family that was really great and sweet and everything but the one son was psycho. He had this hidden ladder to go underground but its a very very skinny area to crawl through and there are like dead heads just staring at you and blood and spiderwebs and massive ammounts of everything dirty. And I went around as the first person shooter trying to shoot these men hiding in gorilla suits and other costumes but it was just SO WIERD! I hated it. Im glad I woke up. I went through this mourgue that the kid had too...but that wasnt as neat as a mourgue. Ick. I dont know what the heck drugs I took last night but whatever they were never again man. No offense but I dont want to kiss Ryan hang out with Justins wierd girlfriend and climb all though some strange kids house

I have it! An excellent ex. of classical conditioning. So there's this girl who used to be spontaneous and crazy and just sang and goofed around and did whatever she felt like all the time. She felt good about her self. I suppose that this could be the unconditioned response. The neutral stimulus is the boyfriend. The person who initially seemed to enjoy these outbursts. The former neutral stimulus changes and soon gets irrated easily by the randomness and fun that the girlfriend had and would get angry with the girlfriend.It is now the conditioned stimulus. This caused our new conditioned response which was the girlfriend becoming very cautious to everything that she was doing and no longer did spontaneous things or the things she would have done in the past for a new "fear" if you would of upsetting this conditioned stimulus and now has the same effect with general stimuli which would be any time a compulsive action passes though the brain it immediatly stops not only with the boyfriend but with other people too. Hmm...Im pretty proud of myself for figuring that out all by myself. Psych for once applies to real life! Not only did I figure out all of that I also had another really bad day which consisted of people tripping me in the hall (accidentally but still) opening doors in my face, playing shitty in band, waking up to my mom and brother being a pain in the ass, wrecking my back with a fire extinguisher, forgetting all my shit at home, and a couple other things happened but you get the gist of it all. Cant this week just be over?

I hate mornings plain and simple. They consist of my brother being lord knows what kind of mood and my mom still not sober from the night before. Its winter time. Its been like 10 degrees outside for the past couple of days and my mom feels compelled to tell me to dress warm. And whats even crazier is that my dad told her to tell me! Because I dont know when it's warm outside! I just hate the stupid baby voices they use to talk to the dog in the AM and I hate all the cologne my brother puts on that smells like caca and then I have to sit with him for 15-20 min in the car while I drive him to school. I hate that I feel like my brother tries to be extra nice infront of my friends so I look like a big ass jerk yet tries to act cool or like a douche in front of his friends. Who arent really friends. Just stupid ass druggies. Ugh

Im exhausted haven't updated this dang thing in forever but wanted to share that my other journal is www.greatestjournal.com/users/static0emotion I need a nap so its time to go get some sleep since Scotty woke me up at 3AM to tell me how much he loves me. I dont mind though right? Of course not!

So yeah...tonight was a pretty awesome night. Went to Wendys sweet 16 and wore my awesomly hot dress. The one with the corset front. Hot. So yeah before that I stopped over at scotts to show him the dress and give him the very funny picture and his card from Andy. That was fun cause I always love seeing that kid. Then it was off to the party and he went with Javier and his girl to the movies. When I came home I called him since...you know I would like to talk to him and everything. He was def not in a good mood. I didnt really notice that till I told him that I danced with Mark and Dave...just because I didnt want to stop moving and they looked like they needed to get their lazy asses moving a bit. I guess that wouldnt help his mood much but I figured he should know who I danced with. My intentions were not at all to get him jealous. He was being very...angry/sad sounding on the phone and after a long time I finally got it out of him that he was upset because he feels like everyone is taking me away from him and hes getting jealous. Then he asked me if I was cheating on him. My response at the moment was...yeah...right this second and he was just like no im serious. I hate when he asks me that cause all I can think is, are you freaking out of your mind kid?! I love you more than anything in the world and I would never even think to cheat on you. He was very tired so things werent going to smoothly. He asked how long I thought wed be together for and I said however long he wants to be just cause I know I will love him forever, no matter what. But how he feels about me, well I hate assuming things and am not one to know and be positive untill Im told so if im still loved...I would like to be told and If im not I would also like to be told. So I said it all depended on how he felt about me. If he still loves me at a later date, well then on we shall go. He was saying how some things that Javier got him thinking and thats why he asked if i was cheating on him. I def think he would be able to tell if i was anyway. Man. I know things will be better soon but why do some nights have to suck so bad before I go to sleep. Now Im going to be thinking for awhile. Damnit

So a quick update before I head off to homework and bed. I just got home from florida for our band trip and its 10:27pm and they are saying that if we dont go into school tomorrow they will suspend us. Thats shit. My four days away from home were awesome I have become so much closer with the people I have been meaning to brush up friendships with and I love all of my friends so much. So anyway disney with friends + boyfriend= amazing! I feel like we should be taking a walk right now like we did a few times at night. Those were always fun.

So heres the deal. Not like I write every day as it is but I will be away for awhile since Finally that band trip has come and Im leaving at 3 am tonight. So I will catch you all on the flip side

I love how when I get off the phone with him everything feels ok and I get very giddy and happy. Heh no one else seems to be able to do that to me. Breaks technically over, Im feeling restless and cant sleep. Awaiting my very long day tomorow. Suckage.

Breaks almost over. I was just begining to enjoy it. I don't mind so much just because were going to florida next Saturday anyway. I can't believe Im going to be in Disney with my best friends and boyfriend. So right now I'm feeling really sleepy for some reason. Don't know why though. Ok well I'll post some more stories poems whatever when I get the chance and am more awake.

My eyes were closed but that didn’t restrict me from knowing exactly where I was. I was on another planet being escorted to paradise, by you. In my mind thats how I pictured it, and I guess that’s all that matters. We were going 90 down interstate 95 towards the spot you and I have coincidentally been to and knew exactly where it was, but we’ve never been there together. We saw an opportunity to become connected even more than we already have been. It’s 3:30 am and the moons shining bright, the stars are a nice touch to the black velvet sky. I am now concentrating on nothing but you. The shillouette of the convertable T-bird is on the black concrete, its following us making sure we arrive at our destination or at least safley whereever we may end up. I am reminded how much I really love you, watching you softly sing all the words to the old version of “Boys of Summer” because you like the oldies better than that “new shit they try and play these days” as you would say. Dont think I forget how truley amazing you are everytime I turn my head in any direction other than yours. Honestly? I’ll tell you so I dont leave you wondering much longer. I really would forget how you treat me so well, how much I love looking into your eyes and all the reasons why I find you so irresistable if it weren’t for this thing called a memory which seems to keep you running through my head. No wonder you’ve been strangley sleepy latley. As we drive for what seems like forever I take everything in. I wouldn’t mind if forever could last just a bit longer. Since the last time I checked the clock, 3 hours had passed and I realize now as I come out of my own little world that we are nearing our exit. The car drastically slows down and you turn off the radio for the remainder of the ride. So now it’s just you, me, and the wind gently brushing my face and playfully teasing my hair. You reach over and hold my hand. Yours are chilly from grasping the steering wheel for such a long period of time. I don’t mind though as I am able to warm them up for you. We pull into the parking lot that over looks the beach and just a little farther into the distance, the ocean. You turn off the engine, leaving just the radio on. It’s nice to know I have somone who will always be there for me. You take out the fleece blanket and lay it on the hood of your car. You just got that new paint job so it’s only normal to be cautious about that thing. I would assure you it’s much nicer to lay on the blanket anyway. We lay back and you hold me in your arms. I’m definatly living a dream. You are my fairy tale prince and I’m your lonly and daydreamy Cinderella. That glass slipper I lost a long time ago...well I guess you found out who it belonged to. I now remember all the times I saw shooting stars and blew out my birthday candles. I realize you are my wish come true.

You were upset I saw it in your eyes. Then you walked away closing the door. I sat outside waiting, taking in everything. It felt so lonely even though you were so close. I find it truly unbelievable how much a door can separate two people. How much just being on one side could make you feel helpless and so alone. I knocked. You knocked b back and soon opened the door. I saw your face and knew exactly what it said. Seeing your face I felt my heart sink. You waved as a sign that I could enter and I came in and shut the door. I stared into complete darkness. Not knowing where I was or what was surrounding me. I felt the darkness engulfing me. Taking me back to a childhood memory. One that I forgot and left behind not to long ago. It came back. Taking me away from you. I will not let it take me away from you. I needed to grab onto something just to reach out. I felt myself slipping away. Reached out and you were there. Tucked into the back like a box you put there for storage. You were not here for storage. I touched your hand and felt your breath on my face. I was hot and calm. I felt my body begin to relax with every heartbeat. Despite the darkness, things began to come into focus. I felt you comming closer and knew what was coming. I remember how your lips felt. For a second I couldn’t remember where I was or why I was there. We shared a longer more impulsive kiss later. The kind that always lets me know you care. The kind that leaves me speechless and so happy to be alive. We sat there for a while me making sure I didn’t let go of your hand. I never wanted to let go. I wanted to stay like that in the dark forever. You mom came in and blinded us with light. I caught a glimpse of your face as my eyes were adjusting. Your face as blank and expressionless as ever. Your eyes held the truth. They always do. I love your eyes... I love getting lost in them. You don’t speak. You just shake your head or shrug as if you didn’t want anyone to do what would satisfy or make you happy. You get up and walk out and I feel as if this were a movie I was in, but I forgot to read the script. My head is spinning and I feel my heart beat faster and faster. I need to sit so I sit in your chair trying to regain my strength and think in my head what my script would have written for me. I try to move my legs to get me down the stairs. I see your brother. “Check downstairs”, is all I get out of him. I go downstairs not wanting to interrupt anything but really just wanting to be with you. You moms standing they’re looking at you but I cant see where you are. She steps beside and I realize you are in the boiler room. I don’t know weather I should embrace you or not. I know when I’m upset no matter what I say I would just love you to grab me and hold me. I wont fight you I promise. Eventually I more closer and lightly put my hand on you. You look confused and lost and eventually you leave me standing there. You switch on the radio and turn it loud. Its rather relaxing and distracting, I feel weak. As if i were just defeated in a battle. It wasn’t you who defeated me. It was myself. You move to sit in the rocker and I watch you unable to move. Its as if I'm watching a bird with a broken wing. Beautiful creature it is, though I cannot help it because I fear if I move it it will be in much more pain. Beautiful bird. I watch you for a long time just concentrating. Eventually you motion me towards you and I’m scared to move. Scared I might fall more w/ every step I take. I breathe in deep making sure my legs can carry me to you. I want to reach you so bad. I make it to your side and you have me sit on your lap. You rock and I feel safe. I feel as a child must feel with a mother. Holding them making sure their safe in their arms. Their baby. All I can do is hold on to you. I’m so happy this moment is ours. No one else’s. You speak the first words to me since a while ago. “Did I rub off on you?” you whisper. I say no. I think for a moment, trying to understand how I can be so happy yet so sad. You look so sad. I feel a combination. Eventually you pick me up and carry me to the couch, which is good because I don’t think my legs would have gotten me there. I feel like we had just gotten married. My mind plays a scene of the beach. I see the ocean and sand infront of me. You pick me up and carry me down the aisle. I see a lot of smiling faces though I cannot place names. The wind is whipping around my thoughts, as I come out of my daydream only to find myself on your couch with you lying next to me. Just as good as paradise I think. Because paradise with you is even better. We talk about a lot. You seem to have a happier manner to you. You kiss me one last time. Once again I am swept away by you. And I sleep happy that night, because paradise with you... is even better.

I saw my Scotty today. He looks very good for just having surgery yesterday. I went to the mall to get an application for the dippin dots kiosk and that dress I've had my eye on. Black corset type lace up dress with an uneven bottom. So nice! So while I was there I offered to bring Scott some Dippin dots. I can definatly say that there was very few places I would have rather been at that moment instead of watching him eat his icecream being all cute like. Love is such a funny thing. It can make even the darkest days seem good. I wish he knew how much I think about him and care about him or I could do somthing that could repay him or show him how much I love him. Longing for summer...it better come fast

Well today was a very intresting day. It was mine and Scotts 6 mth aniversary today. He got surgery though today which is sucky...but his headaches are gone as of now so finally the doctors fixed somthing on him! This weather is driving me nuts! I cant take this anymore. One week its hitting 70...the next week it is dropping to the 20s! What is going on?! Oh well at least spring break is in 2 days and Florida is in 17. What an april.

Trying a new journal to see if I can make this one pretty and maybe leave Blurty temporarily. See www.blurty.com/users/x0beachbum0x