V Back?

Listening to: I Heart Huckabees
Feeling: happy
Am I back? No, not today but maybe next week. We'll see. I'll be in a different state in both metaphorical and literal senses. The big sitd comeback is in the works. Straight up.
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Gratuitous Nudity

Feeling: patient
Last night was a good night. I stayed up till three watching this really thought-provoking and just plain perverted movie called The Dreamers. Not something you would want to watch with your parents. Gratuitous nudity, incest, French people. It's got it all. Anyway, I sat in the floor while watching for no other reason then I haven't sat in the floor for a very long time. There's something about siting on the floor that makes you very aware of your body. I like to lay on my stomach and feel the wood pressing into my ribs or maybe its the other way around. It's nice. Anyway, the movie was good and when it was over I couldn't sleep so I thought about when I would meet the love of my life and what the situation would be. I came up with three years from now in New York City on my way to the Met. It sounds awful romantic to me. I'll try my best to make it happen.
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Just the Other Night

Listening to: Garth
Feeling: regretful
I'm writing again. On paper. Poems written on computer screens suck. They reflect the shallow-ness of my computer life. So the poems on paper are not so good but they are real. The poems on paper are real because my soul controls my standard bic blue pen and they are real because sometimes (sometimes) when I read them aloud they are their own little country. Yesterday I saw the beginings of crows feet and realized that in less than ten years I will be 30. Four hours later I put highlights in my hair and decided to start yoga again. Despite the fact that I think vainity is wrong, I am vain. And I can't help put obsess over my appearance. I can blame society's propensity for judgement but I won't. It's not the reason. I very simply enjoy looking my best.
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Feeling: effervescent
I'm really very tired of this. I will not feel bad about being me. If someone doesn't like it they can blow it out their blow-hole. I will not spend every second of my life defending who I am or what I believe in. I will not. I know that respect is something you earn so I'm going to earn it. How? By standing up for myself. By doing something for the world. By being me. Everything is going to catch up. I'm just a little ahead of the schedule. And I'm stretching myself a little thin emotionally. And I always do so it's okay for me. It's a feeling that I know. That I'm used to and even welcome. I long ago realized that my life is not like everyone else's. And I have a love/hate relationship with my neurosis. It's just part of me. When I find a guy who deserves my time I'll share all of this and maybe he'll find it cute and maybe he'll run. Whatever happens it won't matter.
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Here I Am, World

Feeling: alive
I can't do it anymore. Not another second. Not another day. Not another hour. No. I can't. I will no longer waste my time on this. I'm tired from tihs constant cherade. This is not who I am. I don't have stick straight hair. I don't enjoy intellectual television. I don't feel happy all the time. I have a horrible temper. And I like it. Get ready world because I'm not hiding anymore. Finally (finally!) I'm not going to hide myself. Why is it so important to me to be accepted? No reason. Blah. I'm through with it.
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Up Beat Bitches

Listening to: Velvet Revolver -
Feeling: edgy
I'm not having a good day. The fact that I was up until this morning isn't helping and that my sister is late picking me up. I'm trying not to concentrate on the bad. I used to be so freakin, annoyingly up-beat. Now I realize why most of my friends from high school aren't my friends anymore. I'm a totally different person. I guess death does that to you. Makes you notice the bad. Mutilates your heart so it doesn't beat as fast. I wrote thirteen pages this morning. That's a lot for me. Maybe that's why I'm feeling down. It's draining. And I can never seem to be happy if I'm creating something.
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Fucking Fantastic

Feeling: alive
I'm listening to a CD that I borrowed from my cousin about two years ago. Some day I'll return it. Anyway, it's Monsta Jams. It's funny that I used to seriously love all the songs on it. It's 6:52 am and I've been up all night. I like the feeling. I can beat Sleep. He cannot make me fall. Ha, I win! No one comments on this diary. I like that. It's nice to have something just for myself. I guess I could make this one private but I'm vain enough to let someone read it if they stumble onto it. Anyway, I'm feeling fuckin great today. Not body-wise but mentally. I'm looking forward to my life. I'm not feeling lonely. I'm the only company I need. Fucking fantastic.
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Complete With Footnotes

Listening to: Hey Lover - L
Feeling: famished
"...It was during dinner that my original impression of our younger hostess began to change. Yes, very definitely an understanding existed between Jake and this lady. They were lovers. And watching her more attentively, seeing her, as it were, through Jake's eyes, I began to appreciate his unmistakable sensual interest. True, her face was flawed, but her figure, displayed in a close-fitting grey jersey dress, was adequate, not bad really; and she acted as though it was sensational: a rival to the sexiest film star imaginable. The sway of her hips, the loose movements of her fruity breasts, her contralto voice, the fragility of her hand-gestures: all ultra seductive, ultra feminine without being effeminate. Her power resided in her attitude: she behaved as though she believed she was irresistable; and whatever her oppportunities may have been, the style of the woman implied an erotic history complete with footnotes." -From Truman Capote's "Handcarved Coffins" I love that. That is what writing really is. Catch you and hook you and then a finishing line that makes you remember. Fantastic.
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Feeling: vexed
"What Do Women Want?" Kim Addonizio I want a red dress. I want it flimsy and cheap, I want it too tight, I want to wear it until someone tears it off me. I want it sleeveless and backless, this dress, so no one has to guess what's underneath. I want to walk down the street past Thrifty's and the hardware store with all those keys glittering in the window, past Mr. and Mrs. Wong selling day-old donuts in their café, past the Guerra brothers slinging pigs from the truck and onto the dolly, hoisting the slick snouts over their shoulders. I want to walk like I'm the only woman on earth and I can have my pick. I want that red dress bad. I want it to confirm your worst fears about me, to show you how little I care about you or anything except what I want. When I find it, I'll pull that garment from its hanger like I'm choosing a body to carry me into this world, through the birth-cries and the love-cries too, and I'll wear it like bones, like skin, it'll be the goddamned dress they bury me in.
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Take It Slow

Listening to: OAR
Feeling: hellagood
I'm reading I, Robot by Isaac Asimov right now. I don't have to say that's wonderful. I like the name Isaac (even though it's one of those names that has two letters but doesn't need them). I'm going to continue updating this diary and maybe make a switch back permanently. Although constant switching does lead to less comments because people loose you and I am a comment whore so we'll see. I'm listening to OAR again. It's not just fraternity crap. I'm into it. And its speaking volumes to me. Today is Friday and I'm going to hang out with my dad and sister. I know that sounds lame but my dad can be hilarious (when he's not being a jerk) and my sister is my best friend so it'll be a good time. Maybe we'll listen to some CCR on the drive and chill out. Maybe I'll delete this entry tonight because it is totally stupid.
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The Whole Cake

Listening to: Silence
Feeling: fabulous
My one-year annivesary is coming up on December 11th. I'm excited. I wish I could have some kind of sitD party and invite all my sitD friends. But alas, I'll just have to eat the whole cake myself. :-P Remember that my new diary is valleycat so go to it!
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Surely Switching

Listening to: Silence
Feeling: hellagood
I'm slowing but surely switching over to my new diary: valleycat. So go there if you wish to read today's entry please. Thank you. :-)
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Dreaming of Slash

Feeling: frazzled
I interview for the ski resort job this afternoon. Wish me luck. But I think I'm a shoe in so it'll be easy-peasy. Last night I watched a show on Velvet Relvolver and then had crazy Slash dreams all night. It was quite fantastic. Anyway, they'll be more later, after the interview. Later... I got the job! Yay! for me. I'm a Group Sales Associate. Ha ha ha. A real job at a ski resort. I thought I'd be a housekeeper or something. It's freakin great to be employed. :-)
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Thank You, Thanksgiving!

Feeling: worn
Hello Lovelies! I am back from Thanksgiving Break feeling alive and well and 10 pounds heavier. But I'm sure the weight'll slide off as soon as it sees that I have 5 finals and 0 time to study. Okay, here's a rundown of my week at my new home (it's my first week staying at my dad's wife's house): Monday: Slept in (10 am), found a renewed love of food that contains meat, and decided to apply for a job at a local ski resort. Tuesday: Stayed at Jenn's, dyed my blonde-brown hair dark brown, watched a scary movie, and lost an earring back. Wednesday: Preparation for Thanksgiving. Helped make a potato salad and ate a wonderfully fresh Moon Pie. Thursday: Got up late, watched the old Dr. Dolittle, ate three dinners and celebrated my sister's b-day. Friday: Really slept in and did nothing except buy gigantic gift bags at the Dollar Tree The Weekend: NOTHING :-) I promised myself that I would have the best Thanksgiving of my life and I did. That's what positive thinking will get you. Even though my mom is gone I felt her there with me more than usual. I'm going to have the same attitude with Christmas. And I thought all those positive thinking books were crap...
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Feeling: old
Sorry that I haven't been on. My dad's computer is not working. Blah. This week so far has been great. Tonight I'm making a run to Richmond with my Aunt Carol so it should be fun. Anyway, I can't be on long. So happy Thanksgiving Darlings!
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Val's Manifesto

Feeling: enlightened
I just got back from a Chemistry exam. It was the kind of test that makes you want to commit suicide afterward. Enough said on that. Jhonna, Nick, and I are going to Tennessee this weekend to celebrate an early Thanksgiving with family. It'll be semi-fun. Last night I started writing a manifesto type thing. Well, more like a credo. I'm kind of declaring war on my boring and unimportant life and changing it. Why am I sitting here everyday whining about being lonely or depressed or whatever? I could be doing something about it. I know that you can do anything you want as long as you want it bad enough. It's just a matter of finding the right motivation. I am no longer scared of failing because I won't. I won't let myself fail. Simple as that. I will be a published writer because I have it in me. I'm not going to waste my life doing what my family thinks is right for me. They don't even know me! If there's one thing I've learned the hard way it's that the only person you can trust is yourself. So starting now I am trusting myself to know what I can do and what I can't. To family: I cannot be a lawyer, accountant, or politician. It's simple like that. I just can't. The Next Day... I didn't feel like writing a new entry and I like this entry so I'll write on it for a couple days. Today is Thursday and tomorrow's Friday and before you know it, it'll be the year 2020 and you'll be married with brat kids and you'll forget all the dreams you used to have and you'll just be living day to day, wondering why nothing has meaning anymore. And its inevitable (unless you become super-famous and even then it might happen) so why not live your life right now? Today instead of tomorrow. Stop waiting for life to happen to you and make it happen. My new motto: I'll sleep when I'm dead. P.S. The pic is from the January 19th 1982 issue of Soap Opera Digest. I thought I'd post it since the originial super couple's aniversary was just the other day. (Forget Bennifer and all that crap, soap's invented super couples!)
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Igby Goes Down

Feeling: whatever
It was a long weekend. Long and boring so I won't say anything else about it. One week left until Thanksgiving Break. Big woo hoo. I'm tired of school. I have four tests this week. My professors are bastards. I watched Igby Goes Down this weekend. I've seen it before. It's a great movie. Not something you would want to watch with your dad and step-mom or small children though. Just a warning. I'm reading Sex and the City (the book came before the show). It's amazingly good. I thought it'd be like a cheap sex book but nope. :-) The bus driver that drove me to school for 7 years died last week. He had a heart attack while driving the bus (no kids were on it) and crashed into a house.
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Sickeningly Like Monday

Feeling: weird
We played volleyball in gym today. It was really horrible until I started playing well. I scored like 10 points for the team. Woo hoo! I hate Wednesdays. They are full of the promise of weekend but sickeningly like Monday. Blah. This evening I will attempt to write five more pages on a short story I started last week. I hate writing. It's like I pull everything out of myself and put it on this screen to examine and I come up short every time. I realized yesterday that I am not depressed. I'm simply bi-polar and having a low point. I will get over it and be my normal sarcastic, but cheery, self. I'm sure. I will be published, no matter what. I will be published. Once more with feeling, I will be published. Take that, Low Self Esteem!
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