So I don't even know where to start. UGH. I'm trying to go to college in California. Problem is my mom now says she doesn't think she's going to co-sign a loan for me. If she does she has to see what she can first get for my brother. Nice right. Well my brother is a deadbeat. He isn't working, nor in school. He dropped out and took a couple classes at the community school. One at a time. So he gets money. Its like all of these things in my childhood now are replaying as all of this college nonsense is happening. I can't even focus a little bit on anything! I'm going terrible in school. Yesterday I was crying so I couldn't go to class and my dad was like oh see you can't go away to school you can't even do this. I'm like I'm freakin crying I can't take a test like this! I was so excited to get my acceptance letter I waited by the door to show my dad when he came in. His reply was...Yeah you really screwed up. I was so shocked I was like how getting into college? He was like you should have taken the assistant manager job. I went from such a extreme high to an extreme low it was so awful. What happen to the days when your parents want you to go to school to further your education and better yourself? My mom looked at schools closer to here so she can come and see me if I need her. WTF why would I need her? She was the cause of most of my problems. I told her that shes like no when your crying and you need someone. I'm like your the only one that makes me cry and when I do you laugh at me or make it worse. I would love not having you around, maybe I can be happy when coming home after class. Ya know. Honestly I'm just so scared I'm not going to be able to go and I'm going to be stuck here miserable. Its eating at me, I have this constant anxiety now. This other girl got the promotion I want. She's younger than me and not in school. Why do the people that do less than me get more than me? What am I missing here? i know she has a good manager that promotes people, but still. My manager asked what is wrong and I said nothing. He noticed yesterday something was wrong too. I want to say something but its just too much and I don't even know how to start and I don't want to say something wrong or end up crying. I'm late on my period now too. When you have anxiety from the time you wake up till the time you enventually fall asleep its normal i'm guessing. So i'm even more emotional.

I don't even know how to start. So yeah I kinda need to just vent a bit. Probally will be all over the place. I was like oh I want this guy and turns out he is the total opposite of what I really want. I feel bad cause I feel like I'm trying to change him or something. I know I'm overly picky. I thought I would be okay with him not being a vegan but yeah turns out it really bothers me. I mean I get bothered all of the time by people thinking i'm weird. He thinks I'm weird. I want someone there with me on my side. Someone who cares about animals and other people. Not to think i'm weird for donating money. One day I'd maybe like to start up a non-profit. When I'm hurting be a little concerned. I want someone who knows a lot more than me. Not someone who says the stuff I say isn't true because they just don't know. I deal with that enough at home and work. Like oh stop thats not true. Yeah you can eat this. Hmm yeah so I look and theirs egg whites and refined sugar. Thanks. I would have to problem and I'm grateful when food is made for me. Just don't lie if you don't know. I hate that so much. Good thing I know better than just to take their word. It sounds bad I know. But yeah.

Umm off shore drilling is bad for the enviroment. It doesn't save money for ten years and its only like two cents. Hopefully we won't need oil in ten years. really annoying. Can Palin stop smiling this isn't a pagent. Jeez lol. Palin just doesn't care about animals ::cough cough:: low plane wolf killing. Peace and love, -AshleY-