I wimped out about half way on the walk home and ended up calling my mom for a ride. I lit up a cigarette and waited, I thought a whole lot about everything. She picked me up and we were talking about me being cold, then she said "AND YOURE SMOKING AGAIN". I just agreed, I wasn't too much in the mood to really try to get myself out of it or anything. We got home, and she made a big deal and I just went in my room and ignored her. I went out a little later and talked to her, I ended up spilling my life out at her and balling my eyes out. I couldn't hold it in any more, maybe it was just all the ice melting off of my eyes.. or maybe not.. but I lost it. I don't have to hide me smoking any more.. well, thats a plus out of the whole thing I guess. As I was just typing this, my dad came in and had me go to his room and he taked to me about his "life with girls". apparently he overheard my mom being loud as usual and talking to me about you and I. I re-read your journal things.. I've known this about you, I know alot more about you than you think I do. I am a mess right now, I can't even begin to describe to you how I am feeling. I'm going to sleep now, but I'm going to write in this as much as I feel is nessisary over this "break". I think this will be better than me writing you a letter..

hmm, neala told me to update so I guess I will. Yesterday I went out and got a new drum set.. yay I am officially broke now.. its awesome.. pearl sound check. My week has been pretty lame.. I got free weed from my stalker, I was happy haha. I smoked with jay before practice with my "heavy metal" band today.. it was funny.. literally 20 hits each on only one bowl. Chelsea called me and woke me up from my nap today and told me that I was going out to eat with them.. so I went to the old port with sandy, annie, and her and we went to "granny's" or something.. I had an orange cream soda to drink.. that shit is so good. After we went back to sandy's and hung out there for a while.. the chelsea and annie went to go get some vodka. Oh man, they are the crazyest drunks ever. Chelsea had the most and she was so fucking funny. Annie barely drank any, but she was fucked. Sandy and I were making fun of them the whole time.. Yep, now I'm home and I think I'm going to go to bed soon. YEAH AND CHELSEA SHOT FRUIT PUNCH IN MY EYE

the air we breath is pure pure as the monoxcide seeping into the expanse respiring to our lungs as we hold in with a gasp to sustain the addiction in which you can't live without flowing with an endless desire somehow you became my nicotine ---------------------------------- I wanted to let go I wanted to hate you I wanted to say no I wanted to not love you I wanted to move on I wanted to find somone else I wanted to not hurt I wanted to hurt you I wanted to make you suffer I wanted to be respected I wanted to be loved I wanted to be wanted I wanted to be needed I wanted to feel again I wanted to have the old you I wanted to be there for you I wanted to hold you I wanted to be with you I wanted to have you see that you were meant for me ---------------------------------- Imagine spending a lifetime in search of riding the perfect wave drifting the coast line day after day rain or shine always waiting craving the feeling dreaming the possibilities a never-ending drive to succeed when something comes that looks right something is always missing the gap is covered yet not filled countless mistakes colored in with knowledge that one day to find it that one day the searching will end and all will be complete all that has been to live for no longer do I feel empty for I have found my perfect wave

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction." from the book "choke" - by chuck palahniuk

Hmm, I randomly made up a new song today.. in about an hour.. pretty cool if you ask me. I havn't named it yet, enjoy.. tonight, the one that I'm missing tonight, the one that’s no different tonight, just being here alone just another place to let me in just another face in another fake skin when better is just another thing to blame and nothing will ever be the same tonight, where I be wandering tonight, for what I've been waiting tonight, when there’s no where else to go just another place to let me in just another face in another fake skin when better is just another thing to blame and nothing will ever be the same tonight, sitting here wishing tonight, for what I've been dreaming tonight, just hoping to see your face just another place to let me in just another face in another fake skin when better is just another thing to blame tonight, is where I'm waiting tonight, is where I'm staying tonight, is taking much to long

"I don't sleep like this." "I only sleep with my legs spread and something in-between them."

casey says my life could be a soap opera. I'd have to say that would be one really lame one.

happy new year to those of you who give a fuck..

The cold flakes of snow that fall from the sky floating aimlessly though the wind and somehow finding their way to the frozen december ground. This is how our mind works we can be so lost at times but yet eventually we all find our way and land in our own little blanket of white. An obsure sense of understanding. As the wind picks up I become blinded by the absence of color and the frigid flakes make their way to my face and melt away to nothing on my skin. At times we feel desperate with confusion and such bitter hate and fear theres comes a point where you feel worthless but you always are something to someone. And that someone is always there.