so things are crap again. noticing a pattern. i dont need this thing unless something bad happens. i should've known from the way things started out. so i got with this girl at a party, and then we started seeing each other. i just got really jealous and paranoid. and i screwed things up. and its over now. i think im doing pretty well. feeling like an idiot, embarassed...sense of loss... normal?

so the party was good.

i havent been on for a while. making the best of winter vacation... nothing much has happened either. jason and trish broke up. he wont tell me what actually happened, but its not really my business. he's been really miserable because of it. not many people aren't i guess. this song is very appropriate. ummmm...theres a b'day party on friday night, looking forward to not remembering it, hopefully i'll see the usual party go-ers... perhaps i will post details...perhaps not....

well thats just me, when we all went fishing. it was such a cold, crappy day. i dont really like this photo. i dont think it looks like me...or i dont want it to...or something. i only put it on because i like reading other people's diaries with pictures. so i went back to school and i didnt really see any of the kelly's....maybe they're bored with me. maybe its over. being kissed in the library by some easy chick was like a dream until it actually happened, you know? i'd rather be the one to kiss a nice girl...in...not the library. so i really hope its over. but im a bit over it to, like before i was in like a state of shock or something, but after my recuperation day im over it, like i was being a bit neurotic...however you spell it.

well i recieved some more pictures from jason. im pretty sure he or bianca took them when we all used to hang out and stuff... but i only have two, so to make it last, i'll do them one at a time. this is another one with bianca, but when she dyed her hair pink/reddish...and i think its at her house too... *deja vu* i didnt go to school today. im sick of those "bambi bitches" laughing all the time, i just cant take it. im too sensitive. i really need to...you know...not be so sensitive. i guess i just need a day to myself so i can get my head together and stuff... its nice that people send me all those supportive comments, it really helps... thanks...

i was actually on msn the other day and jason said he was going through all these photos he had taken with his camera, like almost a year ago now. and he sent me this one, which was quite nice. its me and my ex down at this pizza place... we look happy, which is funny, because i dont really remember it. i dont associate happiness with bianca at all. nothing else has happened since kelly kissed me...her and her friends just laugh everytime i walk past, which is sort of embarrassing. just something else to add to the pile. im such a loser.

i feel like such a whore, lol. i really do, i feel cheap and used. i never thought i'd feel like this. im such a pansy. but i like girls. i didnt think it would be so easy, all i had to do was NOTHING. so i was in the library at school, in the non fiction section trying to find this stupid book my history teacher advised that i read, when this chick kelly (mentioned previously) came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes, and did that whole guess who thing. i said brody dalle and she let go, i turned around, but i was still really close to her. she kissed me before i even knew it. it was rediculous. she laughed and ran out. i told jason, who is sort of in with that crowd (his girlfriend trish hangs out in the same group)and he said that they heard my name mentioned a couple of times. they think im a geek, but they also think im cute. anyway, kelly is just getting her kicks or something. im not gonna let it go to my head. fuck, i wonder if bianca has heard.

hrmmmm...the last few weeks have been weird. im getting alot of attention from girls who havent really been that interested in me...ever, really. in any aspect of life that is. this chick kelly, who is sort of like...the town bike (everyone's been for a ride)(thats what someone told me anyway, i dont really know, or care) has been coming up to me during my study period and flirting with me, like totally over the top. her and all her friends wave to me and yell stuff out to me. i dont know whether or not its a joke. because i've never been on that sort of scene before. i dont know whether to be embarrassed or flattered. who knows. they confuse the hell out of me.

not much has happened lately. i havent been on in ages. thanks giving was very low key for us, as usual. i guess its been that way for a while. its just an excuse to eat all the junk we want i guess. although, its not like we aren't greatful for everything, we are. my mom always says my dad was into "that sort of thing", so we don't do much. jason had all his relatives over, so i didnt go round there, which i do almost every day, which is funny. although, i havent been round there as much lately, i feel like a third wheel when trish is around. i hope y'all had a good one...

i have nothing to say really. im a bit bored. and a bit boring. i have nothing to rant about, nothing to be angry at. i've had plenty of bad times, and done plenty of stupid things. just ask me about them, im an idiot! so i guess its time for things to level off. because there's always something, and something will come up again, but for now, i can relax. no dramas. okay...cool.

things are going pretty well i guess. i dont really have much to update about... i just do what i normally do. i havent been thinking about bianca, which is what i normally talk about on this thing. im completely over it. okay, so how about you?

everything is wonderful now.

im so tired. nothing much is going on, im just updating for the sake of it. trish and jason are officially going out together, which is nice. ummm..that's all.

halloween party. sounds fun right? it was out of control. everyone went nuts like i've never seen...it was not unlike the smashing pumpkins 1979 video clip...where they teepea the tree and stuff... costumes were awesome though...jason and i were old style mob guys. you know, suits, drawn on moustaches, hats and suspenders. we looked good. but last night was...terrible. i got really drunk and...i shouldn't have...i really dont like promoting underage drinking. i was having a terrible time..and drinking made it worse. i got really depressed. i cant really remember much of it, but apparently i was stumbling, not making sense...you know. that sort of stuff...jason helped me home. he just lives down the road from me, so it was planned...but i didnt plan to be that intoxicated. i feel like such an idiot. i didnt go to school today, i only woke two hours ago. it's 5 pm. everyone from school was at that party. i hope no one noticed. tim keeps talking really loudly to me, which really hurts. i havent seen my mum yet, but shes pissed off. i did the dishes, so hopefully she wont be too pissed off. thats it. how was ur halloween?

im going to a halloween party tonight. it starts at 10.30 and goes till 1am. and its sunday. which is stupid. im waiting for jason to get here. we're gonna walk there together. he's meeting trish there, which is good for him. im so glad. he's happier, which is what he deserves, although he feels he doesnt because of what happened with stacy. and he really loved stacy too... im not really that excited...it just means im going to be tired at school tomorrow, although thats not unusual... i spose i might meet someone there. im trying to keep myself open to the prospect... jason isnt drinking tonight...i might not either. i dont usually, but im feeling different tonight. well, he just rang my phone twice, he's here. until next time...

why cant i sleep?! the other night i was on the internet because i couldnt sleep, on this very thing, and my brother woke up to go to the bathroom or something and saw me and was like "go to sleep you weirdo, typing away at 3 am". but i cant help it. i cant turn off my brain. and im oh so tired. i think i wont go to school tomorrow. im too wiped out. too dead. i only go to school for the company i keep. but i can see them on monday if i dont go to school tomorrow... but mom will hassle me into going. i cant think of anything worse right now. on a lighter note, i just got msn. i need to contemporize. but i suck at computers. anyway, msn is so confusing, i dont know how to use it very well. i went on and tried to put a background on and ended up sending someone some sort of file... who knows? everyone but me. well, im gonna give msn another crack, then try sleeping again...

i've been playing video games with jason all afternoon, practically. he keeps beating me all the time. which makes him want to play more, and me less. that kid has too much time. but then again, there isnt that much to do around here. i gotta go do some work. i was just updating for the sake of updating.

im so relieved! i had a speech figured out in my head, where i would let her down gently, but then she started talking and i got really angry and i started yelling at her about how i was over her and she should accept it and she didnt scream back like i thought she would she just quietly said okay and apologized. shes probably never apologized to anyone in her life. i feel like its really over now. and about time. i spose we were going out for a long time. is 6 months long? seems like it. in regards to how short life is i guess. and its the weekend too! yay!

she rang me. i told her i was busy. brushed her off as quickly as i could. i told her to meet me at the swings around the corner from school, but then i rang back and cancelled it until tomorrow. i need to prepare a speech or something. "bianca, i hate you now. being with you was torture and breaking up with you was one of the best and smartest things i ever did." how do i make that sound nice? i'll find a way...i always do. the sound of her voice makes my skin crawl. i dont want this. i really dont. i let her get away with being the way she is too many times and now its too late and she thinks she can walk all over me. shes crazy. i think shes actually insane. whats the diagnosis? i'll think of something while im NOT sleeping. if not, i'll just have to improvise.

today was one of the weirdest days of my life. i came home from school and bianca (my exgirlfriend, who i endlessly talk about on this thing), was sitting on my porch. it was so bizarre, she was being NICE. and it was the strangest thing, she kept talking about how we should be friends, even though she wants to be more than friends with me. i told her we tried that but it didnt work, and it hurt me, and she was the most difficult person to get along with. she started crying. things like that go through my head all the time when i cant sleep at night. but none of my scenarios had the outcome of today. she started crying, and in my head i was saying just go inside, but instead i comforted her! i finally got her to go and she said she'd call me and i said it was okay. i dont want to lead her on. shes the bitch that haunts my dreams and i comforted her. i feel so stupid. i really dont want to get back together with her. i dont want her to think that we have a chance to be together again. we had a few good times, but they are all outweighed by the bad. and i dont love her anymore. i dont think she ever loved me. i REALLY dont want her back in my life. what goes through her head!?