Well I see we meet again. Well I have to tell you, what I am. Trust me its not pretty. I am a fake. A lier a Cheater (i've never cheated on some one though), An athlete, a bisexual, a asshole a jerk. I'm Shallow, I fucking hate my life. There is nothing wrong with it. I'm not beaten. i dont have chores. I have almost A great little life. Its me, I'm the problem. I fucking hate me. Its that simple, I wish It was different. I am a monster. I have no disregard or remorse. I really wish i wasnt me. I just want to step out mof my body for ever. I want to take the cowards way out. i want to end my suffering and pain. But My pain is sharp and constant. I dont really want to prevent it from happening to others. In fact I want to inflect as much of my pain on others as possible. And I have. You see, I am a horrable person. I'd do anything to get me child hood back. I used to think about "How does the grass grow" now, I ponder why does it continue to grow? If only to die. Because its unaware of its own death? Like animals. And let me ask you, when was the last time you did, what you really, really wanted? I'll tell you why you didnt, because you think you'll be condemed to hell by god. and the same reason you dont kill, or rape, or comit suicide, be cause you fear what will happen to you. If god exeisted, he'd be withering, or dead. And if you have god, you have to have his polar oposite, the devil. And guess what, he doesnt exist either. if he did, youd be reading something written by Satan right now. Heavan and hell are right here on earth. I'm not trying to come of as riougis, and I'm not saying I have the answers. But Life is what you make it. I am a Monster. I am fat, I have no emotion I have no faith. I No longer fear anything. I am what i am, i am a terrable person. I use people. I am fake. If you ever get to know the real me, it'll be to late. I'll have hurt you already. Some people look at it the same way as i do, "if it feels good, do it" But the others, who get attacthed get an uncureable hurt. I am emo, I am depressed, I am nothing more that wasted life. There are really only 4 people I miss. Kenzie, Rhionnon, Crow, and Jessica. In case you dont know, Crow, was my father figure for the majority of my life. He has just resently been diagnosed with diabetes, and is coming to terms with being and alchoholic. Kenzie is the girl who I never really knew how she felt about me. But I've liked her for the past 4 years. Rhionnon, was my friend, who is in a hospital probably because of me, i miss her dearly. We both came from the same backround. Expeirienceing simlar tragidys. Jessica, well she's the girl i met over the internet, who i thought i loved, shit i might have actually loved her. But just Like the rest, she left me. As for you who I hurt with this, dont be hurt. The only reason i havent listed the things we've shared is because i've never lost you. At least not in the ways i have these 4. I am a nightmare. I am your Dream man, but with time that is all i will ever be. Shattered dreams. I think alot. Usually about how I've done people wrong, and about girls I've fucked over, and the onse that have fucked me over. And about how I've let myself down. Because i never acted on things that could have been great, and that I just fucked up because I'm stupid. i also let others down. Yes I am a Liar. But I asure you that everything in this is true. I am a poet, I've been told that its pretty good, but deep down I know, its not true. It bullshit, just like me. I am no good. Why people waste there time on me is a wonder. They might say they love me, and I'm sure some of them Might, but y, I have done nothing but left a path of destruction. My mother told me a few days ago, that she missed me, which is probably true, she hadent seen me for a couple of days. What she deosnt realise is that i havent been her son for about a year. It only seems like forever. I think alot, and I change alot, in fact, i've changed sence i began writing this. I've lost hope, I regained it, and lost it again, I am just this, garbage. I cant recall the last time I smiled a real smile. I've been told I am quit charming. Ok. I am however, not rude or a slob. I have great manners, and am very pollite. Your parents would love me. I'm bad, I'm good, I'm stong, I'm likable, my company is enjoyable, I'm just gathering informationg about myself, that others have told me. At least 3 people have asked me, why cant all guys be like you, not me, like me. I am the dream guy, but because of the way i look no one cares to take the time to get to know me. Yes i am qutie bipolar at times. I am all these things I've said, But I am also honest. I think about killing people. With no emotion about it. i know how I should feel but I dont. In the most simplest way to explain this to you, I am a waste of life, and the world with be a much better place once I am gone frome it. Dont cry for me, I have no use for it -NeilyBoy