I miss Tim, i really miss him. Usually i can not think about him and the pain goes away, but then in those times when i'm really bored my mind keeps drifting to all the amazing times we had, and then it goes to all the stupid shit i did, and all the stupid shit he did. I had this dream about him last night and we were fighting more than we'd ever fought. It started getting physical and i was hitting and kicking him and we both fell to the floor, and i was so mad i was just yelling at him for ruining everything. And then suddenly, like mid-punch, he just turned and kissed me, and i kissed him back and it turned into this really intense amazing hard core making out that lasted for a really long time. The next day he came to some store that i was working at to deliver something or another and we both acted like nothing had happened. He came back a few times to deliver stuff and the last time he said "hey lina, call me later ok?" and i was like i dont have your number i erased it. So he gave it to me again and left. I was really mad that he would ask me to call him instead of him just calling me, and at first i refused to, but i just wanted to see him so bad that i did call him, i asked him to pick me up and he did, and that was the end of it. i guess it's not such a tragedy that our frendship is over. I mean it clearly didn't mean enough to him to actually call me and work it out, so why should i give a fuck? whatever. i really don't need him.

Wow. I think i've reached that moment. I'm nineteen now and i think i'm finally at that moment where you know you're not a teenager anymore, you know? Like i just grew out of it. And i don't even think i saw it happen... it felt like, one day i was still all afraid and insecure and self-conscious and confused and all those Horrible teenage feelings... and the next morning i woke up and it was pretty much gone. i don't know... it feels amazing because i finally feel like i'm turning into a real person... i can't even explain it it's like i just, understand the world better, and i feel free... Not afraid anymore... Not trapped anymore in my lonely shelter of sadness that i locked myself in for a long time. You know what helped me? i guess it's really bad to say. i tried E for the first time a few weeks ago, and i'd been putting it off for such a long time because of all those bad things i heard about it, but finally i was at this friend's house who's a dealer and he gave it to me for free so i thought "why not"? and i tried it and it was just wonderful... It was like i could see the universe in a way that i had never seen it before and i realized how beautiful it was... Of course it's all fake and you realize it when you come down... But i remembered that feeling and realized that it Can be like that. I was just so... i don't know like i normally have this tendency to just wallow in my own sadness and keep all my emotions so locked up and have it all brewing inside of me and i sit alone and cry and i'm just so sad... and it was like i liked it somehow... Like i was feeding off of sadness to give me energy or something. Like i was collecting sadness around me wherever i went and it was fuel for my torture. And i did torture myself with it. I repeated it over and over in my head just to be able to feel all that pain. The pain was a kind of rush for me i guess. I guess it made me feel more alive or something. i didn't realize what i was doing though... which is why when i finally understood what i was doing to myself i had to stop. It's kindof hard though, because the sadness is kinda like your security blanket, like when things go wrong or someone says something mean to you or a guy doesn't call you... you collect all the pain and then let it out when you're all alone. it doesn't feel... good, necessarily, but, just comforting... like a kind of "i feel, therefore i am" kind of thing. And you're pretty ... "proud", maybe? because you just feel so deeply and you're in so much pain. You're kindof amazed with yourself because you have this ability to Feel So Much Horrible pain and emotion... Which does give you the energy to keep going on in the world. You have this 'one up' on people because they don't understand what it's like to have so much sadness living inside yourself and to have SO MANY feelings. The only thing is that it has to be all kept secret. ... Anyways that part of my life i think is over and i think i'm ready to move on, and forgive myself, and forgive my parents... and be a strong person. Because i Finally Believe that i can be a strong person. And that is such a fuckn wonderful feeling. Like i'm not suggesting that people should try e or whatever but like it really just helped me alot... Ive only done it 2 times since then, and i might do it again or whatever, and i know, i know, it puts holes in your brain and makes you infertile or something, but just that feeling that you get... i don't know it opened my eyes to the way that a person Can feel, and ... i guess it was just very therapeutic for me. Maybe not for everyone but if someone were in the same kind of situation i was in... i sortof wish i had tried it earlier... Or maybe not. Maybe it was the perfect right timing for me as well... Anyways i just wanna say that i've gotten through the horribleness and now i just see such a bright future

Oh man I just remembered i still had this online diary. I can't believe i even remembered my password... I just read all my old entries,... God i was such a kid when i wrote that. So inexperienced and naive and confused... Not that i'm not still like that, but i like to think that i've grown up at least a little bit in the last year. Oh my God i'm 19 now... AAaarrgghh! And what's really depressing is that i'm basically in the same romantic and professional situation i was in back then. Except of course, now i know a bit more. But how is that useful anyway? I still haven't had a boyfriend yet, i've dropped out of school, and i am currently looking for a job. I actually have an interview at Subway later (cross your fingers!) If i don't get this job i'm in trouble because my CV really sucks. I don't think i'll be able to find anything else. A few months ago i had 2 jobs. One was doing surveys on the phone, and i was also bartending at this small shitty bar where only old weird guys went, and they would sometimes offer me money to sleep with them and i just couldn't handle it. I didn't quit though... I got fired because this new guy who was hired to sell drugs in the bar hated me for some reason, and 1 day he accused me of stealing money from the cash, which was totally untrue of course, but he fired me, and i took it as a blessing in disguise. And shortly before that i had quit my survey job because i was just too bored with it. And now i'm in trouble. I'm actually planning to move to New York city soon...ish. I really think that's where i belong. Whenever i tell people they don't believe me and say it's never gonna happen and i have a crazy imagination... But i think maybe that's why i need to get away from Montreal, because i have so many dreams, and over here, all my dreams get killed. And maybe i'm not like other people. Maybe i'm not meant to sit in a boring-ass classroom and do boring fucking homework everyday... Or doing some boring-ass tedious survey for hours. I definitely think that the world has something bigger planned for me. I just need to escape first... Wow i feel so inspired now. The only thing is first i need money to get the fuck out of here... So i'll go to that subway interview, and i'll get that job, and everything'll be fine

I can't believe "blah" was in the moods, i thought i invented that shit. Of course i did, god i'm so self-centered! Ok whatever enough self-loathing, Lina. It's quite unnattractive. So. What's the point of this entry again? Who FUCKING knows OR cares?! Not i! i'm just tired and bored and my life is a horrible awful disgusting mess! That's ok, though, i'll probably be dead eventually. Probably. But seriously, i don't think that i'm going to live that long. I had like, not a vision, but just a flash of something, on my seventeenth birthday. Shit that was almost six months ago. NO! Almost 18!!! Why?! i'm aging... so sad.... neways about my flash there, i decided that i only had another 17 years to live, and that was it, tha i shall die at 34. Should i be upset by it? no, why would i? i WANT to die early. Anything to not be old. Yeah, shallow, whatever, don't care! I'm like, assuming what everyone who reads this is thinking. Imagine someone i knew found this fecking diary! That would be the end of me. whatever no it wouldn't. I'd just hide in my room for the next, like year. But it's so revelative of my true feelings. Noone who knowsd ne woud guess i'd be writing this. i'm normally pretty cheerful & stuff like that. Not that i, you know, try to hide my depression behind a smile or anything like that. it's just that the sadness hits me when i'm alone. What's my problem though? Godd, the main thing is my stupid future! i have no idea what he hell i'm doing with my life! it's scary and depressing and horrible and, all i do is wallow around the house like a depressed... person, and then at night people start calling me to go out and i don't say no because i think that maybe it will cheer me up. But it doesn't, really. I just sit around and get lost in my thoughts. Do you ever have these, like, imaginary conversations with people in your head? well anyways, i have those ALOT. maybe you do it when ur, like, bored or tired or whatever, but i have them in social situations when people are talking to me, and just ALL THE TIME. And the thing is, sometimes i can't even remember what conversations are real, so when i'm talking to the person, i'm like "so, blah blah blah about this and that" and they're like "what?" because i also imagine that they told me things about themselves, you know, that are just totally random and... random. You know what's a good song? "overnight celebrity" by Twista. It' amazing. I love it so much. It's my number one played song on my iTunes. If you never heard it go download it NOW... At least summer is coming... Finally! warmness. Not that it's really warm. It's been like, 10 degrees these days. We had a couple of days where it was like, 23, and that was great, but we're back down. Whatever. At least i know that those crazy hot days where you can't move cause you're stuck to your chair are on there way. Ahhhhh.... yes. This summer i'm just gonna bum it the whole time. Sitting by the pool, maybe go to the beach, chill outside with my.... errr..... friends.... all one of them. Ya but no i have friends but.... they're like, not really real friends you know what i mean? Everyone talks behind everybody's back, and says they don't really like one person and things like that, but then when the person's around it's like, bestfriendsforever... Fuck am i making sense? i don't even know what i'm saying. All i know is i'm tired of this FAKENESS. I'm constantly worried about what people are saying about me and what they're thinking, and like, i can't actually DO anything, cause i'm scared someone's gonna judge me. I'm living in fear of everything and everyone. Someone tell me how to fix my life! Please? Oh argh! where will i be in 10 years? here? doing this? please no. Maybe i'll be happy and married with kids, and i'll look back and i'll say "aww, how cute, i was so depressed, but it was all worth it because it made me what i am today, and i'm so happy" and then i'll die seven years later.

Sigh, god hates me. Oh, i know he doesn't. But why does it feel like fate is out to get me? Everything keeps going wrong & it sucks. And i'm too tired and exhausted to do anything. Oh and Bobby? sigh. Of course it was too good to be true. I knew he liked me, just, cause, you know when someone likes you right? Anyways, i thought it was kinda weird that he wasn't getting over me, because any guy that likes me usually gets bored with me within two weeks. But not him. I should have realised. neways i saw him today, and he got this, like, mohawk. I was like"what! no! But he was so cute!" Why? why would anyone do something like that? A mohawk. It's not huge or anything. He just shaved his head and left the middle part unshaved. And his hair's not to long so it was more of a low mohawk. But it still looks terrible. So I was kindof upset there for a while. Plus i was so tired i couldn't even talk, so that contributed to my bad mood. He saw me, and he kept looking at me, trying to say hi, but I just looked away, and avoided him all day. I feel pretty sheity, and mad. Not that Bobby did that, but at my own shallowness. I liked this guy so much, and i thought it was about more than looks, and now he gets a different haircut and i don't like him anymore? what a bitch. I don't understand anything anymore. I think i'm incapable of having any actual feelings for a guy. I hate them too much. Because they're all assholes. Except one. And i'm on a mission to find him. I thought it was Bobby for a while there, ...but... wait! He's not an asshole! I'm the shallow bitch! Oh my God! What if, every guy isn't an asshole, but I am! I'm the asshole! What a Horrible person I am!

Why is my life HORRIBLE? I have no friends and no life and it's Saturday Freakin' Night and I haven't been out all weekend, because my "friends" don't call me, or they do call me, but then they ditch me at the LAst Minute... Why does everybody hate me? I'm not such a horrible person am I? Yes! Yes I am! God I wish everyone didn't hate me! I wish i wasn't so stupid and boring and annoying and ugly... I wish I was nice and fun and interesting and... happy. Sometimes I think i'll never have a boyfriend or get married. Who would marry me? No ONE! Because i'm an idiot! And now i'm writing this Stupid STUPID entry in this Lame LAME diary on a saturday night. And even on sit DIArY where no one knows me... EVERYBODY hatES me! Why? Is there just certain people that are just crap and no one wants to hang out with them? And if so, Am i one of them, and why? God no one leaves me comments and the ones I get are "Bobby! Uh huh" What does that mean? WHAT? WHAT?! WHAT !%$# *sigh* Well thanks for letting me vent.

I am walking on clouds. Today could have been sheity but it was great, thanks to Bobby. Well first of all my last class of the day got cancelled so I was SO happy. And also if it weren't for that, the Bobby thing never would have happened. Ok well I was just sitting in the usual place we hang out, talking to this guy, and then Bobby showed up, and said hi to the guy i was with, and then, he looked at me, and smiled, and waved, and I waved, and it was a perfect moment. So then he left, and I watched him walk away, and I could feel myself getting all red... Which has never happened to me before. After that I was frozen for about two minutes. My friend had to snap me out of it. Ok so i know i keep saying this, but this guy... he's so different from every other guy. It's almost as though... he's Not an asshole! Oh, but wait. He is. The other day I found out he has a girlfriend. Why must this happen to me? Not that it changes much. I'm still going after him, I like him So Much. The girlfriend doesn't go to my school, so... yeah. I was telling my friend that I like him the other day. And she said that she thinks i can do better. People tell me that sort of thing alot when I like a guy. But I never actually get the guy, so clearly, I can't. But what if I don't wanna do better, I just want to do... him. Ok no i don't want to do him, well, at least not at the moment. Oh God! Why am i making my stupid life so complicated? All i'm saying is, I have a crush on Bobby. And that's that, isn't it?

Bobby! OK i saw him today.... This guy is so special. Whenever I see him I get those butterflies. I haven't had those in such a long time! It's amazing... I still haven't talked to him yet though. Today I saw my guy friends talking to him, and I showed up, and they were all talking about hockey, so i was like... yeah... interesting. So i didn't say anything to him. What do i know about hockey? Anyways, we all went to Mickey Dees for lunch, and it was ok, but i just wanted to say something to him, but i couldn't. So anyways i thought he didn't like me, cause he wasn't talking to me, but then i caught him watching me put my lipgloss on. So now i just have to find some way to let him know i like him. I think i'm just gonna tell my friend Roger that i think he's hot, then Roger'll tell Bobby, then Bobby'll be like, "yeah, i think she's hot too!' Then Roger'll tell me, and i'll be all "yay!" And then Bobby'll ask me out. Yes Lina, in a perfect world! Arg! I like him so much! What's wrong with me. I wish i had some kind of experience with these kinds of things. Then i'd know what to do. Until then, i'll just dream about him. Oh but his eyes! They're just so beautiful! And he wears this Expos cap, and he just looks so sexy! I can't take it!

OH there's this guy at school, i saw him first on Monday. I saw my friend John sitting around where we usually hang out, he was with this guy. I was talking to John, and I noticed that the guy kept looking at me. So i looked at him and he was So cute. He has the prettiest eyes i've ever seen. Later I found ou his name is Bobby. Sometimes I see him around school. I haven't talked to him that much yet. Why am i so shy? I really want to talk to him. I can't stop thinking about him. He's so cute, the other day I was at the movies and I fantasized that he was sitting next to me, and I was just putting my head on his shoulder. Ok i'm crazy but... God this guy is so special. I don't even know him, but i can feel it you know? Anyways i think he likes me. He looks at me all the time. And when I'm talking to my friends that he knows, he always shows up. I haven't told anyone yet. I have a problem with dating a guy who goes to school with me, especially who hangs out with the same people as me. Bobby, i can't wait to see you on Monday, I promise i'll say hi to you and we'll talk.

I've decided that I have ADD. It really explains my behavior and, how i'm failing school, i'm easilly distracted, I procrastinate, I forget and lose things, i daydream constantly, i have trouble consentrating, and i've just been "researching" it on the internet and I found out that there's this thing called Hyperfocusing that people with ADD have where, when there's something that you're really interested in, you'll put all your attention into it. I do feel that way about some things, but I can't really remember them right now... Anyways i've always known there was something like, off about me... But you know i figured it was my imagination, or that you know it wasn't anything serious, but now i feel like it's just ruining my life and it makes me so frustrated, and i'm just so depressed, and it... you can't imagine how frustrating it is to try to do something... but you just can't because... you don't even know why. You know you don't want to do it, but even when you try... Fuck it's making me cry! I hate myself so much and kick myself for being this way. I'd really like to take something for it. I'd really like to see a doctor for it, but, it's not like i can talk to my parents about it. I don't have the type of parents that you talk to... about anything. I'm gonna have to make a meeting with an Academic Advisor because of my failing every class last semester. We're gonna try to figure out what's wrong with me... So hopefully the AA will figure it out and maybe send me to a doctor. You know I have a feeling I have some, like mental... issues. You know those crazos on the street who, like talk to themselves? I feel like i'm them sometimes, like i'm 2 steps away from that. I feel like I understand why they're doing it, and it like makes sense to me. (I don't know if it makes sense to you) but that's the thing, i'm still in touch with reality and what is considered "normal", but i feel that i'm slowly forgeting. And once i cross that line... Anyways once that happens at least they'll be this diary, so that people can remember that at one time i was... well... More sane.

Well I saw Jaime last night (u know the guy i made out with 2 weeks ago) I went out to that same place, and he was there, and at first i was kinda weird, but then we just said hi to eachother and it was ok and everything. And then when we were alone he said, like jokingly... "you're not feeling awkward about the other time are you?" so i'm like "no, are you?" And he goes "no" So that was it, and then we were fine, and we just talked and laughed and it was cool. But yeah it's hard for me to get over something like what happened... I mean i've only kissed 3 guys, and even though i was drunk, to me it was kind of important. Ne ways the important thing is that everyone thinks it didn't mean anything to me. But yeah what i'm trying to say is that he was looking really cute, and I was having a hard time acting normal. I was actually starting to like him. But then when I left I went with this guy Tracy, and he was drunk, and we were talking, and he told me that Jaime told everyone that I came on to him! Can you believe that? As if! After that I was like oh my God what a loser. He totally was the one who kissed me. I was drunk, he wasn't. I mean he gave me a fucking hickey! I can't believe it. Why are guys assholes? If any guys are reading this can you answer that? It like makes me look so desperate! What kind of girl comes on to a guy? Neways I was super embarased about that. *sigh* I just wish that... I could just have a guy that actually Cared about me! I mean am i so horrible that no one could ever love me? God every single guy I meet just wants to get into my pants... Maybe i'm just meeting the wrong guys. Or are all guys only about "That Thing"?

So, first day of school. I started at 8:30! I have the worst schedule this semester. I start at 8:30 practically every day. I have no idea how I'm gonna manage that. I'm definitely not a morning person. Plus, because I failed ALL my classes last semester, now I have to sign this contract that says i'm gonna try harder and crap... sigh... To think i actually missed school! The good thing about starting early is that i also finish early, on Tuesdays anyway, but anyways, the fire alarm went off because there was smoke or something somewhere, whatever i don't know. But the point is we all had to evacuate, and and i was wearing this T-shirt, so we were all freezing our asses off outside. It was like -30. So not such a good start. After that, I met up with my "friends" that I missed so much. At first it was ok... but there's this guy, Dom, that was just giving me an attitude all day and just being really mean to me. I had no idea why, and i really really can't take that kind of thing. It makes me want to break down and cry and go hide in a corner forever. I've noticed that i'm quite emotionally unbalanced... And i like, constantly need acceptance and approval with everything I do, otherwise I just feel totally alienated and alone, and, just messed up. ANYWAY. That's what Dom made me feel like today. On top of that it was So early, and I was pretty cranky. God, I was feeling really awful about the whole thing just now, but, i dunno writing about makes me feel way better. But I think i figured out what his problem is. I think he's upset about last Saturday, cause I made out with that guy. He probably thinks i'm a slut now. I don't think he's really jealous. Maybe just disapointed. But i've decided I don't care. I'm tired of trying to please everyone, and I just want to do what i want. And no one can stop me... So there.

Last night was pretty crazy. We rented this hotel room that was pretty nice, and not that expensive, and i brought all my stuff there, like change of clothes, pjs, toothbrush, etc. At 8:30 we went to dinner, there were like 20 people there. I got Mandy a CD of this horrible band she really loves. Anyways, afterwards we went to this club that supposedly cards EVERYBODY, but we got on the guest list, cause her two cousins were there and they know the DJ or something. They were pretty hot actually. So we got in and it was pretty cool. So i danced and stuff. I barely even drank (yes i know my mood is hungover, but that's cause i drank a bunch later), so that was good, so anyways I started dancing with this guy, who was like Super Hot, and it was ok, and eventually he tried to kiss me, and I didn't particularly want to, because i mean i didn't even know his name, and I never thought of myself as being one of those girls, who just kiss whoever. I mean so far i'd only kissed two guys, and i mean it didn't mean nothing to me. But Anyhow i let him kiss me, only because he was so hot. It was THE most horrible kiss i have ever had. It was awful. It like, hurt. He like bit my lip and it was just.. crazy terrible. I actually let him kiss me for a few minutes before i couldn't take it anymore, and i just left. It made me appreciate how Jamie (the guy i kissed last saturday), was such a great kisser. I mean i had like almost no experience, so i didn't know what to compare it to, but now, i know. I mean kissing Jamie was so fun and great, and he wasn't all grabbing me and reaching into my pants and shit. It was just... nice. Not that I have any feelings for him or anything, it was just fun kissing him. And i'm actually gonna see him again tonight i think. Cause I'm gonna be hanging out with his friends, and he's probably gonna be there. So i'm prepared for extreme awkwardness. But like i mean it was great making out with him and all, but i don't wanna do it again, because I don't want it to become a thing, u know? Like a thing we do... yes that makes sense Lina. I mean i wouldn't actually become his girlfriend or anything, but i also don't want to have like, a makeout thing going on with him. God I need a boyfriend. That way I wouldn't have go fo through all this. Last night i was thinking about how much i want one. Lately i've been saying i don't want a boyfriend, and i just wanna date around or whatever, but... Imagine how wonderful it must be to just have someone that just cares so much about you and is just always there, that'll like, hold you when you're feeling bad, and.. i don't know do boyfriendy stuff. Oh I don't know I just think it'd be nice. Anyways, there was more that happened last night, but nothing too interesting, and i actually haven't slept all night, so now I'm getting pretty tired, and yeah i'm not really in the mood for going into detail. Oh, yes... Here's a fun fact: The first guy i kissed was born on June 21 - gemini The Second guy - Jamie - birthday June 18-gemini You know how Freud or someone said that girls look for a mate that's just like there dad? I don't actually believe that, but my dad's birthday is June 15 - Another Gemini. Also, i think that the one guy i really look up to is my big brother, also a gemini... June 19. Ok this one is silly... But growing up i swear to God i was seriously obsessed with Garfield. He was like my hero. You know when his birthday is? June 19. Yep- Gemini... Coincidence? I think not. ... What do you think?

Dude! I'm so excited about Friday! It's Mandy's 18th and she's renting a hotel room. There'll be like 8 of us in the room, and we're gonna crash there after we go clubbing. I'm gonna get all skanked out and meet som guys... Yay! Yeah I know i'm boy crazy, boys are pretty much the only thing I think about. I should really find something more important to concentrate on. It's just I seriously don't know what i'm doing with my life. I know it might sound crazy but what i'd really like, is to be an actress. I don't know though, i'm pretty lazy. It's not like i'm making any effort to like, go through with it. *sigh* I wish I had something more interesting to talk about. After Friday i'll probably have an interesting story. And next week school is starting again. Hurray! My other NYR is to do alot better in school, and do all my homework and everything. Last term I failed every single one of my classes. I was such a slacker. But that's all changed! I am a new and better person! Who... does her homework and kisses boys. Yep. I'm really improving. It's just so hard... cause, i Love having fun, and just chillin' with my friends, but I guess it's time i grew up and like, took some... *cringe*... responsiblity. So, stay tuned for the further developments of Lina's Diary!

So I don't know how to start this. This is my first entry. Hi everyone who is bored enough to read this. So my name is Lina, I live in Canada. Right now i'm still on Christmas break. I'm going back to school on the 20th. I'm sort of happy about that. All I do is sit around in my PJs all day. There's nothing like a break from school to realise how little friends you have. My phone hasn't rung all day. I'm watching Passions right now. That's how sad it is. I'm really looking forward to Friday night. It's my friend's birthday, and we're gonna go clubbing. It'll be a perfect place to apply one of my New Year's Resolutions: kiss more boys. I know, that's a good resolution. It's just I never have any ideas for resolutions when the new year comes along. And for some reason, I always Always keep my New Year resolutions, so i have to find something to... resolve (?) or it'll just be a waste. Anyway the reason i want to kiss more guys is because i've only kissed two boys in my life. And i'm 17. Yes. I know that's very sad. The first time I was 16. It was my prom, and i was drunk, and this guy appeared very attractive to me in my drunken state. Anyways, i saw him again after that, sober, and i realized how wrong i was. After that i never saw him again. The second boy i kissed was Saturday night. I was out with some friends and i got drunk... again. This guy i'd seen before and i thought he was really hot. So I actually was applying my resolution. I was just being Really flirty and we ended up making out for like a 1/2 hour. It was really great, but i won't see him again. Now i just need to find someone new... Okay this entry is making me sound like a drunk skanky slut. Which is like the opposite of what I am. The thing is i'm a pretty shy person, and, like, when you drink, you loosen up a bit. But i really don't drink ALOT, just when i'm out, like partying or something. Anyways, i'd like to have a first kiss with a guy that doesn't involve alcohol... maybe that should've been my NYR...