Hilarious. </sarcasm> And true.

I'd much rather pray with you in bed than have sexy times with you in bed. I'd much rather brush my teeth with you in the shower than have sexy times with you in the shower. ... But with you, I get both. So how can I complain? :] #whalepair #happiness

-in bed- Me: Does it feel good...? Him: -eyes hooded- ...I love you -- Me: -slaps in the face- Fuck you. -slaps again- I could fucking rip off your face right now. -wrestles out of embrace in anger- Him: No wait-- -tightens embrace before finally giving up- aggh -- that’s not what I meant -- Me: Shut the fuck up. -curls into a ball, turned away in silent tears- -a moment of silence passes- -he takes a breath- -moves closer and embraces- Him: -whispering into ear- I’m sorry. -sigh- I shouldn’t have said it like that -- I’m an asshole. Fuck. I’m so sorry. Me: -deep breath, holding back sobs- -avoids gaze, but grabs his hair to turn his head- -whispers into ear- Kevin... -voice shaking- I love you... but if you can’t say it to my face, then don’t fucking say it when I’m giving you head. Him: I’m sorry..... Gah, that’s not what I meant..... >__________<. -regretful sigh- -then, slowly and sincerely- ... You do know that I love you, right? Me: -voice cracking- Sometimes, I don’t know. -starts crying- -takes a breath- ... But... you don’t have to say it to me... I mean, for the past month... you’ve been showing it. And I’ve been soo happy.... -tears of happiness- ... I do know now. I do know now. ... Me: It's just that... I can't remember the last time you said it to me. -holding back tears- And I don't want to remember it now as the first time I gave you head.... -takes a breath- You know, if I didn’t believe I know you so well, I would feel like complete shit right now. ... Me: You understand where I’m coming from though, right? I mean, when I do something new, I’m fragile. Veryy fragile. That’s all. I’ll be fine. Him: -sincerely- I’m so sorry. Me: I know. It’s okay. Him: No, it's not okay =/. Me: It will be. Don't worry. ... Me: You know, I’m much stronger than this. But that’s what Love does. YOU make me weak. But at the same time, Love can make you very, very strong..... It's amazing... and strange. ... Me: -looking into his eyes- I've given you too many firsts. Him: -breaks eye contact, sighs with regret- Me: -guides eyes back with a gentle finger under his chin- Wait, what are you thinking right now? Him: -no answer- Me: ...Are you sad? Him: ...Yes. Me: Don't be. It's not really a bad thing.... -thinks- It just means that... hm... that you have a lot of responsibility now, you know what I mean? -looks deeply into his eyes- I trust you. I'm only doing these things because I'm with you, okay? I don't regret anything. Him: -gentle smile- ... Me: I don’t want to give you any more reasons not to be in this relationship, okay? YOU deserve ME. I deserve YOU. We deserve each other. Don’t think anything else, because it’s not true. Him: -gives a small smile of acceptance- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -sigh.- Man, the things that happen in the latest hours of the night, the things that take sleep away and replace it with memories of growth and pain and new awareness. Another thing that I didn't write about was our "break" that came a bit after six months -- which ultimately led to our renewal. Thank God for those such times of brokenness that in the end lead to an even more aware sense of completion and strength. ... outside by the lake, looking at the unperturbed surface that reflected back the stars from the clear night sky, the air brisk and getting colder, sometime between three and four in the morning ... -picking me up and standing while cradling me in his arms, swaying peacefully- Him: What was it again? Oh — ‘And when there was only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.'

I never will understand why we haven't yet broken up. lol. #texting 12:55 AM. Do you have an early class tomorrow? Do you mind if we took a walk outside? Meet up at the entrance of Greiner at 1:30? 1:07. I'm meaning a walk at 1:30 AM today in half an hour.... If you are asleep, I'm guilty and sorry because I wanted to talk tonight. My parents left around 11:30 and I've been jumping around doing so much shit.... I'm sorry if I'm too late and you're sleeping. 1:10. Ahhh yes yes, no, no need to apologize. I'll meet you there. Thank you, Lord, for giving us your consent to go on. lol. I don't know how you to do it, I don't know how we're still together, but indeed... we are. And finally, finally... I believe we're on the same page. #completion

"When you're screwing up, and nobody's saying anything to you anymore, that means they gave up." -- Randy Pausch, Last Lecture: Achieving Your Childhood Dreams You and I? We're there. The fact that we're not talking right now tells me that we're there. I don't know how Sunday night is going to go. I really don't. I have no idea what I'm going to say, what you're going to say, how you're going to feel, how I'm going to feel, if I'm going to cry, or if I'm going to laugh -- because sometimes when we have these serious talks, I can't help but laugh and smile, even though I know that I'm going to cry later. But I know that the more you ground yourself in the mindset you have all over your Tumblr right now... the more I know that I am more likely to give up on this relationship. I stand by what Gina texted me. "[Paulina] and you both put your bfs first but they put school above the relationship. And family too. So you guys want the affection that you give but their hearts are divided so you can only feel so much love from them. I understand what Kevin is saying but he needs to realize that if he's already whole then he has nothing to lose being with you. And if you guys are happy then there shouldn't be a need for further analyzing... unless he thinks this is going to get in the way of his grades. I don't like how he posted it so directly on Tumblr. The first part kinda made me cring. I hope you're okay, Irene." I understand what Kevin is saying but he needs to realize that if he's already whole then he has nothing to lose being with you. Unless he feels that this is going to get in the way of his dreams. I'm sorry that you feel that I'm holding you back. Maybe I am. Maybe this really is KARMA BITING ME IN THE F!CKING ASS because that's exactly how I felt with Gabe. I felt that he was holding me back at a time when I was meant to fly. So I ran away from him... but God granted him the understanding to let me go. And we... are still friends. Even today. Good friends. I owe him so much for his generous amount of understanding, but when we did speak thoroughly about our situation, I remember he just told me, "I understood. You'd been under lock and key you're entire life and I thought, 'Who am I to hold her back from the freedom she needs?'" Is that the kind of understanding I need to pray for right now? Or should I fight for something different? Would a relationship with me really hold you back? I know the way I had been acting since April, but that was because I wasn't whole and that was because I had others' standards in my head and that was because I was lost when I didn't know I was. But now... after WYD 2011 Madrid.... I am whole. I am complete. And I don't need you. AND YET, my heart would like to share my life with you. Maybe not my entire life, because that is too soon to tell, but part of my life. My life right now, I would like to share with you. It f!cking hurts to want someone in your life when you know that they don't want you in theirs. And for once, I know pure rejection. But basically, what I want to figure out is if I could be by your side while you achieve these dreams. Or do you really not want me there, anyone there? You make it seem that it's not ME but that it's ANYONE. That you would just rather be alone. Is that really it? Is it because part of you really really fears death, as you've told me, and the accompanying fear with that is dying before achieving your childhood dreams? What I want to ask you is if any of your dreams include love. I feel that it is not my place to say this because I really have no right and I really do have bursts of anger and sadness but I must say that you are being so selfish. You tell me that it's for your parents, but truthfully, the rest of yourself is doing it for yourself. It's amazing how much I was capable of giving you, and how much you were capable of rejecting it. Your ambition is dangerous. I'd never come across this before in someone, truthfully. In the light of your ambition, I've realized that I don't live for myself. I didn't think you lived for yourself either, but you are concretely continuing to prove me wrong. Your entire Tumblr front page right now is proving me wrong. I shouldn't hold it against someone for pursuing their childhood dreams. But I still think that it isn't goodness when you are willing to disregard those around you just to achieve your goals. For such a gentle person, you are deadly ambitious. And while I loved you and probably still do, I don't know if I'm willing to sacrifice my love to those jaws. I don't know how much of this I will still stand by when Sunday night arrives.

What also gets me is that I do not know if I should be worried about the fact that I am totally okay with being single. This mindset might stem from the fact that I have grown up happy with love constantly around me, especially from my family. I grew up single, happy, and loved. I am not saying that you did not experience the same. I grew up whole and when I am alone I still am. It might stem from my fear of uncertainty and the leap of faith. But, as you also might believe it to be, it might stem from my dreams and anxieties of being a doctor and the journey towards it filled with failures and triumphs. It might stem from my desire to give my dreams, and nothing else, my all because of the sacrifices and hard work my parents have given every day of their lives. I understand this general feeling. Truly. I remember what it was like to feel so whole and so complete that I didn't need anyone else. I remember feeling so in tune with my self that I turned down the affection of another, that I neglected the relationships of people who needed me, because I felt that they needed me more than I needed them. But I also know, from experience, that the feeling is temporary. Because no man is an island. We will always be in need of the company, love, and presence of others. We need love. It is a foolish and immature and naive thought to think that we can live a life without the love from others. "It might stem from my desire to give my dreams, and nothing else, my all..." I can see where you're coming from. I can look at it from your own perspective, and it makes sense to me. But if this is how you think, then truly there is no place for me in your life and there is no place for you in my life. And I truly don't want to be part of yours. Oh, what shall we do?

Kevin 7/26/11 11:09 PM The weekend was truly unforgettable. It renewed everyone. Me 7/26/11 11:09 PM :'] 7/26/11 11:09 PM I heard :']. 7/26/11 11:09 PM Glad to hear. Renewal is always good :] Kevin 7/26/11 11:09 PM Been creeping i see Me 7/26/11 11:09 PM Do you not know me? 7/26/11 11:09 PM :] Kevin 7/26/11 11:10 PM Yeah, I just can't really describe it though. Like my fellow graduate...one had to be there. 7/26/11 11:10 PM The way BLD Youth holds a retreat is VASTLY different from other types I really belive. Me 7/26/11 11:10 PM I hear this a lot about retreats. The Emmaus Retreat at Preston has a code of silence lol. 7/26/11 11:10 PM Simply because you can't describe what you go through to anyone who wasn't there. Kevin 7/26/11 11:10 PM I imagined you at some points at how you would be and I was like "oh man...Irene would totally be bawling and participating and etc.." Me 7/26/11 11:11 PM Bawling, yes. 7/26/11 11:11 PM Would have loved to go, but it wasn't meant to be lol. 7/26/11 11:11 PM Maybe next year lol? Kevin 7/26/11 11:11 PM Definitely go. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 12:03 AM I differentiate between being sexual and being intimate. Kevin 12:03 AM Okay. No sex before marriage Me 12:03 AM Duh. I told you this. Kevin 12:03 AM And no sleeping together Me 12:03 AM lol. 12:03 AM Figured. 12:04 AM I differentiate between being intimacy and being sexual. 12:04 AM Even on my Tumblr, I differentiate in the tags. 12:04 AM I believe there's a difference. Kevin 12:04 AM you can't really differentiate bc being intimate is being sexual Me 12:04 AM Sexual involves purely physical. 12:04 AM Intimacy involves an emotional connection, and emotional closeness. Kevin 12:04 AM intimacy, not quite sex sex, is still sexually driven Me 12:04 AM I feel that with you. 12:05 AM It depends, as I said, a lot on self-control. 12:05 AM I felt intimacy with you the morning at Lee's house. 12:05 AM I wasn't giving you a handjob. I was giving you a head massage. 12:05 AM I differentiate. 12:05 AM My BODY may not. 12:05 AM Because our bodies are programmed that way. 12:05 AM So yeah, maybe I got wet. 12:05 AM But that's not what I was thinking. 12:05 AM I consciously choose to differentiate between being sexual and being intimate. 12:05 AM Of course, the priest is right 12:05 AM because if you let it, one can lead to the other 12:06 AM specifically from being intimate to sexual. Usually the other way around is harder and not ideal anyway. 12:06 AM But it's all about awareness, consciousness, and self-control. 12:06 AM I always say this lol. 12:06 AM Like 12:06 AM I've always wanted to stop how 12:06 AM our naps and our cuddling lead to sexual acts. Because that wasn't sitting right with me when I reflected on it. 12:06 AM But contrary to the priest 12:07 AM I believe that it's not the cuddling or the sleeping together, it's where they can lead. 12:07 AM So in a way, he's right. 12:07 AM But I believe that if one has proper self-control, intimacy can be achieved without sexuality. 12:07 AM And that's a mantra of mine. 12:07 AM The mind has to control the body. 12:08 AM But yeah. That's just my point of view. 12:08 AM Everyone is entitle dto their own opinion lol. - - - - - - - - - - 12:09 AM That's kind of what we have lol. 12:09 AM We havee an intimate friendship. 12:09 AM o.o Kevin 12:10 AM Okay...honestly...hmm I don't know how to put this 12:10 AM It's regarding how I feel about me in this relationship. Me 12:11 AM Then it's up to you to put it into your own words Kevin 12:11 AM Well, here it is: 12:21 AM I'm stilll trying to find myself and see if I am ready for the future I am preparing for both academically and spiritually and emotionally and relationship-ly. Often, I'm not really sure what to feel about you. Over freshmen year, I got to really know you, like you, and then fall for you...but now...I've been vacillation to "Do you like her? Do you love her?" It breaks me to say that I can't definitively say that I truly love you because I truly don't know yet. I'm still not sure. It breaks my heart to see how much effort you are putting into this relationship and how little I am putting into it comparatively. Is there a future for us? Maybe. I'm not sure. But, I honestly feel that I'm still unsure if I really really head-over-heels love you. I feel like you have/are in that position towards me (really really love me in the way that you see being with me for many years). So, I'm nervous about the future for us and I don't know if I'm ready/know how to handle what can happen. Academically for me, I feel like I'm going to put more of a strain on this relationship and when I pursue medicine everything will just inevitably get harder. I have to say that I love you for the person you are..but do I love you because I love you as my girlfriend and significant other? I'm unsure... This is the first time I put myself out there and I hope that you can understand somewhat of what I've been feeling and going through. And looking at the present and future and Youth Encounter and thinking about my life and what I want out of it...everything is just meshing together into a complex web that I have to take time to really figure out. Me 12:22 AM I'm really glad that Youth Encounter got you to think about this because this is the most honesty I've gotten from you to say to me. 12:23 AM I think a lot so I've covered all the bases in my thinking. I'm not heartbroken or heart-dying, or whatever you thought might happen, because I already considered this a possibility. So safe to say, I'm not surprised. I figured as much. 12:24 AM I'm sorry that I make you feel so bad. I don't want to break your heart. It's hilarious actually how we break each other's hearts without even meaning to, all the time. 12:25 AM I'm not asking you to marry me. I've simply been asking you if you see enough potential in us to try for a relationship. I don't know what kind of love you're looking for, and I know that you don't even know that yourself. I have just wanted to know if you were willing to hold on so that we could both seee if it could amount to something. 12:27 AM I'm relatively in the same boat as you. Because... lol. I love your type. You're the kind of guy/man/half-man I'm looking for. But sometimes, you don't treat me the way I think I should be treated. And love's a bitch sometimes, because it gives me the power to "overcome that" (really, ignore it) because I feel like I want to hold on to see how this relationship will turn out with you. 12:27 AM I know you're not in love with me. But the strange/sad/whatthef!ck thing is that I'm okay with that right now. 12:28 AM It's just like... my question from the beginning is if you think you could fall in love wiht me, and if you were willing to try. I'm just sorry that all of this puts so much pressure on you right now when you're beginning to discover that there are some aspects of you, of your being, and of your life that you don't know about yourself yet. Perhaps I know myself better than you know yours, just at the current moment. 12:31 AM Trust me when I say the honeymoon girlfriend phrase has long been over for me. lol. I seriously almost broke up with you around the time of our 3-month. I'm no longer head-over-heels in love with you, lmao, whatever squealing, obsessive, loveydovey girl-portrait you think that phrase paints. But as I've written on my Tumblr, I'm trying to live life with a little idealism. And if you're the type of man I can marry, then why shouldn't I give it my best shot? Yes, I put a lot of effort, but that's because I'm working to stay in this relaitonship. They say that love is work, and I never understood that better than this summer. Which is why I consider myself in love with you. Because I've put more effort into you than I ever have with anyone else, but that's also because I see potential with you than I ever have with anyone else. 12:33 AM They always say that falling in love isn't a choice, but staying in love is, and I understand that now. But yes, that doesn't account for the fact that you're not in love with me. But I think a factor in that too was the way I might have started acting in the beginning, when I got carried away with my emotions and just all the other stuff of a relationship. Because I've been in a relationship before, and when I started a relationship with you, I assumed that all those initial relationship stuff was going to ensue too: AKA the Honeymoon Phase. But lol, you've never been in a relationship before, so I suppose our expectations at the very beginning were very different, and so that may have caused some conflict. 12:37 AM I don't know what this distance has done for us. I hope that it's been some sort of window to getting you to communicate more, because you really like to lose yourself in just yourself. And that's the kind of person that's not ready for a relationship. But yeah, serious relationships are all about effort, so while I'm not holding you to the same expectations as I may have ignorantly done in the past, I'm still holding on. It's because I see the potential. There are too many questions to fully state them all, but I know that one of the questions is if you see enough potential in us to work towards keeping a relationship. I've tried to be "good". lol. I've learned to hold my own in this relationship much better now than I did when we started. It has obviously been different than what I may have expected in the beginning, but that's my fault for expecting it. I realize that you really did jump into this head first. The question remains whether you want to jump out of it, or if you think you can recover from the shock. 12:38 AM I don't know lol. I'm rambling or something. 12:39 AM I also feel like one of your biggest doubts about this relationship is that you think we may be at different levels concerning the extent of our "love" for the other. 12:41 AM Everything doesn't come at the same time. It was my fault for ignorantly drowning you in love without realizing that you can really scare someone away with that. Like Nik did to Susan. It sucks because a lot of this deals with the future, and we don't know what's going to happen in the future. It's all potential, future, "do you think you can or may or will?" I want to ask you if you think you'll ever fall in love with me, but it's unfair of me to ask that because there's no way for you to know. 12:41 AM I talk too much. I need you to talk now. Kevin 12:47 AM I feel like there is a possibility of me falling in love with you. Sometimes, I see things in you that can make me fall in love with you but then the nervous doubting me is unsure of those thoughts. Okay, honestly, you have so many of the things that everyone - I - want in a girlfriend/significant other/wife. I just want to punch myself and really know why I don't have the immediate feelings of love when I talk, Skype, text, and see you. And yes, I am scared of breaking off this relationship because there is always that chance of things working out. But, I have to consider that things might not get better and what if she's really not the one. ... ugh 12:48 AM Like it scares me that everytime I communicate with you I don't have the butterflies in my stomach or great joy or other things associated with the person you really love. Me 12:49 AM ... I can't say that I feel exactly that either nowadays lol. But I still appreciate talking with you. Did you ever have butterflies, like ever? Were you happy to see me at the reunion? Kevin 12:51 AM No, I don't think I ever got butterflies because we started out as friends and then I just got so close to you that those butterfly feelings didn't exist for me cuz being with you was natural. But, I really was happy seeing you again at the reunion. Me 12:51 AM Yeahhhh, makes sense. 12:51 AM Hm. Kevin 12:52 AM Ugh, this reminds me of that quote that you only have three loves in your life and that one of them is to a friend...and it says that it doesn't work out or something.. Me 12:52 AM lololololol. 12:52 AM Yeah. 12:52 AM I remember that hahahaa Kevin 12:52 AM and it FOREVER mars that friendship Me 12:52 AM O_O 12:53 AM My head hurts so much from constantly re-evaluating everything lol. 12:54 AM I was really close to you. I still am. We are still best friends. I was also physically attracted to you. 12:54 AM I'm trying to figure out where the supposed love came in lol. 12:55 AM I wonder what I am looking for now, too. lol. Kevin 12:55 AM I feel like crying out of frustration Me 12:55 AM I know what you mean. 12:55 AM Mostly now, I feel like crying because my head hurts lol. 12:57 AM You look like you really want to say something so I'm not typing anymore lol. Kevin 12:59 AM I feel like you deserve better. And I find myself attracted to other girls...but...they're not you. I feel like if we break up now, I would be in the phase of okay what now. But then, I feel that I would try to find another girl/woman who could compare with you and I'm scared of that. Uncertainty is eating me. Me 12:59 AM It eats both of us. Kevin 1:00 AM I feel like I would try to find someone who is like you. But I would never find her because you're the only you. 1:00 AM And I've never broken up with anyone before so I feel like that fear also plays a role...but it's more than that obviously. Me 1:01 AM I constantly fluctuate between thinking that you deserve better than me and that I deserve you. Kevin 1:02 AM me too Me 1:03 AM It's not our fourth monthsary yet. We're talking about sh!t too early. Just kidding. Kevin 1:03 AM Okay, unrelated, but the Chris Tomlin lyric video is paused on: "For greater things have yet to come." 0__0 Me 1:03 AM lolll, Completely unrelated. 1:04 AM I still need you to talk some more. Perhaps I'm still not sure what you're unsure about. Kevin 1:06 AM Okay, and what gets me sometimes is that I'm not READY to tell my parents about you/let you personally meet them as my girlfriend because their opinions would mean a lot... Me 1:07 AM I understand that. That's part of the reason why I don't want to tell my parents either. As I've told you, I would only inform them when I know that I have something serious and long-lasting that they'd really need to know about for the future. 1:08 AM I assume that on your end, however, it's because I might not fulfill some standards of your that remain lol. I have to be honest. This relationship has been really, really, really tough for me. You probably figured that. The one thing that keeps me from breaking it off is that I really see potential with you. I can see us being successful and married and holy and in love and happy. But one of my standards for a husband, as I've told you before, is that he should love me as much as I love him. I want us to be deeply, madly in love, forever (because that's the love that overflows to the children, etc., as I've said.) So one of my fears with you is if you'll ever feel that way with me. Because that is the one standard that I should never overlook. So before you judge me by your standards, never forget that I have to judge you by mine too lol. 1:09 AM I just had to put that out there, idk. I'm rambling probably. 1:12 AM There are too many factors. One thing to be said also is that usually, people start a relationship with one another because they see potential in falling in love with each other. But that love doesn't actually happen months, months, months in. Usually. Another thing to be said is that it is in your character to worry. You worry. A lot. Especially about the future. So there's always a possibility that it could just be your mind being itself and doing what it always does -- except this time, it's kind of trashing our relationship and what we could be. lol. 1:12 AM But all in all, there are flip sides to everything. Another question remains of whether you're willing to stick it out with me even with the doubts, and if I'm willing to stick it out with you even though I know you doubt us. Kevin 1:15 AM I'm not worrying about THIS because it's defaulted by who I am. It's because of all the emotional chaos and uncertaintly that's making me worry. Me 1:15 AM I don't know what THIS refers to lol. Kevin 1:15 AM Yes, I will stick with you as long as we're meant to last. Could be months. Could be forever. It's in God's will. Me 1:16 AM I believe that, too. And that's all I need to know, really. Kevin 1:17 AM I feel like we've shared more about our relationship than our parents did theirs. it makes me laugh (horrible I know) in the inside. Me 1:18 AM lmao yes. Kevin 1:19 AM And the thing is, is that I feel like we're blessed. Because, for some reason, we haven't had big all out fights or misunderstandings. It awes me yet calms me yet scares me yet comforts me. Me 1:19 AM lmao. It just does everything to you then. o.o 1:19 AM Misunderstandings only come about with lack of communication. 1:20 AM I know that any time when I've seemed emotionally upset on my Tumblr about our relationship, its root lies in how I talk so much more than you do. 1:20 AM It's just our characters, is all. lol. 1:21 AM I'm scared of the effort thing. About how it might change in times to come. Kevin 1:22 AM I'm tearing right now. Me 1:22 AM -hug- Kevin 1:22 AM maybe its because im also listening to this song Me 1:22 AM Killjoy. 1:22 AM XD Kevin 1:22 AM http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0Byp7aK2DA&feature=BFp&list=PLF015FDEF434A9BE2&index=7 Me 1:23 AM "Lord, I love you. I give you my life." 1:23 AM Have you ever prayed that in the morning? 1:23 AM My mom once told me that, and I never forgot it. Kevin 1:23 AM I proclaim it will all of my being more often nowadays 1:23 AM especially when I pray. Me 1:23 AM Yes. 1:24 AM It's also a good way to restore your faith in His guidance, when you're scared of the future. 1:24 AM It's all in God's will. 1:24 AM This is going to make me tear too lol. 1:25 AM My mom tells me all the time that if you live your life for God, there's no way you can go wrong. 1:25 AM Even if it seems like everything is going wrong. Kevin 1:25 AM I'm staring at you...and for some reason I momentarily saw you in a bridal veil shining radiantly Me 1:25 AM You're scaring me. I think you need sleep. X"D. 1:25 AM :''''] [insert crying here] 1:26 AM Sorry, climax of the song. 1:27 AM Oh, Christian music. 1:29 AM We'll live for God and see what happens. Deal. 1:29 AM ? Kevin 1:29 AM Deal. 1:29 AM :) Me 1:29 AM I wore your bracelet on Sunday. Kevin 1:29 AM :3 Me 1:29 AM Next to mine. 1:30 AM We went to Mass at the absolutely beautiful Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. 1:30 AM I made my parents stay for two Masses. 1:30 AM The Basilica is beautiful. Kevin 1:30 AM It's gonna be a hard road ahead I feel, but let's walk with God and do our best. Okay, Irene? Me 1:30 AM Okay. 1:30 AM Mary was born immaculate on my birthday. The Basilica was so beautiful and inspiring. I want to take you there some day. 1:31 AM I'll probably post my pictures on Facebook when I get around to it. It's beautiful. 1:31 AM There are over 40 shrines to the different names of the Virgin Mary. 1:31 AM I lit a candle at the shrine of Our Mother of Perpetual Help. Because that's the one I relate with the most. Kevin 1:31 AM I've been their with my family a couple years ago and I was in awe of everything there. Me 1:32 AM It's the one that has granted me a miracle in the past (Ivy's getting into college). Kevin 1:32 AM I would love to go there with you someday. Me 1:32 AM Damn, you've already been there lol. :'] Kevin 1:32 AM Hmm, wedding at the National Cathedral sounds nice doesnt it? Me 1:33 AM MAD EXPENSIVE. But nice indeed XDD. 1:33 AM Can we pray the Rosary together in college? Kevin 1:33 AM Definitely. I'll try to memorize the prayers. 1:33 AM I feel like a fail Catholic on that regard Me 1:33 AM I have booklets if anything. 1:33 AM WORDDDD 1:33 AM All the older women can recite everything by heart and I'm like -stumble stumble- 1:34 AM I'm sure She appreciates the effort though lol. Kevin 1:34 AM yeah, I have booklets too. I'm gonna try to read Scripture every day and pray and the Rosary Me 1:34 AM It'd be nice to do the Rosary at least once a week. 1:34 AM Even that would be hard with the schedule and stuff. Kevin 1:35 AM We have to make time for God and Mother Mary 1:35 AM despite all else Me 1:35 AM Yes, we do. 1:35 AM That's one good thing about public transporation lol. 1:35 AM I used to pray on the subway on my way to places. Kevin 1:35 AM :) Me 1:35 AM I haven't done that this summer yet though. I ought to. 1:35 AM That was me last summer lol. Kevin 1:36 AM And the amount of faith that you love is what I TRULY love in you. 1:36 AM *that you have Me 1:36 AM Trust me, it's one of the things I love in you, too. 1:37 AM lol. It should be my prerogative to be that holy. xP 1:37 AM It's truly one of the things that tells me I shouldn't let you go, no matter how emotionally upset I feel. lol. 1:37 AM I mean, that I see that in you too. Kevin 1:37 AM Exactly how I feel with you. Me 1:38 AM It's funny, because I never knew my faith would play such a big part in my relationships. When I was younger, it may not have been one of my standards up there. 1:38 AM I was all non-discriminating, you know? 1:38 AM But God likes surprises. Kevin 1:38 AM Always Me 1:39 AM In afterthought, I am now slightly worried how much of my actions would scare you away. Like, I would want to say, "Good night, I love you." But things like that....? 1:39 AM I'm jsut being honest. I want you to feel comfortable in this relationship. Kevin 1:40 AM No matter if you say it or not, I know that you love me. 1:40 AM And in many ways I love you too. Me 1:40 AM Okay. 1:40 AM :]

Blessings.Can they really be a double-edged sword? I suspect that this weekend will amount to a mixed bag of both good things and negative things. Though truthfully, I'm sure they're all actually good. I'm sure that anything negative about my family reunion and your heart-and-soul-opening retreat is in fact conjured up by my selfish self. I am fourth.I have to keep reminding myself of that. God. Family. School. Significant other. That's how you do it, right? Maybe? Or maybe I'll even be fifth to Friends. Understandable. It's all understandable. I'm actually considering adopting such a pyramid for me too. As my Facebook status said: I think I've learned that certain things that hold God's true beauty are also in themselves lessons in self-humility. I can't think of anything more beautiful than love. And if I love you, I must accept being fourth-and-sometimes-fifth. It's so strange. I must confess that the first text I got from you after this weekend was over instilled in me... fear. I don't really know why. Maybe it was because my thoughts immediately went to how scared I am that your enlightening, transcending soul-experience raised up your self-awareness and your being... to a plane that leaves me completely and utterly behind. Maybe it was because I am aware that God has the power to bring us together and to take us apart at any moment he deems necessary. In the end, I will always blame the selfish side of me that wishes that in your heart and mind, I came first to everything else. I thank God for making that voice quieter and quieter every passing day. It may have its moments, but it will never have full control of me. Because that's a horrible and stupid thought. That's a horrible and stupid thought that has been cultivated by Hollywood movies and the corrupt world and by ignorant minds living too much by idealistic notions. Love is not perfect. And true love is not selfishness. True love is loving someone while realizing that you are fourth-and-sometimes-fifth, and may very well always be. #acceptance

Dear Brandon, Hello! I've been in Washington, D.C., all weekend! I'm sorry we haven't seen each other in awhile, but your Tumblr remains one of the few whose link I've memorized. I still read up on it, of course. Anyway. I just wanted to wish you a heartfelt happy birthday -- that kind of happy birthday in which you hope the person is able to somehow experience being a kid again, despite the undeniable passing of time, because you know that they've been feeling kind of old lately and you don't think that anyone with such a precious imagination should feel old just because of the way the world works. I pray that somehow, sometime today, you were able to feel like a kid again. And even if it didn't... can I be honest? You're the closest thing I know to a superhero because you're the only one I know who believes in them. And I think that's heroic in itself. You're so unique, Brandon. You have a brilliant creative mind, and even in dark times when you think that that mind has left you, remember that that's IMPOSSIBLE. You ARE your mind, you ARE your ideas, you ARE your imagination and your writing, and as long as you are alive, so will your mind, your ideas, your imagination, and your writing be. Don't give in to the world; I know how the world can be sometimes. You're an imaginative fighter, and I hope that you always stay that way. And I truly hope that you will find that one damsel who knows your secret identity long before you save her. And maybe she'll be the one who saves you. Stay hopeful, stay young, stay you. Don't let anything else screw you up. It's all a choice, though a hard one in this world. But I believe you're strong enough to make the right decision, Hero. And whenever you need a word of encouragement, don't ever hesitate to hit me up. I always have an ear. A year from now, five years from now, ten years from now. Even if we haven't talked for those ten years. Because I have a secret desire to be a hero, too -- one who saves youth, creativity, and imagination. You're not the only one I've really, really wanted to save. I wish much love and happiness to you on your birthday. :D -- Irene.

Even amidst this sadness, I am happy. It was the sweetest goodbye ever in my life. When I saw you, everything Nik had just said to me rang in my head. If you want something badly enough, if you want someone badly enough... you will put in your everything to make it happen. When he had said that, I knew it was true. I really wanted this to work. Both of us were tearing. I hadn't expected myself to cry nor did I even think it would be such an emotional goodbye, though I really should have known myself better. I even told Nik he wouldn't need to leave the room after he offered, but he insisted to. What a kind soul. By the time you entered my room, you had tears in your eyes. But you were smiling. I was done for. It was unexpected. I hadn't planned to cry, but when you hugged me.... "Hugs make me cry," I said. "I was going to be fine until you hugged me." My forehead had never been doused in so many kisses. "You mean so much to me," was the first thing I said. Then, a pause. "It's okay if you can't come down to the city. It's okay," I said. It was with a sad smile, but I truly meant what I said. "...This will take effort. And I will try my best," I said, within tears. "Me too," you said. And then... "No matter what happens, know that I'll always love you." "Always?" I questioned with a laugh. "You don't know that," I said. "Okay, fine. I will love you until you make it awkward or something.... Please, no matter what happens, don't make it awkward." I laughed hard at you. Too many firsts with you, dearest. I joked with you about it. "I don't know how it wouldn't be awkward, hahaa....." I looked up at you. I had to say it again: "...No matter what happens, please don't hate me." "No matter what happens, I will always love you," you said again. I embraced you so tightly. Then I put your hands behind my back and carefully, slowly, slipped on the bracelet. I released your hand, keeping my hands behind my back. You drew your hand forward and saw it: "Are you really giving me your bracelet???" I brought my right hand forward and gently held yours, putting our wrists together. "I have two," I whispered, my voice breaking as I looked at our hands together. "There was a reason why these were sent late. I was going to give them to Gabe... and then to Ivy, or to Stephanie... but I don't think anyone else has the faith to deserve them... except you...." Then, with all my heart: "No matter what happens, I want you to keep it." You nodded with tears in your eyes. I don't think I've ever seen you cry. I pulled you closer. I put my hands on your chest and looked down. "One second," I said. And I said a Hail Mary in my head, my entire heart behind it. I had no other words; only the feeling, the sentiment. Not even a complete thought. I don't remember exactly what else was said. I am sure I put in an extra two cents about effort again. I remember you hugging me saying, "You know I hate to see you cry." Then... "We will make it," you said. I looked into your teary eyes, an unfamiliar sight. "We will make it," I repeated. I smiled. I couldn't help but smile. I believed you. "God willing," you added. I smiled wider as another sob built in my chest, as the realization really hit me. "I will pray more then," I laughed into your chest. More kisses. Tighter embraces. You couldn't stop kissing my lips. "I will miss you more than your fingers, your hands, or your kisses," I told you. "You are beautiful, inside and out. Don't forget that," you told me. Then lastly, I looked up at you: "I love you, and have a safe drive, okay?" Never before have I gotten enough closure as I did now. I am happy.

"Kevin. I love you, and I don't know if I can say that for forever yet, but I know that in this moment, I do." "Take it slow.... This is what I want to do to you.... Can you feel it? I want to last for you.... I want to last for you...." Beautiful in its sensuality, carnality, and passion. Every relationship needs balance, right? #memory #noregrets

Words can only do so much. Last night was the culmination, I suppose, of a very good day. And I'm only writing about it here lest it escape my memory. This is not a memory I want to lose. Tuesday night, after staying up until around 6 helping revise Kevin's script for his Arabic Medicine presentation for MedTerm and then critiquing him as he practiced down on the Dewey main floor, we finally went back upstairs. I went to my room, he to his, and after awhile, I walked down to his room to say good night before sleeping alone, once again, in my bed. "I'm sleeping with you," he said. I left the room before smiling. We crashed on top of my bed, having had no time for our usual late-night showers, and by 8:30 AM, I helped wake his exhausted self up. "You have a presentation today," I whispered in his ear. After some time, I finally got him to sit up. He got his things, but then I beckoned him over to give him a hug. "Good luck," I said. He thanked me and left, and I set an alarm to sleep for another hour before getting up to wash my hair; our chorus concert was tonight, after all, and I wouldn't have time later to get ready. Later, the alarm rang, and I put on my bathrobe and stepped outside my room. With my back to the hallway, I slowly shut the door as not to wake Paulina, but then I suddenly noticed footsteps behind me, which then stopped, and then retreated. I turned around just to catch a glimpse of Kevin walking away around the corner. I laughed and yelled after him, "WHAT? You creeper! XD." He didn't come back, so I went into the bathroom to take my 40-minute shower. As I was undressing in the shower stall, I thought I heard someone come down the hall and possibly open my door; I wasn't sure if it was my room or my hallmate's. When I came back from my shower, I walked in and found a plant sitting on the dresser next to my bed. "Good morning :]. Thank you... for being you ♥. Love, Your Dearest Sperm Whale ^__^" I've never gotten flowers from a guy before. I was exploding with cheesiness. It was just so... Kevin. "There is a plant... on my dresser," I said aloud. Paulina awoke, and after we both laughed for awhile while "Aw"-ing all over the place, she informed me that it looked like a honeysuckle. "I guess his presentation went welll?" I said to Paulina, joking. I texted him asking where he was so I could find him, but he told me that he did actually end up going to Bio lecture. I told him I would meet him at Pistachio's for lunch anyway. Paulina and I later met up with him, and then he walked me to Chem Lab. After Chem Lab, I ended up bumping into Lee, who then walked and talked with me back to Governors. As we caught up on our weekends, I texted Kevin asking him if he was going to nap until our chorus concret later that night. "Yeah, I was just about to fall asleep," he replied. "Oh, OK," said my reply text. Then: "Do you want to nap with me?" "Sure, I don't have anything else to do," was what I texted back, but what I really meant was, "Most. Definitely." I asked him if I could wear outside clothes, and he said that I could keep everything but my outside pants. "I'll let you wear my shorts," he said. Haha, I had already been wearing his shorts and his sweater the entire day. I met him there and changed into his red guy shorts from behind his roommate's curtain. "Why behind there?" he teased. "Don't you know what my roommate does in there?" We both laughed. We eventually fell asleep. It was four, and we had a call time of 6:10 for the chorus concert. He wanted to wake up at 5:30 in order to have time to iron his inside shirt, but when the alarm rang... we ended up not getting up until 6:15, we were enjoying ourselves too much.... I believe at some point, the phrase, "The things I would do to you," was uttered from his mouth. His roommate coming in and out made for the most comical scene, since it's usually he and his fuck-buddy who make the situations slightly awkward for Kevin. But ah, I wouldn't let him get up from the bed. "I thought you don't like kissing," he whispered to me. "But I love kissing you." All things done and said, we showed up at the concert hall around 6:25. Our chorus was the first short half, perhaps a 25-minute performance. Everything went smoothly. Then after intermission, Kevin and I linked arms and held hands as we watched the UB Choir and UB Symphony Orchestra come on the stage to perform Mozart's epic Requiem Mass. All in all, it was ear-gasmic. But there were too many mistakes for Kevin and I to give a standing ovation or anything of the sort. Regardless, the music put us in a great mood. Instead of going back immediately for Late-Night, I convinced him to let me pay for a shared Udon Terriyaki Chicken at the Chinese place in the Commons. Once we started eating with our chopsticks, he offered to feed me one mouthful. Then when I tried to feed him, he criticized my "feeding technique". I ended up spending the rest of the meal learning from him the "proper way to feed someone." We finished the rest of our dish feeding each other. "MAJOR cornballs XD," I told him. "We must look soooo weird to anyone watching us right now," he said. We both laughed. The Chinese place was pretty empty. When we got back, I went to my room and he to his. I was in such a great mood. All I could think about was wanting Kevin to stay in a good mood, was making him feel good, was making him calm, relaxed, and happy. I texted him saying, "Is your roommate in?" "No:)" he said. "Are you in the mood for a Post-It, or am I being a guy? lol," I texted, referring to the keep-out method he and his roommate had established. "I'm in the mood to study actually=/" he said.... before texting back, "Just kidding. I'm just looking over everything I have to do. Just chilling." "Well, I think you deserve to relax, so I'm coming over," I said. When I came over, he was just being... Kevin. I automatically hopped onto his bed with him, and then he, being Kevin, put on an Eric Whitacre playlist. He was still standing, sorting some of his MedTerm vocabulary cards. I just took in the music as both of us felt it call to our souls. Whitacre's choral music tends to do that. He worked on his index cards for a good hour as I just laid on his bed, listening to the beautiful music. The rest that happened tends to be a bit of a blur. At some point, Kevin finally put on a Yiruma playlist and did get into bed with me, claiming that he was going to "nap." His roommate came in at some point and saw us snuggling, and he offered to turn off the light before leaving, thinking we were going to bed. I give his roommate props. I guess I had only known him as the fuck-buddy, but really, as Kevin said, "They're good kids. They just have a different way of doing things." Everything after this point... gah. I just hope these memories stay in my head. I had never looked into someone's eyes for so long. Kevin is so beautiful. His skin is dark and smooth, and I love to look at him when his eyes are closed, when you can hardly see his eyebags. I told him all this. I love touching his smooth cheek and running my fingers through his hair. Eventually, he noticed that I was staring at him, and he stared at me back. Me being me, I started to feel self-conscious and wanted to cover my face, but I reminded myself that if he was letting me stare into his soul, I should let him stare into mine. It was awhile before either of us spoke. I can't remember all the details. "Why are we so alike...?" "...Because we're soulmates." "Am I doubting?" "What?" "... I probably won't be able to come into the city. My parents won't let me drive down there." "It's okay." "No, it's not." "It's fine." "I'm scared I'm going to make you hate me. Like this week, when I stress out about school and stuff.... We've never fought before." "Oh, don't worry, we will.... Kevin, don't worry about being tested. This summer will be our test." "I don't really have any friends back home. I was popular, but we were never really close. I mean, when I go back, they'll probably invite me to hang out with them and stuff... but I don't belong with them. I don't think I belong anywhere." "You belong with me." "What happens if we break up?" "I fear that too. We have an entire summer. I don't know... Whatever happens, happens." "... No... I mean... then I would hurt you." "Whatever happens, happens, Kevin. If it's meant to be, then it will happen." "Kevin... Don't hate me if I seem too clingy in the coming weeks. It's just... I'm scared of the summer. I've always believed that only love can last in long-distance relationships.... And I just want us to have a good foundation." Him: "I feel so blessed to have found you." Me: "Same." Me: "I am so thankful for you." Him: "So am I." After awhile, he started making faces at me. We were laughing so much in bed, next to each other. He never ceases being Kevin, and that's what I love about him. I love that I understand him. "We always laugh together, don't we?" he remarked. "Well, I would hope that laughter is a sign of happiness, right?" I replied. Later, his hand found my thighs again. He always tells me that he wants me to feel good, but it's not fair that my buttons are so easy to find while his aren't as much. It doesn't take much for me to moan or breathe heavy, but I also know that that's what helps makes him hard. "Magic fingers," I huffed into his neck. "Does me being turned on turn you on?" I whispered into his ear. "... Well, it makes me really hard...." I pulled him on top of me. God, he was so hard, and I was so surprised that I told him so -- he no longer gets embarrassed. Truthfully, I never knew a guy could be that hard. I tell him all the time that I'm afraid I'll never make him feel as good as he makes me. He tells me that it's okay. But last night, I let him lie down between my legs. The only time I had ever done this before was during our earlier nap. "So this is what missionary feels like. How does it feel to be the first man between my legs?" I teased. "...Humbled," he said, with an embarrassed chuckle. I laughed at him, hard. It was hilarious. I started to grind into him, asking him if it felt good. He was already reciprocating the motions and breathing heavily. He nodded and then said that he was sweating. I told him to take off his shirt and he complied. As he kneeled on top of me, my gaze travelled across his chest as his shirt came off. Kevin is so beautiful, and I told him so. He looked down at me, shaking his head, and leaned back on top of me. As his thrusts got stronger, he asked me, "Do you really want to do this?", stopping to look me in the eyes. I looked right back at him and said with all my heart, "If you feel ashamed or guilty for any reason, I need you to tell me," I said. I couldn't help but keep thinking back to Casey and how horrible I had felt in the past. "But as for me," I told him honestly, "I don't feel ashamed. At all. Because it's with you." In my head, I added, And I'm in love with you. To be honest... every time we do things like this, that is the exact thought in my head. In my heart, I feel whole when I do these things with him because I love him.... I haven't told him anything yet though. I paused. "You don't think we're moving too fast, do you?" I asked him. Still looking down at me, he said, "No. I don't feel that way." I looked away at the wall. "Why is that?" I pondered. ".... Because we love each other too much," I heard him say quietly. I looked at him. I felt my heart implode into pieces and then suck itself back together again, whole, stronger and more alive than ever. That was exactly how I felt. I feel that I love him. That I am in love with him. My logical mind tells me that it's too soon, even though we've been best friends for half a year already. But my heart tells me that this is exactly right. And truthfully, I don't care if anyone else doesn't understand as long as he understands. And we do. We do understand each other. "I'm going to cry," I told him. I was laughing at myself and smiling and tearing and the tears started coming down my face as he looked down at me. "Oh noo," he said. "No, don't worry! I'm just getting emotional.... Like, I'm in disbelief. The tears are involuntary, I swear," I told him throughout sobs. "It still upsets me a little," he said. I pulled him closer to feel his embrace around me. "No, don't be upset. I'm not upset. I'm happy," I told him. I cried for a little bit. Then I said, "Remember that religion teacher I told you about who died?" He nodded at my reference to Dr. Morton. I told him, inbetween sobs: "One time in sophomore year, I wrote her a reflection paper. In it, I told her about how I can't go to confession without crying involuntarily. I couldn't understand why I always did that. And when she read my reflection paper, she told me, 'Did you ever think that your tears are a gift and sign of God's grace?' So every time I cry involuntarily, that's what I think of," I told him. He smiled into my neck. After awhile, I was able to reign it in. "Aghghghghhh," I said, and he laughed at me. He held me for awhile. All I could think of was that I really really wanted to tell him that I was in love with him.... Instead I said, "... I don't want to scare you away." And in my head, I added, And I don't want to get scared away. He replied, "And I don't want to scare you away." I looked at him in surprise, though I really shouldn't be surprised, since we voice each other's thoughts all the time. "I was just thinking that," I said to him. We laughed. "Figures," he said. After some silence, with my hand on the side of his face, I told him the closest thing to my thoughts yet: "I'd like to fall in love with you," I said softly. He smiled again. We breathed for a bit, and with his face close to mine, he then asked me, "Are you happy?" "Yes," I said, without hesitation. "Are you?" He looked deep into me and nodded, and then he closed his eyes in contentment and smiled gently. He has such a beautiful smile. I'm not going to lie. Eventually, as he began rubbing circles into my hip, his hand found my thighs again, making me squirm. It's so easy for him to turn me on -- "It's because I understand your body," he told me. I told him to switch positions, and for the first time ever, I straddled a guy. I asked him to position me where he wanted me, and I fully felt how hard he really was. It actually hurt to have him thrusting against my pubic bone. He kept asking me if he was making me feel good, and I told him to calm down, that I was doing this for him, that I couldn't feel anything through my clothes but that my clothes would be staying on regardless. He was grunting quietly, and I asked him if he might come in his pants and if he would be okay with that. He was so hard that he finally just told me, "I don't think I will come. It hurts so much -- it's too tight with clothes on. Can I take off my pants?" "Sure," I said. I sat on his stomach as he eased his pants off. Afterwards, he reminded me about finding his buttons. I moved down and sat on his knees, and for the first time ever, I saw his erection, practically unclothed -- he was just wearing white boxer-briefs. He is very impressive. I wasn't surprised; Kevin has really big hands and big feet. I looked him up and down. Kevin is beautiful. His skin is quite darker than mine and almost completely unmarked, but so smooth to the touch. He is tall, and properly proportioned; though ab-less and now muscle-less, I don't care. I would love to explore his body. I felt around his waistband and torso, looking for his tickle spots. Funnily, I found that his nipples are more sensitive than mine (mine have never been sensitive). However, his thighs aren't as sensitive as mine. Eventually, I asked him in slight frustration where his other buttons might be, and he basically replied, "Well, that," In reference to his dick. I laughed. "I really can't grind on you?" I said. "No, it just hurts. I'd prefer to use a hand," he confessed. "I think that would be the next level," I replied honestly. "Some time in the future," I told him. He completely understood. As I continued looking his body over, I remarked, "I think it's hilarious how I get you to take off your clothes before you get me to take off mine." He laughed in response. "I like it better this way anyway," I said. I repositioned myself on top of his hips and looked down at his face, my hands on both sides of his head. My shirt -- his shirt -- draped down (he could have looked down my shirt but didn't care to), and my Italian cross ironically swung in front of his face. He took it into his hand, and I told him honestly, "It really means something when I can do all of this and still wear this." He nodded, understanding. From that point on, I just looked down at him, into his eyes. I smiled. I smiled, big and wide. I was so happy, and I felt it exuding from my very face. I wanted him to see it in my eyes. I saw him take in my expression, and then he smiled back. His eyes smiled back. "Gah, it's not going away," he confessed, about his erection. "... I still can't believe you don't relieve it," I replied; he had told me that he just waits for it to go away, and it does. I still can't wrap my head around it -- I thought I learned that ejaculation is healthy for the male testicles, lest they get too heavy, which is known as "blue balls." But Kevin has told me that he never has to relieve it; he just waits. "I was raised right, I guess," he said. Still in disbelief, I told him honestly, "... You are rare." "I just realized we could do this all night," he said later. "I know, right?" "Gah, but I'm so tired now XD," he said. So I asked him if I could sleep there, and he said yes. I went back to my room to brush my teeth, and when I came back, he was looking through the videos on his computer. He showed me movies of his short speech during his graduation, when his parents said goodbye to him in his room, and when he was playing with his dog Kiwi. I remembered that I had told him that I wanted him to hear my valedictorian speech, and so I went back to my room to fetch my computer and show him the video. I set my laptop down on his desk and we laid on our stomachs on his bed, watching it. The speech was as incredible as I last remembered -- truthfully, I don't give myself the credit for writing the speech. I still think God wrote it through my hand. I could not have done it without the inspiration, the help. Something else came into me to help me write it. "The only thing worth getting valedictorian," I told him, "was being able to give this speech and tell these things to the entire graduation audience. That was it." After the video was done, we went to sleep. I finally clarified with him: "You don't have to cuddle with me if it puts you into an uncomfortable position. I just want you to hold my hand." He complied. Now that it's morning, I can hardly believe that all that happened last night. This growing, this completion, this love.... It's amazing. It reminds me why we live Life.

Staying up with you studying until 5 AM has become a routine of mine of ours. Except last night's routine was made different by one kiss. "I really want to kiss you right now," I said. I wasn't lying when I told you that it was the best kiss that I have ever had. I don't even like kissing. I just like kissing you. Maybe it's because my feelings for you are the best feelings I've ever felt for someone else. I feel so intimate with you. I already told Phil that this feels like love. And I'll never forget how you confessed your feelings for me with the phrase, "I think I'm falling for you." Not, "I like you," or, "I like you a lot," or, "I really like you," or, "Will you be my girlfriend?" I love "I'm falling for you" better than all of these.... Hahaa... you keep saying that this is your first everything, and yet... you're doing better off than anyone else ever had. I replied, "Same." Because I would say that I myself am falling for you too. Fast. That honeymoon phase thing that I was scared of? I'm wallowing deep in it right now -- I almost hate myself for it :X. But, I'm realizing that instead of wanting your hands all over my skin, I simply want my hand in yours. I love it when we play idly with our fingertips. I love how you brush at my feet when I'm studying, sitting near you. Simply, I want to love you. This is so different, so comfortable, amazing, and easy. It's almost scary. "You make me happy," I said. ... It makes me fear what we will be like when it gets difficult. #awareness #expectations #summer The honeymoon phase is always the easiest. But... if this is love... I shall not compare this to anything less or anything past. Because such a comparison would not do this justice. If this is love, this would be better than all of that.

I really don't remember the last time I felt like this. Actually, I don't remember if I've ever felt like this. (Screw you, Tumblr. lol. I guess I did find that someone who is exactly like me.) I'm excited. At the same time, I don't want to rush things. At the same time, I'd really like to kiss you. At the same time, I'm scared of the honeymoon phase. At the same time... I feel more than complete. Because I was already complete when you found me. Our friends saw it all along. I feel like the timing is perfect. I feel like this was meant to be. I can't wait for Saturday. But I'm not expecting anything. Hah. Not expecting anything at all.... :X. But waiting is what I'll do. Waiting got me you, after all. No, waiting got each of us each other. #oh,isn'titfunnyhowLifeworkssometimes #itfeelssomethinglikelove #ifnotlovethencompletionatleast

Hahahahahaaa. And I thought I would never feel like this. I thought I had grown up too much. I read your words and it makes me giggle. Legit. And my stomach flipped, and my heart spasmed the first time, and... what the hell? I really thought I had forgotten what a crush felt like. But until we figure out what this is, I'm not even going to label it as that.

So this happened at Kiraku last night: Dad: "So, it sounds like he has a good... -searching for word-... character?" Me: "He's amazing." lol. I didn't mean for it to come out like that, but I honestly think it means something that it did and that I didn't want to take it back once it was said. Oh Life. How you work in mysterious ways. And maybe in the future, if everyone tells me, "I told you so!" or, "I told you it would end up like this!", I will still refuse to believe them and tell them it caught us both by surprise.

Dear Terry, Hello :]. Finally, your favorite college student has time to write you a letter. The semester has just started -- merely the end of the first week -- so we are still relaxing here in the dorms. It snowed yesterday! My friends and I were planning on going dancing downtown, but decided against it because of the snow. Instead, we rented a movie and set up my room as a theater: we sat/lied down on a blanket on the floor and propped the laptop on a chair so we could watch it. We had an unlimited supply of Mint Oreo cookies, marshmallows, and hot chocolate -- probably not the healthiest of things, but perfect for a sleepover :]. I actually fell asleep sometimes midway through the movie. I just woke up this morning to see that only one of my friends went back to her own bed to sleep! My two good friends Kevin and Lawrence are still asleep on the floor. I've given them blankets and pillows :]. I guess that since they're in my room right now, I should introduce you to them :]. Lawrence is Chinese with a handsome face and beautiful jawline. He is Buddhist and is always a pleasant presence to have around because it almost seems as if he is so at peace that he will only be either passively indifferent or happily smiling and never angry. He is from Queens, so I was lucky enough to meet with him during break; he graduated from the prestigious Stuyvesant High School, which is just one shred of evidence of how smart he is. He is studying to be a Chemical Engineer, and without his help, I never would have gotten an A in Chemistry last semester. He is ridculously skilled at explaining almost everything; I want him to be a Teaching Assistant next year as a sophomore, he's so good. He's very logic-centered in the way he thinks, so I suppose that's why he doesn't lose his cool easily and why it'll take him only three hours to complete a problem set for chem but an entire night to write a simple subjective reflection paper. He may not exactly understand the way people act and react because he tends to think instead of feel, but regardless, he really is a great friend. When I've been too scared to sleep in my room alone (my roommate is often sleeping in her boyfriend's room on the other campus), he's always offered to sleep on the floor or on my roommate's bed so I can sleep in peace. He is an immensely considerate person, as this shows, always thinking of others before himself. We often spend a lot of time together. The other guy friend I spend a lot of time with is Kevin. He is tall, about 5'11", and proportionally built; we are working out together daily now, so he's beginning to look more nicely fit every day :]. I feel closest to him because he is also Filipino, though he looks much darker than me, haha. We have a lot in common because of our common heritage and upbringing -- for example, we are also church buddies and trek to Mass every Sunday night together. To be honest, I feel like we'll be either such close best friends as siblings in the future, or he'll be my husband, haha. He is such a good guy who shares my culture, morals, and faith. I care a lot about him (and Lawrence), almost to the point where I feel maternal around them. Whenever they sleep over, I always make sure they use my spare pillows and blankets so that I know they're comfortable; when they're stressed or studying, I ask them if they want a massage or hot chocolate. The dynamic the three of us have is so much like a family that we almost always get breakfast and dinner altogether. I feel safe, comfortable, and content when I'm with them. There have been times when we have spent almost three days together without leaving each other's company -- sleeping, studying, talking, relaxing, and eating together. I feel so blessed to have made such good friends. I even often feel closer to the two of them than most of the girl friends I have made here. I love college, to be honest... just not the schoolwork, hahaa. There isn't much to say about the academics, except that it's much harder than high school, and we all lose so much sleep over doing work and reading our textbooks. I'm doing quite well right now, though -- my first semester, I ended up with a 3.89 GPA. I was really happy :]. The most dangerous thing about college is the bad influence. That's why I really am blessed to have found the friends I have now -- Lawrence and Kevin -- who share my morals. I do, truly, feel safe around them. I have girl friends who don't share my morals and are actually sexually active. I shouldn't be surprised because I know that state of the world today. It's hard to resist temptation when everyone else is giving in, but it's easier when you surround yourself with better people, I have found. As of now... I am doing just fine :]. I am very happy now, with where I live, what I do, whom I spend time with, and who I am. I am glad I chose Buffalo. I even, just recently, got a job as the keyboardist at the Catholic center on campus! It feels even more like home now. How are you? And how is Tony? Please keep me updated on the both of you. I hope you're doing well. I hope this letter wasn't too long for you. I tend to be ridiculously wordy! But I wanted to tell you about how I am now, and not to worry about me or to miss me too much. I'll see you soon enough. Love, Irene God Bless. <3

I always believed in self-control. I mean, what else is reason for? Without reason, without deliberate, thoughtful action, we are just as good as animals. This is what I always thought. And just as always, there is a tiny part inside me that rebels. How liberating, how raw, how passionate it must be to let oneself go. I wonder what it is like. Perhaps to let oneself go is to embrace and accept one's own pure essence. Perhaps it is to witness one's true nature, unrestrained, unedited. I never really believed that the true nature of human kind is evil. And yet, I find myself believing that one should always be in control of one's own nature, to never give in to it completely, to always act with restraint. Perhaps I should simply make it a New Year resolution to think less and act more. Ironic, considering how I have spent the last couple of years teaching myself how to think. To think, constantly. Lately, all this thinking has led me to question whether I am authentic or not. Is it possible that reason, that which I treasure so highly in my life, causes me to always be edited? Causes me to always withold my true nature? I've always believed in being genuine, raw, and pure. That is why I don't give much value to the usage of substances. But, have I ever been completely raw and pure in terms of an unedited, completely embraced essence? One memory comes to mind. The exact memory that, now that I think about it, was probably the experience that led me to treasure self-restraint, self-control, in the first place. Hah. Ironic. Maybe I will never truly experience true, raw essence until sex. Dare I say... after all these years, I'm beginning to understand it now. And I had thought that I had already defined my grasp on this.

Night of January 7th, 2011. From the Stream of Consciousness. Sleep doth not come to me. I am awaiting whether this is true insomnia or perhaps, I just took the pills too close to this present moment. I wanted to text that to you. "Sleep doth not come to me." I hardly remember you, to be honest. All that is in my head is a concept. An idea. You and your ideas.... I used to get drunk on them. I was once addicted to them, nothing less than addicted. I don't doubt that I may never find a mind that works like yours. I now have such a high standard for conversation that I am quite sure that not even I myself fulfill it. I hardly remember our conversations; I guess that's a good thing. On the other hand, I do remember that our chat logs still exist. Bad. They're just sitting there, amidst all the other virtual junk that causes me to have only 12 gigs of hard drive space free on my laptop. Such fail, hah. I haven't touched them in a very long while. Rightfully so, too. Just as often do thoughts of you enter my mind. Sleep doth not come to me. I still want to text that to you. Perhaps I will, for the mere chance of maybe having a good conversation. I do not know. All I know is that the more I think of it, the more likely I am to do so. Interesting. I will tell myself that I only acted so because I had a trigger, but I know that I probably would have done it anyway. And now I simply wait, I suppose. I wonder what mood you'll be in if you do respond at all, heh. I cannot help but wonder if I did something to spur that other text message. God knows that one incapability that I constantly revert back to is the fact that I do not leave things alone. Too often than now, I will act when I would have been better off doing nothing, or saying something when I most definitely would have been better off saying nothing. I believe the formal term for it is "prudence" -- or in other words, knowing what to say or what to do as well as WHEN to do or say so. I suppose I am just too expressive of an individual. And, I have always had problems determining the effect of my actions on others. Well, perhaps now I am learning. No, I'm not going to ask you "Why?" Though perhaps, you want me to. It/This will bother me as long as I let it. I cannot help but suppose that with this timing as well as the mere conversations of today, that perhaps something posted on my Tumblr that upset you, or perhaps Yanelza told you what I said about you. Either way, your obvious defiance makes it clear that once again, I am somehow in the wrong and in the dark. I am supposing that we just perhaps weren't meant to work out for these very reasons. (Wow, it is amazing how much my penmanship depends on the kind of pen I am using o_o). Left in the dark, as always. You did always have better self-control than I. The Art of Seduction. I can't help but wonder which type you would be, considering the fact that you might be the only one who remains whom I have yet to figure out. I wonder if I have been attracting you, rather unintentionally, on my own. I remain unsure. I am tired. My first yawn! Let us see what happens. Additional Notes for the Reader. The stuff I write in my Notebook Stream of Consciousness are usually either thoughts late at night or thoughts while I am traveling somewhere. There are 3 separate Yous in this entry. #yeahi'vealwayswrittenformyselfanyway

You were right. I am neurotic.