Dominic is probably at some club with Maria. Who is old enough to do those things and therefore more deserving of his affection. And they are probably making out in his car. And having a crapload of fun. While I sit here and let his actions take full control over my emotions. Because I let him in my head like that when he loved me because then, he made me feel good. And now he's stuck in there. And still has full control over my emotional state. And now.... I have to sit back and watch him live the life I’ve wanted so bad for so long. All the while forgetting about me while I’m stuck loving him completely. And I have to watch him leave and get a real life in the real world. And I probably won't even get to say goodbye in person. And it is entirely possible that I have already gotten the last hug from him I will ever get. Which he probably didn't even want to give me. All the few memories that I have with him will fade away. And he will become just a guy. A guy that I don't know anymore. And maybe never did know. Can you really know someone you never see? And in 4 years when I can be with him, he'll have found someone else. And he'll be engaged and happy and in love. And when and if I talk to him then he'll act as though we were casual acquaintances. Because that's what I’ll have been reduced to in his head by then. He’ll have convinced himself that it never meant anything And in 10 years maybe I’ll see him somewhere With his family. Hell maybe I’ll be with my family too. But by then we won't know each other anymore. All the late night conversations will be gone. I don't even remember most of them anymore. Who knows what we talked about then? But I know we don't anymore. I know it's definitely not even close to what it was. But the sad part is that I don't even remember what's missing. Like he said. We were made for each other. God just screwed up on the timing. And now I’ll have to settle for second best. Which sucks because not-second best is right in front of my face. Talking to me 4 hours a day. And I love talking to him. But I know it's going to end. I know he's leaving soon. And I can't even see him ever in the time that's left before he goes. What little time we have left as friends is being wasted, because god screwed things up. 99% of the time I’m thinking, "I wish he was here" Or "what would he be doing if he was here." Or "what would he be saying" And the truth is that I don't know. Because I don't know him. I’ve only talked to him one on one over the Internet. I don't...remember him. It’s been so long since I’ve really seen him with people fore more then a few seconds. I hate it that I don't remember him. But I do. But only parts. One of the strongest memories that on the bus band from the old shoe game. At Lehman And it was night, of course. And I had my head on his chest And he was talking to Adam who was a few seats back. And I could feel every word he said And I could feel him breath and I could feel his heart beating. And I could feel his arms on me, And I knew that he loved me. And I knew that everything I ever needed was right there. I mean, I know that's not true, but then it was. In those few minutes, I had everything I wanted and needed. And now I almost keep waiting for him to say, "don't worry, I was just kidding. Of course I still love you." But I know he's not going to ever. And I hate him for it. I hate him for being so old. And so happy. Except that I don't Hate him I mean Because I can't I know. It’s not him that's making me sad. That’s the hard part. He never did anything to hurt me. It was all the other bullshit surrounding everything He makes me very, very happy. Because he still says little things that show he still cares. Probably not love, but he still cares. I know that. I just know he's not going to for long. Everything I just told you, I want to scream in his face so bad. I am being depressing. And I should stop.