Right … so. Finally decided to come to America. Why? I’m not exactly sure. I hear they have good hotdogs. Settled in a nice manor in Savannah, Georgia. Made a couple of friends, though drunk they were. I forget their real names, so I’ll just call them George and Gracie. The night before, I met a rather non-sociable character named … something, I forget – I call him Ornery because that’s what he is … ornery. He called me “babe” and didn’t much like it when I through a knife at him in protest. After that, I met a nice lady who also happened to be scurvy-free. Her name was Tempest. She likes the Citrus. A citrus tempest! Sailors beware! Before that, I met a lively man named Pred. A fireball exploded in his drink and his hand just absorbed it like a sponge. It made pretty colors – his hand is made of metal, you know. He explained to me what “scryed” meant and, you know, I had been wondering what exactly “scryed” is for some time now. Liese finally flew in from Europe! I’m not sure, but I think she likes it here. We declared a room and everything. It’s small and quaint – but the bed is springy and we definitely broke it in. The carpenter should be arriving to fix it soon, come to think of it. It was rather easy for me to move in. I mean, all I had to do was go on a little shopping spree before dawn. I even got myself a fancy laptop – they’re so easy to find in the United States! Now that we have a TV and cable hook-up and all that, I can do all my shopping online! I may never leave this room! This aggravates Liese a bit … I tried to tell her that I was only kidding, but I think she thinks I was serious. Hmm … maybe I am! Nevertheless, I just can’t understand her sometimes. Like the fact that she packed so much STUFF! Oh my GOD! It’s like we opened up a yard sale in our room or something! Honestly, I haven’t a clue how she can get so attached to something so inanimate … excluding myself – but that’s because I’m just so damned charming. What fascinates me even more is when I was helping her unpack, I started to realize that even though it was a lot of stuff (and believe me, it was a LOT OF STUFF), it didn’t look like so much once we got everything put away. Thank you, thank you – I know, I am the Tetris master. Oh! That’s an idea. I haven’t downloaded that game onto this laptop yet – and that music is just so darn catchy. Oh good! The carpenter is here! He can fix the bed … and perhaps we could have bite for lunch afterwards! Ha ha ha … I know, I crack me up.

I spent an entire day watching America's Next Top Model. I'm not sure why, but I was just captivated. I laughed when I saw one of the girls, actually. I met her over in Paris a few months ago. Let's just say that when I met her, she couldn't do any more day shoots. I really hate Janice Dickenson. Liese can vouch for me. Every time she came on the TV screen, I would throw something. It just doesn't work for her, you know? Simon Cowell can pull off the antagonist role well - I mean, I like him, at least he's honest (or was in the first season). But Janice? My god. I'm going to kill her if I ever go to L.A. Where does she get off telling a girl that just because she's a couple pounds overweight, she's too fat for modeling? Honestly! First, why bother even having a casting call that includes plus-sized applicants - and secondly? She's a big woman, too! HYPOCRITE! Not to mention that I don't think she's attractive at all. I think she looks like someone set her face on fire and tried to put it out with a rake. I mean, she looks like fucking Leona Helmsley for Christ's sake! Like a fish! A really ugly fish. Why is she even judging? She has nothing constructive to contribute. I think they only have her on the show for ratings - there can't be another reason - and PROPS to Tyra Banks for telling Janice that she was the bitch responsible for so many girls feeling like they need to make themselves throw up or take laxatives to make themselves look pretty. I hate you Janice. I hope you die. And yet I continue to watch her on the show. I just love to hate her. And I love the fact that my lovely Liese has curves - I like her curves. I like the fact that she's not a stick. But not my Liese! Her curves are oh-so-curvy and warm. She is perfect ... Well, no one is perfect, but by my standards, she is. And FUCK YOU to anyone who says otherwise. And FUCK YOU, Janice Dickenson. I hope you choke on the collagen in your lips and die. Happy New Year.