ummm...i got cigarettes i'm happy i wanted to see my....umm...i wanted to see courtney but she couldn't come out i wanna go shopping i have lots of mooooooo la i need clothes i'm a horrible scene kid

yeah....so i got kicked out of my house... funny how these kinds of things work ...ok i really don't know how to use a washer and right now i have to wash my clothes damn ...ahh...fuck the scene

yesterday... was so amazing i still can't honestly believe it happened it was the best day of my life i really do love her

today is the day ...but what will i wear?

this can't be real...i thought...well not that this day would never happen...but i didn't think it was gonna be this soon...i'm soooo happy...and i could not lose it to a more special person to me...the most beautiful girl in the world...tomorrow will be perfect! it will connect us in the way we've been wanting, waiting, hoping, and searching for. i'm soooo ready...we're ready

Here I am again Talking to myself Sitting at a red light Both hands on the wheel How am I supposed to feel? So much running through my mind First you wanna be free Now you say you need me Giving mixed signals and signs It's so hard to let you in Thinking you might slam the brakes again Put the pedal down Heading out of town Gotta make a getaway The traffic in my brain's Driving me insane This is more than I can take You tell me that you love me first Then throw your heart into reverse I gotta get away I can't keep coming back to you Every time you're in the mood To whisper something sweet in my ear It's so hard to move on Cause every time I think you're gone You show up in my rearview mirror Is this just a detour? Cause I gotta be sure That you really mean what you say It's so hard to let you in Thinking you might slam the brakes again Put the pedal down Heading out of town Gotta make a getaway The traffic in my brain's Driving me insane This is more than I can take You tell me that you love me first Then throw your heart into reverse I gotta get away To a place where I can be redefined Where you're out of sight And you're out of mind But the truth is I can't even say goodbye Here I am again Talking to myself Sitting at a red light Both hands on the wheel How am I supposed to feel? So much running through my mind Put the pedal down Heading out of town Gotta make a getaway (a getaway) The traffic in my brain's Driving me insane This is more than I can take (I can take) You tell me that you love me first Then throw your heart into reverse I gotta get away

between the blood and the crying... i don't know which one makes me feel better

...sitting in her chair right now ...it's almost to much to handle knowing i'll never sit her again in the same way i sat here before... so much i'll miss the good times and the bad because the bad times are memories too they are something to look back and laugh at ...i guess we won't laugh "so we bottled and shelved all our regrets, let them ferment and came back to our senses drove back home slept a few days woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be"

i started skating again...wooooooo!!! my dad is prolly not happy with me at all right now...don't care i just hope i can make it to band practice tonight and do all the other stuff i wanna do this weekend especially spend the night at courtney's and hang out with alison...me and alison had this whole plan going...we meet each other for lunch at steak 'n' shake (cuz alison has never had it b4) then hang out and get pizza at imo's then get ted drews ice cream then go to chiodos...but i think my ride is shot for everything...and i don't know if i can get off work...my life is shit!

Don't be so scared we will not lead you on like you've been doing for weeks So you're selfish, and i'm sorry when i'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast nowhere fast, nowhere fast Would you believe me if i said i didn't need you? cause i wouldn't believe you if you said the same to me near death, last breath, and barely hanging on.. would you believe me if i said i didn't need you? Don't be so scared to take a second for reflection to take a leave of absence, see what you're made of so i'm selfish, and you're sorry when i'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast. so who's selfish and who's sorry?

why when things should be getting easier they just keep getting harder.... i keep getting pulled in close...then pushed soooo very far away i keep getting loved soooo much and then...then....then...idk what... i'm forgiven...then...i'm in trouble once again things are happy....then they're worse then they were before ...i just don't understand...i never do...i wish i understood everything

life is soooo hard i can't please anyone ...i need to be able to make someone happy...or i like can't keep it together... i'll just sit in cars or in the dark or faced away from the world or under sheets or pillows and just cry or cry into my hands i can't cry in anyone else's i hate crying ...i let everyone down...anyone ever in my life i let down...i warn anyone out there now against me...stay away cuz i will let you down...you can't expect anything out of me cuz i'll just cry and think everythings ok...

what a messy weekend...got a lot going on @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ i need a topic to write my reasearch paper on i think i'm gonna write it on sterotypes...i think that could be cool i feel lame

this whole school organization thing is really working for me. it's actually making school a little bit easier. i can't stop thinking about courtney...and how much i care for her...she doesn't act the same towards me anymore...she never sounds excited to hear my voice anymore like she used to...i always think she's upset with me cuz she never sounds happy...but this new thomas kid seems to make her pretty happy...thats always good. i haven't seen her all week...and it's just wrong. i wish we both made more money and then we could both drive to each other all the time and see each other. i just hope something really bad is not gonna happen. she's just been acting really weird lately...and she seems like she hates herself more now than ever...idk band practice actually went really well...me and jordan wrote a bunch of guitar parts...and we made this cool melody part...we're gonna play some music at lunch tomorrow. i really hope this band thing goes good, cuz i'm not too good at school

no one ever reads my entry's i guess that's not the point in a journal i just don't feel like i'm being heard and i feel lonly right now and i get a hold of my girlfriend on the tele she was sooooooooo happy today it made me happy even though i was just like exhausted from school i love her sooooooo much

i told courtney a bunch of things i thought about our realationship...and she didn't have much to say...i get the feeling like she's holding something in...there's something she's not telling me...like something i said upset her...but she's afraid to mention it...i want her to be able to tell me anything...no matter what...when we have problems/arguments/fights i want us to be able to talk to them...i swore to here i would try to never yell at her again as well as my parents...and so far so good...have had many opportunities where i wanted to yell at my parents and i held back...i want to know every thing she's thinking...plz tell me everything

AHHHHHHHH I'M IN A BAND ...it's a cool feeling we're gonna be good i know it once we get things together it'll be cool me, jordan jegel, brad bess, mike brown, matt mcgarvin, and maybe the goofy brandon i had such a good time today ...and courtney today...wow you little frisky man we are never alone when we need to be she makes me sooooo happy it's like when she's around she keeps me alive and when she's not i'm dying a little bit at a time i need her every second of the day i don't think she realizes how much i love her love.... wow i never would have thought i feared it sooooo much feared of ever getting my heart broken i don't think she'd ever do that to me i know i could never this love is soooo strong so perfect

...it's getting harder and harder but i love you sooooo much and we'll get through this no matter what your everything i ever wanted and everything i could've ever asked for you're my life i couldn't get through without i wanted so badly to hold you tonight i really did <3

i hate being addicted to video games, it sucks all your time aways from everything else, and yet its so much fun confusion confusion confusion madness madness madness frustration frustration frustration crazy day...i wasn't in the mood for people today, i wanted like some of my own time...but when i got to hold her and kiss her...it was like doing it all over again for the first time...there aren't words...even the little time that i got to see her...i loved every second of it. i really hope courtney gets a job at pac sun...that would make me soooo happy...a girl at my work said working close to your girlfriend is gonna suck...but how could it...when i have someone so amazing love <3

I FUCKING HATE SCHOOL I DESPISE IT I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE A CERTAIN SPECIAL SOMEONE AND INSTEAD I'M AT SCHOOL OR WORK AND I HATE ALERGIES OR HOWEVER YOU SPELL IT BECAUSE I'M OVER SNEEZING UP SHIT LIKE THERES NO TOMORROW GEEZE