I enjoy drugs, recreationally. I've never enjoyed marijuana, as it does little for me. I sit, and I stare, and I think, which intimidates people around me because of the quiet intensity of my gaze. Alcohol is a dear friend, however, and she and I spend many nights together, enjoying the company and complexities of one another. Opiates and muscle relaxers are also enjoyable, from time to time. Only in doses, though.

Another of my favorite drugs? The ever-potent, vibrant complacency obtained by getting what I want. The warmth that seeps through my entire body as a well played plan comes to fruition is almost my favorite drug.

The extent of my range of emotion consists of the following: anger, disgust, hate, contempt, lust. Confidence, pride, contentment. Broken down into the core fundamentals, I suppose that means I feel anger, lust, and contentment. Not a vast ocean of things to pull on to experience an occasion, but enough to see me through a day.

With that said, there are no people in my life that do not benefit me in some way. I explained my range of emotions to better help one understand this concept--- I do not need friends, or loved ones. Normal humans, to me, are no more than entertainment at best. The rest of them? The reasons vary, from transportation to financial aid, to appeasing my lust. Some people, I simply 'befriend' to cause distress to someone they know that I dislike. To someone they know that dislikes me.

When I was younger, in my teenage years, I found myself often surrounding myself with the strays of society, the outcasts of the public school system. The awkward, socially inept or angry, dark and oppressive that fit no niche until I carved one for them. Their pain, and their hunger for acceptance, for a pack, interested me. Their jagged edges, the rugged tears in the fibers of their being were sources of entertainment for days, weeks, months... even years in some cases.

When I say entertainment, I suppose that paints my behavior in a negative light. Fair enough of an accusation, I admit, but at the same time, consider this. I gave them a place, where before me they had nothing. I gave them someone to admire, someone to relate to, and I put them together and gave them more. True, I did this to have my own following, to appease my ego and provide a means to scratch the itch of my perpetual boredom throughout high school, but at the same time, I left them better than I found them.

Some have argued that point in defense of my humanity, argued that perhaps beneath the depravity and the apathy lies some buried pool of compassion and empathy. I don't agree, but in some ways I believe that their opinions and arguments in the defense of some hidden, lurking super-ego (Thank you, Freud) that has brought me here. Albeit this is a small, simple gesture towards exploring the confines of both my glove and of my monster, it is still a gesture.

But I digress--- back to the point. I have 'friends' of every size, shape, breed, and texture. Much like some women have closets full of shoes to go with any number of outfits or occasions, I collect acquaintances and friends. If I must get physical with someone, for whatever reason, I have the appropriate intimidating, inked, muscular companions to instill an acceptable amount of menace. (However, and this is the simple truth of the matter, often I can "fell a foe with my gaze," -thank you Blue Foundation) I have intelligent, philosophical friends for when I feel like exploring my own perceptions of societal boundaries and political or religious theologies, and I have adulterous, 'slutty' acquaintances, though not for myself. They are tools that I use occasionally to get information, to get me discounts on products or on services I need rendered. (Both legal and illegal)

The definition of friendship is not one I can truly conceptualize. The very thought of having someone in your life simply because you enjoy their presence? Because they make you feel 'better" is ... curious. It is a novel thing, and I would imagine if I could feel that, I would very much resemble Jack on his first visit to Christmas Town. However, given that friendship is beyond me, I will continue.

Let me paint you a picture of myself, of my life. I live in an apartment, with two women. They are sisters, and they belong to me. I would kill anyone who hurt them, because they are mine. I have two cats, one I strongly dislike, and one that amuses me. I own reptiles and arachnids. I play video games, I visit my grandparents. I spend time with my mother, and I avoid my sister to spare my mother's feelings. I don't spare her feelings out of any compassion: I spare her feelings because if my mother is happy, she provides things for me. Money, food, things of that nature. I toy with letting my father earn my 'forgiveness,' but it is an elusive catch for him, and every time he comes close, he damns himself and burns another bridge. (In his defense, I make flimsy, flammable bridges as I enjoy him failing) I exercise, I spend time with my girls. I play video games with my uncle and my 'friends.'

I have two male 'friends' that I do not use or manipulate often. They hold this high, prestigious position in my life because they demonstrated admirable amounts of loyalty, intelligence, and cunning without my prodding, in my favor. One helped me with my business and income, amongst other things. The other invited me to party as a stranger, and when things almost came to blows between myself and one of his friends, he sided with me, and has since then grown to be a sort of side project of mine. He is the aforementioned 'best friend' that might be dying, for those of you who were curious.

Soon, I will add work into my routine of video gaming and socialization/parties. Extra finances means more entertainment, and given the fact that I could very well have a house in the next year or so rather than this apartment, it seems to almost be a necessity to get references and a source of income that is both legal and documented.

Of all the drugs, and sources of entertainment I've listed so far, I have neglected to mention my favorite drug of all. She is that exquisite, dangerous thing I've not talked about in depth with anyone. My secret, could it be the same as hers?