Hello, dark muse. I was not aware you prowled here, but with that knowledge, it expands the depths of my depravity that I am willing to share, and enables me a more eloquent hand in my navigations through my psyche. I must admit, I am amused with you. I did not know you even knew this existed, much less that you would read this one's secret probe into the soul of what we are... wolves in the skin of man. I hope it sheds some light, and lets us speak in ways that we otherwise would have difficulty sharing.
To quote a song that amuses me, "This mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit." Honestly, how long can one maintain the same visage, without scorn, without disdain? I marvel at the humans, who use their fallacy of love to glue themselves to one another, to themselves. Try to understand, that while I marvel at the psychological ability to create an emotion, especially the illusion of love, I do not envy it. I do not long for it. The ease at which I manipulate my 'loved' ones would stun most of you, would leave you awestruck. As a male, the simple task of bringing tears to my eyes is enough to reduce most of my family into mother hens, desperate to make things right in my life.
Anyway. I digress. I have accepted the decision to lance the festering sore that has been a thorn in my side for years. I spent four years with someone. I learned so many critical components to a relationship, learned so many things. I can say with confidence that I have become much more talented in concealing myself, and that I am a better monster than I have ever been before. Four years of her life, spent on an investment into a future with a sociopath. I will never know the sting of remorse, or the aches of a broken heart. I will never know anything more than the contentment I feel after I destroy something, after I apply myself and accomplish one nefarious end or another. I do think I will miss some parts of the relationship, but it is certainly time for this one to end. I had enough respect for her, not to warp her mind. To twist her into my loving, doting puppet. She was special, and she always will be, I think. But she is not meant to be mine. Or rather, I am no longer interested in her being mine.
The only part that irritates me, honestly, is that I will have the same financial duress I've had the past months. The reason I got a job was to overcome that, and now it is the issue once more. And I also dislike the damage losing her will do to my family. They cared about her. And now I have to put out those fires. I also have yet to decide which approach I intend to take to put out those fires. Obviously I will not allow myself to become the heartless, adulterous bastard. That is not beneficial to my life at all, and thus rules out the truth as an option. I will take partial responsibility, and blame myself of course, a little martyrdom never hurt any cause. Except for the ones where they blow themselves up.
On the bright side, life goes on. I don't have downtime, because I am, as you well know, a heartless mutation with no morals. My biggest problem now, is figuring out what mask to don next. There is much work to be done, but I've got all the time in the world.
"I'm sorry for the demon I've become... you should be sorry for the angel you are not. I apologize for the cruel things that I did. But I don't regret one single word I said. Just walk away, make it easy on yourself. Just walk away, please release me from this hell. Just walk away, there's just nothing left to feel. Just walk away, pretend none of this is real. Could you forgive me if I told you that I cared? Please forgive me for laughing when you'd fall, I'm so sorry but I never cared at all."