Starting off with random facts:

131 days until graduation.

Food Network is back on my television. success.

So, with 131 more days left in my senior year, the countdown to the end begins I suppose. A lot of memories have piled up over the years and most importantly people. So I guess in my 131 days I'll tackle some things and we shall see where we'll go when the 131 days are over now won't we?

Today, I had a very enlightening talk with my friend and I caught myself saying, "it's better to know you can love and fail then to never know love at all." Sadly I've come to realize, I fall in the "never know love" catagory. Yes, I am aware that I'm still young and have the potential to know love, but still why haven't I ever really been fully able to love someone? Boys and relationships aside, love has never ever been a part of my vocabulary concerning myself as awkward and somewhat shameful as that sounds. Truthfully, I've grown accustomed to pushing people away before anything like "love" every really began. I've always been good at that, pushing people away I mean. It's always so much easier to push people away than to open myself up fully because I know when I open up, there is more of an opportunity for me to be hurt. Being hurt, has always been one of my biggest fears. I've always feared that I wouldn't be able to recover. Considering my past, the recovery stages have never really been my finest moments, often times resorting to means that people really wouldn't expect coming from me. Surprise! Self mutilation and drugs are not too far off if you're trying to guess. Back in the day, when things went completely wrong, or went wrong in my mind, I always resorted to that. As corney as it sounds, I'm happy I found my art again. Someone once reffered to it as being attractive that I work towards what I want to do in art, well that would be the back story to that. I work towards art because it works for me. It works against my demons if you will, but I digress.

I guess, I really just fear that whole state of being vulnerable. That idea that if I really let myself love someone, I might end up in the same position as I was before. Slip like sand through the fingers of art and fall back to the absolute bottom. I know I ought to give my will power a little more credit, but it's always a thought that crosses my mind. Honestly, I don't want to die alone either. I see family members living on their own, by themselves in some far away state. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to wake up every morning to an empty sterile apartment. The fact that people say I resemble said member upsets me. It's like, what is worse, being hurt or being alone? I don't know. All that's clear is, I need to stop pushing people away. I always push people away, no matter how good or bad it is. I some how always find a way to make myself dislike someone, even for the stupidest reasons no matter how much losing them really bothers me. I've done it with everyone besides for a few exceptions. I've even pushed away some people who could have been a really great friend. Number 1 and one of my biggest regrets friendship wise.

James, if you ever see this, I'm sorry. I may never have the guts to say this in person, but you were actually good for me, no matter what anyone says. I may have even started to like you then, and I swiftly pushed you away. I admit it. Even though I've never tell anyone, when I see you, I sometimes ask myself 'what if,' but I know it's too late now. I lied when I said you didn't matter. I feel absolutely horrible about it now. I just want you to know, that you did matter, you mattered a lot to me. You actually legitimately cared about me and I feel like an absolute piece of shit for ignoring you. I know it's probably too late for us to be even friends at this point but I really thank you for being there for me, even when I pushed. I know I became too much for you. I understand completely why you gave up and I realize it was a foolish and selfish thing for me to do. I would have given up on me too. I wish you with all my heart the best of luck in everything and I truly miss what we had.