Last night I had the craziest dream. First, I was walking a long a country road with my dog, on both sides of the road there were abandoned barns and fields and pastures. A giant hawk flew over us to a pasture on the other side of the road, while he flew he turned into a horse, and the horse landed in the grass. We kept walking. I saw a man with goats, and I went in to see what he was doing. There was a lot of goats, and there was also a lot of baby goats. And there were golden goats who had wings. I asked the man if I could have a goat, and he gave me a little alpine (the reason why I know the breed is because my father-in-law owns goats) who I named Dama. I am not sure what Dama means or where my brain got that name, but thats what I named her. Then Dama was suddenly grown and I milked her. I put the milk in a big red bowl, and the milk was very warm. Kind of a weird dream for me. I have always been interested in survival. I love reading things about pioneers and cowboys in the west, about the first people from the tigris and euphrates, about any nomadic culture imaginable. I love these histories because they are all about surviving, about taking the environment you live in and thriving off of it. I am not sure why I love this so much, but I do. So dreaming about Dama and milking her really let me think about surviving. If you needed milk, you didnt go to the grocery store and pick up a jug, you had to have an animal that produced it and you had to milk it out yourself. I don't know why I think thats so interesting, but I do. Part of me wants the world to collapse so we can start over. So I can help to build the foundations of a society that appreciates the thing that gave it so much life.

Is it weird that sometimes at work I will go to the bathroom, find the furthest and darkest stalls available, and just sit? I dont even pee or anything, I just sit. Maybe it is because the bathroom is the quietest place at my job? Maybe it is because I talk to people all day long and I need a chance to just be silent? To not have anyone yelling into brain? Perhaps. I sit there and I stare at the stall door and I pretend I'm not working anymore. I am not sure what exactly I day dream about, I just know that it is one of the greatest parts of my working day. weird eh?

I feel like sometimes I know exactly who and what I am, only to second guess myself later. I attempted to describe myself (to myself) as an animal. I came up with a few. If anyone cares or actually knows me feel free to post. Leopard: I've connected myself with this animal for as long as I can remember. Instead of making friends when I was young, I stayed in my room and pretended that I had all types of leopard companions. I feel like the leopard because it is a pretty opportunistic animal, if it cant catch its food it will just steal it from someone else. The leopard knows when to pick its battles, its not gonna fight you all the time, but when it does decide to fight you its because it knows it can win. The leopard isnt hugely social creature, but it is willing to tolerate and coexist with others if it means it can get something out of it. Snake: Associating myself with the snake came soon after I learned about chinese astrology (cheesy, I know.) The snake is usually alone, unless it needs warmth from other snakes in the winter. The snake is vain, shedding its skin for a new shiny one every year. The snake is a charmer however, and is often associated with seduction. I feel like that sometimes, like I am just charming people. I think I do that because I feel the need to paid attention to sometimes, I want to be noticed and wanted. I think the snake with charm when it needs to, but if it feels threatened it isnt afraid to bite. And I can bite when I need to. Buffalo (or bison, whatev): This is the only non-predatory animal I connect myself to. Even though I often have a disdain for beings weaker than me, as soon as I see someone get attacked I automatically throw myself into the fight. I feel like that is a buffalo trait because if there is an attacker they will form a circle around the young and the weak. They are willing to put themselves in harms away to protect others. I think it is weird that I feel like a protector, because I also feel like a predator a lot of the time. Owl: This is a recent find for me. The owl is a creature that is on a higher plane than others I think. It doesnt have a great grip on reality, it watches the world but doesnt have anything to do with it. It is more introspective and private than other animals. Its eyes see a little deeper into the spiritual and emotional nature of life than the regular routine of living. Owls are almost in a dream state. I feel like I am in a dream most of the time, I might be forcing myself deeper into my subconscious so I dont have to deal with the reality of daily life though. So thats that, those are the animals I feel like. I dont think there is anyone thing that could describe me, ever. Which I guess is ok. I think I am trying a put on myself just so I have something to rely during this personal semi-crisis. I think I have put off knowing what I am for too long, and now I am scrambling to find me before I have to deal with this coming change. Better late than never, right? In the name of finding myself?

It seems like this is kind of turning into a dream journal, sorry void, at least I am paying attention to you though? So I had this dream last that makes me wish I didnt burn as many bridges as I did. I wish that I had had a chance at closure, you know? A chance to make everything better, instead of ignoring it. I tried to apologize once, which pretty much blew up in my face, and made me not want to say sorry ever again. I wouldnt even know where to start. Go to everyone I was ever mean to and be like "hey man, sorry or whatever, here is a gift basket." No, I think not. But I find the guilt and regret getting less and less as time goes on. Maybe in a couple of years I will stop feeling remorseful, and just feel indifferent. That would be the best.

I dreamt of two moons in the sky. The one on the left was a very thin crescent, the one on the right was almost half. We walked down the empty road, in the middle of fields, the light coming from the moons showed us the way. Rolling hills came up out of the fields, like waves. We walked and walked under the two moons.

Dear loving void, its been awhile since we spoke. A lot of things have changed in the past couple months. I still work at my talking job, I still live in my sweet apartment/house, I still watch my aquarium and smile at the thunder. I also got a puppy in march :D She is so fucking cool and her name is Trissa. She is an australian shepard german shepard mix and she is way fluffly and soft. I spend a lot of my time with her, either walking or just chilling. I also changed my shift to 10 hours. This basically means that the days that I work suck donkey balls and the days that I dont so super awesome. This also allows me to have a three day weekend every week. Also my Love is joining the military. We still have to wait a couple weeks before he finds out when he leaves for basic training, but my heart tells me it is pretty much a done deal. I have been thinking about my sponge gift lately, and my art. I feel like I should start working on those two things soon, I think I need to have them for something important. The future is more clear and also more fuzzy right now, like I am looking at myself through a foggy mirror. I know what I look like, and yet I also see the distorted image of me. But my dear void, I regret ignoring you. I promise I will be paying more attention to you in the coming weeks, my great gentle void, so prepare yourself for constant love. in the name of the future and all that may come.

What am I doing here? Old memories, bad memories, unable to find closure for so old of wound. What have I learned? Regret, I have learned to deal with the feeling of regret. I have learned to deal with knowing that I have hurt so many and have in turn been hurt. Why do these memories keep coming back? Am I going to be one of those old ladies who dwells in the past, never thinking that her blathering may be uninteresting to everyone around? Someone who believes her past is the only thing she has left to hold onto? I hope not. Because I pretty much fucked my past up. I've no fond memories of getting praised my parents because I got on the honor roll. I don't have any grand childhood adventures that I can recall. I have done nothing truly amazing in my life and I probably never will.

I've decided that one day when technology is great enough, Bill O'reilly and Glen Beck are going to be become one person. And his name will be the antichrist, and we will be fucked.

I was having a nice conversation at work when all of a sudden a coworker started getting preachy. He said things like "there is so much more you could do with your life" and "you will never be happy" and these things made me very upset. Here are a few reasons why I am upset: One) I am happy how I am now. I have a good life, a good husband, a good job. I am insanely happy where I am right now. I dont think that going to a church I dont believe in and dealing with a bunch of hypocrites would improve my mood. Two) Who the fuck are you to tell me what I should or should not be doing with my life?! Yes I understand that you believe that everything you say is correct, yes I understand that you really believe that in order to recieve blessings in the next life I must join your religion, I also understand that you think that I wont be able to be with my husband after I die. Its ok that you believe that, but I dont believe that so shove off. Three) Why isnt being a decent person enough? I havent killed anyone, I dont eat babies, all I do is try to be a good person. Why dont you think that God is happy with that? Why do I have to join a mass religion in order to get into heaven? Why do I need to follow rules that I dont believe will hinder or help me? Why do you have to be so fucking judgemental?! Dont give me your fucking soap box about why I do the things I do. I am the way I am because I like it! fuck you! I think that concludes my rant for the month. For everyone out there reading this, its ok to have you own beliefs and faiths, just dont try to push 'em on me. AMEN

I have slept so much the past few days, and all this sleeping keeps me awake during insanely odd hours. This also prevents me from having a normal, not-sleep-delirious conversation with anyone. I should sleep better hours, for sure. Also, in all my not sleeping I have basically trashed my apartment. You would think I would have the energy to clean it up but in fact the opposite is true, since I have been sleeping so much I feel more sleepy. My body is like "Fuck it, lets go back to bed."

I want something amazing to happen today. I want something fantastic, I want something to sweep me off my feet and take me away. I just want something,awesome.

Its 5 in the morning, and I still cant sleep. I took some nyquil, and I still cant sleep. Maybe this has something to do with me sitting on my ass all the time. Maybe I am just restless, maybe my body realizes how much time I lose when I sleep. Time to do what? Sit on my ass. I get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow. I am a little freaked. I got a new job, I start after I get my wisdom teeth out. I think I figured out why I want a dog. Protection. Some of you may say "Get a gun!", but I am just not comfortable with guns. Too many things can go wrong. I am alone, a lot, and the most frequent time I am alone is at night. I want a big nasty dog to stay with me and scare off anything that tries to get in. I am pretty sure my cats would try to make friends with a thief if one came into my house to still things. I think sleep is useless.

The clouds are dripping over the western mountains. I can practically smell the charge thats in the air. My skin absorbs the humidity, and it prickles with electricity. A thunder storm is being born. The skyheaves and gasps in her labor, collecting herself before she bears her violent child. My pupils grow wide. A wave of chill electricity rushes over my skin, goose bumps appear and tingle slightly. I take a deep breath, willing myself to keep this moment forever. Freeze time and always be in this present.

I find myself pondering aimless questions. Lazily chewing on each one untill I grow bored or frustrated. I dont know the answers. I've hit a point in my life. This is a moment. There is something that I need to remember. I'm depressed. Lethargic. Unusually social. I want to go out and do things. I want to be with people. I want someone to tell me who I am and why I am here. And I know that now ones that. How will I define from this point onward? Where should I go? Where should i begin? Pointless questions that will make me feel sheepish later, I'm sure. Later when I know who I am again and where I am in the world, I will look back and say "why would I not know who I am?"

I have been carrying around a plush bunny all week long. We do things together, she plays video games with me, she is under my arm every night when I sleep. I think I may just be reverting back to being 5. It gives me comfort to have this bunny with me. Its like a blanket almost. I dont take her to work of course, that would just be too crazy. I also think that I want to keep my grown up self and my kid self away from each other. Anyways. Thats pretty much it. I'm going mad.

So I have to tell you something. I have always always wanted to be a singer. Silly I know. But I have. Problem is I come from a musical family, and apparently I am so under-talented that they felt as if they needed to put out those dreams as soon as humanly possible. And so, here I sit. Longing rather desperatly to be able to sing... and to sing in front of people. Unobtainable dreams are the worst. Someone shoot me.

The bullshit that comes out of my coworkers mouth is unbelievable! One second she is an ignorant holier than thou racist fat hick bitchface... and the next she says: "well the kids are the future, and I just want to help them." ...What... the... fuck... How are you helping?! You sit around on your fat ass all day badmouthing students! HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU HELPING! How bout, instead of stuffing your face with so much food, you send that money to say, an orphanage, a charity that helps kids with cancer... something like that? Or, you could KEEP YOUR FAT MOUTH SHUT and DO YOU FUCKING JOB! You are supposed to teach students, not be a fat ass downer. Maybe you could fucking think about what you are saying before you open you fat fucking fatty fatty fat fat mouth. How bout that? How about you act like a real fucking person? Hmm? Would you do it for a donut? You better watch out, I will fucking destroy you.

The past week has been like this. I get intensely cold, stay that way for about 8 hours, and then I get so hot and sweaty I feel slippery. Its not so fun. I've also been tired pretty much all week. No matter how much sleep I get I always want more. But the more I sleep on my old bed the more my back hurts, the more my backs hurts the more I want to lay down. Its a vicious cycle. Besides those two complaints its been pretty good since we last talked. I think my mind got so fried with all the repressed violence that it finally just turned itself off. I feel immortal. Not the gay kind of immortal where you go around being a pussy vampire. Oh excuse me, PUSSY vampire. More like the tired, indifferent shade that you may not always see or hear, but you know she is always there, always watching. That kind of immortal. Which I think is good, its probably a better way to cope. On another note, but kind of the same... I dont think I am ever gonna really get along with my sister, she is such a bitch. A couple weekends ago me an my mom went up and visited that pregnant cow and she pretty much found a way to be condescending in every situation. I dont know if my mom doesnt see it of if she just chooses to keep thinking that everything is ok between me and the bearer of her ever precious grandchildren. But yeah. We're not friends.

Not the good tasty punch, the punch where I put my fist into your face at high velocity... so it hurts you... alot. Because your stupid. I am pretty sure that if someone told me that I could maim whoever I wanted without consequence I would. I would maim a couple people in fact. I would do it with a baseball bat. In my imagination, I would first do a few good swings about the kneecaps, then I would wop 'em on the face. It would be great, such a release of stress and anger, all in one violent and satisfying blow. I cannot however, take a bat to whoever I want. I must behave myself. And I am getting pretty fucking tired of it.

"You have tired eyes." "I'm tired right now." "No, not really sleepy eyes, more like weary eyes." "Weary?" "Yes, like you have to much to worry about." I guess it shows. Its not bad, every part of my life is good except for the work part... and I just worry. I fret and fuss. If I just let it all go I probably wouldn't be so tired. I want to just pick up leave, just run.