i've been reading this webcomic PVP for... couple years at least. normally my attentionspan hops off to something else and i switch, forgetting it exists at all. i've hopped from Machall.com to a couple pixellated video game comics, one based off final fantasy, and the other just looks like it ought to be an old school side-scroller. no links, becuase, well, the bored and switching thing, dont even remember the name of the comics. oh ya, and megatokyo.com, must have megatokyo, it's one of the great landmarks of the internet, in the dorkwalks anyway. so, tangent. right, pvp, so i actually keep coming back to this one b/c it's the best blend of what i love about comics. it's short, with a sunday edition, he was testing it out in real papers last i'd heard, dont know if he's still doing that. anyway, so it's like a paper comic length, four, five panels, short, quick gags, setting each other up for the longer ones, some nice running gags (and some just strange ones, giant panda attack! tho he tops it with baby panda attack! the very definition of an injoke. tangent.) anyways, it's not too heady, but it's not empty and. well. look, go here, for the storyline in discussion starts here: http://www.pvponline.com/archive.php3?archive=20051010 poor kurtz is like, mr.overanalyzed, if they're gonna beat on somebody, it's going to be scott kurtz and pvp. short of penny arcade (which i've never actually read, btw, hm) i dont know of any webcomic that comes under fire more consistently. he even wrote me back when i emailed him a while back!>^_^< anyway, this storyline is what made it all click, it's pretty typical of the series. then then characters fall asleep. kurtz leaps from consistently good, insightful and pretty cool, to one of those anime moments, like at the end of Evangelion where, you either get it, and you love him for it becuase it's way more than anything carrying the title 'webcomic' ever should be, or you don't get it, and in your smallmindedness you reject it for being what it is: an artform. i know i'm going off the deepend on this one, i'm overanalyzing and lavishing praises like the bajillion other pathetically-social-life-starved geeks out there, but when brent has his subconcious exploration of his own deep fears and plays out his emotions... it's like reading a book. it's like the end of Crime and Punishment, when the psycho suddenly realizes he's human. that's a bit much perhaps, but it's character equivalent. look. my point is, this is too deep for a webcomic. it reaches the emotional depths and intensities that pyr0's been trying to with megatokyo since it's inception. and kurtz does it casually, and it makes sense. anyway, for me, pvp is everything it should be.

I wonder if it's sad that angry music puts me in a good mood. welp, a good christmas in all, i must say. i took like, almost two weeks off work and boy oh boy did i need it. spent all my christmas money on a psp. freakin' love this thing. it's totally a 'me' gadget. if i can figure out how to get the homebrew apps running, i'm gonna squeal. or maybe... something more macho. nope, i'll prolly giggle like a maniac on vicatin. i think i sound like the joker, lol. Got this like, encyclopedia-set sized collection of calvin adn hobbes, which apparently is like the end-all be-all collection. it's too heavy for bathroom reading material, lol. more like an oxford dictionary. hm, searching for something substantial... nope, i'm happy, so not much to gripe about. the psycho half-bobcat's been good, hope he holds out for another day before he returns to his usual living terror arrangement, i can't handle him without the sister-person here. on a side note, gay as it sounds, i'm passively looking at finding a school-thing to get certified or whatever to be a hairdresser, since i'm suspended and all for this semester from real school, and kinda hate "real" school now anyway. hey, fat guys gotta eat too. though i bet i could prove that one wrong for at least a month before gnawing a leg off and sauteing it in butter. why hasn't homestarrunner.com updated in a month? T_T they..they can't be gone, say it ain't so, say it ain't so... oh, and poop, i left my guitar at the house, crap, now i've only got the red accoustic/electric again, and it sounds terrible accoustic after my loverly crappy 12/now 6 string. poop i say.

it really is the best page in the universe... click and read in the "news" link to really be pissed off^_^ http://maddox.xmission.com/ ...totally getting a t-shirt, prolly the '3 animals' one.

Wish I could find what I was good at. I *love* singing and playing my guitar, but I’m never happy with what I hear, and I always feel like I’m forcing family to sit thru whatever song again. I feel like a burden. I feel like I’m pushing against myself. When I hear what I sound like, I want to quit, it’s not what it ought to be. I want to find what I’m good at. I want to feel adequate. I want to feel like I’m not wasting my time. I know I’m begging for attention, I just wish I felt like there was more. Singing’s supposed to make me feel happy

this is an email i sent a friend, more came out of me than i expected, so i'm pasting here b/c it fits. as follows: hiyas^_^ no problems with the wait, i figure it's end of semester for you guys as well and any and all exciting projects/homework/papers other cleverly devised school tortures are scrambling to get finished. i'm done with this semester, and omg... worst. semester. ever T_T i *really* dont want to talk about it, but let's just hope your grades are much, much better *sob, sniff, blows nose really loudly into a kleenex* NEXT!! *ahem* are you going to the party thing tonight? i hope so, the more people i talk to, the more i think the only ones that will be there that i actually like will be managers, and that's so...i dunno. heh, that santa we have tuesday? that's going to be me, lol. joe asked me a while back to be santa on tuesday. okay, i'm cool with that, but he's never said *anythign* about being santa at the party. i had to mention it off hand, this morning, "gee, i hope you dont think i'm santa tonight, too" and he's like "of course you, who else?". okay, look, not once, ever, has he mentioned or even hinted at me being santa at the party. i want to go to the party, not play santa all night. i dont mind being the nice guy, i *like* being the nice guy, i like that people apparently feel that i'm reliable and nice enough to depend on for stuff like that, i do, however, resent that because i'm a nice guy, people assume i'm giong to do whatever they tell me to. once, yes, yes i did and would have, but i've learned i can't do that. i'm sure i'm probably dance around some emotional scarring somewhere and this probably sounds incredibly bitter, but i learned if i wanted to do what *I wanted to do, then i'd have to say no. i said no, i want to go to the party, and that he'd never once said anything about this at all up till now. this is so much like my dad, he gets excited with the thought of 'what he's going to do for everybody', makes all these plans, gets stuff organized, adn doesn't tell anyone else, assuming that somehow because it's special and for us, we'll sense our place in things and fall into line behind him, becuase he's leading, after all, and after all, that's the point. it's for us, but only when it's for him. sorry, i'm dumping and i didn't think any of this was lurking beneath the surface of "i dont want to be santa tonight, tomorrow is fine". lol. sometimes it feels like everytime i open my mouth, and issue falls out. if for some strange reason you want to hear more whining, go here: http://sitdiary.net/brainscratch but i will warn you now: this is not the nice me, this is where i go to dump the things i dont want to think about, the place a pull out the thoughts i dont want floating around inside my head. that and i'm not sure how much language i use, so pg-13 warning, i think. i've become such a potty mouth :( well, we started this thought, so we'll finish. all of the above ultimately brings me back to the real point i think, i feel like such a disappointment. i disappoint joe b/c i'm not the bright shiny willing-to-do anything that he thought i was, i disappoint my parents b/c i'm struggling in school and have no true excuse or reason past "i'm not motivated" i disappont myself b/c i know i'm not a disappointment, i know i'm capable, but i dont feel like i've ever proven it to myself, or that i've ever, *ever* truly shined like i can. i dont feel i've *ever shown my true colors, like i've only flown with one wing this whole time, and ya it's nice if you dont expect much, but it's nothing like what i see i can really do. i'm built to surprise. i'd soar if i could just stop falling. well if that's not melodrama i dont know what is. i'm gonna stop here, i think i'm finished for now, hope i havne't scared you off, this is exponentially more intense than i intended for a first email. hope life is nice and dull and consistent and happy over there. anyway, tata for now (ttfn!) on a complete side note, i'm looking into seeing if i can get tested and certified my Mensa (www.mensa.org) i just think it'd be cool and be a confidence booster. i feel that i know i can qualify.

freakin love QSA, they're one of those groups i'm suprised anyone else likes too, since my tastes seem to run strange (google "Mindless Self Indulgence" as an example, their content isn't exactly my shtick, but the sound...wow. and it's not the wow you think, lol, just. dude. o.O) digging back thru albums i've bought and then not listened to. i dont know why i do that. i'm like oo! suchandsuch *pounce* then dump it in a pile when i get home. in today's pile we have (partially listened to) Mindless Self Indulgence--You'll Rebel to Anything, Green Day--American Idiot, Seether--Disclaimer2, Audioslave--Out of Exile, Jimmy Eat World--Futures, System of a Down--Hypnotize. i want the last fountains of wayne, but as you see, i have a pile. oh ya, and untouched are Tim McGraw--Set This Circus Down (he covers Tiny Dancer, rarely do i buy an album for one song, this breaks that rule), Kenny Chesney--Songs from an Old Blue Chair, Beck--Guerro and probably other things i dont remember. i spend too much money on crap. Should sell'm back, see what i can get. Before Hastings became teh suck with sellbacks, i used to practically trade stuff back and forth all the time, i usually have an endless pile of junk i dont listen to anymore. i have a pile again, so, ya. on a side note, i do realize that the pile is pretty mainstream, i will point out that missing from my library in their entirety are any and all pronk(punk-rock-pop)bands ala Blink182 (yay! they broke up! >:E) and Good Charlotte (hurry and break up!!) how do these idiots get three, four albums and groups like Harvey Danger disappear without a trace? Gimme Sons of the Desert, the original alt-country band (*cough*deathtokeithurban*cough*)oo! or Deanna Carter (singer-songwriter..ess) Poe (think Garbage) skeleton key (there we go, properly obscure, couldn't even find a listing for this band, lol *revision, found the band's website, they have a second album, just took'm forever...asuming it's not a different band) ok, that's all the pointless rambling we've got time for today, ttfn. *__*

on a complete side note, Tx State just advanced to the next round of the playoffs, we're in the finals, win this game, and we play for the national championship, go bobcats! almost had a nervous breakdown at work yesterday. i dont really know why, it was nothing i could exactly put my finger on, everything *felt* like everything, was just unbearable. i think if i'd been in drive-thru another 10 mins, i would've cracked, i could feel it rising. i dont remember being this fragile before. nearly cried when i got home. i havne't cried in years. not one of those "guy things" just, i just can't anymore. despise feeling crazy. on a side note, i want a new puter. this little crate's nice, but it's starting to show it's age. 3-4 is old for a computer, and in anothersix months i'll be totally obsolete. normally i'd just replace adn upgrade, but we're talking about the processor here, and doubling the amount of ram, and probably a new video card. one, it's a dell, and dells are silicon perfection out of the box as is. well, i tinker. and i upgrade, and i can't help but feel like i can feel teh perfomance hit everytime i swap something out. and i have *no idea what chipset i should be looking for wiht this motherboard. barely found the video card i have now. problem is, this motherboard is last generation, meaning i'm missing a dedicated videocard slot. in non dorkese that means it's not going to work as well as one with "dedicated slot" even if the two cards look the same, there's going to be a fair performance difference. so, ya. gn/bn is that a new crate would only put me back around 500-600, but that's still a big chunk. wow, i've been in college so long, i've got more hours than i'm allowed and still get financial aid for. in short, i'm paying my own way from here out. still no idea what i want to do. waa waa, boohoo, poor me, change the channel already. i hadn't heard of the peterpan complex, but...it really sounds accurate...T_T Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||| 50% Stability |||||| 23% Orderliness |||||| 23% Accommodation |||||||||||||| 56% Interdependence |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Intellectual |||||||||||||||||| 76% Mystical |||||||||||| 50% Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Religious |||||||||||||||| 63% Hedonism || 10% Materialism |||||||||||||||| 70% Narcissism |||||| 23% Adventurousness |||||||||| 36% Work ethic |||||| 30% Self absorbed |||||||||||||||| 70% Conflict seeking |||||||||||| 50% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 50% Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Avoidant |||||||||| 36% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 50% Wealth || 10% Dependency |||||||||||||||| 70% Change averse |||||||||||||| 56% Cautiousness |||||||||||| 43% Individuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Sexuality |||||||||||||| 56% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Physical security |||||||||||||||| 70% Physical Fitness || 10% Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 70% Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 63% Vanity |||||| 23% Hypersensitivity |||||||||| 36% Female cliche |||||||||||||| 56% Take Free Advanced Global Personality Testpersonality tests by similarminds.com

or marsninine, urasian, plutonic. anyway, i eventually went back and got the guitar. it's great, it's really loud and has a fantastic sound,and my fingers are getting used to the feel of strings again. i'd forgotten i always liked the odd numbness the next day. i have guitar callusses again. however that's spelled 9_9 working 30-40 hours still at mcd's, plus we're moving, fun fun. leaving this rat hole and moving to a honeymoon suite by comparison. no really, it's beautiful. rachel's already painting everything and it's really going to feel like home by the time she's done if i ever can motivate myself to move my stuff. i'm borderline phobic about moving, i think (i know) i was traumatized when we moved to edna, and that comes back out everytime i face the prospect of moving again. we're going to leave the hideous monster couch, can't get it out the door, much less perform the acrobatics necesary to get it over the railing and around teh corner, so... they've got themselves a permanant fixture. let the move it, the jerkwads. maybe they'll drop it on the old woman, and her little dog too. you want to know the real reason i haven't updated in like, two months? i've been playing City of Heroes online again, and it's pure digital crack. i never go anywhere, so it's my socializing. ya, i suck like that. tell me tripping out's a better solution and i'll blast you with my freeze ray >:D on a side note, local restaurant has open mic every weds, i think i want to do it, i've got some new stuff i'd like to try out, and i really just need to perform. ought to be interesting if i can get the gumption to do it. too many missed opportunities, only get so many. birthday's the 4th, w00t. so, farewell and go back to bed spacemonkeys.

There’s a tryout, basically, tomorrow. Singer/songwriter competition and the winner gets to perform at the Kerrville folk festival. I know this sounds very backwoods, and I’m sure a good amount of the music at the actual festival is, but it would be pretty nifty to try out. I’m not going to, however. Reality check: I don’t have the confidence. That and I haven’t touched my guitar in…well, pretty much the whole semester. So I’m rather majorly rusty considering I’ve only played sparsely before that. I wonder if that segment in my life is over. I hope not, I enjoy guitar, even if I’m not any good and never play. You know, I got 80 bucks from book buybacks, I ought to haul around to the various pawnshops in town and see if I can pick up a crappo acoustic, that’s really what I want. I have my nifty acoustic/electric, but it feels like such a waste just banging away on it like I do. I don’t even know what I’d perform. I have this sappy wishful/hopeless love song thingy, but I don’t think I’d do that one. I guess I could do nothingman, but I really don’t feel like I’ve hammered out all the kinks. I have an excuse for all of them. But it comes down to confidence. Much as I love my sister, and seriously, much as I bitch about her, she is so sweet I could do so much worse than her so easily, she is of the same musical cut as my dad: guitars aren’t music. I don’t debate or fight with them anymore over this. Tho it still makes me want to tie them to a chair and then run them thru the gauntlet of possible things that can be done with the instrument. We’d start with jimmy Hendrix and eventually end with the nirvana unplugged album, ears pried open ala clockwork orange. Meh. I feel like my songs are too simple, like they’re the sort of thing only I want to listen to, and my musical tastes are so…weird when I talk to other people. I mean, we listen to the same things, but no one else hears whatever the heck it is I hear. If I did a song, and there’s no guarantee I’d only do one, then I’d be in trouble, particularly if I had to do like, three, four forget it. They wouldn’t do four, then you’re an opening act for somebody, lol. Might be nice to go and listen tho. We’re allowed one “musical accompanist”, and I figure everyone else will have a bass or drums or whatever to help out, and once again it’d be half-crazy bleeding heart me spilling of the stool crushing my guitar. Think I’m gonna go get that acoustic tho, assuming I remember in the morning when I wake up. I’m only gonna waste it on video games if I don’t anyway. I think I think I think I have acoustic strings *somewhere* which probably means I’ve already lost them. Besides, I’m not sure I’d want to get up there with an unfamiliar instrument anyway. So I’d use my elec/acc, which I’ve never been quite sure of the sound on. I’m not sure if it’s one of those instruments that needs some level of effect or if it’s like my strat and just fine as a bare tone. You know, I’m not even sure I know where this place is I have to go to sign up. I should really do it, just for the experience. I’ll be the weird awkward bad performance wedged between pompous self-inflated pseudo-geniuses but I don’t think I can do it. But I really should. I had a nice voice, I’ve been screaming along to the radio for too long and have lost a lot of my range. I’m back down to about an octave, used to have around under three. Wah wah wah, cry about things I don’t do to change. Shave off, spacemonkeys. I think I will get that guitar, tho.

and it's due in five hours. i'm such a slacker... *shock* not really... my anime arrived yesterday, i got Trigun and Hellsing and two series i'd seen enough of to be interesting, His and Her Circumstances (tho i seem to keep calling it Kare Kano, darn fansubs...) and Someday's Dreamers. yup, polar opposites, ultra cool action stuff, followed by a teen romance series and some girl that grants wishes. not those kinda wishes!>_< get'cher brain scrubbed. or scratched, while you're here^_^ i've been listening to so much Rage Against the Machine recently. i'm usually cutting edge or ten years behind in my music tastes. i don't really agree with like, 80% of what he says, but you gotta admit these guys were good. or rather, Tom Morello is freakin' amazing. i've heard a ton of guitar players, but not many just blow me away like this guy. i will study at his cd's feet, and perhaps not suck as much when i give up as when i started. or more likely i'll just think about it a lot and never pick up the ol' ax. it'd be collecting dust if it weren't inna case. so the case dusts. collects, that is. "knackered" prolly either means horny or drunk neither of which are true for the moment, tho it'd be *way* too expensive to attempt to get me drunk. i think. i'm too cheap to find out. but so far, ya. anyway, i should start reading so i can write that paper. it's only a couple pages and it's critique, which i can poop out pretty fast, so ya. take off, spacemonkeys.

ethereal, you know like gas. yes, that kind of gas, you can snicker now. that's just sad, now you can quit. cheeze, grow up^_^ meh, ok, right. i'm writing this to thank all of you that wrote in with suggestions, i got considerably more help than i was expecting and i want you guys to know i really appreciate it. that and i felt a little guilty for kinda leaving that one hanging, so, here ya go, a boring filler update. sorry brainie no writey, the semester's winding up and i'm pretty busy between pulling 40 hours at work and getting crap finished up for classes. so that's my excuse. oh, steve and i talked and he seems to have a pretty healthy outlook on the situation, so i can stop worry about hounding him. and i don't *think* he's worried about me chasing after her, but you never know what someone is really thinking. heh,got a new set of speakers. one word: woofer. freakin gotta love a good set of speakers, lol. this ought to piss the smokers off downstairs good and royally, i freakin blast my music, bet their ceiling bounces. i hope so at least, give'm a little hell to pay back for the rest of the sememster, evil pot-monkey bastards... anyways, i have no idea what rammstein's saying...bet my brother would, anyway, i just think it's funny, german is not exactly the language you think of and go "oh honey, how sweet!" , besides with these guys, i seriously doubt it's actually a love song, prolly ironic/poignant playing off that or something, dunno. too lazy to look up lyrics/meanings. ok, that looks long enough, adn i've managed to avoid actually saying anything^_^ and thanks ladies, since all my readers seem to be women. not that i'm complaining^_^ women generally have the best advice anyway. guys' advice is usually like "go after her and if he can't get her too bad" i always wonder if they're hearing a different question than i'm asking. bye!^_^

i always end up in situations like this. so a very good friend of mine, steve, has a huge crush on this girl (...no. it's not me.=_= not this time at least.). he's really sweet, great guy, but he's never spoken to her, and she seems like a really nice girl, but in the wrong crowd. she hangs with the beautiful people. and he's, well, he's a dork, like me. plays video games all day, when he's not playing video games he's obsessing in the gym. anyways, he's really sensitive to this type of thing and shy and would totally kill me if he knew i was writing this adn posting it. ok, here's the crux: he's very idealistic, almost want to use teh word 'innocent', kind of person makes you feel dirty standing next to them, squeeky clean, and she's, like i said, a popular. how can i put this... it's very important to him that his girlfriend not have... previous experience? and he has no clue about women in that regard, but there's no way in hell she's not, compared to him at the very least, fairly well-travelled. i mean, she seems nice and it looks like they'd get along really well if he ever actually talked to her and if she actually noticed/liked him. it's not that he doesn't have a chance, but i don't want to see him hurt. i haven't said anything, hell, i can't explain what it is exactly that's bothering me so much about it here even. i don't want to say anything. but i've chased waterfalls too many times before, i know too well the pain, yadda yadda yadda, and how unneccesary it is to go through. should i say something? i don't want to insult him/piss him off and lose him as a friend, mainly becuase i semi-know the girl, better than he does relatively, and he always thinks becuase he wants something, every one else must want the same thing. very competitive. so i don't want him thinking that i'm trying to talk him out of it becuase i'm giong to go after her myself. i don't have many friends, and i cling to the ones i have like barnacles, so i don't want to scare him off. anybody have any suggestions? ideas? previous experience? good or bad ideas, i'm just taking anything i can get at this point. i really feel like i *should* talk to him, becuase he's already been at this for a while, i mean, yes, if i totally leave him alone he should... ought to...eventually work his way through this, but i'm nosey and don't want to see him hurt. maybe i shouldn't say anything and just be surprised like he is when he figures it out/gives up. if. when. i dunno.

i gotta stop writing in this thing after i get off of work, i'm gonna run out of "tired" synonyms real quick. ha! >u< spelled it without using the spellchecker. ...i did go back adn check it tho. still right. the First TIME!!! why yes, i *am* hyper, why do you ask? uh, right, the thing. rachel--sister--and i were at Gamestop (i dragged her inside) couple days ago, and one of the guys there had a PlayStation Portable--PSP. ((0)_(0)) d00d, it's frickin' awesome!!! it's basically a handheld PS2. amazing. simply amazing that they can do it at all, much less make it commercially available. ok, old fart time: most of you kids do'nt understand, you've always been around computers, you don't remember the NES, maybe the SNES, and Atari? isn't that the name of a band? You see kiddos, i grew up with PC's, literally. 'Round the same time i started school, dad got us a Commodore 64. so with the exception of, like, the first four years of my life--i was in kindergarten the year i turned four, july birthday--there's been a warm, humming machine under a desk in my house. To see the progress that's been made...is staggering. You kids just don't understand, seriously. i was ten by the time you were old enough to be coherent enough to take in things like daddy's/older brother's nifty game box. the consoles were in their second generation by then. The pc's were in their third or fourth. Tanyo? Toshiba? something Japanese with a 'T' (the other major pc after IBM and Mac) had already died. and here we come to my little wet dream: the PSP. ok. so here's teh dirt. if any of you guys really love me, do this: copy and paste my link: http://www.FreePSPs.com/?r=16141255 and do one of their blood-money offers, i recommend Blockbuster Online, i loved it, and you can sign up and like, cancel the next day, and you've still can rent movies for the next month, freakin' awesome. anyway, yes it's extortion, but if five of you guys love me this much, i get my little black fetish-box free *drool* k. oh yes, and totally check out Queens of the StoneAge if you haven't already. I love their first album (dave grohl is overrated as a drummer, he doesn't make that much of a difference) and their second album is great as well. ok spacemonkeys, take off.

no, i *don't* have any idea what they're saying. i like the tune. I’m sure noone reads anyone else’s comments, and that the (for me at least) surprising backlash from the ex in ‘mezzanine’ has gone completely unnoticed. For the five (maybe) of you that actually do read and care, I feel I need… not need, I simply want to clarify that I *do* retain everything that happens to me. Why be alive if you’re avoiding your past? My past formed me, my past continues to form me, whether I’m aware of it or not, I try to be conscious of change. Confronting the problems in my past as I perceive them is not avoiding anything. I’ll say it, Ex: I do not now, nor have I *ever* had any idea what your thing was. Let me clarify a bit of history: I never gave you up, you ran away, to him, I had to let go then, you were asking me to, I *still* didn’t want to let go. Two: I dropped out *after* all that shit happened, I dropped out *because* all that shit happened, you’d already left and were making out/sleeping with/whatever with him when I dropped out for a year. There have been three events in my life that were life/perception altering and changing. Frances, Susan Budd, and The Ex. A friend of mine pointed out something rather obvious to me, now that she points it out (;p), using The Ex’s name is moot. If they don’t know who She is, then a name is meaningless, if they know who I am already, then there’s no doubt who She is that I’m talking about. …I digress, this is not, nor did it even start as being about the Ex. Frances (not The Ex, an ex, however), it started with Frances. In a nutshell, Frances was where my perceptions of how people act, react, change, treat others, whatever, my naïve perception that everyone out there wants to play nicely and get along changed with her. Rather, she reinforced that view, her father, however, whom I’m *still* not sure who he is, for whatever reason, basically forbade her to see me (we’d been going out a whole week) and threatened me if I tried to see her. It was… unimaginable to me, that kind of backlash. The more I think about all of this, the less I want to write about it. I’ve beaten this dead horse already. Ok, then nutshell. Susan, my first Great crush, died within a year after we graduated. Loss. Unexpected loss, and that death comes for us all, when we least expect it. They found she had a tumor wrapped around the base of her spine, and she was dead in three weeks, our salutatorian, or whichever the #1 person is called, always got sal- and val- confused. The Ex taught me that I shouldn’t trust blindly, I should expect some kind of return. That just because I believed with my whole heart that something wouldn’t happen, that someone would never behave in whatever way, that it wouldn’t happen. So there ya have it, don’t even know if I said whatever it was I was going to say, there ya have it. I’m off.

What a week…I don’t know if I even want to talk about it. I am not a poet. It’s official, I’m giving up pretending to be one. Not that I really was, that is, considering myself a poet. The class just makes it that much clearer. So we come full circle: I’m taking the senior poetry class not because I’m a poet, as I said in the beginning, but because the *exercise* of writing poetry strengthens everything else. Random girl left her phone number for me almost two weeks ago now. After avoiding it for a week, I called early this week, finally got ahold of someone not a voice service. Somehow or other, I got the girl I was trying to get ahold of’s number. More voicemail. All I’ve gotten is voicemail with the number that’s supposedly hers, so I’m not going to bother any more. I felt so confident Monday. I feel like shit on Friday night. I’m tired of being alone. If anyone’s read my comments on “mezzanine” I don’t have that friend to talk to anymore, so… I dunno. I don’t really care anymore. Once again, it is me, and just me. Today’s Dad’s birthday. Happy 55th dad, you’re now officially old. I can understand wanting the euphoria that comes from drugs, but if I’m going to be depressed and feel terrible, I’d just as soon know it was *me* that was depressed, and not whatever’s in my system killing my brain and stir-frying my liver. You’re a fool if you think you’re here only to do what makes you feel good. So I have a speech on tues. I’m doing it over Hemingway’s use of intentional ambiguity in his dialogue. Ya, I know sounds all heady and complicated. I like Hemingway. So I got back from the library, with the hidden hope of finding the library girl there, damn, anyway, got back after digging for the three sources I need for my speech. I’ve always been drawn to certain writers/bands/artists’ works and never know why. Well, sometimes I find a critical analysis that explains what it is that I really do enjoy so much about who/whatever. …so I found one, ya. Meh, I’m done.

strange how people turn upside down on you. I mean, you think you’ve got someone figured out, and then they change. I guess I’ve got the whole intuitive-side thing, but I can… feel people. Like they’re sending vibes or something, I go off of that feeling most of the time when dealing with people, particularly people I don’t know. I don’t think I rely on that as much/at all with people I think I know better. So then the changes really surprise me because I either don’t hear the vibes or I’m used to not listening for them with them or I’m immune to them by then, I dunno. That sounds really x-files, doesn’t it. Add it to my list of weird explanations and obscure conspiracy theories. If I ever get bored out of my mind, I’ll post my explanation for standardized testing. Got one word for ya: 1984, if you get that reference, then I’ve already said it all. So anne at work, the tall blonde, is apparently a tramp. Which is really a tragedy, she’s such a sweet person. So many people are so desperate to be accepted and liked that they’ll sacrifice the sanctity of themselves, of being themself, to be ‘another one.’ I have a haughty outlook and appropriately low opinion of the populars. Do they know who they are? are they aware of the loss of self? Does it bother them? Can you feel it slipping away like I can? I can feel every chunk of me pull away when I crack again and lose another piece of me. I resent the rest of humanity that you have to suffer to exist. It’s like we can’t exist without tearing others to pieces. I know I’m bad about that, but I’m also aware when I’m doing it out of spite as well. It is so difficult not to hurt those that have hurt you. I’ve found myself using this example, and it may well be *the example until I live again as a twoness (two – one – ness, twONEss, a couple) j* and I had known each other for at least three years when we broke up. We’d been best friends for just about as long. Because of the circumstances of our breakup, I couldn’t help it. I hated her. The thin line between love and hate thing? ya, don’t brush it over, is totally serious, like that line from Dangerous Liaisons (French is so frickin weird, have a few vowels you aren’t gonna use! They use their vowels like they use butter in their cooking) “you could only hurt her so deeply because you loved her” let me explain something here briefly. I’m *weird* when it comes to relationships, and I don’t think anyone I’ve dated has really truly caught me when it mattered. When I say the whole ‘love you forever’ bit, I’m dead straight. I will *always* feel something for that person. I’m just honest with myself enough that I realize that, I don’t think I’m alone, I just think most people get their kicks in denial or something, I dunno. Anyways, love changes, it has a pallet of colors it draws from dipping into an inexplicable cold fury thru the hottest passions of the heart and flesh. Er, tangent, right. Anyway, long and short is I’ve felt everything I can imagine possible for this girl, and I’m tenacious about letting someone go. I feel that if you’ve known someone that well, that deeply, you’re only cheating both of yourselves to let that friendship go, because that’s what should be at the heart of it if it’s healthy in the firstplace. I find however, that I’m the only one that can handle this. Uh. Wow, were did I start… oh ya, hated j* and I wanted to hurt her emotionally the way she’d hurt me. Then I learned that I didn’t have to do anything. I found that she was already an open wound. I could practically catch her heartblood in my hands when we talked on the phone, and I couldn’t cut deeper than she’d already torn herself. Don’t mistake me. I still love j* deeply, in ways now that I begin to suspect she will never be able to comprehend until she’s settled herself into herself. Until she stops running to others or using work to patch the little holes in the cracks in her dam. J* believes that staying busy is the same as staying healthy. This sounds like a harsh criticism, it’s really not. We function totally different, and we avoid our problems in totally different ways. I’m just showing one side, not talking about my escapism and subconscious denials, not sure I could if I wanted to. oh and since someone inevitably is offended by the "judgemental" term 'tramp', i have this diamond in the rough for you: forget you. your refusal to open your eyes to the way you're destroying yourself doesn't affect my lack of tack. you're still running thru razorwire thinking it's a good time. fine. bleed to death. don't ever ask me to tell you it's okay and accept it. that's a choice you've made.

stephani should've never gone solo. i can have my harmless little crushes here. i can do my pathetic quietly falling in love (or at least fascination) here. it's sad becuase i'm not quite sure at this moment why that's such a big thing to me. becuase i feel so threatened and vulnerable in reality, that's why. because when i come down to it, once again, i'm afraid of failure, afraid of the loss of that opportunity. someone once told me a lot of my writing, almost all, was about loss, in various forms. you know, one of the ways this site is great for me, is that looking around, you realize something: everyone feels alone. everyone is terrified of being alone. everyone is alone at the end of the day, regardless who's sleeping next to you. i've had a theory for a long time, that the old quote is wrong. Each of us *is an island. ultimately, when it all comes down, take away what you think are connections and what appears as closeness, we're all alone, each of us. i don't really see it as pessimistic as i think it sounds now in text. we're each an island, and things like love and sex and drugs and long established relationships with deep conversations create the illusion that we aren't alone; our islands drift close enough to one another for us to be able to communicate with and aknowledge another, but it's still me on mine, and you on yours. i'm a strange guy. to the point that i no longer bad an eye when a beautiful woman yet again tells me so point-blank. of course, she's telling me more than that but i'm "used" to rejection as well, doesn't mean i'm not terrified of it. last night i dreamt i was taking splinters out of my fingers. i have no idea why. i know my hands and fingers are of highest value to me. that sounds so strange, but one of my biology classes along the way did a whole listing the senses thing, and which could you live without. smell. which could you not live without? why? touch, becuase i experience so much of the world thru touch. more accurately, i explore what i love thru touch. if it's intimate to me, brings me joy, i carry it around in my pocket, or can't keep my hands off her. wow. i really wander all over the place, don't i? closing random thought. the single most reassuring thing about my parent's relationship was when i found the box of condoms in their bathroom medicine cabinet. see, everyone else is just gonna find that gross. forget you.

i love this mood list. who in their right mind would think to put "fluffy?" ya. anyway. figured out why i like this site. becuase i can totally be myself. good, bad, really ugly. i can give the finger and cry openly. i hate that about people. expectations. it doesn't matter what their relation to you is, there are certain rules, certain expectations you have to live to. you have to be responsible, you have to take their feelings into account, you have to be nice, play with your claws in, don't hurt unnecesarily. i'm rebelling like, 10 years too late. i realize that. i don't think i'm alone tho. is it immaturity? i can't really find people i really relate to. i find really young people that act so much older than they are, and people my age that act like frickin' five-year-olds. that was pointless =_= i think it's bedtime. like, three hours ago. again, when did i become such an angry person?

my feet are killing me. but i still like MickeyD's better than whataburger or dairy queen, i don't have to run the store here, whoo-hoo! ^_^ *dance dance dance* why yes, that *is* a furby reference... me and my roommate at the time and long distance best friend (sigh, they all are right now... ;_;)got a furby when they were the cool toy. this crazy guy we knew worked at walmart and he'd hidden a whole box of'm away in the store and was reserving them for friends/buying them himself as collector's items. anyway, so i dropped the cash and we left with one of the truly strangest toys of all time ever. Which reminds me of one of the reasons I enjoy work so much. I realized it just now, as I sat down to the computer. I’m surrounded by women at work. I’ll be blunt: I’m *not* a “man’s man” in fact, most men are strangely threatened by me, or blow me off completely for a flake. Give me a room full of women and, I dunno, I just feel… relaxed. I think I’m just being/feeling desperate/romantic/lonely and being unreasonably starry eyed, but still. I do like work because there aren’t many guys I have to deal with. And here we come to the crux of so many of my bemoanings. I reject my sex—not my being male, but my association with others of my, uh, species—oh whatever, I’m just pissy. I’m gonna use names for all these people from now on, public be damned. You know the best “I’m feeling sorry for myself and want something to help me mope” album of all time? Beck’s ‘Sea Change.’ The freakin’ crackmonkey gets his heart broken and puts out one of the best albums of all time, moaning and brooding the whole way and is totally unlike anything else he’s ever done. I don’t think I remember hearing any of it on the radio at all. No surprise, he’s all abstract and deep or direct and bleeding. Real good shoe-studying stuff. “Real good,” I can’t ever freaking write anymore. Anyway, got it about the time my fiancé and I broke up and it’s just been priceless to me since, and I like Beck anyway. Coolidge once said “Press on. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing in the world is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.” See, that’d be an incredibly inspiring quote if I wasn’t the things he’s talking about, I’m unsuccessful talent, I’m unrewarded genius, I’m an educated derelict. I know how pompous that sounds, but how do you deal with the feeling of pending success with the immense bulk of nothing that is my life right now? I’ve heard driven people talk about their inspirations and motivations and, I don’t share that. My ex, j*, always blew me away with her incredible sense of…destiny I guess. You could (still can) practically feel it blowing out of her. Am I just being childish? Am I clinging to the last of my childhood—that inexplicable selfishness that children have, hurting everyone else, including themselves just to please themselves right now? Am I just staying up late listening to too many navel-lint philosophers? Will Bat-Man save Robin in time?! Find out the answers to these questions and more, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! 42. the answer. it’s 42. now we need the question…

You can’t talk to me about jobs. You with your maybe 20 hours a week pulling in the same as what I’ve got 40 hours for. You who sold vacuum cleaners for 3 months and oh, it was so hard. How about my knives for a summer? That stupid lawn job i had with Safety Steel, only outside all day in july heat from 8am till 5pm. My 2 years of fast food jobs at barely above minimum wage? You can’t talk to me about jobs, and what’s fair for them to do to you and what’s okay. You haven’t earned that right yet. You can’t talk about fair scheduling, not with a boss that tells you it’s fine not to come in today. Not when you’ve never worked past six, not when your job has never been to stay up all night and then go to class the next morning, only to do it again that night. Ok, I’m done.