well well. i haven't written for awhile. i think it's easier for me to have time to not think about things before going back to them and fully comprehending what just happened. but i swear today, i`m gonna go off in a delicate way and i`ll have so much fun I swear. no matter what goes wrong, i`ll be moving on. i used to think that i couldn't be happy unless i had a guy in my life. that my life couldnt be complete without a "him" to share it with. but now i only realize how wrong that is, how foolish. ive come to realize that i have to make myself happy before i can expect anyone else to come along and do it. people come in and out of your life- making you laugh, making you smile, making you fall in love, but through-out all that, you really have to count on yourself to make, or even allow yourself, to be happy. and maybe i'm not as stable a person as i thought i was. but i'm learning more and more each day. i am finally moving on. and it's scary- but it's new, and it's exciting. and i can't wait to no longer look back. him: "i guess ill just have to move on" me: "dont say that. you never liked me that much" him: "thats where you wrong" me: "ok well you never loved me then." him: "i had very very strong feelings for you" me: "and your girlfriend. right." ... him: "i miss you is that so bad?" me: "yes." ... him: "im offended that youd think im like that" me: " im offended you think im so naive." ... me: " there are plenty girls out there i just think you should find one of them cause there are girls youre gonna like a hell of a lot more than me him: "havent come across one yet." ... he says he wants something in the "future" when im in a better place. i said i didnt think my future would include a better place for us. i dont think my future should allow any more time for him. i felt awful. because he said so many things that were nice to me, but i know they were just words. just the clever words he had used before to win me over, these clever words that in reality- dont mean anything. i almost cracked so many times, just like i used to. he'd say something that would temporarily make everything okay, and i'd give up everything and go back to him. [temporarily]- i cant have that any more. i need something more than "temporary." then again- i was a bitch. i was mean to him and i dont think i handled it right. people i shared the entire conversation with said i wasnt mean- but i dont know, i guess i was just mean for me. im a nice person- sometimes too nice, and too trusting, but that's a different issue. if he was serious, if he did miss me- i was completely unconsiderate towards his feelings. if it had been me in his position, i would have been hurt, and i would not have wanted to talk to me again. but i guess thats what i needed to get across- i NEED him not to want me anymore. i need him to let me go, so i can let go. a long december and theres reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.. oh the days go by so fast.. this is just a big mess of ramblings. till next time.