i dont know what i need to write. normally, i could sit here, and it would flow out of me as it needed to. nothings flowing anymore. im not happy. i mean, im generally a very happy person. i am chirpy. i smile for everyone, im genuinely interested in what others have to say, i can build a conversation on anything if i need to. i try not to be miserable. but god, im so fucking sad. im hurting. i cant admit it. i find myself staring out of windows, at blank spaces, and it takes me a moment to recover. i dont know what i was thinking about, but for those few seconds, im lost, and something feels calm. incredibly sad, but calm. i dont wanna be like this, but i know it doesnt go away. its always been around, and always will be. reading back through this journal, i can see the progression of myself through the years. The earliest recorded date is August 2004, almost 2 years ago. i feel that ive come a very long way. ive grown up immensely; my attitudes to most things have changed completely; all my old friends are gone, my old life is gone, and i'm sitting here with a new old one. but its still here. im always so positive. i try to be. i want to cry. i dont understand. i feel like somethings been scraped out from inside me somewhere, and i haven't noticed yet. im waiting for the rush to come on, then the pain afterwards. but i think im stuck somewhere in between. theres a sort of numbness that you get with the adrenalin of a wound, that stops you really feeling. im very, very angry. i hate, but i hate nothing at all. i simply have a burning passion, thats not directed at anyone or anything. it shows when im stressed, it floods out slightly. it makes me seem incredibly passionate about some things; i'll talk and sound as though im ranting. it scares me. i dont know. i dont know if this makes sense, i dont know if this is just a repeat of what ive already written a thousand times before. my best friends are junkies. my father thinks im a junkie too. they're hardly friends. i dont know. i need to scream. i dont understand any of this. ive worked so hard to be happy, i really have! it just doesnt work. i dont know. its 120am and i need a walk. my head hurts. my jaw is tight, my neck feels sore. i keep grinding my teeth, its a new habit. i hum when im anxious. my head really, really hurts.