On Wednesday, I decided that I needed to do some shopping. I was going to meet a friend at Westroads mall. I went there a bit before she did. While browsing around in Dicks Sporting Goods, I notice a commotion with the sales clerks. One approaches me and the few other women standing there in that area, asks us not to panic and he needs us to proceed downstairs. I ask why. "Because there is a man firing a gun in Von Maur." When I left the mall, they weren't sure what was going on inside. They told us if we were parked in the immediate area to run to our cars and exit the parking lot. I was escorted out of a mall by two armed police officers because someone "snapped" and felt the need to cause harm and kill innocent people.

I was sitting on my couch the other day when it seemed that everything that happened in the past 7 months hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't catch my breath. I was shaking but yet, I couldn't move. It was unlike anything I've ever felt before. And then, I cried. Deep gutwrenching sobs. I called Sarah and just cried. I couldn't control it. I had to get it out. And my therapist told me this would happen. I just didn't think it would happen now. I was here, all alone. Maybe it was that. The "alone" part of things. I had all the time in the world to just think. I really just...let it sink in. But yet, at the end of it all, while the pain was still there, I realized something. One day, not today by any means, but one day... I will be ok. And thats something to look foward to. I have alot to work on. Many issues to work past. But I am determined that I will make it. Sometimes, its ok to admit that you need a helping hand. I admitted it. I still do. I know that what I'm going through, I can't do it alone. And with that knowledge, I extend my hand to anyone who needs it. Its ok to cry. Its ok to hurt. Its....ok.

I was going through the list of moods this place has and realized that I feel "dandy". Because by "dandy" i mean "ass fucked with a tree with the fire in my anus lube". Yes, thats correct folks. "Fire in my anus" Now most normal people would associate dandy with a good, positive feeling. Though, since nothing positive is happening to dear Spegan as of late, I take it to mean the above definition. Apparently, there are ZERO psychiatrists in my area that are covered by my health insurance. None. Not a single fucking one. Now, I know that there are crazies in this area for its a rather large city. You'd think that maybe, my job would want sane people to work for them. Then I remember alot of my coworkers and that we're all insane. Thus my confusion has ended on a high note. I've been enjoying my guitar hero alot lately. I don't suck as bad anymore. Which is quite good for me. Random note: when i tried to type the word "good" there, I typed "food". Cause I friggen rock!! What happens when Batman has a bit too much beer. Peace

Had a long talk with a good friend last nite. Got a lot of shit off my chest. Still...shit is bad. But, soon, I will have pictures!

I wasn't a sucker for online journals. now is not that time. Howdy.