Yeah so i think me and Y are like boyfriend- girlfriend now or something. It's my first boyfriend so i don't really know how to act but i think it's going quite well. We're going to the waterslides tomorrow, but the problem is now i don't know if i'm supposed to pay for my entry. Last night he texted me asking 'do you know how much it is?' i said 'no idea' but i had just checked the price earlier that day. It's 29$. So i think that's alot of money for him to spend on me, but i don't want it to be all awkward and whatnot, figuring out who's paying for the ticket. i mean i don't even really know if it's official or not, like, i slept over at his house last week (just slept) and the next day he goes "i like your ass" and then he goes "it's mine now"... so i guess that must mean we're an item, right? i dunno. It's not like i wanna go being with anyone else, although i did make out with both AH and T after we had our first date at the movies, but that's totally different... But i still have all these other guy friends like johnny and this other guy MA who call me and come over to my place to drink and chill and stuff, and i don't know if i'm like supposed to be doing this. Like, i don't know if he's fooling around with anyone else, but i guess at this point it's not serious enough for me to really care. But is it serious enough for me to let him pay? or is it new enough for him to pay? Confuse..... ion

So I've got an apartment FINALLY. I am moving out on July 1st. I need to start packing now. It's so weird. It doesn't really feel real somehow. I signed the lease, i gave a deposit, so it's really happening. V isn't moving in with us though so her crazy mom won't be able to ruin everything this time. Oh and i talked to V finally again and everything is fine. We talked for like 3 or 4 hours last night about all the stuff we've missed. I told her all about my feelings for T and she told me "you can go out with him, but he'll probably cheat on you" cause he cheats on his girlfriends... which i know, but, you know. i can't help it. I go crazy for him... Plus if i can't have sex with him... oh but T what the fuck why do you want to torture me?! So i went over there 2 days ago to give him his friggin movie, and i couldn't even say anything, i wanted to tell him how i felt and instead i was acting like a dumbass. Tripping over stuff and fumbling around. He even asked me as i was leaving "t'es- tu comme ca a cause de moi?" and i said no of course, and he said "tu peux me le dire, ca me ferais plaisir" I just looked at him and i left. I made a decision yesterday. I can't call him anymore. It's too stupid. If he calls to chill again and do E, i don't know what the fuck i'm gonna say, but... Actually, i don't want to do e with him for one night. I wanna see what it's like being with him completely sober. If we still like eachother... i mean when he's high he says i love you and stuff. It's so crazy. It all feels so real. We talk about everything and cry in front of eachother. But you can't base a relationship on drugs. god i am really messed up. And now i'm just running away again. Just like he said. But i can't be like this it's no good for me. And he's not the one. so,... i'll keep waiting. And waiting... Oy.

oh boy it's been a long time but it's just sitdiary went all weird on me it's like i don't really trust it anymore. Anyway i don't have much time to type cause i'm going to the movies but it's just to say I've been super busy moving and whatnot, and also i met a guy on saturday call him Y, i went out with him last night and we kissed and it was just probably the best date i've ever had i think about T compared to him and he's just some scrawny little drug addict to me. God this guy is just the most perfect kisser to me. He's supposed to text me today from work so i'm waiting by the phone now like some stupid girl. o well ...

I'm meeting guys everywhere these days. I'm gonna have to start numbering them. There was the one i met the other time, CB, whom i called back after having a crying fit over T, and now he calls and texts me everyday. I saw him once, we drove around downtown and stuff. He's ok. He drives an intrepid, and it's cool, he's hot and everything, but, i dunno, he talked to me all about his ex girlfriend, and i was all like "i don't care dude". I dunno maybe i'm too picky or i don't know what, but every guy fucking bugs me. I met another one yesterday. He's cute, but he's 27. He doesn't drive, he has a bike, and he's a musician. Drummer to be exact. And he's all into talking about world events and bashing george bush and shit, And i really don't give a shit about that stuff, so... bleh i dunno. Then there's this other guy i met today on the way to the metro. He was riding a bike, and one of the first things he asks me is if i'm a hooker. Oy. This is my romantic life. And of course, with all these guys i suddenly have, the only person i can think about is the one i can't have. T. I think about him constantly, i dream about him, i imagine him with me, i talk to him... It's not as bad as it was though. But now i know that he's gonna call me in a few weeks, or even months, and it'll all come back, even worse. What should i say to him? No we can't see eachother anymore? I don't wanna love you? Fucking asshole. Fucking Fucking Asshole.

This sucks ass. I'm falling for him. Hard. And i don't know how to make him... fucking... understand or... know... i want him to be the one. What am i saying?? i want him to be which one? Shit it's thundering outside. AAAaarrrGGhhh! You know when all you can think about is that one fucking person? But why him? Why is this happening? is this really real? IS IT????!!!!!! HOW CAN I TELL!!!!!!!!! WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I TELL HIM HOW I FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE COCKSUCKER SHIT BITCH GODDAM FUCKING FEEL?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!

In Extreme anger, i wrote a post ranting about my father yesterday. It failed to save, which, i don't know if it's good or bad, but it is what it is. I didn't have the energy to type it all up again, but, in any case, knowing that i felt that way was a revelation to me. So, what is new... Turns out, i am Not fired. My boss finally called me to say i work on saturday sunday now, as oposed to friday saturday sunday. I guess i'm happy, but i feel a little crazy, because this is the second time now that i think i'm fired from this job. I guess i better face the truth: I Work There! But now i don't know if i'll be able to make it to the wedding, since i finish at 10pm that day. Oh well... As for my new boy, CB, he called me the other day and i was half asleep so he said he'd call me back, but later on he started texting me, and we texted back and forth for a bit until he was like "are you busy cause i want to see you" To which my hard-to-get self replied, "i can't tonight". To which he replied nothing, and i haven't heard from him since. You know what? i think i give up. I think i'm just gonna go lie down in a ditch and die. Because nothing good ever happens to me it seems, and everything i do appears to be wrong. So what the hell is wrong with me? i wish i knew. I wish i Freakin' knew...

Ugh... so i was working saturday, and i called V about the wedding and to ask if i could borrow her skirt, and she was like "well, we'll be leaving there at around 1am because we have a ride, and it's pretty far, you won't be able to be there before 11:30", so i'm all "ok so what should i do, just not go?" and she's like "well i want you to come" and i said "ya i wanna go too" so i thought i should take a cab, and she said ya good idea, and so i finished at 10, and i decided i ddnt feel like taking a cab all the way, so i thought i'd take the metro, and take a cab from there, cause the metro's pretty fast anyways. So i call V once i get there because i forgot the directions, and she's like, I've been trying to call you! There's no ride for you! And i'm all what the hell! Why did you let me come all the way here???! And she's like "there's no space in the car, so there's no ride for you" and i'm like what are you talking about?? What the fuck am i supposed to do now? And she's like "i dunno what to do" and i'm like "what am i supposed to do, go home now?" and she's like "well i don't know, you can call my friends X and Y, they're playing pool tonight" and i'm like "oooookkkkaaaaayyyy" and so i actual was so desperate i called this guy, that i've met maybe twice, and so i told him my situation, stupidly, and then he's all "oh that sucks, let me call you back in 5 minutes" obviously i didn't hear from him... so i called XL, some other guys i knew, nobody was picking up or up for anything, i called V back like 3-4 times and she didn't answer, maybe she knew that it was to yell at her, and so finally, as a last resort, i called him. Yes, T of course. He was out with some friends and i said i wanted to chill and so he left his friends for me and he was there about an hour later. I thought that was really nice. On my way to his house, which was just a 15 minutes from where i was, i saw a patch of flowers. i'm not sure what kind, daisies maybe, anyway so i decided to pick one for him because i thought it was really sweet of him to meet me like that last minute. So i was waiting in front of his house, and when he showed up he came out of the car with his roommate, and so i just dropped the flower because i thought it would look really stupid giving it to him in front of his friend. Later on he went outside for some reason, and he came back with that same flower and gave it to me, i guess he found it on the step, and i smiled, and i didn't say anything. So we took an E together as we usually do and watched movies and we talked and it was amazing and i complained about V and how mad at her at was and it just felt amazing, i could tell him everything i felt and i wanted to tell him even more... and when we kiss, like, fuck... it's like fucking magic. Now i can't stop thinking about him and he was supposed to call me today and he hasn't so now i feel like shit, and on top of it i'm not really speaking to V. So it's pretty bad, but on the bright side i got offered a job at this cool clothing store downtown, so i need to call the guy tomorrow and hopefully that'll work out. I'm moving out with CCG only now for sure. We found a REALLY cheap place in a really good neighborhood but we haven't visited yet because the landlords are never reachable. I'm really excited about this, even though it might not be perfect, it's moving out, it's me on my own, and it's amazing.

I went to Vs neighborhood yesterday to buy some clothes i've been meaning to get but didn't have enough money, and there were these white pants i wanted to get from buffalo that were 100$, and extremely sexy. I looked really hot in them when i tried them on last time and i needed to buy them. So i went over there, and, just my luck, the store is closed down for renovations for a month. They just closed last week. What the hell?! On top of it, i found out they just had a huge sale to get rid of everything right before they closed. Imagine i could've gotten those pants so fucken cheap! Anyway, i hung out with V, and these 2 brothers, J and D, to smoke joints obviously. They're really nice. They're the rare type of guys who know how to just hang out with girls without hitting on us all the time... Or maybe it's just me that guys just wanna try to get in my pants all the time... In any case. J & D are really chill, and they invited us to their cousin's wedding on Saturday. So it'll be chill. We get to dress up and it's open bar :-P... And i can go since i don't have a job anymore, clearly. My boss was supposed to call but... i guess i'm just being ditched... I'm still pretty upset about that whole thing. I don't think i can move out anymore, and he hurt my feelings so bad... i liked him. Whatever on my way home last night i was all stoned and stupid so i took the wrong bus, which took me way way out of the way before i realized i wasn't on the right bus. So i was walking around in this foreign neighborhood, all lost, and i went to ask directions to some construction workers. They told me where there's another bus and i finally got to the metro and went home. But once i got to my metro it was really late and it was really scary looking and so i started jogging a bit so i'd get there faster. But then this guy pulls up in this really hot car and he's like, are you ok? and i just said yea i just felt like running cause i'm a little scared. And he thought i was running away from someone cause i was being attacked or something. In retrospect i should've told him "yeah, that's what happened." and made up some fantastical story of being chased by crazy people and running away.... (why can't my life be like that?) In any case, he offered to drive me home, and it wasn't very far, so i said "sure", since he was really cute and sweet looking. So we talked a bit, and it turns out he's a model, he goes to school, but he's 18yrs old! So he's a little young but i actually like that i mean older guys always seem more bitter. Young guys are more exciting some how. Besides whatever he's gonna be 19 in 2 months we're only a few months apart. So i gave him my number and he txted me last night to say goodnight and called me today, but i was sleepy so he said he'd call me back. Anyway i like him for now he's really cute. So he's a model so i'm gonna call him Cover Boy. CB. ok

Imma friggin idiot. I went out last night with XL, his friend, and some girlfriends of mine. We drank before, and we went to this bar/club. It was actually pretty cool. We were all drunk and dancing, and we had some tequila shots and it was pretty great. One of my friends, G, hooked up with some dude and spent the night pretty much with him, and so i was talking to XL's friend, C, whom i've known for a while but haven't seen in a long time. I gave him my number and stuff, and i was actually interested in him for some reason... actually the reason was i was drunk. So finally XL gave me a ride home, and somewhere in between that time and the next morning, my phone disappeared. I tried calling it today but it's nowhere in my house, and now i keep calling XL to find out if i left it in his car, but he's probly asleep or something cause he's not picking up. That's the shittiest thing about being drunk. You always lose some shit and completely forget what happened the next day. Anyhow... hopefully it's not gone forever... On top of it my boss, or ex-boss, is supposed to call me today to "let me know", so if he calls and leaves me a firing message i won't even be able to argue with him or beg to get my job back. So that's it. It's pretty fucked but it can only be uphill from here right?

Well well, what an interesting evening. I think i called every guy i know last night to do something and they ALL said no, for one reason or another. So me and V met up anyways, got drunk off Vodka, and decided to go out and have a good time. We ended up at some bar that was empty except for the staff. We left soon after, we were walking in the rain, and then these guys in a car called us over and they were cute so we talked to them, and they were going to smoke a joint so we hopped in with them. They were like these preppy little rich kids, but they were funny and sweet. We got to one of the guys' house, it was this huge beautiful house, and his parents were off at there chalet. So anyway we smoked a joint, and i ended up hooking up with the guy who's house it was. He was hot, and smart, so... Anyway it was good at first, but then we went to bed and he was trying to do stuff to me and trying to get me to give him a hand job and i did it for like a couple seconds but it was too gross i had to stop. And he was all "come on, come on". Anyway so finally we fell asleep and snuggled a bit, and the next morning i had cheerios and he drove us home. He didn't even get my number or nothing. Oh well... Anyway it was just what i needed. To do shit with someone. Last night i had a drunken realization that i need somebody to do shit with, otherwise all this stress is building up and what not. Like a "kiss friend" or something, who's cute and chill that i can do shit with without feeling weird after. I actually had a few drunken realizations last night, that are too crazy to talk about right now.

i think i just got fired. My boss i have a crush on just called to tell me i'm not working this week, and his brother is going to work instead, because there's been alot of people coming in and out. So he'll call me on Sunday to let me know. He didn't sound nice and happy, either. He sounded like an asshole. That means i'm fired doesn't it. yep. i think i want to go die now. i'm supposed to go to laronde with V later,... how am i gonna tell her? and CCG? that i don't have a freakin job. I wish i wasn't so useless. i really want to die. This isn't good. this sucks ass.

Well i'm friggin bored... i should be working right now but i'm stupid so i'm not. I'm eating ice cream, waiting for V or at least somebody to call to hang out. I called her earlier and she said "maybe later" cause right now she feels like shit cause she has cramps. Erg... I'm feeling so down these days. Maybe XL will want to do something. He called me yesterday but i was too tired to go out. fuck i feel like crap. But i think that it's in these times that i become more focused on my future and do the most for myself, becoming more productive and driven. It's also in these times that i do irrational things like hooking up with a mistake or calling people that i shouldn't be calling. But anyways, so far nothing is happening. I'm just being depressed and eating ice cream. I feel like getting wasted tonight. Off something delicious like Sangria. And hooking up with someone hot. but no. But.... o no.

yes well today i'm going to straighten my hair and get a haircut, and after that look for apartments with CCG, and maybe call some places. I also need a new job because my pathetic 22hrs a week at 8.60$ and hour isn't going to cut it. We visited this really nice apartment the other day at 700$, and the lady decided not to rent to us because we're young and stuff... Anyway, i'm getting pretty annoyed with the whole thing, more and more every day. Also, the search for my soulmate isn't going exactly as i planned. At least the weather is beautiful and i have some nice new clothes to show off. So not much happening, except yesterday i ran into the only guy i ever gave a hand job too. He looked really really good. And i was acting super cool, too. We were in a park, and when he left he was like, alright well maybe we'll come by and see you another day. Anyways... I was really into this guy at one point. I'm glad i've evolved past him. I'd still do stuff with him though cause i'm really horny these days.

"when I first coded sitDiary, I wrote it with a bit of deprecated code which later turned out to be not so .. secure, so we turned off the part of PHP that made it unsecure..." Huh? Anyways, all i have to say is thank god for guys like Scott who know php and codes and blablabla, so that little jay's like me can publicly rant about their horrible TORTUROUS lives full of pain, anguish, and loneliness on their iMacs with cable connection as they download music, chat on msn, and talk on the phone all at once. I guess you don't know what you have 'til it's gone... in any event, i'm just glad all my entries haven't been erased, because when i was clicking on them the other day, i was horrified to see the message saying "entry does not exist". So anyway i'm gonna go save all my entries on a CD now, and i'll never take sitdiary for granted again.

My boss is HOT. his name is B. He makes me wanna... i don't even know. I wish he would grab my hand one day, take me into his office, and start making out with me. Oh man that would be fucking sexy. I have to stop this or i'll go mad. I won't be able to look at him in the eye again. My job is too stressfull. The only actual work is folding towels and answering the phone, but the stress i feel from dealing with so many hot guys everyday is almost unbearable. After my boss leaves for the day, i need to go have some water, breathe slowly, and relax to try to calm myself down. It just occured to me that i might not have this problem if i wasn't a Virgin. Man what am i waiting for? Mark Ruffalo? Yes.

hmm.. I wrote yesterday but i guess it didn't save properly. Anyway. All i basically said was that i have a crush on my boss, and i was gonna go out with MC for lunch. Well, i did, and it turns out he's not the one for me. I could go into detail about the horribleness of the entire date but all i'm going to say is we did his laundry. That should give you an idea.

My life sucks right now... I'm so bored i don't know what to do with myself. No actually it's not that i'm bored i'm just restless. I want to be excited and have fun. It seems like these days it's so fuckin rare. I don't like work anymore, there's like twice as much towel folding to do and i just got my paycheck and i'm missing SO much money so now i have to figure it out with my boss and ARGH i just feel so frustrated all the time i need to let out all my aggression somehow. I want a guy. i want to touch someone and kiss someone hot. I'm going crazy here. Shit. This sucks. Oh so this guy who comes to my gym cancelled me for wednesday, but now he wants to have lunch on monday. So i said yes... we'll see where that goes. i'm so unhappy but i don't know why

Fun night last night. We went over to V's "man friend's" house and she and the guys taught me how to play poker, texas hold'em. I lost really fast, obviously, but at least there was no money involved. Before we got there we got stoned a bit, and we were talking about guys, and there stupidness, and i said "i guess no guy's perfect, you have to kindof accept there flaws" and she said "yea but you can have certain requirements that they need to fill for them to be perfect for you." and i said "but what if you have too many requirements and no guy can live up to them" and she said "is that how it is for you?" and i said "maybe" and she said "well maybe you should prioritize, have some qualities be more important then others" and i said "yeah, that's a good idea... i dunno cause it's like as soon as i find a flaw in a guy i just totally cut him off " and she goes "well, that's crazy... that's just.... crazy." So here i am, about to create a list of requirements for my perfect man. So that when i find him, he will not escape me: My Perfect Man 1- is cute (to me, at least) 2- has a good style (similar to mine) 3- loves cuddling 4- loves kissing 5- gives me kisses and holds my hand all the time (even in public) 6- isn't serious. He loves goofing around and acting crazy and laughing. he is a goof. like me i guess. but he's still 7- manly. and sexy. And turns me on when he lifts heavy things. And 8- his arms are really sexy too. Not all big and bulky, but nice shape, toned or whatever. 9- drives 10- is fun and exciting. Unpredictable. He takes me on crazy adventures. 11- Is as smart as me. 12- cooks, because god knows i don't 13- puts up with my craziness. If i refuse to search for Anything in the fridge , that's just how it is. 14- knows how to deal with me when i'm being stubborn, bitchy, moody, annoying, childish, whiney, or selfish. 15- he knows how to take control of a situation. and he's 16- Brave. and defends my honor when necessary. 17- He thinks i'm beautiful. All the time. 18- He thinks i'm wonderful, always. 19- He loves consoling me when i'm down. 20- Respects my boundaries. 21- Trusts me 22- Is trustworthy 23- Strong 24- Sweet and caring 25- kisses my eyelids when i'm asleep.

You see what getting fired can do to a person? I lost ALL my self confidence. i was prepared to sit and sulk in my room for the rest of my life. But then my boss from the gym called and said my schedule is the same as last week's. So i was overreacting for nothing. Obviously. So it's going well. I decided that i'm just not cut out for the food industry. It's just as well; it makes me sick looking at the way food is prepared. Even at Subway. Urgh... So anyhow, i went out with V on friday to celebrate my non firing, and we got drunk beforehand, and then we didn't know where to go, so we called a bunch of guys we know who all ended up ditching us, so we finally went to some bar we'd gone to before. The owner was there and he was getting us all these extra drinks, and shooters, and by the time we left we were so fucked out of our minds it wasn't even funny. I don't even remember alot of it. We were just talking and flirting with a bunch of guys, and for some reason i decided it was a good idea to call AH, but he didn't answer, so then i called his friend who was also going out with L for a time, and we talked or whatever, and i told him i still loved L even though i didn't talk to her, and i still loved AH too,... it was all quite embarrasing. But anyway, you have to be prepared for that stuff when you're drunk i guess. So this owner drove us to my place, and he was in the car with this other guy who was trying to make out with me, and i was so out of it i let him for a few seconds until i realized what was going on, and i pushed him off me. So we got to my house, and i puked, and i woke up the next morning with the worst hangover of my life. I threw up like 4 times, and i felt like shit, i couldn't move, couldn't eat, couldn't do anything. V was fine though. And on top of it i had to work at 3. At 2 i finally got up and dragged myself to the shower. I was like 20 minutes late for work wih no make up, looking like hell, every step i made i wanted to kill myself. So i'm sitting at reception lying on my desk, wanting to die, and so the guy who works at the office that i find really really hot came in and he's all, are you feeling ok? and i'm like, i want to throw up. And he went and got me some pepto bismol, which was nice of him. Anyway so i don't know if i've mentioned him before, but there's this other guy who comes to my gym, that i've had a bit of a thing for, and so he finally asked me out yesterday. On wednesday he wants to go to this club called lodge, so i'm gonna bring v so she can meet him and tell me what she thinks. But now i'm not even sure if i like him anymore. Now that he's asked me out i kinda don't care anymore about him. Anyway we'll see i'll keep you posted.

well, three days. It's not my record, but it's close. That's how long i worked at the cafe. the boss called me last night to tell me she thought the work was "too hard" for me. So, ovbiously, serving coffee and making sandwiches is too hard for me. Imagine what it'd be like having a Real job. I probably couldn't even get one. oh by the way i'm probably fired from the gym where i do reception. i called again today and nobody's telling me anything, so... i have no idea if i should come in tomorrow or not. Basically i want to die. So, that's my story.