jbkejbf its been awhile since i have wrote in this but nothing much is really new besides the point that im trainingg and stuff . volleyball has been amazing im actually going to be soo down when its over and our team has growen so much its incredible the last tournament we came 1st out of 38 teams or something we dominated and i did awesomeee i guess from what parents and people said and blah its just an amazing team i love them sooo much and all our rides and bus trips and clothing choosing haha oh my geee but anyways what else is knewww well gordon thats about it..i really like him..and he knows htat and he likes me and i dont know theres something between us..well you would have to say that considering we talk every single night and all but i dont know we talk about it all the time about dating and stuff and i dont know i just dont have the time..like i do..you have time for everything you really want.but i dont know if its something i want right now..like my friends are a huge part of me.and when you can only hang out with them so much in a week without worrying about other sports and stuff you know somethings wrong and like its hard to even have a full ngiht without conflicts and im just not ready to have that comittment and like his friends are really good friends with mine..and it would be just ackward but hes such a good guy..likee ahh its weird just cause we are oppisite in ways and we have our moments but yet hes just there for me at timess. just the dumb thing that im super bad with.well okay im just going to be blunt..im horrible with guys..i always get attached superr easily and just i dont know sometimes i think i get to know them too well..enough that i start disliking them but im just horrible with guys ahah.but anyways yeah theres tylerr..and well see my birthdays coming up and like all of a sudden he just popped back in..and like tyler is one of those guys in my life i wont let go of for some odd reason..cause to tell you the truth he can be the biggest jerk at times.but yet we still have something..still..and i always get into these conversations with him and like people always tell me. that as soon as i start liking him again he will do one thing and it will just be a cycle.i like him.i dont i do i dont.and its just over and over againnn.and im soooo dumb for falling for that like i need to just start fresh and forget about hima nd its sooo frustrating cause everyy single word that someone tells me about him andwhat he is going to do.is right..its happens all the time and yet.here i am being gullable ..over and over agian.lol..but really i dont care i relaly shouldnt and just stop worrying about it and i tell gordon this..but like..my priorities right now are volleyball,school,friends/family ..and really i dont have much else to worry about..i need to focus on myself and worry about what is coming up and not focus on the past..like right now i need to get my marks up..i need a 50..at the least really i have so much i need to get onto and like at this second i hate to say this but even my volleyball is overtaking my school and i need to get back into the focus that volleyball may not take me as far as i want to..and i need a back up and that is to get my marks moving ..higher and im acutlaly trying now but its frustratingg.cause i work soo hard and then i choke at the smallest test and come out of a fail and i hate it cause then you hear the kids behind you grunt cause they got a 89%and thats not good enough and yet they dont have to work at all for anythinggnsd fskfbgsjdb faced hah but hard work always pays off in the end and i just have to keep digging and digging and the outcome will come soon.. like and its scary ..next year.. i will be commited somewhere to a college/university.. and yet i dont feel ready for that..but yet i have people saying i am ready for that.blah this scares the shit out of me..like aghhhhhhh

Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing. Failure is temporary. Giving up is what makes it permanent.

agh i want to write here but i just dont really know what to write about.. how could i have something to write about i sat at home listening to our lady peace the whole day aha and watched coach carter at 4:30 in the morning.oh my.i cry in that movie every single time and then maybe tonight i should watch OC season 1 allll of it that shall be fun..i really havent done a day like this for a long time and im glad i did.lol kinda in a way but anyways what shall i talk aboutt.. well?..all ive really been doing lately.is volleyball.training and basketball..agh not to exciting im telling you..except for this optimum training thing im doing with my volleyball team its actually funny and fun and healthy at the same time but i went and saw him and he talked about my strength and flexibility and like weight and such.and i need to lose alot of weight except for me.what he said was that im not as strong as i could be..which is so true i belive it.like im strong but i could be so much more like he went to do these chin up things and i couldnt even do 1 ahah KJ couldnt either so i wasnt sooo embarrassed but we still were but at the same time my flexability is actually really good.which is kind of weird cause i always thought i was the most un-flexible person alivee..but i guess i lied?.its fun though im going to be in such good shapee and i can lose alot of weight in the areas i need to in a healthy way and not get sick or anything..well actually he said i probably wont be changing my weight to much cause the fat in my body is going to end up turning in to muscle..and i was like shitt..but see i dont want to be buff.i just want to bee equal and stuff and i told him that but anyways im just rambleing..agh but volleyball is sooo good omggg i love it with a passion the only thing is latelyy its been so painful..like shin splints fuckk..so kelly said i need to take a break from basketball for 2 weeks so that im full strength for the prospects camp in assinaboina on feb 3 and 4..you have no idea how excited i am for that omggg hah.so basketball can wait for an opportunity like that. but anyways.. lately ive been thinking about university and college and stuff and what i really want to do and like ive been talking to my dad about it and stuff and just getting ready like starting to get an idea of really where i want to go.like i already know and have my heart set on a volleyball scholarship to somewhere in the states to be able to play NCAA level would be amazing oh my but yet playing at a university in canada would be just as good either or.but like we've started to get a path going for me and such to get to the level i want to achive at and while we are doing this it kind of scares me.like i dont know how tohandle it like i do but yet i dont.like its scary.im growing up so fast, i dont want to grow up i want to be 12 again...there were barley any problems except for best friends and who was your #1 fav and you could never choose agh i miss it so much but anyways.. i guess i ended up just ramblelling on about nothing just cause i wanted to write something new in here ahah anywaysss 'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world, there is nothing enlightened about shrinking, so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine, as children do. Its not just in some of us, its in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.'

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck i hateee him omg .fuck like ugh.i hate it too cause i absoultly love my team and the girls and 2 of the coaches but i hate him so much..hes actually made me hate the sport im sorry thats unacceptable..you cant just rage on someone and have the nerve to trip them?..what would he do if i came up to him when he was pissing me off and just trip him..and then last week to throw a ball at me..and then have the nerve to say it was an accident?..like no..sorry..your foot just doesnt "accidently" fly out and hit me..so what you think i have "potential" i hate the sport i dont want to play it ever again..i dont even want to play it right now just i love the girls so much it would be hard to just leave and like ughhhhh im so over whelmed right now i just cant handle it..and i feel like shit too because i pretty much let the team down because i keep having these random let downs where i give up and make them run..or i just leave sorry girls..

sitting, thinking, wishing..waiting..

okayy.. okay.. im just doing the typical use this thing as my out burst on life..it hasnt been easy lately..okay well i dont know this is going to be really hard to just let out theres so much and i just cant hold it in anymore.enough that i just opened up a little while ago to someone ive knowen for like .umm..1 month but just the wayy i did it i wish i could do that more with out someone thinking lower of me or just pointing and saying oh thats the girl..but just the way he talked to me the way he just told me things i never really thought about and when it comes to conclusion and you think about it in a differnt perspective it makes the situation differnt..the reasons for this is NOT my fault and i cant be blaming that on myselff and for someone else to tell me that.or to actually tell me that im doing good was almost like i just got given a million dollars its things so small that can help someones day so much more..the random hugs from close friends you dont see mean so much when you can barley lift your head off the table..just lately.i dont know who i am..i look in the mirror and see a mess..someone who just lost everything good they have left going for me and the only thing i do have left is something thats easy..something that i dont have to deal with..volleyball.. thats how much ive lost..and to the point im so scared lately. im usually the type to walk up and be like hey and start something but now its like everything to me is stupid because i know im going to have to deal with it and i dont want that i dont want people that i have to make plans with i dont want a life .. just i dont know who i am anymore..like for me to say i dont want people aroudn i dont want to do anything ..i use to be the one trying and trying to get out of the house..but at nights its just like i want to sleep and never wake up..mornings i dont want to wake up and thats not me..i cant deal with anything anymore all i do is just gather it inside me until i cant handle it anymore to the point where i get headaches till i pass out..i cant eat..i cant sleep..im constantly shaking and it hurts me soo much just because 6 months ago i had the greatest things.i had the best group of friends anyone can ask for..i had everythingg perfect that was out of my house.. but when people say family is more important.family is your life..well sometimes its just to me..family is what is ruining me on the inside.someone my age cant hold that much in..i cant hold in i dont know how to let go i dont know how to do anything anymore..and like this person all they said was you promise me to call me when your down..and i said yes but try and pick up the phone to dial there number when your in tears..stuttering your words..you want to talk to them soo bad and just let it go .but at the same time you dont want them to feel less of you and like i dont know how i just let myself go like that..when you have a panic attack in the middle of the basketball court..who are you..at that moment your no one..to yourself and it feels like someone is tearing you right in half but really you just cant handle it..and i know i can do soo much in life..like i have the greatest volleyball coming my way..i have my future planned out..at the age of 15..what else can you have better..but reallyy come to think about it..when you cant even find yourself right now..this second.this day.this moment how are you going to persue in the future..and thats what i need to get straight i need to realize im going to have to deal with things..im going to have to realize there is more then just me who can listen to me..i have to realize i cant hold all of this in.. i just cant i have enough on my shoulders and then you takee the extra things where it shuts you down it makes you feel less of a person.. no one in this world at this age should feel like this ..no one should.. p.s this wont make any sense like i said i just wrote what came to my head..

its times like these i wish i could just tell the world how i feel ..i dont like feeling like this..it just isnt me.. nothings been like me lately.. i dont like school.. i dont want to be at basketball i dont want volleyball.. i dont want friends.. i dont want anything.. i dont have a family.. i dont have bestfriends i dont..wait..no.. i lost everything.. i dont even want to wake up anymore.. its just to hard.. i cant handle it ANYMORE... this just isnt me... i dontt like it when it feels like you cant even talk to your "best friends" anymore because you only hear about them talking about you behind your back and you dont wanna open up to them because you dont trust them anymore and then you dont feel like part of the old group anymore because of that one person that you used to be able to talk to and trust and now you dont even know who they are.

and that would be why i have moved on.. wow what a shitty day.. i miss jacqui

kayy so im pretty much sooo tired and stressed as if this weeek ughh kayy december 3-11 daily plan for the weeekk dec3-volleyball 730-11 -boxing 1230-2 -personal trainer 330-5ish -conditioning 7-830 9 ishh dec4-volleyball 11-2 -personal trainer 330-5ishh -conditioning 7-9 ishh dec5- conditioning - 530 am - 645 am -basketball 335-545 pm -personal trainerr 645-745 dec6-conditioning- 530 am- 645 am -basketball game- 500-630ish -boxing 8-930 dec7-basketball- 7am-815ish -volleyball - 6pm - 9pm -conditioning if im not tired dec8-basketball- 7am- 815ish -boxing - 5pm-7 -conditioning- 7pm- 9ish dec9-conditioning- 530am-645am -personal trainer- 5-745pm -basketball -330-545 dec10-volleyball-8am-12 -boxing- 230-330 -conditioning 7pm-9 dec11- conditioning- 7-830 am -volleyball 11-2 -sports physcology- 3-4 and that would be my sched..and then my parents ask me why im so stressed and then i have school to top that and a disfunctional family..ugh..and thennn my friends ask why i can never do anything anymoree.aghhh so tough but at the same time i absoulty love it cause its my passionn.. and its going to catch up with me later and help me to get my scholarshipppp ohhh goshh that gets me excitedd :D :D

We’re Building Bridges So Don't Lose Your Grip While Elegantly Wasting Everything For Me, Just A Girl On Fire. I'm Only Searching So Let Me Ride Off And Shake The Tree, Watch Each Leaf Tumble, Hear Each Branch Thud. She Is Rising, Shining Like Your Eye. She Of Galaxy Dust And Rainbow Silk. Please Show Me Were We Are . Just Thrown Together As A Mess, Kicking And Calling To The Devils Inside. Guns Pointing In Our Sky, Kick Again And Mediate To Mystify. I’m Needing You Tonight, So Never Tear Us Apart. Apart From This New Sensation. We, The Loved Come With Tiny Daggers Of Peddles And Ice, And Wild Life Will Listen Like Thieves,Biting Every Bullet, Take The Good And Bad, We Kiss The Dirt While Falling Down The Mountains, They’re Listening Like Thieves Now, One By One, Red Red Sun Sinks Down And In A Different Direction , Shining Like They Do, The Guns Boom , Is This What You Want? Every Horrible Miscellaneous Scene, Each With The Deepest Secrets? Deliver Us From Terror And Light The Planets As Sparkles Beat Down On Our Eyes. We, The Loved Ones, The Strangers, These Are Our Times, We Are The Mess, Thrown Carefully Together, Just Teaching To Smile. And One By One, We Try Not To Loose Our Heads, And Keep Our Grip. Black Nor White, Will Change This Dream... In Our Golden Playpen, With Pealing Paint We Cry Out. Here Comes Our Answer. The World And Its Soul Mistakes, Spying On Love, Creating War. One Thing Looking At You Underneath All The Colours. That Fair Weather Ahead That Follows Horizons Till Dawn. Just To Learn Again, How To Smile. Night Of Rebellion And Growing Old, Underneath Those Colours, What Will We See? Welcome To Wherever You Are Children, Everything And Nothing All Around You, Now Baby Don't Cry, Back In Line Beautiful Things. Lost Communications To Heaven, We Haven’t Enough Time.. And Those Questions We Cried, Strange To Desire Such Taste. To Swim In That Wishing Well Of Bitter Tears, I Rather You Stay By My Side Dear. While It Will Disappear, Along With Death, Death, Dying In Each Other. Now Hear That Sound And Know The Difference. I’m On My Way, Pass Me That Dagger. The Stars Aren’t That Far Anymore. Cresent Moons And Dirty Hearts, Just Cut Your Weapons Down. Those Days Of Rust And Rot Are Gone.. Freedom Is Deep, So Deep It Kills. And Makes An Image Of Peace. We Are Not The Gift , Merely The Messengers. Time Has Its Language, Read It And Speak. And Your Dreams Are Jumping. Your Heart Is Thumping. This Is A Fountain Of Faith. Just Keep Walking On, Pouring You'r Fountain On These Streets. You’re Learning To Smile Again, Stars Skating Swiftly, Across The Ocean. And The Fires In Heaven Are Singing For You. All The Voices Burn For You . Dancing On Silver Faces. I’m Just a Girl, Once On Fire. And I’m Burning Out. Fear Is Melting With Me In The Sun , And The Sun Is Smiling With You Now. So Smile Back Dear.

Every glove you put on, every step you take into that ring. Fear wont make you win. Its each thrust, each punch, each movement that will make you succedd. You cant sit there and think about what you just did, you have to anticipate, anticipate each move, each step. The determination, the training, the mental the physical training that put you to where you are, theres no time to just glare.You must want to win, beat, fight every moment you just lost. Its every step that i took wrong that makes me strive harder, faster and stronger. Its not the physical that will get you stronger, its the mental thought behind every move.The true strength comes from within. -mackenzi m. "In the ring, I never really knew fear." -Rocky Marciano

I Hate How I'm Scared To Get Close With Anyone Right Now How I'm So Scared To Get Hurt And How I Feel So Alone Right Now I Tired Of Trying To Figure shit Out I Know What I Want And Who I Want And Who My Real Friends Are I Don't Need A Friend Who's Just Gonna Shut Me Out Of They're Life Making Me Feel Like I Meant Nothing To Them When That Person Meant So Much To Me Maybe One Day That Person Might Miss Me Even Just A Little Bit And That Person Just Might Pick Up The Phone And Call Me I Wouldn't Even Say Hello I Would Just Say I Miss You...

so i pretty much think its time for a real update on whats happening other then my 5 word entrys.. but alot has been going on alot..new school.new friends.new sports.new teams new clothes everything people changing and i think that one is bothering me alot i think.just the point everything that has happend i didnt expect to happen im hanging out with totally differnt people then what i thought and sometimes it makes me want to just crawl into a hole and hide... it seems like i dont even have friends anymore.it really doesnt.. i barley see them other then sports or one class a day..and maybe its the boyfriend situation.maybe its just the new school or maybe its just us..something that was meant to happen..everything happens for a reason..and i know im changing im changing alot .i think ive changed more in 2 months then i have in 3 years i really do.and i miss the classes where you could walk 12 seconds and find someone..and just seeing these people isnt the same anymore .its like im a drag to them..so at the time when you feel like your a drag to someone to you keep just "dragging " along with them?..and no you wouldnt why.when you already feel like your bugging them..and im not sure i knew that when i started this school i wanted lots of friends..enough so that i get all types and i got that and sometimes i wish i could run up to my real..well..sometimes i wonder..friends and just go with them but i want to and sometimes try but its like there rolling there eyes..so why? they have someone with them..and like right now im close to one but i miss the other half i do..like everyone together its like ugh..and i hate that alot..i dont have friends i dont..like i do but it just doesnt seem right i have them but i see them once a day..and sometimes thats my choice but sometimes i wish i could just be able to ask them to hang out but it seems like its a chore to hang out with eachother and theres lots coming up that i want to do with people but i dont know if its even going to happen..well thats as much as i can vent so farrrr my wrists hurt so much from today i dont even know why jess M. and i left the last period class today and since then its hurt soo mcuhh oh well welllll...

school volleyball is one big joke.. i misss club.. i miss bammm i misss away tournaments ugh volleyballs stupid

@%@$@!@^%&%^* ugh sports are dumb.. reallly ive had like no time for myself anymore and i think im starting to need it.when you come homee all the time and just break downnn and get mad i dont think its goood.like my ONLY free day with NOTHINGGGG on it is on the 18th..ugh but anywayss so volleyballs going good..sorta..okay not really..well it is but its not its getting really frustrating i dont think my coaches reallyy like me that much.and i think its just because i correct them on what i think is right and i know they hate that but whatevs.its just stupid cause they sit me.and i cant say anything and i dont want to go to them cause no coach likes people coming to them talking a about play time.and ive been counting how much ive sat and its stupid cause i really need this season to be good so i can get better for club..bad cause im shooting for a scholarship..and it wont happen if this is happening but i talked to jessiee which was so nice i really miss her i do and its been nice to hang around with her..OH SHITTT..its meagosss birthdayy AGH her present isnt donee oh fuckk ohhh fuckk.. im suchhh a bad friend..gosh.. well maybee she will be okay if i give it to her on friday or on thursdayyy oh gosh i hope soo.. welll lately ive been on the phone quite a bit with tyler..or danny.gosh i love them bothh..but tylerr i just cant figure that kid out ..but anyways i wont get into that.. ugh we had stupid dinner this weekend..im not going to say it was good.just causee of family stuff.my family is so disfunctional its almost getting pithetic like when you cant even get one dinner right you knoww youve got problems but anyways i better get goingg.whyy..cause its 630 amm and i got practice yo'

What if everything you were sure about Suddenly made you question yourself? What if every decision you made for the last few months You shouldn’t have been able to make on your own? What if your favorite song All of a sudden lost all meaning? What if everybody else was right And you were the one that was wrong from the beginning? What if you suddenly felt something Like you just didn’t belong? What if you lost your best friend And everything felt so wrong? What if everything you thought you knew Turned out to be just a big mistake? What if your life was full of regrets And you couldn’t take any of them back? What if your entire life was a lie And you didn’t know it until the day when you die? What if you fell for a guy/girl And then had to ask yourself why? What if the one thing you need the most Is to just sit alone at night and cry? What if you realized you don’t even know or understand yourself Let alone know or understand anybody else? What if the one person you need the most Suddenly wasn’t there? What if nobody understood what you were going through And no matter how hard they try to understand they never do? What if everything I just said Didn’t even make sense to myself?What if all of a sudden I’m lost And this is just a cry out for help?

asjngbdjgndsjgn im at homee and i dont want to bee i hate being sickk and sore and agh i saww the used and alexisonfire and underoath last night with the lovely baileyy i love herrr and the concert = loveee i think used could have done a coupleeeee more songs but i wish i was 18 so i could have gone to there after partyy quinns birthday awee shucks.buttt and i saw system of a down withh arianaa on monday which was alsoooo amazingg gosh i love life right now maybee i like him.theres just something about him that keeps bringing me back and i wish i could just let goo im sooo dumbb

well its a shitty rainyy sad kind of weekend dont ask me why.just last night i went and rented just about every sad,mushyy movie you can find around and the oc and dawson's creek to top it all off and cheetos and rose buds and hot chocolate niceee eh.lol i havent slept yet just the normal movie marathon anyways well highschool started.. im addictied every things so nice and fun and easy.ive met some people not alot but some barley any cute boyss im on the shy side for talking to them but i saw one on the bus yesterday bailey and i kept looking at him something about him reminded me of something i dont know what but there was just something about him i couldnt stop looking and by the wayyy it was quite obvious he was looking..ihave eyes idiott.he was looking from the side of his eye i just couldnt figure out what he reminded me of like i knew i saw him somewhere but it wasnt like that he lives near me.or his friend does i dont know but i hope i see him again for some reason just cause well i dont know i want to figure out what he reminds me of ugh anyways but yeah i dont have all that much to tlak about i misss evan i havent talked to him for awhile and its stupid sports i have no life anymore..neither does he..but i dont want that to stop us.like ugh its nice talking to him but anyways i better get shakinnnnn ive got breakieeee on the stoveee bye lovess

blah this weekend= shitt minus the clothing i got but still it was boring and nothing happend no callss no familyy no nothing it was just another rainy,yucky weekendd which all equal too mackenzii with no make up.messy hair.sweat pants and a hoodiee and slippers lol i liked that part but today my dad helped me find some hotels in ferniee bailey and i decided we wanted a weekend away and stuff and see danny and weston and all her friends im actually so excited and hope it all works out cause ive never really done anything really close with her you know and it will just be funn but we looked at hotels and my dad is even thinking about coming to he wants a skiing weekend and i want some good fernieee snowboarding hill.LOL but we saw somee and bailey if you see this before i talk to you get ahold of me FAST lol i have ssome complex ideas.actually not so much but anyways hm i pretty much have no life starting this week..with volleyball 5 friken times a week and add on football and then add on boxing two times a week im just glad i dont have a job or anything i wouldnt have any time i dont know maybe this might be a good thingg.. but anyways saturday i thought about alot of things like just life in general you know laying on my bed no music.no sounds just me and my bear..that talks..it talks really.but anyways.i just thought about friends.family and where im really going with it.like my friends okay highschool.work.sports.boyfriends.thats all i really have to say about that its just i dont know im not going to be seeing them much anymore and im disapointed like this weekend sucked balls.i didnt do one thing and sometimes i wish i had that courage to pick up the phone and call them anytime but i just dont they have someone and i can neverrrr get over this but i hate feeling like im budding in ..and thats how im feeling right now just like i dont know it seems like im just budding into peoples stuff like out of 4 girls..3 of them have boyfriends and at this stage i dont know there getting to the point i think i should back off for a bit..sometimes i think half of there problems are me..cause im around to much like the other night i called one of them to do something and they said they would call me back in about 10-20 mins..it was like hour and half i sat staring at my phone and then finally called there house and they were gone.so i just left it and moved on realizing that this weekend is going to be me and movies..and sometimes i think thats good but absfkjsbdgfjk this is a hard concept but anyways family is shitty right now i never really tell anyone.i just dont feel its nessecary.like some of them just wouldnt understand im going threw something that would seem complicated with them.like i almost wrecked the party the other weekend and it was just cause its my house..and i heardd a mom sayy someything like why dont you hang out at macs house and sometimes i wish i could i wish i could invite people over every day but i know as soon as someone would walk in that door they would notice something and they would notice something else then what people really think of my family and i dont want people seeing that..like my house is a mess.my mom.is i dont know..my dads a work addicc and busy and it frustrates me cause it changes what im like around my friends.im use to being in i dont know but sometimes i guess its hard to be at someones house cause it looks so perfect.there family is so peaceful and they dont understand how lucky they really are sometimes i wish i could tell them but i cant just cause its rude i guess.but maybe im just not realizing this is reality..its not going to be flowers.and butterflies and rainbows and sunshinee...

its the point shes hurt.and its not the first time..and its my fault.if i didnt just pick up the phone and call.this wouldnt have happend..why am i like this.why is everything happening.i cant stand it.. they say its not my fault.have they felt what i feel right now.have they..i wouldnt have been up till 5 in the morning shaking till i couldnt walk.if i just called.why.. i dont understand whats going wrong. i try. i fail i try i fail. ive had this call before.but why is she lieing i dont know.why is she saying things to me that its not my fault.i should have called..