swimming is so neat. freezing of course. things seem to be leveling out finally going out having a little bit of fun. what to do with the rest of my night though.. hmmm i guess i haven't written in a while, hell it still says i'm 20. shouldn't it change that, i'm sure it knows my birthday. when will it all start making sense! ahhh!!! ladi-dah

and yesterday i was all hunky dorey bahbahbah trying to make a life away from her and i realize without calling her and my roommates being gone, i have nothing at all! just sit around the house try to play guitar stroll over to the neighbors until i remember we dont really hang out. bahbahbah

fuck fuck fuck another scar scratched open scratched open about a month ago and wont go away what the fuck cani get a god damned timpani roll to start this god damned song.... for all you god damned people let's not shit ourselves i love you.... i can't stop thinking about you... and i know you'll never read this never know this exists.. starting to wonder if you know i exist anymore... it's only been 3 years since we've known eachother. does he kiss your eyelids in the morning when you start to raise your head.... i love you far too much... worried you smoke to many cigarettes... is he coughing now on a bathroom floor?? eternally... and we plotted out my death... you are my sunshine.. my only sunshine.... you make me happy... WHAT!!!!??????? i kissed a girl with a broken jaw that her father gave to her. she had eyes bright enough to burn me there.. reminded me of yours.... it rolls like thunder clapped under our hands.... it stretched for centurys to a diary entry's end.... the clocks heart it hangs inside it's broken chest with hands stretched towards the calender hanging itself... where i was layed..... i love you...

i'm tired of stupid mind games. i'm tired of dealing with goddamn kids. i dont feel myself to be the most mature person in the world, but jesus christ people. here's a little list. 1) i'm not yours to mold 2) if things aren't exactly the way you think they should be, don't just walk away (compromise! good word if i do say so myself) 3) grow the fuck up and get out of your cockroach mentality. just cause i tried to flick on the light on the front porch you scattered to the bathroom. i just hope i dont have to take a shit anytime soon. as long as i'm making sense huh? fuck it. STOP MIND GAMES. they're useless. they prove nothing. i've never seen one work. i used to be the king of mind games. i got shot in the face for every single one of them. the only difference is sometimes i was holding the gun. "if i sold my soul for a bag of gold to you, which one of us would be the fool." i feel like i'm 13 again. can't sleep. too pissed off to even hold a guitar. i go through hell trying to talk to her on the fucking internet. my modem crashes, so i spend about half an hour in a panic trying to fix everything. i get on, and she's just fine, and happy that i'm back. sounds good to me. then MSN locks up, and she isnt' recieving any of my messages. so she threatens to leave. so my MSN decides to start working. oh boy do i look like an ass. i have to copy/paste everything i said between her messages just to prove that i wasn't fucking around. so then we just sit there and dont talk, but neither of us wants to leave because talking to eachother is so exciting apparently. so i start digging for conversation. i regretfully brought up the big R. religion has to be the worst thing in the world for any kind of relations. apparently she doesn't think we can talk anymore becuase she's a "non-denominational christian" and i'm just non-denominational. "it would never work if you disagree with what i believe in". so i tell her that i dont think she's wrong, i just dont know if it's right for me, and blah blah blah blah kiss ass blah kiss ass. "it just wouldn't work still" so i told her that it was stupid. by this time i'm realizing that if she really thinks this way i really dont think i should be getting involved with her anyways. GOLD STAR FOR SEAN!! since when does non-denominational automatically turn someone into a self righteous git, calling every christian, jew, muslim, buhdist, ect they see a complete dumbass. in fact, that's mostly why i'm non-denominational, because the denominations are even worse about it than any athiest or agnostic i've EVER met. sure i've been quite self righteous before. in fact i used to be really bad about that. i'm pretty sure that 90% of the agnostic/athiests i've met were the most laid back and accepting people i'd ever met. agh, norrow minded fucking gits. i can keep typing cause no one will read anything this long anyways. but i sure as hell will!!! no one's here to hear me bitch, so i appologize to you! fuck the bullshit fuck the bullshit fuck the bullshit. i feel i earned my way out of high school, why do i need to be shipwrecked on some rock stuck in the water rooted deep in angst. fuck the bullshit

another lonely night! you'd think i'd be getting used to it by now. hmm.. just got back from san antonio. played a show at crabby jacks. actually a pretty cool place, but the show wasn't anything special. the two bands we played with were pretty cool though. spent all night hitting on a girl just to piss my room mate off. well.. that's not really how it goes. i think she is QUITE swell, but she fucked my roommate over a couple of years ago. i always restrained myself knowing that it would be bad for our friendship for me to hit on her. until i realized that he would do the same to me in a heartbeat. so fuck him. agh.. i had oysters tonight. it's hard sleeping alone after indulging in aphrodesiacs. guess i just have to sleep on my side tonight. :P mmmm.. old No.7.. that's the stuff.. maybe a little whiskey will rub that out. it's funny how i've conditioned myself over the years to need to be with someone. i'm even writing this hoping some incredibly sweet and attractive girl will read it and feel sorry for me and want to cuddle. cuddling is nice. "when you're alone, do you make faces at the dark? when you're feeling desperate, who's the one you call?" i need something new in my life so badly. work, band, cigarettes, and booze are the only things i have to entertain or annoy me. and they all do both so well! i'm even considering hooking back up with an ex girlfriend for crissakes. ooooh save me jebus...

Kristen call me! tis important. grr i dont want to go to work. oh well. hillary messaged me last night. "happy aniversary" yeah that helps so much. oh well, i'm not actually too distraught over it. just putting me in a weird mood. and, as you can tell my face is a little scratched up. probably the most pain hillary has brought me in a while. got pretty wasted saturday night. ended up doing a faceplant into the back porch at ashley's. kinda funny looking back on it. glasses are scratched to shit though. constant headache.

"..three times alone this week, i was supposed to be a rock star.." i guess that kinda sums up my mood. played a gig tonight. solo's dont seem to flow like they used to. now i just play a bunch of notes to fill the space. i used to be able to hear every last bit of my heart played out in every note, but now they're just notes. i'm not sure why i just can't put forth the feeling i used to, but it's pissing me off. oh well.. new horizons. things are getting better. i hope that will come with it.

two days with no beer. not a drop of booze. feeling good and shaky at the same time. things seem to be going alright though. valentines day is going to suck though. it's amazing at how much my life has changed so much because of february 14, 2004. mine and hillary's first kiss. wow, what a crazy year. i probably wouldn't be in austin if i hadn't visited her that one day. all the wonderful things that happened because i met her. so many tears though. i never cried so much over anything. hehe, i'm so silly. these next few weeks are going to be kinda emotional though. so many damned memories. i plan on drinking ALOT on saturday. once a week isn't a bad thing i dont think. well pink floyd is over so i'm going to bed. might smoke a lil, get in the right sleeping mood. not used to sleeping sober.

i have two camel wides left that jay gave me. thank you jay. i have more bud light in the fridge. thank you ray. i hate bud light, but i guess whatever wets my lips. i ran out of smokes at work today. i almost killed someone. i still have that collapsed lung feeling from eating too much cheese burger with buffalo sauce. booze has finally done me in. everything's giving me heart burn now. i never used to get heart burn. no one to talk to so i guess i'll just rant here for a while. if anyone feels like reading a novel, here ya go! life is so fucking confusing now. i got a new guitar, but i still have too many bills. i'm still thinking about getting that truck. and then the whole band thing. oh well.. call me kristen. i know i shouldnt, but i miss ya.

so... the good ole punk band wants me to rejoin. and they just got a record deal. they begged me. i miss that band so much. just so much more heart than Aurora Skyline. but i really really dont want to move back to that area. Copperas Cove hell hole. fuck all of that. why can't the just come here. but Skyline is opening for Three Doors Down in may. what to do what to do....

well it seems everything is changing today. new room mate, new guitar, new journy for fulfillment. i think i might just slow my crazy little lifestyle down a bit. going to be kinda hard with Ray moving in. good ol' drinkin buddy. maybe AA is in order?? i dont know why i'm getting this guitar. i can't really afford it. though it is a phenominal deal! '79 Gibson SG for $125, who could complain? i might just have to miss Bright Eyes for this one. but i still have a ticket to take care of, defensive driving before march. maybe if i stop buying beer i'll have some fucking money! still debating on the new vehicle. could be interesting.

so it would seem that i am once again incapable. the worst part is that it's absolutly no body's fault. i need a scape goat. i only find capability in booze. i am socially screwed sober. i never thought that i would ever imagine quitting drinking, but i think it's coming soon. i have too many crutches and not enough legs. i'm exhausted but there's no way i'm going to be able to sleep anytime soon. i'm so pathatic.

This is some bullshit. everyone leaves the apartment and leaves me to watch the transient. so i can't go anywhere. i have no phone, and no one else does either. spent about 7 hours downloading two movies, which dont work of course. piece of shit codecs package. talk about waking up on the wrong side of the fucking bed. i'd better cheer up before work, someone might die.

wow, what a fucked weekend. made absolutly no money. spent about sixty bucks on nothing. way to much booze and smokes. my body's going into shock i believe. didn't get back to the party until 8am. i wonder where kristen is. i should have come home last night. i really want to see her. it's been about three days without sight of her. hmm... i dont know if i want to invest emotion into anyone. she seems worth the risk though. i guess that's what really matters. if you're willing to run the risk of getting crushed something really good could probably come out of it. i need sleep. i wonder where kristen is. i'm pretty sure i know where she is; though, i'm scared to call. i dont think i should. for his sake.

quite possibly going to be a very very very bad day. the events of last night didn't help much. i'm a douche bag and that's the only way to characterize last night. finally finding something great and watching it go somewhere and i go and mess it up one more time. i felt like a 13 year old being being taken advantage of and at the same time, a 20 year old who knew quite well what was going on and not knowing how to handle it. and now i'm probably without a job. look at me. i'm sitting at work right now typing this. i was twenty minutes late to work today. i didn't have to work until 2pm! its bad enough that i'm probably just ruined something that's probalby never going to come around again if i'm not completely 100% carefull. i am officially have won the douche bag of the year award in the past 24 hours, and it's only january 20th. some one please shoot me. please

welcoming myself to the flacid world of online journals. there goes all of my cool points right out the sliding glass door. all three of them at least. oh well.. i'm bored. hurry up kristen. party at ashley's tonight.