I don't know why I started this diary but I felt like a change. It's nice to be new again. My mom's birthday is tomorrow. I've exasted myself remembering all the good. It's easy to remember the bad as well. I get so tired of people looking at me like I was blessed with this saint of a mother. I mean, I loved her but I had a horrible childhood. My mom was chemically imbalanced and I don't remember a time when I wasn't walking on eggshells around her. She was bipolar and depressed and mean and loved to argue. My sister likes to play the victim. Yes, my mom argued with her a lot. Yes, she got screamed at. But she was never ignored. She wasn't invisible. She wasn't a non-issue. I was. I am. I'm scared that I'll always be this way. It's like I'm ripping out my fingernails climbing up this wall that just keeps getting taller. I've realized alot about myself. I have no self-esteem. I am easily persuaded. I am clingy. I am needy. I spend way too much time thinking about what other people think. And it's because of this screwed up childhood. And that's not an excuse. Everybody has things they have to get over and I know it could have been a whole lot worse but it was what it was. I will forever be lonely no matter have many people are around me. No matter how many people love me. No matter what. My mom died just when she was getting better. Fate sucks. I can't wait till I get out of this rathole of a life. In two weeks it starts. What am I going to do with it? I don't know, but I'll do something this time.

My line.