It has become..PAINFULLY apparent that I have absolutely NO sense of humour. None. Zilch. Nada. I can't believe I have missed this after all these years. I wonder if I -had- one and it just died on me? Or have I just never had one and just am NOW coming to realize it. It's horrible. I make jokes that I think are funny, that that people don't see as funny, so I sit and explain it for 15 minutes, and by then it's just totally ruined. Jokes that people say, I just stare blankly at, as if I suddenly have gone completely bonkers and they have two heads. I have no sense of humour. People have started to tell me BEFOREHAND that it's going to be a joke so that I can get it, and I've decided that sense I'm not funny, to stop trying to be. I think it's better for everyone if I do. How horrible is that though? At least I have SOME brain power left to realize it and stop making a fool of myself sometimes. Blech!

Sooo much annoyance! I hate some things going on that I can't stop, I can't stop those things from happening so I'm stuck hating them and then chill out because of it all. Though I can complain here that I hate that little freaking girl that sits in the WW EW who is ridiculously idiotic. Well actually she's very smart, she gets away with anything she wants by saying "Oh..I didn't know!" she plays the naive card to a T and it drives me insane having seen so many girls in my own high school do the same bullshit. I'm not jealous I just find having her redlined is a very nice thing. Got a new chair today as mine decided to break at the arm and fall apart. However the kids are enjoying using the pieces to roll down the street being pulled by bikes. They took the back part off and tied two skateboards to it so they could STREET louge or something. Sheesh they were having fun. Zac bumped his butt twice and Devin got swirled into a puddle of mud, it was funny as hell. Devin shaved his moustache for the first time. He'll be a freshman when school starts. Sheesh way too old. Zac is going to the 7th grade and Jake is a 6th grader. Everyone is doing good other then that and I'm just tired cause of this chair crap cause I had to pick mom up early from work so we could get it. Damn it all!

Why can't I be better? Why can't I just get over this bullshit that is around me? I let one thing dig into me until I can feel my insides want to rip apart and eat me alive. I just don't want to be calm. And instead of being totally off. Totally off base. Totally wrong. I'm always totally wrong. I mean there is never anything right about me. Nothing that is ever right. Not one little thing. I just can't imagine how it is for someone on the outside looking in. If I can see I am no good, what must other people see? I don't even like looking at myself in the mirror, I try not to do it much as I go into the bathroom, and when I do look I hate what I see. Not just the outside, but I know what is laying beneath the skin, behind my eyes, behind everything. I am just not right. Not right at all. There is nothing that is right. Just not a damn thing. Edited to Add the Japanese name thing: My japanese name is 山下 Yamashita (under the mountain) 桃子 Momoko (peach tree child).Take your real japanese name generator! today!Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

I don't think I should have to have any expectations put on me. I really don't. Unless I am doing a job, or have promised someone something, I don't think putting any expectation on me isn't fair, expecially if you don't tell me what they are. I mean, if you want something from me, you expect something from me and you don't tell me, how am I ever going to live up to that? And if I don't live up to this notion how am I going to ever pass muster? All it does it make everyone feel painfully stupid in the end because you had this expectations and I didn't live up to them, evne though I didn't know they were there. So there's something to remember. If you expect something from someone, tell them. That way someone can tell you whether or not you can live up to it. Sometimes people can't, or don't want to live up to any expectation. Just so ...disheartened right now. I'm not perfect, I never wanted to be, I don't like to try and live up to an ideal because I know I never can. I'm just me.

I want to to go to the movies. It's a strange occurance when I want to leave the house at all, but today for some reason I'd really like to do it. The chances of this happening are slim to none and slim just left town. But still I thought it was noteworthy enough to mention. Why did I feel that was noteworthy? Cause the last time I left the house to do anything but pick up my mother and my sister and all that junk was months ago. Devin has a track meet tomorrow (yea, I forgot to mention that he runs track didn't I) and it's an invitational, which means he got an invitation to come run there, so I think some of us are going, I do believe me and Mum are along with his dad and maybe his mother, but I'm not so sure about Becky going. I got this sample in the maile of Dale and Thomans Popcorn, Chocolate Chunk N' Caramel and I can now say that I have a new favourite popcorn and I have been totally spoiled too all others. Too bad the shit is fucking expensive as all hell, but HEY! Oprah likes it! That's cause she can afford it. daleandthomas.com Go there to check it out. Great stuff, but like I said, expensive! Mine was a free sample and a pretty big one at that..6.8 ounces! I couldn't find the sample link when I went to the site again but if you dig around maybe someone else will? I have to read through my Kinfolk book some more so I can get a better handle on how to play M.C. my lovely little Fianna Kinfolk. And comically enough my little Garou Emmaline is coming along nicely, though getting attacked by BSD's SO needs to stop. One day she's gonna get shoved down that Spiral I am just not ready for it to happen just yet! Off to go finish my popcorn and watch stupid court shows before picking up Mum cause I was stupid and finished all the banner graphic work I had last night instead of pacing myself. Cause I'm silly that's why!

It still bothers me. After all this minutes, hours, days, weeks and years, it still hits me closer to home then anything I have ever felt in my entire life. It's so damn confounding on how I can have something that happened 13 years ago still effect me as if I was going through it as a 14 year old kid. I can't fathom why I still hold on to it and not let it go. Well not exactly let it go, but let it become part of my past, something that I can look back on and hope that it made me stronger. But instead I become a walking bit of jelly when it comes to this time of year. I snip at those closest to me. And so I pull away from them, trying not to yell and hurt them because I want people to hurt with me and I don't understand why they aren't. I do this and I get flack for it. All my coping mechanisms have become something bad if you look at them closely I guess. I've tried to drop the worst ones...so can't I just have this one for myself? Just this one thing so I don't have to worry about hurting anyone else? I just want to forget the day exists, but the more I try, the harder I feel it. I miss my Dad. I'm a bit wussy baby when it comes to it. I cry if I tell the story, I cry when I think about him and all the time I missed with him. All the things I SHOULD have gotten to do with him. I have this hatred for the fact he left me, and I miss him. And I miss what I didn't get to have. I'm selfish and horrible when it comes to this, and I'll admit it. I haven't coped with his death like I should have. I didn't back then, and I haven't yet. But I'm trying. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

I got tired of looking at all the bright green so I redid everything. I don't have a background picture because I think I am just gonna bypass that for right now, and if I find one I like then I'll add it up. Not much else to say other then that. Life is pretty fucking boring.

Yea, then enthusiasm is just overwhelming me. I can't believe it all. It's just wonderful. I've never been more proud and happy before. /sarcasm In other words I got msyelf broken it looks like. Looks like I might have broken my foot from the way it's swollen and my toes look like little sausages! I did it really stupid like too, I didn't lift my foot up enough when I was walking and my toes curled under my foot and then crack my foot went to the side, not good at all! It hurts, but not as bad as it could of course. It's just funny looking so swollen.

Shadowyn Manor is back up and going after changing servers and has gone through revamping. The forums were lost so everyone would need to register and all that, but they are up. If you know anyone that would like to come back and play we are trying to get the room going again, so email yer friends and bring the RP back! http://www.shadowynmanor.com

Bah! Was supposed to do Trinity Hive stuff tonight but Loth never showed up for that, but it shows him on Retrogade 8 hours ago which is pretty weird, I dunno it's been wrong before, maybe his name was just logged in or something that has happened. I'm sorta glad we didn't get to the Trinity Hive just yet because I was tired from going to get Mum from the aiport today. She came back very tan from her trip in Florida and a little more rested, though she was annoyed that she had to go to work today right after she got home. So because of that I only had a little nap before getting up to get on to bug James Nathaniel and then Ian snagged me, damn Metis garou!!! But that was pretty fun as they talked. One of Emmaline's teachers ended up getting himself blown up in real life! Damnable man I told him to be careful on patrol, but random carbombings in Iraq happen, a friend of his over there is keeping me updated (as well as kicking Emma's ass for knowing a Dancer, bah!) so I can know what's going on. Now that I think of it I really want to get to the Trinity Hive so that Chris and Loth can get down to having PERFECT Metis children, that means no bad genes would pass and Chris' first child is the bringer of the apocalypse. Because that's what's going on in our storyline, has no bit of effect whatsoever on anyone else. I also need to get Mum to let me order the books I need since she promised! I got one of my Jaqua free gifts, it's a really nice hand creme that spells like peaches, it is SOO damn nice! They say I should be getting three more free gifts so I hope I do! I can't wait to see what else they are gonna send!! (if they do that is!)

Where is the person that isn't going to walk away? The one that isn't going to immediately sense trouble and just walk away. Why do people constantly walk away? I don't need that. It's not what I need. It doesn't make me feel safe and secure, it doesn't make me feel happy, it doesn't make me feel loved at all. I don't feel good when they walk away. Why do they think that it makes it better? You know what it does? Do you know what it actually does? It makes me trust them less. Makes me put them into a different catergory then they were before. If you are willing to walk away when it's like that, not even the worst it's ever been, how can I trust you won't walk away when I need someone the most? I'm growing to accustomed to it. I'm becoming too used to the lack of trust again. Just when I was starting to become better at it, letting myself open up and then this bullshit happens. Who does he think he is just, going away. Like I'm not going to remember that? Like he doesn't know how I am? How can someone know me so well, and yet do something like that. I'll remember it. I'll remember this tomorrow and the next day and I won't be able to push it away from me. It will linger and I won't be able to step away from the words and the reminders.

I hate feeling like this. I hate EXPRESSING that I feel like this. I'm so wired but I wish I could just smack my head against a desk and let it bleed everywhere so that I didn't have to feel anything. As if that would make a difference. At least I hope it would. I'm a nothing and I know that. I just wish people didn't have to constantly keep reminding me of it.

Whodathunk it? You Are 82% Evil You're the most evil person you know. The devil is even a little scared of you!How Evil Are You?

I can't really put my finger on something but I NEED something. I just can't figure out what I need. I'm so tired of being the same way, even though, well I guess I should accept who I am and just move on, but when no one else does, it's hard to think that you have the right idea on how you should be. Only so many times and then you have to start thinking, hrm, maybe -I'm- the one that is wrong. I hate thinking that though, me being wrong? Yea, so VERY annoying. I wrote FOUR new things. I was very proud of myself for even getting one out. But then again it's mostly dialogue and one of my good friends told me that it's hard for him to care what is being said because he doesn't know any history of the characters. Yea, that's what I was going for, but if he can't seem to care about them, I guess he doesn't have to read anymore, because I refuse to have someone read something if all they are going to do is pick at what is bad about it without giving any compliments. And here I thought I was doing pretty good. Oh well. But I definately need something. When I figure out what that is I think I'll be happier.

Okay, the people on my list might do this for me, and if you do I'll love you lots!!! http://www.jaquabeauty.com/cart/register.aspx Go to that link and sign up..saying that you were reffered by ammo78@sbcglobal.net For every three referrals, I get a free gift, and you guys once signed up can do the referrals too, BUT the program is only lasting through March 15th!! So try and get as many as you can before it's too late! PLEASE GUYS?! I like free gifties!!!

I really am. I'm horribly old. Aged. And you know how I know this is true? My nephew. My oldest one to be exact. A few months ago, Devin got himself a girlfriend. Of course this was a suprise to us all, cause he's usually very bad around girls, but we were all happy. This girlfriend didn't last, (as we didn't think it would of course, being his first, and all that) and that was fine, they even remained friends and all that. Now however, things have changed. Some time back I saw Devin wearing a necklace (not something he's known for doing) with a heart on it. It was really very cute and I made note in my head to ask him about it. I did of course, after I remembered too and apparently this was from his girlfriend Misty. She gave him jewlery! Of course I paid no attention because of what happened last time, but then, all off a sudden, this is lasting. He bought her Valentines Day gifts! A charm bracelet! And she bought him a cute little red teddy bear! They are still dating now and we are already into March. And they were dating BEFORE Valentines Day. That's reason one. Now the second bit of proof is the fact the about two weeks ago, maybe more, my mind is slipping. Oldest nephew came home with a large packet of papers, my brother in law was excited as he found them and I was interested. Soon however, I felt old. It was his class selection packet for his FRESHMAN year of high school. A description of what classes he HAD to take, how many credits he needed, and all that. I can't believe he's going to be a Freshman next year. That means..I'M REALLY FUCKING OLD! Reason three? Seems everyone I know, everyone I talk too, everyone I roleplay with is younger then me. This is starting to become completely disheartening and I need to stop this aging business as quickly as possible, any and all ideas will be considered if anyone has any.

Mother fucking peice of shit. Lying peice of shit! Arg! I hate it. I hate it so much it makes me want to rip my teeth out and watch them sit in a glass of water so I can have something to do rather then seethe. Because I always find out. I always freaking FIND out. It's not like you aren't doing it all that well, just there are too many factors that are against you! I can't believe it, not again. Not fucking again. I admitted the truth, I let him know what happened, and yea, it blew up, but to find out NOW that MONTHS AND MONTHS had gone by and I was lied too, god I fucking HATE that. I gave him EVERY chance to just fess up! To just admit what everyone already knew, and he couldn't even do that. What the fuck? Why, why bother to be so blatantly obvious about shit and then not admit it?! I sometimes wonder why I even bother anymore, and damn it why the fuck do I even care?

I really shouldn't be tired, because, well I didn't get up until like after 8 and I had gone to bed before 7 in the moring, so we are talking more then thirteen hours of sleep. In one day. That much sleep. I slept through everything, generally not a bad thing though, as I sleep through most of the fights and all that bullshit. Things I should be doing: 1. Redoing the Chris Harrison website to add a page for the pack, including the new web banners, the descrip of the Trinity Hive, and descriptions (and images) for the other pack members. 2. Working on Emmaline's werewolf sheet so that I can have it ready after her first change. Reasons Why I Am Not Doing Those Things: 1. Because I can't because Loth isn't around to give me the good descrips I need for Temp and Iron so I can find suitable images. Granted I could do the rest, but I'm being lazy. 2. Cause I can do it anytime with the book, and I would concentrate better on it without being on the 'net. I was trying to think of something to do for Retrograde, but I have no idea what I should do, or what I should make, or anything like that. I was thinking of using Loth's hand again, but that is becoming a bit cliche on things, but I rather like how it looks and stuff when I play around. I thought the green of this layout would bother me, but it hasn't yet so I am very happy so far. Of course I think I might change it soon anyways, which is weird cause I rarely change, and even more rare is changing so soon after the other change. If you understood that, you get cookie points.

You know, the other day I was rubbing my hand against my knee and upper leg and ended up with a blue hand cause apparently when you do that for a long time, the blue of the fabric tends to become part of your hand. I gotta stop doing that I guess, but it's one of those new ticks I have developed. Well at least it's better than the twitchy eye I had for a long time. That shit was fucked up, other people could see it, that's not cool at all. I do believe my RP partner has just fallen asleep, which is pretty normal for this time of the morning, this is about when he tends to do that, I'll pick on him later for it of course. Speaking of the RP, Nate was proud of me that I made friends with his friend, who up until a few days ago didn't particularly like because of twitchy issues between the two of us. Turns out, both of us are just twitchy and nervous like that and it rubs the wrong way. Decided that 12 year old Emma shall be a Garou because nothing else fits, not even being just a normal mortal, she needs to have some explination for that rage, and that's it right there! Thinking Get of Fenris, because it SO fits, not that I think anyone knows or cares what a Get of Fenris is, but I like writing it! I just submitted my second entry to Retrograde which is my changed White Wolf logo. http://photoshop.retrogade.com/view.php?id=4063 I explain it all there and I don't feel like typing it all out again, cause I'm lazy and it's 8 in the morning. Granted I haven't been up all that long, but my teeth hurt and my head hurt and I took something, so the need for sleep is rapidly closing in, which is why I'm not so pissed that the RP partner fell asleep. Shadowyn Manor is back up and running for those that care to know, seems Mari was just sorta having a problem moving it over to the new server. I'll try to be in as much as I can and all that.

I like the word blarg, it sounds very good to say to release your spleen when one needs too. I've come to understand that I'm not really part of any crowd. Sucks to be the one on the outside looking it all the time. I guess someone forgot to tell me I was the odd man out until now. Such angst, such angst! I need this shit like I need a bullet to the brain. So just...BLARG!