I talked to my ex today and it wasn't a very pleasant conversation. He started off asking me out again like for a simple date and when i told him I didn't know he went on to tell me how he was going on a date with a girl from work. First thought - What the hell? - Did I say that? NO!!! I just simply told him to have fun. He came off with the statement, "I will have a blast!" OUCH!!! I kinda went off... I didn't think it was fair of him to make a statement like that. ok... I guess for you to understand you would need to know a little background information.... I met him when i was 15, a freshman in high school, and yea he was 17 and a junior in high school. I thought he was cute - blah blah you know the routine boy meets girl yakk yakkk.... anyways we went together for 3 1/2 year... of those year we lived together for 1 and we were engaged for 5 months. I came to the realization that things just weren't the same... we were arguing and fighting all the time, we never listened to each other, and we were stressed. SO I called it quits... we tried again it lasted all of a week then he left me... 3 1/2 months later I gave in and tried again. i saw it wouldn't work - now mind those of you who read this I have 2 jobs and I am currently in 5 college classes which is a total of 17 credit hours. WOW!! I didn't think it was fair for him to be the little puppy on a leash there only to follow me around with his tail between his legs when he has all the time and effort and energy to do something else. I know it should have been his decision but I just couldn't do it. So this is where we are now. Now Back to the Story.... So he makes this last statement and I am like whoa! I felt he was saying something towards the lines of well then to hell with you! I was in total shock! So I confronted him - well said something you can't really confront online (lol) - and he said he didn't mean it that way and that he was only making a comment. He also states that he would love to be with me and to wait for me but that he cannot wait forever. I understand!!! I told him I wanted him to do what he wanted but that his statement didn't sound all to great... Then he left for work... I am not jealous, I am not angered, I am not bedazzled; although, I am feeling a little ackward (as you can tell from my mood thingy). I guess I feel as though I do not know how to take this information that was presented to me. Part of me wants him laying in his own tears pleading with God why he lost me, and then part of me is shocked the he has moved on so quickly, and then there is a part that is like happy he is able to find something in his life that has a possibility of being good. I wish him the best of luck in anything he encounters and only the best of life. AS FOR ME... I work at American Eagle Outfitters - not a prep just like the job (lol) - and I work at a kiosk selling sunglasses in the "summer" months and house shoes in the "Christmas Season" I enjoy them both. I am at IUS studying to be a high school math teacher , I know, What the Hell am I thinking - right? - I don't know! LOL I have an extremely large work load right now with an english class, math class, sociology class, art class, and a biology class with a lab. I don't know what I was thinking there either! lol I think it was somewhere along the lines of I can get into the school of education faster if I take more classes this semester and some in the summer - which should put me ahead of schedule - right? NOT IF I DON'T PASS - AHHHHAHAHAHAH I have been overly exhausted and I want to sleep all the time. I have a friend - an old teacher - that I go and see every so often and that clears me a little but for the m ost part I am bogged down with a lot. I have a brother who is sick that I hardly talk to cause I am busy - does he understand? I don't know he tends to get mad though and then calls and is like, "Since I don't know if you are alive I thought I would call for myself," or "Since you're too good to call us or to stop by." Then I go by and I sit and grovvle at their feet... my mom's the same way, although I can't really give her any credit for anything but teaching me how to move and showing me what NOT to do with my life and the things I have and even with those around me. My dad's an ass... PERIOD. Out of the few that understood me I have one left , my cousin, and the o ther are dead! How great? lol I do have a kitten named sunshine and as soon as I can I will get a pic of her up... and perhaps one of myself. I think I will go now and let this digest in my mind and my soul and let you all that read it (if any?) digest it as well. I'm OUT! Wishin'

testing...... testing....... hello? anyone out there?