Why is feeling safe so important? What makes us safe? Reveal nothing. Keep quiet, they might hear you. Or rather, its devastating if they dont. What happens when you lose yourself inside yourself? Questions without answers. Or rather, i know the answer, i just avoid it to feel safe. When someone destroys your safe world, you will put up walls to wrap yourself in, like a blanket you never want to unravel from. Putting the blanket aside and leaving the warmth is so hard. Id rather drown in myself than leave. Or actually...would i? I let myself out sometimes. Usually i wish i didnt. You leave a bad taste in my mouth. I dont understand you or your thoughts. I cant see through you and it scares me. WHY CANT I FIX MYSELF. God it seems so easy in words and in thought but in action its a fucking 200 foot canyon i cant jump across. Im so scared of life but i want to dive in so badly. Everyone says be smart about it. how can you be when you dont have the means to? SOMEONE FIX ME. i cant do it. i just cant. im trying so hard. oh god am i trying. The blood calls but im ignoring the sirens. but oh god does it turn from a call to a craving. i cant turn off this tv running my life. I need to see the ocean. I need that rise of hope again the sun warming and the waves crashing endless possibilities and the sand full of touch and fufillment.

Like a paper weight in my mouth i dont know what to say/where to start. This game we all play is ridiculous. I am so horribly dissatisfied with life. I want MORE. More fun, more fun times where we go "remember that??" "and in that moment we were infitite" Maybe no one is ever completely satisfied with things, but that is my goal. Ive learned now that to be happy is more than i could ask, no one is ever completely happy, life likes to twist and turn and some events turn out not so good. But If i could for one moment be satisfied with what i was doing/who i was with/where i was, i will have reached my personal nirvana. Do you know what its like to dream? Not the fluffy white clouds and the silly little nonsense the subconcious fills your firing electrical impulses with. But the dreams that you KNOW you belong to, you just KNOW in your heart and head that thats what you were meant for, thats what you need to do. And everything else is just pointless, just a journeyman on the way to your goal. When you get so close you can taste it, and then your ripped away so awfully, it takes a piece of your heart with it. Like taking candy from a baby, doll, your crushing my hand and my heart. Stop detroying my own personal journey, just because you've let yours die. People say that you have your whole life to live, you can wait to do it all. FUCK WAITING. Why live a life of unfulfillment just to enjoy your life for not much longer? If you can reach it now, why the hell not??? I hate how things are going. Its like a bad taste in your mouth.

Im gonna let you go. not because i want to not because its for the best thing for me but because its the best thing for you i guess its a selfish thing too then i could let myself go and would have no one who cared about it. when i dove into alcohol i had someone there to care. many, actually. what about when i have no one? oh gosh. things could get interesting.

It kind of feels like we never know. nothing is for sure. nothing for keeps, be an indian giver. keep it all away but there the same time, its all in good health. When little girls dance and giggle and people with nothing left smile, it kind of makes you glad to realize it all. Dont let those moments pass you by. nostalgia is amazing. like looking back and realizing it was all worth it, even if it wasnt. Family but not makes it ok. certain songs and certain words make you glad to be where you are with whoever you there with. kind of the same that cemetaries do to me. friends but none can talk. they support you silently in your living. they cant protest or be disappointed when you make a mistake, even though you may feel it. its a unision that hurts when its your concious. the friends that remind you that life is ok are what makes it all flow. smile, its moments like these that last. a lone flower that just smiles at the world, head held high and ready for the storms it'll hit. it stands alone but it knows its not at the same time. they insipire me. something alone but something that stands its ground. a role model. it makes me wonder why everyone here thinks they're so weak. i hate that "someone blind[deaf][handicapped] has it so much worse. it makes me think of how good i have it for once" bullshit. yes, the full ability have something, but the ones that are out a part or two have it luckier. they know what its like. they never miss a beat. they live it all. dont let a moment pass them by. i envy them but at the same time i am one. life doesnt come easily for someone who can barely live a day without pain from their body. whats it like not to have to wonder day to day if thats gonna be the last one you have? if your heart/liver/kindeys/lungs will finally get tired...its amazing in an odd type of way. you dont miss the moments when you feel ok. dont miss a beat, darling. it could be the last you have smile, your alive, there are and will be moments to make us feel infinite

Shaking hands, hearts skipping, twisting stomachs. sometimes amazing sometimes deadly. sweat dew dropped palms and shallow breaths. keep quiet or they'll find out. they'll all find out. keep quiet. If we only all had a small box, a river bed, a field with willow trees and butterflies to make us all feel ok. but usually we only have something less free. a cd player, a computer, a piece of paper and a pencil. and sometimes...people have less. alcohol. a needle. even a razorblade. please see exhibit A for answers on why this is. when the body all works together for the same thing, its amazing. most of the time every inch wants something different. lets never sift through those thoughts. let them stay craving attention so it feels like a hive in your head. it has beauty. it has consistency. you can always count on it. people redicule you for never having the answers. your never good enough and your never knowing but in that same kind of fantastic hypocricy you always know, you can just never find the way to say it. and gosh doesnt it just frustrate you when people tell you to try anyway? trying to sort that out is the same as addict stopping cold turkey. its no good. dont try this at home kids. may no one ever understand the mind. its a beautiful thing and changing the complexity just makes it ugly. if you dont think about it, the world is beautiful but when you start to look more closely its more ugly than we can even begin to imagine...

Fighting for a breathe, the air not coming and the water bearing down. kick, push, pull, reach out. your never going to find that floating godsend. you'll drown, drown in your sea of regret, pain, and anguish. your sea of past maybes and future im sorry's. your sea will be your end, and your end will consume your sea. such a contradiction on such a irrevalent plain. dont question, just float. when you start to wonder, you start to go under. keep your head above water, keep what you have, because uncertainty will drown you. There are those who find that raft. dependant, dependant, oh so dependant. dont use that kind of language, it isnt well. either you take your chances on becoming a mermaid or you drown. mermaid-drown-dependency. which is the worst destiny?? i want to become a mermaid. i want to smile again and mean it. scouts honor.

Anger is the needle on your tongue. its the bullet in the barrel. Anger is what keeps you smirking and what keeps them quivering in the corner. anger is love, anger is a relative. anger is the smoking gun, anger is chemicals gone wrong. dew on the grass, frost on the window, air in the sky and clouds on the ground. no smiles here today, folks. music in the background drowns out the happy and death has a close grasp. it makes the air cold, not crisp. kind of the way a child is born unwanted instead of in a happy warm home. cold eyes instead of smiling faces. This is the world you were born with/in. start out angry, smile to your mother who doesnt smile back. your father is no where and theres a needle on the table. temporary highs and tracks on her arm, is it all worth it? being born in an angry place with angry people and angry eyes anger is the bullet in the gun and the trigger being pulled and the regret in your head later on.

Self medication is in itself an own thought. You can never feel right on your own so you depend on something else to make your world a better place. who says its not right? hate others for doing it but do it anyway and hate{love} yourself artifically. Artificial love with artificial feelings. Plastic mannequins with plastic feelings. "fuck i cant let this kill me, let go. i need some more time to fix this problem im talking to the ceiling my life just lost all meaning" what i see in the mirror is fake, i swear its fake. its not who i really am, i swear. its all fake. fake feelings. fake plastic. fake faces and fake hair. fake breasts and fake waists. make us all judge ourselves harshly, we're all fake on the inside/outside. FAKE FAKE FAKE its all a lie. i miss everything about who and how i was and what the world meant to me. its all fake now...

Self medication? try alcohol. drugs. free falling. all have the same adrenaline effect. There are negative aspects to it all but is the feeling enough? is it? Maybe suicide has the same effect. never find out though the negative lasts. theres not enough positive in that apsect. but it still can enthroll the heart and soul like a noose around a neck.

Can you hear your own heart beating when you fall? a systematic rhythm of sounds collectively moving for a common goal, too bad our nation cant do the same. our world is like aids, destroying our host and blaming everyone/thing else. cant we imagine a world without want/fear/need/control/pain? cape it all and call it superman, we need to be saved but we have no savior. we're lost, broken and tied in a bag, thrown in the water/set on fire/beaten to nothing. choosing a fate is like spitting in a much larger persons face, you know what the overall outcome will be but not the repercussions. break me beat me bleed me kill me. im nothing in this overall wall and your the one climbing it. ill be your stone, your leg up, your extra life. you make me feel like a dog who has a second chance, a new family, a full bowl of food when your just used to scraps. ill smile when you dont see it, its my weapon and im fully armed and loaded. your my aggression, your my fear, your my suspicion and your my spontaneous reactions. god i couldnt feel more if i bled you. your the blood in my veins and the air in my lungs. the first look at the ocean and the last look at fear. surprise surprise, there is hope in it all. free at last, free at last. god almighty, we are free at last

Remember remember the fifth of november. remember when your first smiled your first breath your first crawl your first walk your first frown your first cut your first suicide attempt remember who you were and who you are, who you want to be remember how it all happened, no regrets, no regrets, it made you who you are and who you are is good enough for some, and those who love you are who matter. he'll get his own he'll drown in his own self worth and die with my vengeance ringing in his ears and my hate and pain wrapped around his throat. it made me who i am and i wouldnt change it for anything. remember remember it all its worth a second glance and your worth the time and effort. your worth it. just remember your not the scum of the earth your worth something. remember.

Born to be down I think that I said this before now Born to be down What good is confidence And you just don't get it Keep it copacetic And you learn to accept it You know you're so pathetic Wow. who's a fuck up? i am. Family matters just go unexplained and the silence kills. Just rush me on that blade, ill drip sweet serenity and fix everything. People say that causes more than fixes. but get rid of the tumor and usually the cancer goes too. take away the cause and you can mend the bridges it burned. please just burn my bridges. they allow too much to cross. They need to drown, not go to the other side. not to others lives. i dont want to infect others. Kiss me im fucking contagious 10 shaking fingers trace my 9 fading scars. They run over the 8 new open wounds. Within 7 minutes, I start losing my sight, and 6 times I almost blacked out. 5 more minutes and I know Ill be gone. The 4 pillows propping me up start to fall. 3 tears slip down my cold cheeks from 2 red eyes. But after all is said and done, 1 more chance would have killed me faster. ilikedit. it doesnt really mean anything other than a fantasy.

Oh baby can you feel the apathy seeping from my stitching? Lets start over. Hi, my name is ______[[fill in blank]] and im losing control. I dont know how to breathe anymore, let alone lead a fulfulling life that doesnt lead to panic every day. I constantly second guess every movement, thinking of the repercussions it could have. Well not true...everything leads to you and the effect you seem to have. "i never knew that everything was falling through" Im in over my head too. go figure, its a package deal. I wish you were a stranger. maybe then i would have known to stay away. i wouldnt be taking apart the anatomy of my psyche and trying to reconfigure it to better suit us. I would be blissfully ignorantly going about like i was fine. i was ok with being broken. i didnt feel it then. Or i did, i just thought it was how everyones supposed to feel. Dont try to fix me. i dont want to open pandoras box again. its full of demons, havent you heard?

Destruction is so beautiful. I havent felt this in so long. that fear. that insatiable need. its fucking intense. God when they dont fufill your desires it kills, but when they do, you dont feel like they challenge you enough and you push away. i would kill to lay with you under the stars. But i guess the shit we would kill for just never gets done, because most people arent hidden in a jail cell... i dont know. everything seems inadequate. im always wanting out of my house but then wheres home? where does my heart lie? i once said friends are where the heart is. what if you feel like you have none? my hearts lost in the tides. god dammit. i cant fight the waves to get it back. its lost forever. lets mourn my loss.

Ever feel so detached from the world? Like everyone you let yourself care about no longer has the desire to keep your tired body around? Kick me to the curb like an old can, im just scrap metal for the elements to weather and the seasons to break down anyway. You can beg and scream for something you KNOW you need, but chances are that your never going to get it. yes yes, the whole world is working against you. its all their fault. "its not you, its me"'s reversed. Get an idea, let it go. it will never work, it will never see the god damn light of day. Positive thinking. Ah hell, its all washed away anyway. why even bother? your line of thinking is fucked. no one has fun when the depressed kid is hanging around. be the screaming kid who runs around and makes everyone laugh. be the silver lining. be what they cant see. be their god damn ray of sunshine. Lets get lost at sea. See how desperate we get. how long we can go, how far we can push our limits. Hold your breathe and see how long you can go, wait until everything gets fuzzy and your lungs scream. See if you can really handle pushing yourself. They say that when you hold your breath for long enough, you get that feeling that you can do it forever, like a 'pleasure' they call it. Thats when your body takes the oxygen from your blood, thats when a euphoria gets created. Isnt creation just beautiful? fuck lets reverse how we feel so we can fix it all. like a bandaid. if only that made owwies better. they just kind of seal a fate. fucking bandaid me and seal my god damn fate, bitches [[im sick of everything normal, lets just go fucking insannneeeee and mosh our little hearts out and scream until blood splatters on the walls]]

We address the problems wishing for an easy way out. the answers are only so far away, reach for it. Its raining and your stranded on a little raft in the middle of the ocean, your friend only a few inches away but both your fingertips only reach, and you slip away from each other, the grasp barely there...slowly losing sight of your only savior and your entire world. In that case whatever keeps you warm and accompanied is your god. We see each other in the day. Glances showing we notice and acknowledge. Because ignorance is bliss and we live in drowning. we thrive in that storm. A slight embrace and we've shown our committment. A few words exchanged and thats the end of our shining light. our 15 minutes of fame ended in 10 seconds. we wave off and talk to the people we claim are less important, but it isnt true. if we didnt know each other existed we'd move along and live like we have. Our lips do what godsends do when they pray. But theres a spark, and no meaning. its all lost in the crowd. We move each other and im sure you play it all through your mind just like i do. im sure you think what i do, and im sure you have the doubts i do. we're built on questions and second chances. Wouldnt that mean that an answer would tear us down? Maybe leaping isnt the answer. Maybe we think jumping is the only way, but it isnt. How are we ever supposed to know? They say the first cut is the deepest, but its not. Doesnt that disprove everything we thought we knew?

"You feel somewhat detached from your immediate surroundings. It's as if you are hidden underwater in a murky swamp looking up at everything and it all seems warped by the ripples on the surface of the water. But it's not reality that is bent out of shape; it's you. Maintain a low profile so that you don't have to tell people everything that you're feeling." Fuck you horoscope. fuck you for being so horribly right. Im just kind of angry at everything today. everyone and everything is getting under my skin and i just want to crawl out of it. im on my hands and knees baby, right where you wanted me. The select few people that make being here ok arent around when i wish they'd be. catch me at the wrong time, my defenses are down. love kicks like a shot of adrenaline when your running for[from] your life. Friends, the only place where the heart is. Home is an general mistake. The people that make you want to slit your/their/our throat. i saw her and it made my blood boil. my friends are NOT your friends. You dug your own grave darling, lay in it or be put to rest by your own actions. never lay your god damn hands on him again. Hypocritical actions. you cant claim one thing and then go flirt with disaster. But god damn its so hard to resist when the danger feels like life. live and let live, baby, but know how to do it right.

I started this because originality fails. Keeping something the same never seems to work anymore. Can you love more than one person at a time? Even if i you can...is it right to? And how do you choose? people say you can, you'll just always love one more. how do you know how to survive in a world not accepting of your wants? Is it better to question everything or just keep it to yourself in quiet wonder?