this whole entry is really only to track the happenings of the whole LAURA situation, for those who are as entertained as it by me. so, just so we all know what exactly happened. laura used to be this nice, innocent girl who rarely drank and was like...the "mother" of the group. and now she's turned into something that i cant even tolerate. there's been feild parties lately, and she's been drinking her ass off and slutting it up hardcore at them. for example, she made out with Adam for booze, wtf...who does that? Then there's this guy Sanj, who I WAS into for a while. There's also this guy Dustin who I've been slightly interested in. This past Saturday I went to the regular party, and Sanj and Dustin were BOTH there. Sanj was really really stoned so he wasnt even talking, and I was bored by him so I was with Dustin. Apparently Sanj got mad at me because the only reason he came that night was to be with me, or something. So he was abou to leave. But then LAURA wanted to "see why he was mad at me" so those two went off. And instead of talking, Laura and Sanj make out, Laura rips open her top and undoes her bra for him. She's never done that for a guy, not even a guy she's dating...let alone a guy she's known for one night. Then she comes to ME asking me to do up her bra. At this point I didnt know that it happened. I was oblivious. Then Laura started picking fights with girls, which is moronic. She's throwing the word slut all over the place when SHE was the sluttiest one there that night. So she left the party, and then came back later. We're walking home and she tells me about Sanj, not the whole story...all I know is is that she made out with Sanj. I find out the next day that she did more. So I'm a tad bit pissed off, actually more like LIVID. I dont understand how someone could throw away all self respect, and all thoughts of friendship to do that. I mean, she BROKE THE GIRL CODE. You just DONT do that. You DONT do stuff with a guy you know your friend likes. And I'm also superannoyed because Laura is trying to be something she's not, and getting a shitty reputation in the process. So we go back to school on Monday, I'm still pissed. Laura knows that so she's afraid to talk to me. The chick she started a fight with started bitching at her. blahblahblah. The entire day was funny. Until that night when a friend of both of ours started bitching at me, telling me I'M the bad one in this situation. Not to sound bitchy or anything, but honestly...what reason does anyone have to be mad at ME?! What did I do that night? Was I a superslut? No. Was I picking fights with chicks? No. I was very controlled, and permanently attached to one boy all night. And I'd known him for longer then an hour. Then Laura emails me Monday night. Apologizing, saying she fucked up blahblah blah. My reply is "Yeah you fucked up. You're turning into a slut, and I want nothing to do with that. I dont want to hear your fucking excuses or apologies" Harsh, I know. But I'm sick of it. So, whatever. The entire situation was angering to me before, now it's just humorous. I walk by her in the hall today (Tuesday) and give her a dirty ass look, because frankly she deserves it. She comes up behind me, grabs my shoulder and is all "tell me you're not mad at me" and all I said was "dont FUCKING touch me" and kept walking. I'm not the only one who thinks she deserves the treatment she's getting. So whoevers reading this, dont think I'M the bad guy here. I didnt backstab anyone. I've talked to a few people about it, told them ALL dimensions of the story. Told them different people's point of view on it, and I have quite a following of people who agree with me. I didnt do anything wrong. The reason I'm thriving on this so much is because I havnt had any major drama lately in life. And for once, all the negative attention ISNT on me.

dear god... i hope you get this letter... i'm sorry... i cant believe in you

we make mistakes we clean ourselves up we repeat mistakes we tend to give up life as we know it; perpetual motions routine sanctities divine sin at it.s best. we live life we take life we love life we hate you alive life as we know it; repetative thoughts dishonorable actions we just put on new eyeliner every day. we're real good at lying we're terrible at dying but we.ve lied enough and we.ve cried enough. life is love and living requires everything it takes not to give up it's thinking it's acting it's living we'll all die on our own day with fresh eyeliner and a smile or tear to say who we are and claim what we think it must be nice not to know how to lie.

i give myself three days to feel better or i swear i am driving off a fucking cliff because if i cant make myself feel better then how can i expect anyone else to give a shit and i scream for the sunlight to take me anywhere just get me past this dead and eternal snow because i swear that i am dying slowly but it's happening so if there is a perfect spring thats waiting somewhere just take me there and lie to me and say it's going to be alright

...then on that last day he breaks and he stood tall and he yelled...and he takes his life

You've failed to read the fine print. Better luck next time. Hope for the best or you get the worst. So I fall down just like every other. Completely human. Yet incomplete. The cue wasn't given. Take my hand as it falls. Bury me in the sun. I'm just a little girl. Are you afraid now? I can heal on the outside. I try to. I do. But I can never heal on the inside. Only I know I'm crazy. Take my hand and we'll fall down the stairs together. I don't want you. I want us. I hurt because I'm human. I hurt because I'm not plastic. I hurt because I don't watch enough TV. I hurt because I don't go to The Gap. I hurt because I really can't skateboard. I hurt because I understand it all so well.

Oh you got me good. Let’s see, oh where to start. It must have been all those times I only spoke good things of you, those times I carried your drunken body home, those times I spoke to guys for you, or maybe just all those compliments and encouragment.. “You’re smart girl, you’re gonna make it all the way.” And it’s sad to think I’m such a bad chick, so sad to think I don’t even know what I did wrong. To even say you played second best ever to me is such a crock. I’d be you in a second flat, but I take that back because that means I’d have to be friends with me- and ..oh...gee.. what a terrible thought to think! I admired the way you carried yourself, those jokes, those lines - a vocabulary so big I’d get lost in translation. So fuck me for being so perfect.. ‘cause let’s see in actuallity if we looked at it right we’d see that statement was wrong and I’m so far from perfect, I’m perfectly un perfect.