the feeling of emptiness comes back. the feeling of hollowness is there again. worse than ever before. I got over one, now I am hurt by another. I am so stupid. Time and time again, I let these idiots get to me. Get to my heart and steal my soul. Take a part of me that I wil never get back. Time and time I let them fool me. Time and time I believe that there is good somewhere behind the pain. Somewhere behind the pretense of coolness and that they will actually care.

But the sad cold truth is...They don't . The only problem was that I was the only one who was the fool. What did I expect to happen? That he will fall in love with me? That I will be the one that changes them? Into a better person? That I will be the one to fix them, when I can't even fix myself?

The defintion of a fool is someone who does the same thing and over and over but expects a different result.. And boy. I am surely a fool.

What will it take for me to stop hurting myself? What will it take for me not to believe that there are no good men? What will it take for me to want to stop trying to change others when I need to look at myself? What will it take for me to be happy?

It sure as hell didn't work out with Ash. Or Cameron. Or Sebastian. Or Logan. Or Luke. Or Michael. So why the hell would I even think for a split second that it would work out with Mark...

The boy.. no wait man. No wait... a boy who thinks he is a man... already has a gf. She's 17... A baby.

What the hell is wrong with me to think if he is willing to cheat on her, he wouldn't do it to me if we got together. Why do I always want what I cannot have?

Why do I want to be with someone who will manipulate others to get what they want? Maybe I believe that he is still a good person, beneath the lies , sex and betrayal.

I need to let go. To remind myself that I am gaining nothing. That I mean NOTHING to him.

Nor did I mean anything to all those other men. Used and abused and thrown aside like some drink that you devour from a McDonalds takeaway cup; and once you are done with it, you throw away the plastic cup because you are finished. You don't want to keep it, you have something better. Something that you can go back to at the end of the day, when you are done with the cheap soft drink who was offered to you for no particular price. Who got given to you, who satisfied your needs for the moment but then you are left quenching for more when you are bored or thirsty.

So you go and get some more, because you know it is free. You won't need to pay a price, but the cup gets used and abused , tossed away like it's nothing but trash. It gets broken, and torn apart. It gets rained on and stood on. It means nothing, it is cheap. It is rubbish.