i hate living with him, and his family, i hate the fact that i care about him so much more than he cares for me. "i don't have to talk to you EVERY day" well y'know what michael, we've seen each other every day for like 6 months now, i'm sorry that when i feel like talking to somebody, it's usually him... fuck you, i don't care anymore. I'm going to get a job, then an apartment... then maybe a new boyfriend... how does that sound michael? nobody to but up with your shit anymore... nobody to let you treat them like shit, just because you had a bad day... nobody to push around because you can't control your temper. fuck you. your worse than my dad... you made me believe that you would never hurt me, you would never do that to me, you would never be like him... you lied... you've ruined my life. and i know that my life isn't entirely michaels fault, in fact it's mostly mine, for loving such an ass... and believing that he will make everything better... he made nothing better... he made it worse. its also my fault for moving out of my parents house... i should have just sucked it up, and then went to college... instead of starting now... no matter, i'm getting back on the right track... the one that leads to college... and a happy life... possibly without michael. i love him so much, i care for him more than anybody could believe... but i just can't take living here anymore... he takes away my will to live, my enthusiasm for life... he takes away all of my ambition... he just sucks it out of me. I hate not wanting to live... it's such a lame feeling... i hate people who talk about wanting to die... i hate them... y'know the people, the slit your wrists kind of thing... "i hate the world" "nobody understands me"... "i wear black clothes to show everybody that i'm depressed...." UGH! i also hate listening to my friends talk about how they tried to kill themselves.... it's stupid... it's lame... everytime i have somebody talking about suicide i just turn my ears off... b/c most of the time it has nothing to do with being depressed, or having a terribile life, it's just because they aren't getting enough attention just being themselves... it's pathetic... and now i'm one of them. i hate life... y'know what... NO, i don't hate life... i just hate life with michael right now. you want to know what i really hate?? the fact that i'm 18, i've been with the same guy since i was 15, and i'm supposed to marry him. i'm supposed to marry the first real boyfriend i've ever had. I don't want to... not that i don't ever want to marry michael... (i dunno, maybe i don't) i'm just saying i don't want to get married before i've had a life... not saying that i want to be a whore... i just want the ability to date around for a while. i want the freedom to do what ever i want to! without feeling guilty. but here's my double standard... i really really REALLY don't want michael to. because i know exactly who'd he go to... and that would just make EVERYTHING worse... ugh... thanks for reading my little rant that probably makes no sense... i don't care... it made me feel much better.