May 23, 2008

I've got half an hour to write before my bus arrives.

God, i've not been here in so long. The content of my journals is staggering, spanning years of ups and downs, relationships, drug abuse, isolation and old connections. These things are such a huge part of me, maps of my life as seen from the only one experienced enough to understand it. Even then though, i don't think i do. Perhaps that's the point of the endless entries that i always knew nobody would read. Maybe it just needed to come out.

I don't talk so much anymore. I don't seem like who i used to be. I told Lily how different i am off my meds, maybe i was mistaken: maybe it's not the meds that have changed me, maybe the influences of life have. It's not the drugs, i've been off them since the start of Alison. Maybe it was her? Maybe this is the effect of hundreds of repetitive nights of complacent companionship? Her idea of a conversation was... what? I don't know. She seemed to talk to her friends more than me, but then she'd talk to them about me. If i witnessed conversations i'd be amazed by how little she would say, i could never understand the dynamics of it all. All i ever wanted to do was gush, empathise, understand, connect... while she would be content to simply be in the company of accepting friends.

I miss the old me. I used to be so full of energy, what happened? I never let a moment of silence fall, now i seem to revel in it as though bathing in warm ocean water on a lazy day, letting it wash over me with little care of future or past.

I like Lily. I should wrte about her because i'll want to read it later, and all i've written so far is a brief entry in one of many written journals the night after i first encountered her: "i met a girl, she really listened, but i can't really remember her". How embarrasing. That stage has passed now. I don't know what to say here. She's captivating, compelling. After i met her for the first time sober, i remember telling people: she's amazing. When she looks at me it's as if nothing else exists, i just want to be inside her head and understand, but i don't care that i'm not, and it's all ok. I love hearing her talk, especially now that i don't so much! She introduced me to crispie cream donuts, i'll want to remembe that. We went on a tourist date, that was painful on the legs but unique and refreshing. There's so much more i need to put down before i forget, but i'm well aware that i should be departing now. Fuck.

I've typed up a CV for Snappy Snaps. I will miss the people from WHSmiths dearly, but after 4 years of service and nothing but distrust from my superiors to show for it, it's time to move on. I think i need something smaller, something easier to manage at one go. Soemthing less distracting.

Uni planning is going well. Ok, it's not really going at all. Human Biology is a potential threat,m i got 53% in my last paper, my usual grade is 70. This one fucking stupid pointless subject could prevent me attaining to the one goal i have in the next 3 years of me life.

And i suppose i have to end it there.