Previously mentioned boy has turned into a positive ..boyfriend =) May have managed to throw the last couple weeks away on drugs... Other than the straight week the first time, last night was definitely enough to make me rethink it all. 7 different caps and 2 1/2 snorted parachutes. I was just fuuuuuuucked. Boy passed out early and I had my own adventure, with other friends I randomly found walking the streets. Am currently running a little high on sleep dep. Woo?

Drugs. Alcohol. Drugs in excess. Smokes. Drugs. I'm surprised I haven't died within the past month, given the amount of shit I've put my body through. Drugs. Been fucked over by guys numerous times. Drugs. And all he can say is, "I'm sorry I suck".

I miss Gordon. Who woulda figured that to happen -.- No job. No money. It sucks. 'tis good because it means no drugs. ...in a week and a half *claps for self* Dear Lord.

More boys. Fallen very hard for one and it's no good. At all. Shouldn't happen. Bri died of an overdose early last week. I don't know if it was intentional or not; doesn't matter. Tyler took his life a few days afterwards, as a result. It's funny how things work out; I was supposed to be camping with you guys this weekend. Instead; I'm attending a joint funeral Saturday. ..fuck I love you..

Why can't I stop thinking about you?

I met a boy. He's very.. anti-society, anti-government, what seems to be a true punk. Other than he could be classified as a metalhead. But I love it. We have deep discussions about life, society, humanity, etcetera.. and it's fucking awsome. Just fucking awesome. It's like I've found myself in another person.. except I don't regard them with the same amount of hatred as I do myself. He suffers from a great depression, as I do. But it's wonderful finding someone who understands.. everything. He claims he will always be around; always be here for me no matter what, because he understands in his own way what I've been through. I cannot describe it very well. Typing out the above words was hard enough.

Gordon and I are having this rather.. insightful talk about life and people.. and ..everything. I made the mistake of telling him just how miserable I am and it freaked him out to the extreme.. but whatever.. Things are not overly wonderful. Given, they could definitely be worse. I wish he'd go away. I wish he'd take all his 'friends' with him and fucking go away.. I'm so sick of hearing how I never deserved him.. fuck you all..

Not much is new. Ryan and my one year is on the 25th. Woot. I still miss Jamie.. a lot. Sometimes I kind of forget that she's gone and just wonder why I haven't talked to her for so long.. and then come back to reality and it's like hey, I'm never going to see her again... Been hanging out with Gordon a lot (good English, I know). Developed a kind of love for Pink Floyd. Further fueled my love of A.F.I. Was hospitalized for what; a week? for depression problems and whatnot. Of course they let me out; I was happy there, being away from.. everything. I very muchly missed Ryan, though.. I came home a week and a bit ago and things are just as crappy as before. I still want to kill myself and all of that dramatic, angsty teenager bullshit that is typical within these stupid online journals. Eff.

People are stupid. I just extremely dislike them.

So everything got better for a couple days. And now I'm right back where I started, except 15 days away from the second year without Mark and man that feels fucked up.. I love.. those moods... where you just feel like fucking slitting your wrists. Woe is me and all that pathetic emo bullshit.

Writing in here because.. I don't know. Different people. It's nice to know that for once, not everyone is involved in every little bit of my life. Things are falling apart. Everything's continued to go downhill. I've had the worst time coping with Jamie's death and I can't remember the last time I didn't end up crying myself to sleep, be it because of something Ryan did that hurt so bloody much, because my dad's being an idiot, or for some reason I don't know. I can't even listen to a Box Car Racer song without breaking down.. just so many memories of when we used to sit and talk about how the world was so totally fucked up(I wish I made cures for how people are..).. and just.. anything at all. How we were gonna have this mall with all these ducks because they were fucking awesome. And then I remember the bad things- the dreams, hallucinations... and I can't help but wonder how James is doing. If I'm like this, I can't possibly imagine what he's going through. Andy told me on Monday that I was in love with my sadness. Of course, what was I thinking? I love being miserable and upset and wondering exactly what my final breaking point will be! I feel so utterly alone. And all along I thought I just overanalyzed a little too much, put too much time and though into everything. Apparently, I'm wrong. I just want to know that I'm going to find someone who's not going to leave for whatever reason; be it because I'm so utterly fucked up, or because they just can't handle the events that take place in their own life. Wishful thinkin'.

Yay for writing in here because someone decided to fuck around in my business. Yes it sounds rude and unbelievably bitchy, but I'm so frustrated.. the majority of what I said about Courtney (note: majority. Not all) was discussing what everyone else keeps insisting I do- reconsider our friendship. And so now it's over. The thing that gets to me is her excuse was that people have been telling her things and thus she must snoop around to find 'the real truth' because I'm so fake. Well, no shit. All of this after she full out bitched to me for two hours because we were discussing the lovely gossip at school and she was mad because hey, I DIDN'T ASK HER. kljk;dsao;iuoi;djsaoijdaw Tonight wasn't fully horrible. Ryan came over =) I didn't have the energy to really mood, but he's lovely and just holds me. Sappy, sappy.

It's so nice sitting very still, in a room where no one else can feel the pain that breaks my heart each day, I'm not ok. Sunlight shining through my window, let's me know that I'm still alive Why did I ever let you inside my heart? I'm such a fool. Paint my face in shades of blood and grey and take the seat right next to me But I should've known that you were a killer. But now I'm dead. A gaping hole, shot through my heart A lost connection from your poison dart Shot from your tounge to end my life. But if you're blowing at the fire to light your strife. You'll never know. You'll never know. The hardest thing about dying is, knowing you'll never see the light of day. A gaping hole shot...(shot through my heart) A lost connection from your poison dart. My head now spins and my ears bleed gold. I try so fucking hard, but I can't fit your mold. The hardest thing about dying is, knowing you'll never see the light of day. You ripped my heart out, you tore my eyes out, now you're gonna pay I'll stab you one time. I'll eat your heart out so you feel my pain. Don't you know that I always see you in all of my dreams? I wanna kill you. I wanna kill you. Now I'm insane.

I decided against that mad amount of privacy. I just don't give a fuck anymore. You can be all judgemental and hate me for what I say- I just don't care anymore. Today was the hardest day I've ever had to act my way through. I just wanted to go home, curl up and cry. I don't know where to go from here. It just hurts. This wasn't supposed to happen. 17 songs. One an entry. It seems appropriate to start with the song that really started our friendship.. -- What do I do to ignore them behind me? Do I follow my instincts blindly? Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening? Do I sit here and try to stand it? Or do I try to catch them red-handed? Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness, Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness? Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin I make the right moves but I'm lost within I put on my daily façade but then I just end up getting hurt again By myself I ask why, but in my mind I find I can't rely on myself I can't hold on [To what I want when I'm stretched so thin] It's all too much to take in I can't hold on [To anything watching everything spin] With thoughts of failure sinking in If I turn my back I'm defenseless And to go blindly seems senseless If I hide my pride and let it all go on Then they'll take from me 'till everything is gone If I let them go I'll be outdone But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer By myself How do you think I've lost so much I'm so afraid/ I'm out of touch How do you expect I will know what to do When all I know/ Is what you tell me to Don't you know I can't tell you how to make it go No matter what I do, how hard I try I can't seem to convince myself why I'm stuck on the outside

Miserable. What a word.. This really hurts. This being absolutely everything.. I wish I had the energy to shoot myself -- Aside from that... my accomplishments for today; mother took me 'n Alex to the mall for prescription stuff. And he bought me "Palm Trees and Power Lines" Gotta love him. I also managed to waste all morning and most of the afternoon lying on the floor. Takes too much effort to do much of anything. Sucks for you. Haven't talked to Ryan. I got the impression ("Can we do something Saturday?" "Totally" "During the day?" "Umm not so much.." "Damn") that he's working tonight. Maybe not. Didn't call him 'cause I had the feeling I might freak out about something stupid on dump on him. Now that I think about it, that really shouldn't have mattered. Laaaaaaacking. Maybe I'll see him tomorrow after work. Maybe this, maybe that. Lynae's party is tonight. I'm supposed to go... Tyler threatened to kill me (isn't that lovely..) but with the drinking and the whole addiction thing I'd rather not. We shall see.. Mel's staying the night, either way. We're going to the hospital and whatnot in a bit. Jordan beat her up something awful.. I want to kill that kid... Think happy thoughts. Push away all the pain. Maybe your life will turn out to be worth something. Maybe you'll find 10 seconds of relief. Maybe this, maybe that. It could work. Pretend to be happy long enough and you won't know anything else. Sounds good to me. End with a slightly happy song. "It's a big mistake/ Fifty days/ Three months away/ I'd be laughing today/ But your voice on the phone gives me no reason/ Don't take from me/ My heart is barely beating/ Don't take from me/ I'm falling down/ All I wanna do/ Is lie in bed with you/ All I really ever need is you/ All I gotta do/ Is give up all I have to be with you/ It's a different day/ Fifteen hundred miles away/ Why would you wanna stay?/ So take a look around/ All I wanna do/ To be close to you/ All I wanna do/ To be next to you/ All I want is you/ To give up all we have to be/ I can't remember why I'm here/ If you'd let me spend my life with you" I feel.. high. Hn. Mood swings much? Not so hot. I've almost finished the 17 songs in my LJ...

Have put my livejournal entry in here because the site is.. not working... : I haven't done an actual update for a very long time. It's usually just song lyrics or some random emo one-liner about the boy. So, here's the deal: I've dropped out of school. I may go back next semester, I may not. More than likely the latter. I've put a stop to all medication. That was about a month and a half, maybe two ago. Since, I've done enough drugs to not see any negative effect. Drugs, as of a week and a half ago, are at an end. Friends are complicated. I've lost contact with many over the past few months, as a result of a failure to attend school. I've complicated things with mother, which seems to have resulted me spending most of my time out of the house. And usually at Nadja's. Love the Nadja. And the Mikey. The positives out of everything; having gained two very close friends. Contact is somewhat established with my father. He payed for me to go get a mental check-up to see if I'm able to go get my N (which I'm not; apparently I'm too unstable and still mentally fucked up. This isn't really news). The boy complicates things. We rarely talk. I've messed things up considerably due to a Hallowe'en party incident, but they weren't that great prior to mentioned gathering. Now I just get to hear about how much he talks about me, and have his girlfriend want to hang out because she's curious as to who I am. I've reached an emotional low - I can quite honestly say I don't give a fuck about anything. I've messed up my life considerably by dropping out of school, not coming home, doing drugs in excess, and I still don't care. I don't care about my 'future', because I just don't see one. I'm still hoping one of these days my body will just give up, say 'enough is enough', and I just won't wake up. I'm not happy, I'm not sad. In the past, this was often accompanied by a longing for death, in which I was just so overwhelmed with that feeling - the idea was just stuck in my head like a bad song and wouldn't get the fuck out - that I'd lay in bed for weeks and weeks. I do things without thinking, I hurt people and I just don't care. I don't think you could ever possibly understand that- I just don't care. At all. It's not in a mean way, but like I have no conscience. I don't think about things like I used to. And by that, I mean I used to have this overwhelmingly large number of thoughts going through my head at any given point and they were so random and so confusing, I'd pray to just have one day of relief. That day came. I used to not speak for fear of what would come out, now I don't speak because I have nothing to say. Not a single thought in my head. This is one of the rare occasions when I have something to put out, and even now I'm just typing, doing so without actually thinking prior. Maybe I was fucked up to begin with, maybe this is what normal people do. Or maybe I really have pushed myself over the edge. I remind myself of so many people - those I promised myself I'd never become. Or lived in fear of becoming. The only emotions I ever feel are anger, bitterness and resentment. There's a lot of hatred there, hey? Yeah, just a little bit... Yeah, now I really don't know. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? I have a Paul. He came back to see me, and has stayed in Nanaimo since. He's sweet, and listens to rants such as this. Kind of like the boy used to do... Back to the old ways - insomnia fills my nights. I just lay there and stare at the wall across from my wall, for hours upon hours, until daylight comes. I lose track of the time, because I'm not thrinking about anything. It's kind of like a routine now. I've broken myself I've broken - I'm still breaking - cracked and wrecked beyond repair... I miss you so far. And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard.. I miss Mark terribly. I don't know why I've been thinking about him so much lately. This time of year has absolutely no importance or significance. Other than it's three months prior to his suicide. That's odd. I kind of... totally broke down after that, but seemed to be able to feel and somewhat fix myself. I was okay this summer- for the first time in a long while I was actually OKAY. And now.. there's no fixing this mess. I mean, honestly now kiddies. What's gonna happen? Can someone tell me that? The lyric; I don't cry how you cry, there's nothing left in me... ...has taken on a whole new meaning

I feel sick. When don't I feel sick. I have a doctor's appointment in 10 minutes or so. Joy to the fucking WORLD. I treat Ryan horribly. Everything always fucks up. I thought he was going to break up with me this morning.. the whole "Can we go somewhere? I need to talk to you.." Ugh... it wasn't anything horrible. He just wants to know what's going on. I don't even know what the fuck's going on nevermind trying to explain it to him. I'm pretty sure I blew my English and Biology tests. Lunch, Ryan and I sat outside. Shaking Brisk bottles is more fun than you'd think!! It gets all foamy and gross looking. Great. CAPP was gay. We have to do a stupid sheet on how we look at ourselves, what we think.. and self esteem and whatnot. I'm going to fail that class. Because the work is stupid and the teacher should be shot. Jax and I went up to the library to edit our tape and eat M&M's.. it was a joyous occasion? When we got back, we got a massive lecture on how God is not a part of anything. All because Megan said "My God, what the hell.." Hung around the bus stop with Ryan after school and rode the bus with him to Country Club... guh I feel horrible because we can't get together tonight. But tomorrow! =) Except I really wanted him to go to Lindsay's... I haven't talked to Courtney all day, save for when she bitched because I'm not working tonight so she has to do prep with Asia ALONE. And yet she's not working next week so the situation's massively reversed. Guh. It won't be long until you're gone into the night. You won't have to paint my face with coverup.

I got to see Ryaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan last night =) It was...different. Sitting in the park, talking about dark and rainy planets... lead into this whole "Pluto is not a planet! It's moon is not a moon!" and so on. It was rather amusing... And then sex in the bathroom at 7-11.. behind BUILDINGS.. frogs and ragdolls... I hate having to come home.

I get to see Ryan tonight =) I'm not even going to mention the fact that he's not staying at Lindsay's party... ............ It's supposed to rain from Tuesday to Saturday. Wonderful! Mother's finishing moving out today/tomorrow.... joy. It's like a damn reunion over here. There's too many people and it's starting to irritate me (but doesn't everything?). There's even more coming later. Woo.. But at least I work tomorrow. At least? You know things are bad when..

Maybe I didn't have a thing left to say. I bottled it far away. Maybe I tried too hard to find someone to blame. Maybe it's me who changed. And now I'm left with nothing again. So what if I lost everything? Would you want me if I was a failure? -- Well! So. Did work stuff for Ron today. It wasn't very interesting. Just lots and lots of old people = Hung out with Courtney and Elyse for a bit... which was interesting. There's a shitload of new people at Timmies. Which isn't so cool. And sad that we can tell. Went out for dinner with the parentals and Aynsley & Jaro. Why? I really don't know. It wasn't cool. Went to see "The Village" with Ryan... it was a super movie. He jumped more than I did, 'cause he's extremely womanly =P More so than I am. Scary, I KNOW. Mmmn tooked the bus back to Aynsley's. I'm staying the night here ..just 'cos. And Rayce was on le b00s. It was all "MandaIheartyouRAPE" *twitch* He was a bit drunk. If by bit you mean totally smashed, then just a bit. -- So what if I lost everything? Would you be there even when I am gone? Maybe I didn't seem to give everything away, not because I needed you to stay. And I couldn't face the fears I left far behind. I tried to answer every question to why I'm left with nothing again.