i typed and typed about my weekend and positive memories and thoughts. as i saved, sitdiary logs me out. why? who knows?

Bittersweet, you’re gonna be the death of me I don’t want you but I need you I love you and hate you at the very same time.

i am seriously missing the late-night conversations about everything. i hate stupid full-time jobs that leave guys tired. i feel so desperate for a good conversation because i thrive on those. but it is 26 minutes past midnight and there is really no one to talk to. i have really distanced myself from everyone. the physical distance was already there but there is just some other distance created that i cannot even articulate or identify. i cannot befriend people in riverside and if i do, they are so short-living. it's just that i feel as if every girl is just superficial here and they're always looking for party. i have grown out of that. i just want someone to go out with and not be all crazy about partying. i don't want people up in my face about sorority and clubbing and all that. and yeah, i am pretty sure that there are people out there who aren't in sororities and don't go clubbing. but they feel so weird because they are so different from me. i seriously feel so sadly disconnected from the world and i realize that i am only now reaching out to people when they've been reaching out to me in the past. and all i basically did was push them away and flaked out on them. argh. i am a flawed person, i know. i guess there's just so many things about me that i need to change and re-invent. until then, i am this measly person of nothing.

"How do we get there with the complexities and pressures of our current lifestyles? Perhaps it’s a matter of becoming aware of what we truly have as opposed to what our egos believe we need. If we look closely, we may find that our ego ‘needs’ are just desires. When you find yourself longing for something, stop and ask, "What is missing from my life? Is it a need? What are the essential qualities of what I seek? How can I experience that now?"

Your Love Life Secrets Are Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves. You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't? It's important to you that your lover is very attractive. You like to have someone to show off. In fights, you love to debate and defend yourself. You logic prevails - or at least you'd like to think so. You have a hard time ending relationships, even if the other person says it's over. Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed What Your Latte Says About You You are very decadent in all aspects of your life. You never scale back, and you always live large. You can be quite silly at times, but you know when to buckle down and be serious. You have a good deal of energy, but you pace yourself. You never burn out too fast. You're addicted to caffeine. There's no denying it. You are responsible, mature, and truly an adult. You're occasionally playful, but you find it hard to be carefree. You are honest and genuine, but you are never tactless. What Does Your Latte Say About You? What Your Bathroom Habits Say About You You are very independent and self-centered. You don't solve other people's problems - and you don't expect them to solve yours. Your look is put together, classic, and stylish. You always look fashionable without trying. You are a little shy and easily embarrassed. You often wonder if you are normal. In relationships, you are practical and realistic. You have a romantic side, but you only let it out when it's appropriate. What Do Your Bathroom Habits Say About You? You Are Sunrise You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be. What Time Of Day Are You?

i saw part of my last entry and why does everything appear so sad? my past several entries are just downright depressing. i don't know, am i happy? i wish i could be. i wish i knew what would make me happy.

“I think I’d be a gardener in a woods just for children, and when they came by I’d sit and listen to their wonderings. And the ocean would be nearby. I’d live in a little house on the shore. At dawn I’d stripped off all my clothes and swim. At night I’d sing a song about the way life used to be. It would be such a sad song it would make the grownups nod and the children cry. But I’d sing it every night so that no one would ever confuse nostalgia with wanting to return.” -Stone Butch Blues, Leslie Feinberg As much as I dreaded reading this book in the beginning, since it was an assigned reading for a class, I have grown to love it. I found myself unable to put the novel down just because it was so interesting and the words were so captivating. It had expressed ideas I could not, it had explained tumultuous emotions in words that flowed ever so poetically and beautifully.

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life." -- Mary Manin Morrissey Journaling is a great way to release and let go. To get things off your chest. Our minds are our own worst enemies. The same thoughts go round and round in the same old ways and keep us stuck. If something bothers you, write about it. Get it out so you can see it from a different perspective. Let it out. Let it go.

Many of us have been taught to believe that we are valued for what we do, not just for who we are. ‘Doing’ is important, but to keep life in balance, we also need time to just ‘be.’

Not conscious - instinctual, follower Subconscious - habitual, robotic, reactive Conscious - aware, intelligent, conceptual, reflective Superconscious - intuitive, guiding, truthful, loving, universal

sometimes when you get what you want, you miss out on the things you left behind.

Practice detachment As our consciousness rises, our perspective becomes more and more impersonal. What does this mean? It means we are increasingly able to view our lives and the rest of the world with detachment. This does not mean we are cold and uncaring. Rather, we are self-contained. We have well-defined boundaries and we are able to think and act objectively, clearly and responsibly. When we have learned detachment, we do not get hooked into the thoughts and feelings of others. We are not easily upset or manipulated. We may feel compassion for others but this does not cloud our ability to choose how we think, feel and behave. We also do not need others to behave in any particular way.

Girl, you wanted To shut it all off and make a run for the door It's so hard To make it For every inch we get we need a mile more But there is always so much distance can't but feel it somehow And you have never ever felt it like you feel it right now I'm closing off inside and it is only just starting But you can't be close enough unless I'm feeling your heart beat All of your love Is all that I need All of your love Is all that I need Girl What are you doing now? And are you going out? Or has your life shut down? Are you there? This thing keeps cutting out I feel like freaking out But we keep reaching out But there is always so much distance can't but feel it somehow And you have never ever felt it like you feel it right now I'm closing off inside and it is only just starting But you can't be close enough unless I'm feeling your heart beat All of your love Is all that I need All of your love Is all that I need Girl It's hard enough Just to move around, yeah It's hard enough Just to move around I wanted you Oh, I wanted you Girl I wanted you to move Oh, I wanted you Girl I wanted you Oh, I wanted you to move Around Around All of your love Is all that I need All of your love Is all that I need [Repeat till end]

we were meant to besuppose to be but we lost it.

i miss him so much. i just want to talk to him, that's all i want. i don't care if he has a somebody in his life. i don't care if we don't make out or have sex when we see each other. what i'm just yearning is that intellectual conversation about injustices in our society. i just want to catch up on each other's lives and see how he's doing in a new environment and community. you know, i just really want him as a friend. just somebody to talk to about things and actually feel as if they're listening and actually having them talk back and form a discussion. i have a feeling i won't hear from him for a while, perhaps months. saddens me that our friendship operates this way. i wish he would make of an effort to be my friend and to know what's going on. but i know months afterward, when we do talk, he seems so eager so i guess he's making himself anticipate our meeting. last time, he told me he would be really sad the day he can't see me anymore. so i guess that's a guarantee i'll see him in the future. but two months have passed since our last meeting and i am really anticipating the next time we're going to see each other. i hope it's soon.

*either your instinct are right or your brain is trying to protect you from the truth. *realizations stop you in your track, some take you in new directions.

1.) What was the best of 2006? senior year; graduation; visiting cambodia & vietnam 2.) What was your status by Valentine's Day? single 3.) Were you in school (anytime this year)? yes 4.) How did you earn your $$? i didn't. 5.) Did you end up in the hospital? no 6.) Have you ever encountered the police? nope 7.) Where did you go on vacation? cambodia and vietnam. 8.) What did you purchase that was over $500? my laptop 9.) Did you know anybody who got married? yes 10.) Did you know anybody who past away? fortunately, no. 11.) Have you ran into anybody you graduated high school with? yeah! about two times already. 12.) Did you move anywhere? yes 13.) What sporting events did you go to? dodgers' game. 14.) What concerts did you go to? recycled percussion, and saosin and summer obsession with to our school so that, i guess. 15.) Are you registered to vote? yes i registered 3x =] 16.) If so, did you do your patriotic duty on Nov. 7? i'm a permanent absentee voter, so i did it beforehand. 17.) Where do you live now? lincoln 18.) What did you do on your birthday? threw up, grad night, olive garden! 19.) What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2006? have that moment with that one person again; get a boyfriend; go to another country; dance in front of a room of people oh-so-ridiculously; cheat 20.) What is one thing you regretted this year? nothing 21.) What's something you learned about yourself? i trap myself in certain situations and i love the feeling of meeting someone new and getting to know them. 22.) Any new additions to your family? no 23.) What was your best month? april, may or june. 24.) What from pop culture will you remember 2006 by? don't know. 25.) How would you rate this year with a scale from 1 (worst) to 10 (the best)? 9

But there's nothing half as sweet in life as love's young dream.

Some quotes regarding feminism to promote brain activity. The first quote is by Emma Goldman -- I love the way her brain operates. The last three quotes are by Betty Friedan, again, another interesting woman with truthful thoughts. 1. The higher mental development of woman, the less possible it is for her to meet a congenial male who will see in her, not only sex, but also the human being, the friend, the comrade and strong individuality, who cannot and ought not lose a single trait of her character. 2. When she stopped conforming to the conventional picture of femininity she finally began to enjoy being a woman. 3. Men weren't really the enemy - they were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine mystique that made them feel unnecessarily inadequate when there were no bears to kill. 4. Men are not the enemy, but the fellow victims. The real enemy is women's denigration of themselves.

ask yourself these questions daily in order to focus your mind on joy: how pleasant can you make today? _for yourself? _for those you love? _for total strangers around you? the more you give away job -- including smiles & words of encouragement -- the more joy you will feel welling up within.