Wow. I haven't written in this in so long.. honestly I forgot it existed. So I re-vamped it a little and it's back again. Comment if you're reading! =) Anyway, not too sure what to say... I'm still with the same guy from my older entries, for over 8 months now. Even though I don't get to see him a lot, I'm still very happy. I guess that's all I really ever talked about in here, so I'm not so sure what else to update on. Today at school we had a huge assembly last period for a Battle of the Bands Concert, just as a treat to the students since it's Catholic Schools Week- how awesome is that? Anyway all the bands were great and the last two were phenominal. The whole auditorium was up and dancing and teachers just let us like it was a huge party in school! It was so fantastic. And all the band boys are SO cute. I love to watch them rock out and dance. Sigh. Oh! I know what I can do! Ok, this is my "secret journal" which means no one I know in person knows it exists. Which is nice, just a place to write whatever I'm feeling. So Ican post something here that I don't want anyone I know to see: my prom dress!!! Okay, okay, so the senior prom isn't until April. But the girls here are so prom-crazed already; if I waited any longer to buy a dress I probably wouldn't have gotten one. Anyway, I told 3 girls that I bought it, and I told them what color it is.. but no one is seeing it until the atcual night of prom. But someone needs to let me know what they think, because I want to show it off!! Here's the picture link (It's the red version shown): http://store1.yimg.com/I/yhst-9183187142418_1828_20255716 http://store1.yimg.com/I/yhst-9183187142418_1828_20422914 Comments are very much appreciated on anything at all! I love making new friends- you foreign sitD-ers are the only ones who will ever see this, and I love how eveyrone at sitD comments on everyone else's stuff and that's welcome... it's not like LJ or something. So comment!! [qb]

Does anyone still read this? I forgot I even had it.

Oh man. It feels so great to be able to say that (what's in my title, this is). He's my boyfriend. And he has been for almost 5 months. I love being with him. So much. He's everything I knew he was & more. Since we've started dating, I've learned even more about him and who he is as a person, and I love every single little detail that's a part of him. I can't even begin to explain him or how much he means to me. Maybe I'll type up the letter I wrote for him for his birthday in August- but that only says so much.. sigh. And I know sometimes I can lose sight of that. But oh my gosh- when I take the time to stop and realize what I have, it blows me away. It literally knocks the air right out of me, and I forget to breathe again. I never want to be without him. God. I hope he knows that. I'm past falling. I've been falling for a year now, and on some level, I always knew it. Especially the last 5 months. I fell. I've landed. And I love where I've arrived. [qb]

Felt like updating again :) Figured I'd let you know-- Remember Him? The one I used to talk about? We've been together for almost 5 months now. :c) Comment if you want details or something- I need an excuse to write some more! [qb]

Today is my birthday. I'm 17. Life is good.

I talked to him for a while on Monday. It was great- I really missed him. He asked me why I thought he didn't like me anymore, and I said because we sort of stopped talking and hanging out. We both weren't exactly sure why it happened- I guess we've both been majorly busy. He went on to say that he never stopped liking me and he wants to try to work something out again. That was on Monday, and now it's Thursday. I'm still giddy. This week has flown by, because all I can focus on is that half hour after school where we get to talk and joke around and be together. I don't think I realized how much I really liked him until this week. The flirty conversations are back, and my stomach is like one giant butterfly. I wouldn't trade the feeling for the world. We're supposed to hang out soon, which should be cool. I'm excited to start going places with him again, he's such an awesme date. I want to go to the park. We'll see, I guess. I had something else to say about all of this, but I can't remember because I've become sidetracked thinking about him. Oh! He's going to the Yellowcard concert tomorrow, and getting backstage for free, cuz he has connections with people who work there. How awesome is that? I wish I was going with him. Awesome band + awesome guy = awesome date. *Sigh* Oh well, next time I guess! Okay, I'm going to stop before I sicken someone with my heavy case of spring fever. Comment please!! :c) [qb]

And now, just for fun: EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS (Favorite Spice + Last Foreign Vacation Spot) Pepper Corriander Labadee SOCIALITE ALIAS (Silliest Childhood Nickname + Town Where You First Partied) Suzie Q 'Boro DIVA ALIAS (Something Sweet Within Sight + Any Liquid in Kitchen) Hershey Hazelnut Cream GIRL DETECTIVE ALIAS (Favorite Baby Animal + Where You Went to High School) Kitty FHS BARFLY ALIAS (Last Snack Food You Ate + Your Favorite Drink) Chocolate Daiquari SOAP OPERA ALIAS (Middle Name + Street Where You First Lived) Sue ---(can't remember the name of the street I was born on, since I only lived there a year and a half) PORN STAR/STRIPPER ALIAS (First Pet's Name + Street You Grew Up On) Snowball Rock

I said I would update this more, so here it goes. I'm going to talk about an amazing night: Junior Prom, April 15, 2004. I woke up at 9:15ish yesterday morning- Kerrie had slept over the night before, so we got up, picked up my basement, ate breakfast and took showers. We got to the salon at 11 for our appointments and got out hair done. Mom took pictures. I got my hair put all up, with a side part and lots of curls, and it looked awesome. I was so happy with it. We left the salon at around 1pm and went out to lunch with my mom. Then we stopped at CVS to pick up some last-minute stuff, and we ran into Ann Marie, her mom, and Lauren, who were on their way to get their hair done. Got more compliments on my tan :C) After CVS, we went to the florist to pick up my date's flower... hehe We got home around 2:30, and my mom did my make-up :C) My grandma came too, so that was good because she's awesome. Then Becca called around 3 and said she was on her way- got to my house about 10 minutes later. The limo got here like a half an hour early and was just chillin in my driveway. :D My auntie Laura and my little cousin Alyssa came too- a lot of people were there.. So we were all sitting around talking when we were like, "Uh-oh, it's 3:45- everyone is coming at 4..." so we went downstairs to get dressed and put on all our jewelry and such. (Ben called because he got lost getting here as we all knew he would, so we gave him directions. Somehow he ended up in Plainville..) My aunt came downstairs with the video camera and stuff, and my mom and Becca's mom were helping us. (Becca put her necklace on wrong.. silly Twigga.) So we (Me, Kerrie, and Becca) were finally all ready to go. We came upstairs, and Tim was in my front hall. He couldn't close his mouth :D hehehe, that was funny. Dave got here next, then Ben. We all took couple picture shots in my living room and then did a bunch of candids. Then we went out to my front yard and took more group pictures- our faces hurt from smiling so much. Allie and Matt came next. Matt's cane was awesome, seriously :-P 2 of my neighbors randomly came over.. So Erika and John came last (but not least! :-P) and we all took a few more pictures, then loaded into the limo (which was white and huge and awesome) and we were off. We got to Rhodes about 20 minutes later. On the limo ride over we all were goin crazy, making fun of John's hair, etc. hehehe. :D We were the *first* people through the receiving line. Rhodes was huge inside and really gorgeous. The decorations were good- me, Allie, and Becca were proud :D We all got our formal pictures taken then went to our table and more and more people were showing up. We took more pictures- we took our own picture of the Free Girls, and the professional photographer guy liked our setup so much, he took like 4 of us in that pose. Allie is gunna make sure it gets in the yearbook for next year. Yay! I also got a professional pic done with Allie, Erika, Becca, and Tabi. It's gunna be a great one. Everyone looked absolutely amazing. That's really all I can say. I felt so awesome, so... unlike me, but in a really good way. Everyone kept saying I looked like Cinderella... Kerrie called me Cindy all night :D I saw AM, Kerri, Lauren, and a bunch of other people first, and I hung out with them, Alex, Ed, Pat, the limo crew, Dan, Meg Ennes, Shanny, and a bunch of other people for most of the night. We had dinner which was decent. Our toast was definitely memorable (I luv you Erika!) I "went to the bathroom" with Kerrie afterwards- 'twas much-needed. When we came back, everyone was out on the dance floor going crazy, so of course we joined them. But my date was cool and didn't dance :-P (j/k, I don't really care, I had fun anyways) I couldn't find him for the first song, and Dan's date was MIA too, so I danced with Dan instead. Ahh it was so good to see him! He sang with me too.. hehe.. good times. I also danced with Ed, Dave, and Alex. I saw Kerri Lacasse there too, and I meant to say hi, and I totally forgot! :( I'll have to e-mail her or something, I miss her. It was an absolute blast, by far one of the best, if not *the best* dance at Feehan or anywhere I've ever gone to. Despite a few awkward conversations and first encounters, the night was amazing. The dance ended at 11. Everyone didn't want to leave, because it was such a good night and everyone was having so much fun. But we collected our souvenirs (the tiaras we had gotten in the receiving line and our picture frames, and the guys' t-shirts) and headed out to the limo. We got back to my house around 11:45, I think. Mom had some of the pictures up o nthe computer from earlier, so we checked those out. Then we all went down into my basement. Let's hear it for after-parties! We played oldies on the jukebox and danced around some more. Erika & I spun in circles to make our poofy dresses twirl out, it was so much fun. We gave Allie part of her birthday present (finally): 2 fish, and whale flip-flops. She put on the flip-flops and Matt's prom t-shirt and danced around with him- classic pictures, right there. John was being absolutely hilarious- dancing (*with* Erika) and playing pool at the same time, oh gosh. We fooled around with the video camera some more too. The girls chilled for a bit in the '50s booth and ate :D while the guys played pool in teams. It was awesome. Matt, Allie, Tim, Kerrie, Ben & John all left between 12:15 and 12:30. Dave stayed til 1 and played pool with me, and we sucked because we were so out of it. Erika and Becca changed out of their dresses and into PJs, and I went upstairs to walk Dave out at 1am. Then I changed too, and we grabbed blankets and pillows and everything and got comfy in the TV area of my basement and ready for our sleepover! (Allie had to go home :( and Kerrie wasn't feeling well so she left too) We talked for a while with my mom, and Allie called us but we couldn't talk cuz my mom was with us. We meant to call her back but then we realized that I had the first 2 seasons of Dawson's Creek on DVD just sitting there aching to be watched :) We watched Season 1, the Detention/Breakfast Club episode, which is definitely a classic, and then we started the episode after that one but fell asleep in the middle of it. Erika turned off the TV around 3:30/3:45am, and we slept until about 10am this morning. We woke up and watched MORE DC- gotta love TBS. Then we went upstairs and were blinded by the sunlight.. ate some quality bagels while watching Ellen. We went back downstairs, cleaned up, and the girls packed up their stuff. We watched more DC, cuz it's addictive like that :D. We refused to get dressed. Becca's mom came a little after 12, and we were all talking upstairs (got our guy-bashing sessions in), and mom showed her the pictures. Then Erika's mo mcame about 10 minuts later. They all left around 12:45. I finished picking up the basement, which didn't take long because it was basically done. I helped mom put the pictures on CDs with music in the background and stuff so we can give them out to the girls :) Now, I have nothing to do for the rest of the day. It's 2:46 in the afternoon, I'm in my PJs, my whole house is clean (which means no chores today), and I am SO content with life right now. The only thing that could possibly make it better would be a smoothie. Well, a "smoothie", really. But it's hard to just get a smoothie without knowing which smoothie you'd rather have. I'm very indecisive, you know. None of that smoothie nonsense makes any, well, sense. But that's ok. I understand it, and that's all that matters. So here's to everyone who made last night and this morning a time to be remembered. I love all of you guys so much, and I don't know what I'd do without you all. You all make everything worth it, so thanks. I really did have the Time Of My Life April 15, 2004 ¤ Bishop Feehan Junior Prom Never Forget

I made a new layout for this, so maybe it'll inspire me to write a little more. Sorry for the lack of updatage, but with school, projects, theater, updating 3 other journals, and a million other things going on, I've barely had time to sleep, so bear with me. Leave some comments- I miss you SitD people! [qb]

Prom... ugh. Ok. So I was going to ask "Him"- I mean I like him soo much. But he told one of my friends that "he's confused" on if he still likes me. Plus, he might be going away on the week of prom, so he might not be able to go anyways. I found all this out yesterday and it seriously sucked because I like him so much. I mean, usually, I don't get so caught up in a guy, or in anything/-one for that matter. I've always been very independent, sometimes even to an extreme, where I won't let people help me, even if I really need it. Anyway, I don't know what it is. But I feel like I need him. Not like, to survive. But I need him in my life. And preferably as more than a "friend"- which is what we are now. I can't take another 3 months of not knowing if something will happen with him. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so... lost. Still undecided on whether I should ask him. A friend of mine is now taking Dave, so he's out of the picture.. I really don't think the Gary or Harry thing would work either. Gary, because I haven't seen him in a while; and Harry, because he thinks he likes me now, and I don't want to give him the wrong impression. I suppose, also based on my Harry reasoning, that I should rule out the ex. It'd just be too complicated and dramatized and awkward. No thanks. Bob, well, he's once again out for the same reason- plus I really don't think I know him well enough where I could really relax and let loose and have fun with him at prom. Most of my backup junior guys are taken, too, so there goes that idea. Based on that, I guess I've narrowed it down. This is what it's down to. *Chris- awesome guy, awesome friend. Total non-pressure. Likes to dance, and is good friends with Dave, another underclassman going with my friend, so they could hang out. Great company, and easy to havea conversation with. Down side: he's the ex of one of my friends- but we're not even that close anymore, and we *would* just be going as friends. *Dan- awesome guy, awesome friend. I could seriously have a blast with him. He loves to just rock out and be crazy, and he's adorable. We go back a few years, so it'd be good. I used to like him, but I don't think he knows, and that was over 2 year ago anyway so it's way past the awkward stage. I'm really comfortable with him. He's always great for a laugh, a smile and a hug. Down side: he doesn't go to my school anymore; he tranferred a little over a year ago. He could still get in no problem and everything, & he'd probably get along with everyone fine, so I guess it's not *really* an issue, just another fact. *Him- If I could just sort everything out with him, he's without a doubt or question who I would want to go with. I think about him constantly- no- all the time. Seriously, I eat, sleep, and breathe him, basically. I'm in love with the person he is. His personality. His character. His strength. I just.. I haven't liked anyone so much in a long, long time. Down side: I don't want to further "confuse" him. I also don't want to find out at the last minute that he can't go because he's going away, leaving me dateless. Something tells me he might say no because of that chance, and I don't think I could bear to hear that word from him, even with a good reason behind it. On the other hand, if I went with someone other than him, he might think I don't like him anymore, and decide that he's not so "confused" anymore & just doesn't like me, or just get plain jealous/angry. There's always the possibility of just asking/telling him to/about prom, then going with someone else. But again- awkwardness may ensue. Which should really be avoided at all costs. Okay. I think I'm done. I really needed to get all of that out. If any of you have any ideas, suggestions, comments, etc on what I should do, please leave them- they're greatly appreciated!! I could use all the help I can get. [qb]

Possible Prom Dates Date of Prom: April 15, 2004 *Him- He's my #1 choice. I'd have to ask him, since he's in another grade. But I like him so much. He's wonderful. Dream prom, right there. *Dave- one of my good friends a grade lower than me. We've been talking more and more lately. I'm comfortable with him, so we could have a good time as friends. *Chris- another guy a grade lower. He's really funny, not afraid to be himself, and not afraid to dance- huge plus. *Dan- goes to another school now. He's an awesome, awesome kid. Loves to have fun, be himself, and just jump around and be crazy to music. Definitely a guaranteed good time. *Gary- haven't seen him in a while, but it's guaranteed to be a really fun/funny night with him. I can really let lose with him. *Harry- Some people say I should go with Harry, mainly because they're trying to set us up. He's not bad, I don't really know him that well though. But he's a really nice kid. *Bob- we hung out at the mall once on a big group date. He is nice, but verrrry shy and not so confident. Fun level = unsure. *The Ex- granted, we'd have fun. I don't want to give him the wrong idea, though. Because I know he still likes me- it's a fact. *A number of junior guys- all from the same sort of group of people: smart, sarcastic, witty, and fun. No-pressure dates. Strictly friends. Okay, sitD folks. It's up to you. No one I know personally has this link or any knowledge of this journal, so give me your unbiased, 3rd-party opinions here. Who should I go to prom with? [qb]

It is 9:09AM on the first Monday after February vacation, and I'm sitting in Genetics class, Period A, second period. I'm done with the "online assignment" we were given the week before last, so I'm just spacing out, I guess. My teacher is cool- she doesn't seem to mind. Not like I have anything else to be doing anyway. Well, maybe review questions. But oh well- this is better. I was talking to him on Saturday. He lost his favorite guitar pic- it was given to him by the lead singer of LTJ [Chris]. That night I had the longest, strangest dream based off of that.. We were in a huge reception hall, and there were tons of people there, all ages included. I didn't know any of them. I was dancing with some guy much older than me, I think..like, waltzing-dancing type thing. I'm not sure how it happened, but it turned into a huge rock concert, and it was awesome. I looked up onstage, and who was standing there playing his heart on on guitar? Yeah- it was him. He even played drums on some of the songs. He looked at me and smiled ear to ear. I was walking up to him at the end of the night..and the dream ended. Last night's dream was really strange. I was in my old middle school, but it seemed like I was there after the re-building of it, which I never saw in my years there. I was on the second floor, surrounded by the light blue lockers, near lots of doors and windows. The hallway was so wide, it was like the entry hall of the school- but it was the second floor, so it made no sense. Anyway, I had the sensation that it was like an airport- kids I knew and didn't know were heading out the doors after saying long goodbyes to those in the big hallway, and then they disappeared. I was in that hallway, pacing. I could see myself- like an out-of-body experience type dream. Suddenly my ex came up to me with a big camping backpack on. He said nothing, but I knew he was leaving. I gave him a big hug, and when I pulled away, he pulled me back in closer. He kissed me, and everything seemed to stop. Crowds of people were watching us, but I didn't stop him. He pulled away, holding onto my hands.. and he vanished. I was extremely confused and upset. I began running toward the doors to leave myself, when I bumped into.. him. He looked at me, his face so serious, his big blue eyes searing into me, sending an uneasy but wanted chill down my spine. He took my hand in his, and gently brushed back my hair. I didn't hesitate at all and threw myself into his embrace. He picked me up off of my feet and swung me around. Strangely, my legs (I was wearing shorts) turned bright red instantly. But I didn't care. I kissed him, and he kissed back. No one saw us- the hallway was empty. We stayed like that for the rest of the dream. Class is over soon- gotta shut down the laptop. I'll write more later.. [qb]

FIRSTS: First best friend: Hmm.. The Mackenzie girl in F, and Jeremy First real memory of something: Hmm.. probably my house in FL First date: Hmmm. Middle school, con the paper boy. First real kiss: Jason First Break-up: Jared, I suppose? First Job: helping out at the elementary school; tutoring; babysitting First screen name: ***c19*7 First self-purchased album: Hmm. Hanson or the Spice Girls- those were the days First funeral: Wake- Uncle Pete First pet: Norman First piercing/tattoo: ears First enemy: Nicole was at age 10.. there were probably other, sooner ones.. like Craig First big trip: to NH when I was 7; but before that, we used to go to Disney World all the time- season passes baby First musician you remember hearing in your house: I don't even remember.. Stevie Wonder or Billy Joel? James somebody too, I can't think of his name and I SHOULD know this.. LASTS: Last cigarette: never smoked Last big car ride: Hmm.. I drove to Elizabeth's house on Tuesday! But "big" car ride?.. Hmm.. I guess to Six Flags with Cass and her two friends last summer Last kiss: Eric Last crush: Eric Last library book checked out: something for an English project Last movie seen: American Pie 2- watched it yesterday since Kerrie hadn't ever seen it Last beverage drank: water Last food consumed: chicken Last phone call: Kerrie on Tuesday night Last tv show watched: Ermm.. BMW Last time showered: yesterday Last shoes worn: my old white and blue Converses Last cd played: Evanescence, in my car Last item bought: 2 shirts and a skirt at the mall; a ticket into the rollerskating rink and food there Last annoyance: Almost being grounded Last disappointment: being told I can't go out tonight- but now I can :) Last ice cream eaten: Chunky Monkey, last night, to help my throat feel better Last shirt worn: huge 2001 Champions shirt; navy polar bear shirt ~ So I have to start my diary for English. I'm 3 or 4 entries behind, which isn't like me, especially with an assignment like this. I LOVE writing! What's wrong with me? I just can't seem to make my thoughts move from my mind to my fingertips and out onto actual paper. Maybe it's because once those words are out there, I can't take them back- they become sort of permanent. Plus I need to watch what I say and what I choose to write about so my teacher doesn't think I'm insane. Or call my parents, or something. We also have to include info about the news and stuff too.. anyone have any suggestions of things to include from Feb. 15 and on? I should go start that.. leave something helpful, or just leave something.. all comments are appreciated. :) [qb]

Well this week has basically been hell. I thought I was feeling better so I went to jazz ensemble last not- the the world's greatest idea, since now it hurts to even swallow. I feel like I can barely move today without hurting *something.* But I still went out tonight with 3 of the girls- I had to get out of my house. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, which is fine and dandy for Hallmark and for people who are happy couples, but not me [although I do like the colors associated with it!]. It just makes me think of him and how I wish we were finally together. I've been talking to him a lot more lately- I see him after school and we talk every day for like a half an hour, which is good. I can't get over how adorable he is. When I think about him, I get that nervous/anxious feeling in my stomach, but when we're onne-on-one, that feeling fades away, and I feel comfortable just being myself. Last call, I'm out of time, and I don't got no Valentine That's the song line of my life right now- thanks American Hi-Fi. At least you get it. Well, I'm not too sure what else to say here. Oh, I added a picture to my page- I know you're all thrilled =P and I changed my colors around a little. I'm likin it, I guess that's all that matters. I'm itching to write something new. A song. A poem. A story. Anything! Where's my muse when I need it? Sigh. Leave some inspiration, some writing prompts... anything is appreciated. Sorry this entry doesn't say much, I just felt the need to update. Much <33 [qb]

This is the new & edited version of this entry, as promised. =) It's official. He's absolutely perfect. I didn't even see this whole thing coming a few months ago. I had just recently gotten over someone else and was really hurt by what happened with -that- relationship. I wasn't looking for anything new with anyone else. That was when..he.. happened. Sure, we had been friends for about a year before that. But when I went to Homecoming with him this year, I still didn't see it. I don't know if he did. But I remember saying to him when we were dancing, "This is so great. Everyone is so caught up in so much drama, and for once, I'm not a part of it. I can really just have fun with you, you know?" He's the sweetest guy I've met in years. Here's an example.. One day we were talking, and we talked about how cold it is. He said he was outside playing hockey on a lake after school. I mentioned that I'm scared of the ice, and he asked why, so I told him the story.. and he sympathized. Then he said he's going to teach me how to skate again. How cute is that? He makes me feel better about myself. I feel safe with him. I can be myself around him, and I find that so hard to do around so many people. He's really shy, but he's an amazing person when he opens up to you. There isn't one thing that I don't like about him. He's adorable. He's compassionate, he's funny. Never fails to make me laugh. His eyes are such a deep, pretty blue I could drown in them. He doesn't care that I have a messed up history, but he understands it and helps me through it. He's patient with me. He's been through a lot in the past too. With his dad dying and everything, I don't know how he keeps going and is still such a strong person. But he does, and he is. I look up to him so much. He as a person, I think, has helped me more than I can possibly ever say. He's taught me so much, and he doesn't even realize it. That's one of the reasons I like him so much. He has the most amazing hobbies- everything I've ever wanted in a guy. He snowboards. plays guitar. He's a hockey player. He surfs. He writes. He's amazing. Incredible. How can someone be so perfect and not even realize it? I'm petrified by the fact that I feel what I do. But I'm also so amazingly happy- because I know I can be happy. I'm still terrified of relationships because of my last experience. They scare me. But now I realized that what scares me even more is not being with him. I'm falling so fast for him. And he's the only one I want to catch me.

Hmm. Time to update perhaps? What to write, what to write. It's funny, I always wanted to have a journal that no one I know personally would know about, so I could write absolutely whatever I wanted and no one could say anything to me about it. Now I have one of those- you guys out there are the only ones who know it even exists. And now that I have it, I'm not sure what to write. Do I have anything at all of importance to really say? Maybe this proves that I don't. Or maybe it shows that I have a lot I need to say, but when it comes down to it, I really don't know how. The pressure's off- why can't I just write? I love to do that: freewrite. Ever since I've been old enough to form letters, I've been writing things. Stories, poems, songs, observations (like Harriet the Spy), anything and everything. If I don't write something somewhere for a certain amount of time, I start to feel out of it and almost sick, even. I'm utterly obsessed. But in a terribly fantastic way. So why can't I write now? Stupid writer's block. Well, maybe it isn't writer's block, or any of that. Maybe it's that I know exactly what I need to say, I'm just afraid to truly say it. I think I'm falling in love. And all I want to do is run away from it. I'm absolutely petrified of relationships, because of really bad past experiences, which are still haunting me, and in a way, even live on in the other person's mind. But there'll be more on that later. I think lately I've realized something even more haunting. As scared as I am of really opening up to someone, of trusting someone, of giving myself over to another person completely out of love for a relationship.. I think I am even more afraid of not being with this one.

I'm not even sure what I want to say here. I'm just going to let it flow, straight from my mind to my fingertips. No holding back. So here it goes. I'm so disappointed in myself. I just want to crawl into a hole and curl up and never ever come out again. Ever. Sometimes I think the world would be better that way. You know.. without me around, screwing up people's lives and just getting in the way. I feel like no matter what I do, or how hard I try, it is never enough, it is never good enough. Does anyone else ever get that feeling? I'm starting to feel alone in every aspect of the word. I don't have anyone to care for me. No boyfriend- I messed that up. I keep pushing people away, even when it's what I want to do the least. I can't allow myself to get close to people, and it's killing me. All my close friends are there, sure, but as awful as this sounds, I feel like they're not *really* there sometimes, you know? Like I can only depend on them so much. The only person I feel like I can really trust is myself, and I'm not even sure I know her very well. I can't depend on anyone else. My family expects so much out of me, and I'm constantly letting them down, or so I feel. If they knew half of the things I'm going through, they'd understand, but I can't tell them about all of that because..well, I just can't. I can only let them in so much. Does that make sense? Anyone out there who stumbles across this.. please comment. Say something. Anything. As long as it's real. I need to know that there are people out there. People who can relate on some level, even if I don't know them. Please. Comment. I'm so afraid of being completely alone in the world. I wish I didn't feel like I have to be. [qb]

Hmm. First entry here. Will I tell anyone I have this journal? Probably not. But that's okay, I can write and not worry, I suppose. More to come.. shortly.. [qb]