life is about love and loss.
making friends and losing them.
caring and being cared for.
the little things that make you happy and the big things that make you sad.
and maybe its a little about couches.
first apartments and how you furnish them.
with milk crates and futons.
life is not about couches. ok?
my hair flows in the wind, and i squint in the sunlight. it's not because i am afraid of what i might see. no, im really afraid of what i might miss. but more often than not, i see disaster and close my eyes to remember the beauty and calm. nothing worth it was created without turbulence. and nothing destroyed was never once loved by at least someone or something. it's the little things that pass by unnoticed that really gets to me. and the bigger things that are taken for granted as monotonous, that makes me want to scream out to the rest of the world.
numb. it's all we are. as if we refuse to see simplicity as something so profound. simplicity and complexity are lost within numbers and repetition. would you know if something special were there if you saw it everyday? i wonder sometimes why we get lost within our own world. as if we subconsciously try not to notice the greatness that surrounds us constantly.
every thing is an opportunity and a new path untraveled. every breath is a new moment to change what is familiar. eyes blink at amazing speed, and i sometimes want all the time spent looking at my eyelids back, as if i might have missed something spectacular.
its all relativity and being able to look at the world around us, instead of through it.
pools of life fall around my waist and creep down my legs until they are puddles i dive into full force. i heal myself with wading in its mystique and if i could survive with filling my lungs in this, you would know my next move.
i could inhale your fear and exhale beauty onto your skin, seeping into your pores.
nerve endings within my fingers take in too much and i become numb. the knives that carved your arm are the same ones that consequently carve into my soul. if i could make you feel happiness again, would you let it happen?
i question the dark but nonetheless, i let it fall over me, let it encompass me. i soak up the secrets that only the willing can find.
i curled up at the edge of your bed praying for sleep. i cried out into silence and was answered with such. you turn your back and face someone else, something better. blankets now hold barriers within, and i place my hand on the mattress as if a familiar shape will be found. im greeted by just dense cloth, and sometimes, i suffocate in open fields.
i want to feel your arms grasping my lower waist again, moving up and around my back and grasping my shoulders just tight enough to make me feel complete.
i've always been the miss-er. nostalgia gives me a beating far larger than any pair of fists could. the one thing that keeps me going is a future that will turn into more fodder for my memory. it's a vicious cycle, but an enticing one at that. i think i'll take my chances having the present filled with uneasiness in a knowledge that soon enough, i'll be whole again. like i have so many times before. even for just a moment. my pieces break and mend with the fall and rise of the tides. the processes of them breaking and mending time and time again are the most exciting and moments that i would never erase for anything. no matter how desperate or content i may be.
my toes in the sand, the skin up to my ankles damp and cold from the peaceful waves. the sunset is long gone, but the complete darkness ahead is almost comforting. i want to bathe a new life in the ocean, but timidness keeps me at bay.
i look up at the sky and imagine letters spelt out in the stars. the words are incoherent, but i try to make sense of it anyway. i spin around and the dots become beams of light, and right before i fall to the ground laughing in its most innocent form, i breathe in real deep. i almost choke on the purity, but exhale the past and once again, i am new.
...uhhh
wehangoutonkitchencountersunderground.
totallystoked.
californiainfourtytwodaysandcounting.
all
i
wanna
do
is
see
you
for
a
minute
or
...
two
.
sideways smiles?
why me?
why now?
why him?
why not?
damnit.
goodbye is too good a word.
i deserve better.
i know it.
his friends know it.
fuck. maybe he even knows it.
that, or he thinks im not good enough.
i just got up and left. he didnt seem to mind much.
im still shaken from that glance or two earlier today.
core.
someone far away cares. tends to make things better.
im so numb right now.
too much going through to actually process.
the nights have become warmer, the transition is nothing short of beautiful. renewal, and it seems as if this is the first time i have ever experienced it. but it's vividness has never moved me as much before. i've never known a city come to life [in the most literal sense that could be attached] as much as im seeing it do now.
its interesting to me how crisp morning air can just flow through your hair and everything instantly becomes perfect. my thoughts correlate with the climate, which is why i look forward to temperance and tints.
overall, i said. just a general improvement in life overall. nothing monumental, but i have noticed how upcoming events make everyday that much sweeter. i wanted to feel the beauty i saw. everyday i get closer. i look back and smile. and await for more things to look back on and smile. im understanding now. it's not so much missing, but appreciating. i've known greatness, i've known travesty. i can pick and choose which to dwell on. so i decide on smiling.
its the summer nights coming. i can feel their percussion moving me. soon, a year ago and i would be found me wishing and missing out on. soon, a year from soon, i will be looking back and find myself loving and laughing. i've met amazing. im creating my life and coming out of my shell. the only gray thought i have is wondering why it took me so long.
the past no longer scares my present. nor does the future.
for once, im living the grace within the medium of the past and future and cant wait to do it again the next day. and the next.
i mean it when i smile, now. im genuinely happy.