i sometimes feel as though everything is fake. i try to say what's on ym mind and how i feel all the time when i think it's appropriate, but i can't. i'm so worried that one day it's jsut all going to crash, collapse under the weight of everyone. i feel like i'm so useless, probably cause i am. now i must go, with many things to think about.

wow it's been an extremely long time. things have been ok. i'm in the middle of exams, then prom. i honestly use this just to have a source to let out my "naughty" stories. well, lately i've been in the computer lab at my school alot, and i've been chatting with the computer guy. so we've been talking and whatnot, i fill him in on some new things, he tells me abotu computers, we talk about politics and the world and the weather. the problem is that he is a teacher and he is 39. well wtv, we were talking and we started talking about relationships, what type of person we like blah blah blah and he described me exactly. i gave him this questionable look, and he asks if i would like to go and get icecream with him. i say yes, but i have to finish what i'm working on. so half an hour later, i meet him at a bus stop not too close to school. so we go and get icecream and chat some more especially about art and comic books. apparently he has quite a collection (which turned out to be true! oops ruining the surprise!) so i decided to be a bit forward and asked if he would ever like to show it to me. so we take the bus to his place, a nice little appartment right off of a main street. we go up and in the elevator jstu stare at each other. then we went into his apparentment and in his office which consists of a humble desk and two computers and a couple of filing cabinets with simple padlocks. so we look at some of the old batman comics, some superman and some creepy. so he goes and get us some lemonade and when he comes back, he leans on the counter and then i look around and he's just smiling. i turn fully around walk slowly towards him, take my lemonade and drink, always keeping eye contact. i chose to be bold again and i tell him nothing bellow the belt, he says yes. i put down my lemonade, look back at him, and we kiss. we were glued to the couch topless for an hour, when i realized that i had to go. he says "i want to see you again outside of school" i tell him it will happen. i put on my clothes grab my stuff, he takes my hand gives me another kiss and i leave. it was incredible. i can't explain it.

i'm exhausted, not because of sex, but because i was up super late last night. let me explain: i came back from driking with my friends at around 1 yesterday, and my britain friend came on. i met him in a bar about 6 months ago, and i havnt spoken to him in at least three months so it was nice. we started chatting, and he asked if i've ever sucked dick, and i answered the truth (hells ya!) and he asked if i've ever sucked british dick, which i havn't. so he then turns on his webcam, and has no shirt on. he said, how bout you? i turn on my webcam, and take off my shirt. we continue talking for a while, then i said that i felt kinda bored so i get up, turn on some crapy dancing music and start strip dancing for him. he starts jacking off, and i continue stripping to absolutely nothing! it was hot. that's all i have to say, peace!

i met this guy at a concert last weekend. wednesday night, we met up at starbucks to get to know each other. we went to my house cause my parents were out of town. you can just guess what happened. it was nice and soft, yet rough and sensual. sadly he's from tennassee (god i cant spell that), so he only visits here cause his uncle lives here, so he comes about twice a year. hopefully my parents wont be at home next time too. he already wrote me an e-mail. he sent some of the pictures he took of me (no they're not porn). they're really nice and pretty.

my school is so bad when it comes to guys, there's no one who you would want to talk to. the only people who you could have a decent conversation with are the teachers. some of tehm are pretty fucking hot!!! i have to say! i've had crushes on teachers before, it never happens, and you never have a good feeling inside. ha! ironic i'm listening to we dont need no education by pink floyd.

my friend told me about this, i thought it was a good idea. i'm not quite sure what to put here. most of my thoughts are just jumbled up. oh well. we shall see what happens. i just broke up with my boyfriend mat. he was lowsy at sex. i must congratulate him on his size though, it was impressive. he was a better boyfriend than mike. he was just an asshole.