Staring out the window The sensation of the rain, Watching the puddle form on the ledge, she weeps. Her quiet sobs for the injustice of it all, for being kept in the dark. Her cry is of her pain. The confusion of what to feel now. She fears what she is, and what she is not Who she is, and who she's meant to be. Curling up with her only childhood friend, her sense of coming disaster. She turns on that msuic again to tune out all she knows. She hears the percusive beat strengthening the blows.

Whyyyyyyy?

Always on the go And never want to stay. I can't help but wonder If you think it's better that way.

I need a little piece of mind, But I don't wanna pay. So give it to me softly Every minute every day.

Today is a Saturday. We were supposed to have our first competition. We didn't. Off from soccer. Monday practice, Tuesday, game, band practice, Wednesday, practice, Thursday game band practice, Friday Stevie's wedding, Saturday, game, Band competition. I really wish I had a best friend. But not if it's going to be them. There are just so many things. Firstly, I don't appreiate how Mari talks about EVERYONE. I can't help but wonder if she talks about me too. Steph is the same as she always was, and I still don't know what to do as far as her. Krisi is the same and she's just out there. It seems like one day she'll like me another day she won't. I can't break into that group. I want so badly to be part of a group. Maybe that's why I'm not. I don't know. All I know is I can count the friends I have there : Mari, Steph, Krisi, Lips, Lex, Bert, Emilia, Topher. No one else likes me that much, and I'm not relaly sure if they all even like me. All I know is that Bert has his own group with people I don't like. Lex does too. Topher is way younger than me. Emilia has Melissa. Lips has Mike and Kristin. And the other three have each other. Where do I fit in? With Cory, who isn't there. Have I grown dependent on him? I don't know. And then there's always the thought of do I like him or not. I mean of course I like him, but sometimes I wonder if I love him. There's nothing I hate more than words without meaning. And I'm so stressed about school this year. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm screwed for getting into the colleges I'd always hoped for. My scoers aren't gonna be high enough, my grades aren't high enough. I just suck. I hate feeling like this, and I hate thinking about it. I always overanalyze myself.

Flatter me by trying to remember that time when we took flight. Above the clouds, over the choppy seas, yet everything felt right. I'm torn to pieces now, I don't know what to do, how could you tear my heart in two? like that so remember that time when we felt alright, I know you do. I'm a mess when I remember how I felt so strong in your embrace. I am torn, indecisive. I need you to fix it. I don't have you, I have toers. You're replaceable. Double bum point, fake.

They're lost. A sea of broken spirits, trying to replace their minds. They're tired, weary of disant places so familiar, impossible to find. And they say, you know they're in a better place, they won't hurt anymore And while you know this should be comforting, You're mourning your loss.. But we all feel that way sometimes. They're gone, but the good is that you'll find them again one day. They're no longer suffering, and you will live to see a better day. As long as you remember all they told you, taught you, all they loved you, They will never be gone, from your soul. Not lost. They find their way to you. While you're sleeping, dreaming, reminiscing they are watching over you. They're in your dreams protecting you from fear. No more fear.

Sitting beside you staring at the T.V. it's making me wonder If you can feel me I reach out to touch you to make sure you're there. Your hand is so cold Your touch isn't tender Honestly tell me, Is this fair? And I'm told it's time to let go. There's a rhyme and reason, time and place, And everything has it's own season. Just please give me my damn space. Those three words we used and those three we abused Used them in their own name and we disgraced them. Long overdue are the words in my mind but when I try to talk I can't find. And I'm told it's time to let go. There's a rhyme and reason, time and place, And everything has it's own season. Just please give me my damn space. I hint at it trying to find the words. I just can't come right out and say it. I wonder if you're feeling the same way? Oh please, be feeling the same way...

So this is what it’s like, Being a wallflower. Watching everyone else destroy each other In silent awe. If you blend in the background, You won’t be hurt again. Already being destroyed from the inside, Couldn’t take it from outside. Intimidation, fear, weakness. I’m terribly tired of crying. Sometimes, when I look in the mirror And say my name, It doesn’t seem real. Things slip away through my fingertips. When I open my eyes, I see nothing, I feel nothing. I panic trying to see something. But I can’t. I can’t. I’m invisible and yet defined. The perks non-existent. I’m scared by movement. Sickened by touch. This feeling that tells me I’m never enough. I’m not worth a damn, The tragedy: I know it. Unrealistic fits seize my body. The mental part finally overwhelms the physical. The nature of this freedom to move convulsively Is calming to the senses. Is this what I’ve been waiting for? I’d die to feel infinite.

Last stand I know it’s hard to understand, But I’m tired of doing what I’m told. And as much as I like what we have, I must say, it’s getting old. I’m unhappy and pensive, unsure what to do. After all, all I really wanted was you. It’s been two years but it feels like ten. I’m sixteen, I want to feel young again. I panic, I’m nervous, this is far too deep. I’m in, and you know I never learned to swim And of course these memories I know we’ll both keep. But the periodic worry shows this isn’t a whim… Sical thing. But I’m blind, and depending on you, To be perfectly honest you’re not coming through. You never bothered to learn or comprehend The true reason I think our relationship should end.

What willllll she think of next?

Today I went to the beach. I definitely got burned. I went with jumping white boy. Nearly drowned. Game. We lost. vs. South. Bummer.. This weekend is team camp.

It just hit me today. One of my best friends is moving away. That's all.

I used to have a SITdiary. A long time ago. So I decided to make a new one. I'm not sure why. This past week was my birthday. I turned 16. I don't feel much of anything... Kinda messed up in the head. We played a joke on a friend and it got to me. Oh well.