slowly the pen touches paper. . So today I thought a lot. Well, I lie, during fitness I didn't exactly have time to think. My mind mostly focused on trying to not die. Other than that though, I have been thinking a lot. About the direction that my life is heading in. Don't you love it when you have no control over anything in your life? Well, you really never do, but most of the time you don't feel or comprehend it. It is when you actually notice the things that you start to see those little strings tugging at your limbs and even your thinking. Your face turns a reddish color as you try to strain against it, but to no avail. The strings hold and you are stuck hanging - exhausted from overworking yourself in your attempt to gain some sense of freedom. I really have no idea when I will be moving back to my real home. Sometime this summer, I refuse to stay where I am to finish high school. I probably won't if I have to stay, but we will see. Most likely, I will be coming down this summer. . . Hopefully. excuse me, but I seem to have misplaced my heart. . I don't know, but for some reason I feel like something is missing in my life now. Oh well, the feeling will pass and I will go with the world. After all, the strings are pulling me along. All that matters is if I go willingly, or fight the cords. Letting them bite into me as I strain against them and then finally give in. Finding peace again in the mind numbing routine of everyday life. i wish i had shoes on this path of broken glass. . . I see my future sometimes. Or what I think it will be in the next few days, months, or years. What I assume it will be. Sometimes my predictions are correct. And other times they aren't, much to my disappointment in some cases. Perhaps if I had a lantern to light my way on this road. A lantern to show me where to step, instead of stumbling in the darkness and cutting more than just my feet. because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone. . no matter how many people are around. . . I feel so out of place here. . . Like I'm the only one that truly knows or understands me. More so when I don't get to speak with friends online and stuff. Sometimes I start thinking selfishly and wish they would stop having lives as well and sit at home talking to eachother instead of hanging out. Just so I could feel less alone. Well, this is kind of long, and I don't feel like talking anymore. So I will end it here. 'Night. Oh! And Happy Birthday, Eric.

For some reason I can't get this song out of my head, so perhaps I will put up the lyrics. With the worries that I'd give her in they told the worst of me My wanting just to hold your neck in my arms and feel me squeeze No I'm not going to give you what you want so if you please The sin that shapes your voice carries my ears in this new disease did somebody take your "tongue" in worries of the words that you couldn't say if they could've saved them from but I don't want to sleep without so I bid to you goodnight tonight sleep tight my love the anxious through the calming storm you'll sit as you pray for rain I'll touch it if you ask me to but how is up to you no I'm not going to let you get up if you struggle willingly I'll favor all your form to show you how it's been done to me Did someboy take your "tongue" in worries of the words that you couldn't say if they could've saved them from but I don't want to sleep without so i bid to you goodnight sleep tight my love with all the words you say ...you'll save you were so well behaved as you arched and made your way this gift for you engraved the shift as stretch your legs you were so well behaved you were so well who taught these tricks that made...you were so well behaved if the world stops turning girl you better not stop when I say if there was nothing you could do to stop it why'd you try? then the ground starts parting through the silence as you woke up the dead everything here dies alone... but I'm not quite sure what you've been told on Labor Day I'm not starting with you but the faint of hearts Will worries weigh? but i'm not quite sure what this unfolds on Labor Day I'm not starting with you but the faint of hearts did somebody take your tongue in worries of the words that you couldn't say if they could've saved them from but i don't want to sleep without so i bid to you goodnight tonight sleep tight my love with all the words you say did somebody take your tongue in worries of the words that you couldn't say if they could've saved them from but i don't want to sleep without so i bid to you goodnight tonight sleep tight my gun. It is the Velorium Camper I: Faint of Heart by Coheed and Cambria. So I haven't been back here to write for a while. How is the audience of one, but mostly none? A lot of things have happened since last I spoke. But I will not elaborate right now, perhaps later. Many things are confusing me and I am under the impression that I should find out what is really going on before saying anything. Just in case I am wrong. I have been known to be quite a lot. For some reasons I think my latest adventure to home in Logan was almost a complete waste of time. The reason I say almost was because there were some good things that did happen along with the bad. I got to see friends, talk with them, and just be a complete moron and not care about things for a while. And then the bad was being bored, other people's problems, and new ones of my own. I attempted to talk, I really did. I got no responses back--other than a short "Hi. ." I should have kept trying, tried to break more ice in order to find out what is going on with everything. The reasons for silence, avoidance, and other such things that at the moment yield no purpose to my mind. The accoustic is drying. I hit it on the floor in frustration along with angry music. It was hot, until I realized I had just destroyed the inner framing of the guitar. And it was my only accoustic. So, being the smart one that I am, I have glued it back together with wood glue, hoping that it will work well. The world will keep turning. No one can stop that, I have realized this. Life will go on, and if a path of broken glass is the one we must take, then by all means take it. I am sure bandages can be found on the other side. Good Night

So in light of recent events having to do with heated discussions involving actual intelligent and coherent remarks being interrupted by stupid imbeciles who can't even spell their own damn last name, I have decided to post a blog. Whoopee! I tend to think a bit at how this all came to be. Where and when did our generation begin it's descent into this hellish maelstrom of idiotic replacements for everyday vocabulary? None can tell exactly when or where, but most have a general idea that the fault can be placed on such things as Instant Messengers, MySpace, and various Forums throughout the internet. Sure, you might be too lazy or not have enough time in your super fast-paced lives and you would like to cut down on how much you have to type. Although, it would take just as much time if not less to type out the full word instead of cutting it down into some non-sensical grouping of random letters because most of the time you spend a minute or two explaining what the damn thing says. Usually I wouldn't mind this very much, but people seem to think that I enjoy deciphering their coded messages. Spending seconds and minutes figuring out what they were saying in their haste to get the message out. And in rebuttal many a person has responded with something along the lines of "i spel guud go suk a cok." Yes, I'm sure your mother is very proud of your ability to articulate at the moment. . . Every once in a while though, I will get someone who will e-mail me back and their speaking has suddenly changed a bit. This is another pet peeve of mine, trying to sound like they speak well all of the time. Forced eloquence is just that. Forced. I'm not saying that I'm perfect either, I slip up and speak rather poorly sometimes, we all do. However, I would ask that when you send me messages and such don't try to sound smarter than you are. Speak however you want, just type out your damn words for the sake of you, me, and God Himself.

(Today I am feeling very. . . arrogant, so forgive my fancy language :D) In light of recent events, I have decided to post a new entry into my so called "blog." Being the hopeless romantic, built up from many a "chick flick" or romance movie, I slightly enjoy the drama that teenagers are able to concoct for their daily agendas. Of course when listening in on a complete stranger's predicament, I find it quite odd and silly that they would even care about whatever it is they happen to be bitching about. This is because most of what I hear when going to that institution of public education is very trivial and I do not care much for it. It is a disgrace to romance and drama alltogether. This overexaggerated riff-raff is completely idiotic and has in a sense dumbfounded me. The problems associated with romance and drama that I face with myself and my close friends seem to be much more . . . real in a sense than the "overexaggerated riff-raff." Most of what I face myself, however, is made up of the problems of my friends. I am essentially the person that they come to talk to about problems. I generally help them with whatever it is that they need helping with. However, I cannot remember when I started liking her, but this one person that I tend to help as often as it is needed has been providing some drama for myself as well. It pains me to help her, but for the sake of keeping romance alive, I help her. It is like having her at the end of a rope and the end that I must pull on is connected to a blade, and with each and every tug that sharpened steel digs deeper into my chest. However, I have found that I would hate to risk this friendship as well, so I plunge that blade deeper into my chest. With every moment helping, it inches closer to my heart. That ever-beating thing that keeps myself alive. That thing that swells within my chest whenever speaking or associating with her. However, I do not mind as much anymore. It seems keeping this friendship has somehow stopped the blade and such temporarily and for this I am glad. Perhaps one day it will be my turn and that pain will no longer matter. Because she will get rid of it and make me happy. I cannot tell, I am not a seer who can peer into the future. If I had this abiltiy, I would not use it, I like seeing how fate handles the happenings of life. I like to refer to time as it is in Robert Jordan's superb series. The Wheel of Time spinning a tapestry. We are all threads weaving in and out with each event and happening, creating this tapestry. Nothing happens by chance or coincidence. There is a reason for everything. Perhaps this is why I enjoy a certain movie starring John Cusack. I do not know at the moment. But I will depart for now and return when I am feeling obligated to do so. -Spenser

Home. . . a silence between glares That stutters words misleading Here. . . Give me all you got with one shot sent to lend me No. . . here across the grass, between the glass I know. . . you're not the one I left to wait here, helping I. . . I left in a sudden rush and never said why you. . . couldn't know that I had no goodbyes. But I wish that you were I'm spying on you, Newo The way that you would've been if I stayed here at home I'm giving you up, Newo How important I could've been to you Press the steps I take to cross your door frame if You decide to answer when my fist rings hello Casting quarters into wells that hold our dreams You won't believe me. . . If I told you so Casting quarters into wells that hold our dreams You won't believe me. . . I wouldn't if you told me so Yeah, so it's been a little longer than I had hoped since my last entry. Nothing much has changed with my whole romantic-drama part of life. Actually, I lie. Something quite interesting happened the other day. I was having a bad day and everything, and when I got to German Chrystal came in looking really sad. So I asked if she was alright and she said yes. I could tell she was lying. So I basically made myself cheer up and tried to get her in a better mood. We talked a little, and she drew on my arm a lot and would like touch my hand and arm with hers a lot. Flirting or asking for help? I really don't know. I think though that we're getting back to normal friends again. I still like her, but yeah. I don't want to kill that friendship. I still haven't told the other girl who is with my friend that I like her yet. Oh well. . . I came up with awesome character concepts for my comic. I need to write a story for it and everything, but once I get that up, I'll post links to it and stuff for you people that read this. Well, I'm off to draw and live my life of a hopeless romantic again. -Spenser-

I can't believe I found another online journal to use for my ranting and bitching. Although I think this is going to be my main one from here on out. Maybe I should stop talking and start bitching? Basically my life has turned to shambles in the past few weeks and I have slowly been building it back up as best I can. Although I was never that good at building things. My best friend ended up becoming the person I liked, and I told her this at the worst possible moment. Everything seemed to be fine for a week or two after. We still talked the same and stuff, but then school started. We had more classes and lunch together, so naturally we got to see more of one another. However, I think she thought maybe I was being overzealous in my pursuit of her, when in fact I was merely going by my schedule and being delighted to see her in class and lunch. I think she might have thought I was stalking her? I don't know, but pretty soon she gave me looks like she didn't want me around or was avoiding me. Well, I stopped hanging out with her and talking to her. It's been about a week, and so far my plan has helped a bit. She talks to me normally now, and I think I am starting to fix things. I don't know if I like her anymore because of how she reacted, or how it nearly ruined our friendship. My sights are set elsewhere now, but when I see her I think of what could or can be. It's hard moving on from what couldn't be. But I must do it. (Wow, I'm totally turning that into a plotline for my comic ^_^) Anyways, the girl I currently find myself liking a little bit is actually someone that is already taken by a friend. I won't say who, because giving names is horrible for friendships. Because drama and all hell breaks loose o.O Hopefully my pursuit of the girls I like doesn't cost me any friendships. But I guess I'll leave my first post at this.