i hate living with him, and his family, i hate the fact that i care about him so much more than he cares for me. "i don't have to talk to you EVERY day" well y'know what michael, we've seen each other every day for like 6 months now, i'm sorry that when i feel like talking to somebody, it's usually him... fuck you, i don't care anymore. I'm going to get a job, then an apartment... then maybe a new boyfriend... how does that sound michael? nobody to but up with your shit anymore... nobody to let you treat them like shit, just because you had a bad day... nobody to push around because you can't control your temper. fuck you. your worse than my dad... you made me believe that you would never hurt me, you would never do that to me, you would never be like him... you lied... you've ruined my life. and i know that my life isn't entirely michaels fault, in fact it's mostly mine, for loving such an ass... and believing that he will make everything better... he made nothing better... he made it worse. its also my fault for moving out of my parents house... i should have just sucked it up, and then went to college... instead of starting now... no matter, i'm getting back on the right track... the one that leads to college... and a happy life... possibly without michael. i love him so much, i care for him more than anybody could believe... but i just can't take living here anymore... he takes away my will to live, my enthusiasm for life... he takes away all of my ambition... he just sucks it out of me. I hate not wanting to live... it's such a lame feeling... i hate people who talk about wanting to die... i hate them... y'know the people, the slit your wrists kind of thing... "i hate the world" "nobody understands me"... "i wear black clothes to show everybody that i'm depressed...." UGH! i also hate listening to my friends talk about how they tried to kill themselves.... it's stupid... it's lame... everytime i have somebody talking about suicide i just turn my ears off... b/c most of the time it has nothing to do with being depressed, or having a terribile life, it's just because they aren't getting enough attention just being themselves... it's pathetic... and now i'm one of them. i hate life... y'know what... NO, i don't hate life... i just hate life with michael right now. you want to know what i really hate?? the fact that i'm 18, i've been with the same guy since i was 15, and i'm supposed to marry him. i'm supposed to marry the first real boyfriend i've ever had. I don't want to... not that i don't ever want to marry michael... (i dunno, maybe i don't) i'm just saying i don't want to get married before i've had a life... not saying that i want to be a whore... i just want the ability to date around for a while. i want the freedom to do what ever i want to! without feeling guilty. but here's my double standard... i really really REALLY don't want michael to. because i know exactly who'd he go to... and that would just make EVERYTHING worse... ugh... thanks for reading my little rant that probably makes no sense... i don't care... it made me feel much better.

so i saw a girl i used to work with on saturday, it was so weird.... her name's krissy, and she's changed SO MUCH!!!! she used to be like this teeny tiny little (almost preppy) girl who, just would NEVER say anything remotely offensive! oh my gosh, it was sooo cool seeing her again, i just couldn't believe it! she'd had a few in her so she was all, fuck this fuck that, i hate girls... girls are such bitches... it was so funny, and she kept going on about how i used to be blonde... and how cute clayton and toni are together...and that she hopes toni doesn't hate her (b/c she thought that toni would be mad b/c he was hanging out with her earlier that night) then, i tried to call sarah wilson, but toni thought i said sara korican, and she was like ... you're calling sara korican...(b/c sara and i really don't talk...lol) and then Krissy was all like "you guys know sara korican?!?!" then we talked about how great sara and lindsay were for like half an hour... mostly lindsay.... 'cus she's awesome!!!!! wink wink.... lol so yeah, she invited us to a party this thursday, and want's us to come to club spice... i hear that the club really sucks, but w/ toni and krissy... and me of course... we'll make it fun! oh yeah... if your reading this lindsay, you'd better be coming too! b/c i'm sure that krissy invited you

brought some of my old thoughts, and ideas from my other diary... MY DEBUT this one is made of instruments, like a trumpet and a tuba, and a drum... that kind of stuff... I have a lot of sheet music on it also... and a stand... it's kinda cool... i guess BUST this piece is made entirely of film cassetts and it's just going to be a bust... and I'm just going to use myself as the model... that's basicaly it. GEORGE. AND THE GREAT ESCAPE these two pieces are sculptures... George is kind of a self portrait type sculpture, which was done entirely w/transparent scotch tape... how's that for innovative! lol it's basically me crawling out of a wall... it has a hidden meaning that I don't really feal like getting into right this second, but... yeah and with the great escape, I want to make a bunch of different figures, using lots of different models... made of a bunch of different kinds of tapes... and I want them to be coming out of windows... and crawling around and stuff... OIL PAINTINGS these two will be landscapes... done w/oils... The titles are playing off of Monty Python's holy grail majig w/the knights who say "NI" and what not... you'll get it if you've seen the movie... lol Shrubbery will be focused on two bushes... and in the background I want to have a small like... little ranch style house... but the painting w/have a lot of depth of field... so the house will be very blurry, just as everything else leading up to it, besides the two main bushes... NI!!! will just be a cropped in oil painting of a bush... or two... NIGHT MOVES a fallow up water color to eternal dance... this time I'm not even sure if the body will be visible... maybe just the girls hair... just to keep the viewer guessing. The Cradle Will Rock just thought of a new painting, maybe water color... of a woman walking against the wind, in a snow storm... at night, in a big olden-days hoop skirt... y'know what I mean... like Bonnet, and bodice... and corset and everything... just walking against the wind during a snow storm, at night... I want to call it The Cradle Will Rock... because when I think of wind I think of Rock-a-bye baby, and when the wind blows the cradle will rock...get it? I was thinking of maybe calling it When the Bow Breaks... but it just doesn't have that ring to it... ETERNAL DANCE I'm just now finishing up a water color painting that I've done of a girl who's drowned in an ocean... the thing is that you can't really tell that it's a girl's body floating there... because she's so far in the distance... and I made her ver abstract. I don't think that I want people to know what it really is... I'm afraid of what they may think of me if they realize the morbid things that go on in my head. DIAPHANOUS so i've decided to do a new painting series called diaphanous (which would be where my screen name came from... because I haven't been able to get the concept off my mind since I first thought of it) it involves three or four very graphic paintings of a young girl with anorexia. Each one will be very cropped in close... and I wan to use very vibrant, beautiful colors... to draw the viewer in. i want the paintings to seem almost abstract at first glance. I want the bright colors to catch the viewers eye, (which also means that I'm going to have to work very hard at both making it attractive to the eye, and compositionally sound)...and then I think I want the viewer to be... disturbed once they realize what the painting is really about. That way not only is it a beautiful painting, but also... I guess just get's people thinking... I dunno, I guess lately I've just kind of had an obsession with people with eating disorders... maybe it's because so many people have accused me of having one!!! LoL

stupid little sketch for a piece that i've been wanting to do for like a year.... it took like 2 seconds... i just needed to finally document the idea... when i scanned it, i inverted the colors, to see if i'd like it mostly black instead... i'm still not sure which way i like

so yeah... i'm watching harvey birdman for the second time tonight... ugh... my life is boring...lol actually last night was effing crazy fun. we went to a bonfire... then bowling... then to another bonfire and had a few drinks... normally I can't stand doing shit games like bowling... but it was great last night, 'cus rich and josh were pretty drunk...lol, I taugh rich this thing that michaels cousin chad taught me, called the "porn star stance" and we had him doing it all night. it's just great to see this buff macho marine drunk, and thrusting with one hand on his ass and the other out in front of him...lol and toni and i were loud... and jumping and danceing all over the place. you don't KNOW, how pissed off the old people were getting at me... 'cus i was singing to the crappy music they were playing, and I have a terrible high-pitched whiney voice LOL it was great... G R E A T

When I tell you that I love you Don't test my love Accept my love don't test my love Cause maybe I don't love you all that much Don't ask what kind of music I'm gonna play tonight Just stay awhile Hear for yourself awhile And if you must put me in a box Make sure it's a big box With lots of windows And a door to walk through And a nice high chimney So we can burn burn burn Everything that we don't like And watch the ashes Fly up to Heaven Maybe all the way to India I'd like that All the ancient kings came to my door They said, "Do you want to be an ancient king too?" I said, "Oh yes, very much But I think my timing's wrong" They said, "Time is relative Or did you misread Einstien?" I said, "Do you really mean it?" They said, "What do you think we come here for Our goddamn health or something?" Everybody's waiting for the messiah The Jews are waiting The Christians are waiting Also the Muslims It's like everybody's waiting They've been waiting a long time I know how I hate to wait Like even for a bus or something An important phone call So I can imagine How darned impatient Everybody must be getting So I think it's time now Time to reveal myself I am the Messiah I am the Messiah I am the Messiah Yes, I think you heard me right I am the Messiah I was gonna wait till next year Build up the suspense a little Make it a really big surprise But I could not resist It's like when you got a really big secret You're just bursting to tell someone It was kinda like that with this And now that I've told you I feel this great weight lifted Dr. Nusbaum was right He's my therapist He said get it out in the open I spent ten whole days in Jerusalem Mmmm Jerusalem Sweet Jerusalem And all I ate was olives Nothing but olives Mountains of olives It was a good ten days I like olives I like you too So when I tell you that I love you Don't test my love Accept my love Don't test my love 'Cause maybe I don't love you all that much this guy is wonderful... beautimus! I love him... lol

this is a painting inspired by my boyfriend, michael, a car accident we were in last winter, and the doctors' orders that he didn't listen to.

ok... well i decided to take y'all on a safari... lol so yeah, these are pictures I took on vacation last spring... w/a shit camera... i'm gonna have to say though... they didn't turn out oo bad... lol... here they are. peeking through the leaves. waterfall sticks floating in the water.

these are experiments with photo paper, and printing/developing chemicals... I'm really into abstract stuff right now... and I really enjoy making these... they take time if you really want to make them look right. You have to have just the right amount of exposure, and get the right way of putting the dektol and stopbath on the paper... then you have to put it in fixer at just the right time, so you can keep the piece from browning anymore... it's a very touch process.

Ok, so this is a new diary... I think i'm just going to use this one for images... of myself... and maybe some art work... i dunno...