This not-being-able-to-sleep thing started to kick in every night after that. It was when all the fear began to kick in, when I felt like I needed garlic and holy water to keep me safe. I remember laying in bed one night with holy water, saying the Hail Mary probably one hundred times that night. I poured half of the water around me, praying and bawling at the same time, clutching my mom's bible, and rapidly drinking the rest of the holy water. And I remember that I kept looking at all the pictures pasted around my room of models and my friends. Their eyes all stared into mine and I began to wonder if they were vampires. I felt like vampires were watching me. I wore a cross around my neck that night that nobody could make me take off, and I didn't care if it choked me in my sleep. At least I got to sleep that night. I don't remember how. But night feels so long, sometimes. So I kept my mouth shut. Eventually, something else came into the picture. It's a topic I'm still too afraid to mention. It was demons. Apparently, all this was moving too fast. Less than a month ago, I had been dreaming about flowers and kissing someone I was apparently in love with, but not seeing their faces... how romantic. All corrupted. My dreams were gone, they wouldn't come back even if I could get to sleep. My mind had been occupied with nothing but Taylor and Maya's voices. They told me that the demons talked to them. I almost died of fear that night. I called my mother over to my bedside and wouldn't let her leave until I fell asleep. I wouldn't tell her what was going on, just that I wanted her there. My mom isn't stupid, but she didn't force me to tell her what I didn't want to. The next day, and the day after, came a new story. I tried not to listen, I really did. But I couldn't stop. I remember once I began yelling and I closed my eyes in fear because I couldn't handle it. I even cried. During lunch one day, Maya, Taylor, Fran and I, were talking, as our usual routine. Maya had told us that she woke up because a vampire bit her. I asked her to show me where. "My stomache." She replied. She wasn't as afraid as I was, asking her with tears in my eyes. I asked her to show me, and she did. And as she promised, there were two cuts an inch away from each other on the side of her flat stomache. My heart beat went so fast I couldn't feel it anymore.

I didn't talk to Brett for a long time after that. I simply went on as if I had never spoken to him, attempting to forget during the day, and remembering during the night. Unfourtunatly. This was the beginning of a very long story. My friends and I, Christine, Nicole, Sasha, Fran, and Cheyenne were fairly normal. Occasionally we'd have these problems which revolved around a "C" in English or the pains of being in an all girls school; how sometimes we wanted to break free and run to boys. Or how we loved our school, despite all the females. We could eat as much as we want, we always pantsed each other, never wore makeup. Who gave a fuck? It was all stupid shit. Like Laguna Beach and how guys can trick you into having sex with them. Luckily, we never fell into these problems. You could say I fell into worse. Bluntly, I was the fuck-up. The one with the slightly lower grade-point average, the only one that ever had more than one "real" boyfriend (which ended very badly). I was always the one that never opened up in fear of getting hurt; who never trusted anyone, particularily boys. If I ever opened up, (which is a rare sight) to someone other than my closest friends, it is because I convince myself these people are different; different than Dillan. These "different people" have always ended up kicking me hard in the ass to the point where I am emotionally numb. Nobody could hurt me anymore if they tried. And they tried. They still do. I was the one that guys called "hot," not "beautiful." I'm the one that gets mad easily, I'm the one you can ignore. I was the one that fell into all the bad shit. The terrible, horrible, most frightening SHIT this world can possibly ever fall into. And I was the one who fell into this. It's always me. And it always sucks. To say the least. Anyways. Try to imagine the most frightening thing that can happen in the world. It may be as abnormal as possible. Because that was what this was; abnormal and unnatural. I kept my distance from Brett, but unfourtunatly, we have this strange bond that I figured out. Even when I don't talk to him, nor hear anything about him, I can actually feel how he feels. I think it's because his feelings are so strong, they come to me. This feeling came again. I walked over to Taylor. It was a sunny day in Winter, sometime after Christmas. Taylor was looking awfully unusual these past days, but I figured she was going through a tough time. I knew the reality of it though, anything that was happening abnormally/scarily/insanely... Taylor knew. Taylor always had something to do with it. She was the highly insightful one, the one you could never truly understand, you could never figure her out. So, she must've known what was going on with Brett. I asked her. "Lara, I can't tell you." Usually, she never was this serious. I replied by telling her that Brett told me some of the story. She sighed deeply and went into a dumb story about how her dreams and that she sees vampires in them and that it was all true. That vampires existed or something. Oh, and she added she was a vampire slayer. Yeah, okay. Bullshit. I really, really don't know why I believed her. I guess it was the tone of her voice. Plus, I've known her for three years. Taylor was no one to lie about these things. Fran was with me through everything that Taylor ever told me. Everything I knew, Fran knew. At times I believed she knows me better than I know myself. Which doesn't make any sense because I just said that everything I knew, Fran knew, and if she knows something about me, that I don't, then that doesn't make sense. But nothing makes sense when we're dealing with "vampires." I mean, this is Earth, I'm talking about, not Buffy the Fuckin Vampire Bitch Slayer. We lived in a world where everyone is concerened about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. I think that if vampires existed, someone would say something, right? Wrong. Stories were told throughout the days about the weird encounters Taylor had with vampires. Maya, she was the new one. I met her in the beginning of the year and she seemed pretty normal. She was a model, with long brown hair and sixteen pounds of eyeliner. Normal, and gorgeous. She was the one that got... injured... the most. I guess, you could say for now. I don't want to give any of it away, but that's the truth. I didn't really believe in any of these stories. Well, I did. But I never understood it. Over time, I felt myself grow distant from my other friends. My normal friends. I missed them, but these stories... I was so dumb to get into it in the first place, that I couldn't bring myself out. I stupidly believed in everything that came out of Taylor and Maya's mouths. And they were telling the truth, too. They never lied to me.

In the beginning, it all seems the same. We all begin easy. We make promises that never last. Your first day of high school... when you've promised yourself to have the body that all the girls envied, to be the girl all the guys wanted, to have straight A's... popularity. And whatever. We never keep promises, not even to ourselves. In the beginning, I was a child. I still am. I am the one who still awakens in the middle of the night, screaming my mother's name because of a nightmare. But not just any nightmare; a nightmare where they're after me. Because they can only reach me in my dreams.

"BRETT! I'm so hyper!" I was acting stupid. I guess it was because I liked him. "What?" "What's wrong? You sound upset." My voice wasn't as serious as it should have been. How bad could it be? "I can't tell you." He said, somewhat scared. "Come on, Brett." "Lara, I don't want you to get into this." He was serious. "Please, Brett." I was hoping he'd say something ridiculous like 'I love you.' "You'll never believe me." I laughed. "We'll see about that." He sighed deeply, and I figured he wasn't going to say something sweet. But something outlandish. And unbelieveable. "My friend is a vampire." I stifled a laugh. Then coughed to cover it up. "Uhm, what?" I held in my laughter. He couldn't of expected me to believe this. "It's a long story... My friend's father is in the Royal Family." "The Royal Family? Come on, Brett." I couldn't help to feel like this was impossible. This was only, only in those romantic vampire stories I used to read. Like the one with the mortal girl who was kidnapped by this really attractive vampire who happened to be the son of Dracula of the Royal Family to impress his father and inherit his throne. Such bullshit. "Lara, I'm serious." "Yeah? Okay, Brett. Have you seen her father?" "Yes!" "How? If he can't be in the sunshine." "Lara, do you know what vampires are? It's not those hot guys that are lurking in the dark with an errection. They can be in the sunshine, just not that long." I remember I had a heart when it began throbbing in the middle of my chest. I was metal to the magnet. I told myself not to believe this. "Lara, you don't understand." "Brett, I understand. I believe you." I said quickly. Maybe if I believed him and supported him, he'd like me more. "Okay. Well, her dad is making her become a vampire. They're going to have a ceremony and everything. And she doesn't want to be a vampire. And now that her father knows that I'm helping her, he wants to kill me. The Royal Family is going to go after all those who know." And I knew. Gee, thanks, Brett. "So he's after you?" "Yes. He's going to kill me. They want to overthrow the world." This has got to be a joke. "This isn't a joke." He read my mind. I started laughing. I hung up. This was stupid. "Overthrow the world. Hah. Yeah, and I have a penis." I joked sarcastically, to try to get my mind off. But I had to go to sleep. And I never slept that night.

I understand it to be the wanting to know. Young people these days, and I sound like a hypocrite, want to know everything. They think that the way out of reality is their mind. Sometimes, their minds go far deep into... unnaturalness. If that's even a word. If it's not, it's the only word to describe it. Some use drugs to escape, some use sleep, or blood. Anything. Because there's got to be more to the world than the sky. There's got to be more than work. Or routine things. Life can get so boring. Sometimes, we lead ourselves to believe there is something else. We turn to fairy tales, movies, music. Vampires. Mermaids. Exorcisms. Other plains of existance. Are they real? No. They're not real. But what if you can make them real? What if you can see them? If they talked to you, what would they say? What if you heard them? What if... your best friend... was seriously... messed up.

“Do you remember what we talked about yesterday?” She spoke. “About grades?” I asked, on the way to the office. “No...About friends.” The way to the hall grew hazy and I felt myself about to faint. I wish I did, then I wouldn’t have to speak. “Yes.” I tried to keep my voice sane. I strained to keep myself from looking back to Cassie. “You told me everything was okay with you and your friends.” She said. We were walking slow, but I wanted to run extremly far away from here. And I would’ve, but she would hold me back. I knew it. I nodded, not knowing what to say. I sped up a little to keep up with her. I decided I would deny anything and everything. I would not be weak. Teachers always pried things out of me, they take advantage of my honesty which always killed me. Not this time. “Your mother is here.” She said, not knowing what my reaction would be. I tried to keep it cool, because I would’ve screamed. They know now, everything. My mom told them everything. I stepped into the tiny room, and surely my mother was sitting there. I wanted to yell at her, but I couldn’t. She stood up and hugged me painfully tight, there were tears in her eyes, staring at her daughter and the scary things people have done to her. She wasn’t disapointed in me, no. It was everything that happened to me. It made me disapointed in myself. “Have a seat, honey.” The conselor spoke. Many a time I have sat in here to talk about unimportant things. This time, I forced myself to sit. “What’s going on, honey?” She spoke. She kept calling me honey to make it seem like she wanted to help. But I knew nobody, not even her, could help me now. I shrugged. I wouldn’t tell her. My mom began. “Lara. You have to tell her the truth.” “I already know everything.” She added. And I knew she did. But this wasn’t fair. “You have to tell them.” My mom forced. Tears came to my eyes, which made me upset. “I don’t want to do this.” I said. I was being weak. They wouldn’t get it this easy. “You have to, honey. Please. You’re not going to get in trouble. We’re here to help. You’re not going to get expelled or in trouble. We just want to know what is going on so we can help. Because I could tell how afraid you are, it’s no way to live. Did somebody tell you that if you told anyone, you would get hurt?” How did she know this? “Please don’t make me do this.” I pleaded. “You have to, honey.” I covered my face with my hands and sobbed. “I don’t want to do this.” I repeated, because they wouldn’t understand. “It’s okay, Lara. Did someone threaten you? Lara...Look at me.” I honestly couldn’t look up. I continued bawling. I tried to stop, but I knew I was already ruined. I wiped my eyes, looking back at my hands which were drenched with wet mascara. I looked to her, forcibly. “You’re not in trouble. Now can you tell me what happened?” She said as sweetly as possible. I covered my face again, she handed me a box of tissues which didn’t even seem like enough. Nothing could stop me now. “Can I ask you something?” I finally managed to say. “Sure.” She didn’t know what she was in for. I wiped my face a little, clearing up. “Where’s Maya?” I wanted to know. The conselor sat, leaned forward, with her hands folded. She was let down because she couldn’t answer it. “I can’t tell you that, honey.” I began crying harder. I didn’t want to end up like Maya. “Is she okay?” I felt like it was the next best thing to ask. She didn’t answer, she just stared, not wanting to answer, but it was the least she could do. “She’s getting help.” She replied. I couldn’t stand it. I was going to vomit all over them, both. But I held it down. “Will you explain everything?” She finally said. I had to; there was no other way out.

The winter was relatively warm that year. I remember all of the girls in my school going home that day, except for her. It was January, an unusual time for the sun to come out and shine, going to the beach, but nothing went usual this season. At least, not now. School had just gone out, Cassie and I stood near an advertisement, my friends, my normal friends, were sitting on a bench a close distance. I looked in their direction, knowing they wouldn't look back. Had it been a month earlier, I would've hugged them and laughed at stupid jokes. I missed sanity. I fought the tears from my eyes as Cassie began slamming her head in the advertisement of a school event. She told me how afraid she was and that she didn't want the school to know, although they did. I told her I could kill the person who told and then I began yelling, not too loud, but there was an increase in my voice. There were tears in my eyes and I told her that I could get expelled and I'm so afraid and everyone told me I was going to die. Then I told her it would be okay. My friends who I didn't know then, missed me too. They looked to each other, shocked, listening to what I was crying about. They were wondering desperatly what the true story was, than what was being spread around the school. They wouldn't dare ask me. They were too afraid of the truth. If what was being told around the school was true, I would surely be sent to an asylum and tramatized forever. They continued listening as I told Cassie that I just wanted to forget. I told her that girls are so stupid these days, that there was more to the world than Laguna Beach. Later, I guess Cassie and I were the only two girls left in the fortress of our Catholic All-girls high school, with the exception of some other few doing homework a good distance away from our voices. As we waited for our mothers to come, we grew impatient. I said goodbye to another friend, I don't remember who it was. I turned and Cassie was gone. I still felt she was there, so I looked for her. The first place I decided to go, I found her. She was near the white roses next to the halls. She was smiling, with waterfalls on her cheeks. I asked her what was wrong, though I already knew. She didn't really answer so I kept prying and attempting to try and understand her. But nobody could understand us. She continued giggling insanely with thick salty tears sliding off her face, drenching her cheeks. I told her the worst way to cry is when you start laughing. She laughed harder and nodded before I started crying with her. We bawled as she talked about Brett and what was happening to us. It made me cry harder when she started talking about Maya, and why she had to leave school early today. So we ran through the empty halls and we fell, laughing hysterically at our tears and how frightened we were and how we didn't believe in anything they said, but it somehow scared us. A teacher, the dean, actually was passing by and she saw the tears in our eyes and the volume of our laughter. She questioned us and I replied that we were simply laughing at a joke, and naturally led us to tears. She smiled, not quite believing us, but knowing our situation, and clicked her heels away. We found ourselves sprawled across the cold green grass. The sky had many clouds and we never stopped laughing. Eventually we began talking, trying to keep our tears in. "There's gonna be a war." She said. I didn't look to her, but I kept staring at the clouds. I don't think she noticed, but whenever we lay looking at clouds, she would say the same thing. That she used to believe that God was up in the clouds on one side. The devil would be on the other side, and they'd be fighting back and fourth. I never agreed with this. I never gave the devil that much credit. Considering I had been raised in a private school. The catholic church never brainwashed me, but I had my beliefs. I didn't care for many of the rules they restricted, but I've always believed in God. More than others, actually. I had proof of God. I wondered where my mom was, and what was taking her so long to get here. I listened as Cassie told me about her worries. I told her that I never trusted anyone. We got back into talking about the highly discreet and frightening subject, which only insane people could understand. We watched the thick, cumulous clouds move slowly across the sky. "So do you think they're real?" I asked, I already knew the answer. "Hahahahh...I don't know anymore. No. No, I don't. I really don't." She replied. "Don't you kind of wish they were?" I started laughing again. "Yes!" We both started crying, too. She looked to me, I wouldn't take my eyes off the sky. I always believed God was so far up there. I couldn't see him, but I could feel him. "I mean, don't you wish they were real? As an excuse" I paused for air inbetween laughter "for our insanity?!" we laughed until we almost passed out. Something had to interrupt. “Lara?” A very professional voice spoke. I looked up, it was the conselor. “Shit,” I whispered to Cassie. “It’s my turn to go.” I didn’t want to go. “Yes?” I answered. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” “Sure.” I said across the lawn. I was afraid. I knew what this was about. It was the moment I had been dreading. I took a clever amount of time to hug Cassie to whisper in her ear. “What do I tell her?” I grew nervous. “I don’t know.” She said. “The truth.” And the truth... well... the truth... will set me free. Literally. I will be doomed for sure. I walked away with the conselor, still looking at Cassie, her light brown hair was slightly messy from the grass, her cheeks red. My heart was pounding. I wasn’t ready to admit anything, anything at all.

new story because im gay.