So, as the title states, 2010 has not been a good year for me so far. Corey & I have broken up 3 times this year.. Each time he had the same "reason".. Which was "I just dont wanna be in a relationship right now, but I love you, & Im in love with you.".. So, we broke up for the first time in February, we were broken up for 2 weeks, then, we got back together, mainly because I begged him, so I guess that time doesnt really count. Then, we broke up again sometime in March. Stayed broken up for a week & a half, he came back to me, saying he's sorry, he missed me & he didnt know why he broke up with me. Then, we broke up again at the end of July... Same thing, stayed broken up for a week & a half, & then he wanted to get back together. Of course, everytime he wanted to get back together, I took him back because I love him.. & as of now, we've been back together since the beginning of August. We've actually been doing really good. But Im still out of work, been that way since April.. I've been trying to find a job, but no one will hire me & Im not sure why... I know that we have been having money problems, but as far as I can tell, it hasnt affected our relationship. That makes me happy. I just dont know how Corey feels about it. Everytime we get back together, we have plans to get married, but then, he breaks up with me again. We have plans to get married now also, he's supposed to be getting me an engagement ring for Christmas, & we're supposed to get married soon after that. Im real excited about marrying Corey, but Idk if he's gonna change his mind again & break up with me.. I hope not.. But, if he breaks up with me again, Im not taking him back.. Idk.. I just wish I didnt have doubts about how he feels about me. I mean, I know he loves me, I just wish he'd stop breaking up with me & then saying he wants to be back with me.. I just hope everything work out.

ugh. where do i begin. do you ever feel trapped? like you're caught up in something & there's no way out of it without someone getting hurt? do you ever feel like you have plenty of people to talk to, to vent to, but they really dont understand whats going on inside your head.. i feel that way, and it sucks. some people say that after a certain amount of time passes, its too late to bring up past events. but the way i see it, if you know in your heart that the issue was never really & truly resolved, then it isn't too late. it just seems like, no matter how many times you beg for it, even though you may not want to hear the answer you may get, people just wont tell the whole truth. for some reason, everyone feels the need to lie. and i dont understand that. i guess i never will. i am a very forgiving person, believe it or not, and i would love to get past this shit. its kind of hard though when you know that the whole truth never came out. and i feel like i will never hear the answer im looking for. some people think i want to hear the "truth" because i just want out. and honestly, i dont know for sure if thats the case. isnt that messed up? i dont even know what i want. on one hand, i would love to work it out. but on the other hand, i dont know if i would be able to after hearing the truth. granted, it has been a year & a half since everything happened. but that doesnt change the fact that im not an idiot! everyone knows that something went down, besides talking, myself included! this is just me but, i would never put my relationship on the line like that if i were just talking to someone about stupid shit. it would have to be for a damn good reason. but also, i wouldnt do it PERIOD!! its wrong. but i guess there are some people who just dont know the difference between right & wrong. & there are some people who want what everyone else has. & it makes me sick to my stomach. because even though a lot of time has passed, & i've tried & tried my hardest to move past the whole situation, i just cant. i dont think i will be able to until i get the truth. it just doesnt seem like that will ever happen. therefore; im not exactly sure how much longer i can keep this up. it sucks, being in this position. & you can tell me that you know how i feel all you want to, but you have no clue. this is a tough situation to be in. because i dont want to end my relationship & then later on find out that nothing really happened. but also, i dont wanna be sitting on my front porch a few years from now & then hear him say "by the way, we did more than just talk that day." so this is a tough spot to be in. & there's no help. & seems like, there's no way out of it.