18... i thought it'd never come. now i wish it hadn't. Lifes hard. I thought they were all lying to me when i was younger. I thought i could handle it.. It's tough. I know im sick.. They just wont confirm it. "we dont know what that is" well i do... i do.. Scared shitless.. ********************************************* high school senior, working 2 jobs. everyday of my life i dig deeper and deeper and the one i thought would be my best friend forever has abandoned me. Ok, fine, blame it on me. blame it on my mistakes. but when i came to you and appologized and opened my heart back up to you, who slamed the door? you.. ********************************************* ever been cheated on by someone you lost your family and friends for? ever been played by someone you spent 2 years loving like there was no tomorrow? I have. Try to get over him without your support.. ********************************************* Well, im still breathing. im gonna have to live with what im givin, and what im not. Im sorry chelsea. Im sorry jessie. Im sorry dad.. Most of all.. Im sorry to myself. for making mistakes that you just might have to live with for the rest of your life. One careless move is all it takes.. just one and you could be tainted forever..

my dirty little secret is that i'm still in love with him...

im bouncin off the walls again...whoa... I LOVE YOU

well, my step-dad looked on my history on the computer, so now he knows my diary site, so i'll probably be getting a new one soon...because my mom and my step-dad are REALLY nosey and i dont want them reading all my stuff...they dont need to know everything about me, even thought they think they do...so I'm gonna go ahead and take all my friends off my list so they cant read your guys's stuff either... I'll keep you posted on my new diary...

i cant go to my dads this weekend..i have to work. but over fall break i am having my sister and jessica come out to morristown to hang and live the life of a player wit me! lol...ok, later...

Yesturday was my brothers 2nd birthday (thats me and him up at the top)...we had a freakin huge party with 36 people here.. it was pretty crouded.. i went to a football game friday... i went to go see courpes bride yesturday. it rocked... thats about it...

Dean and I arent dating anymore...i told him i didnt want to be with him because he told me that he kinda likes someone else so he didnt know if he wanted to stay with me or not. so i was like "whatever dustin, im not gonna sit here and wait around for you to make up your mind. I'm sick of being second best." So we still talk as friends..but nothing more...

chelsea, you said you have to tell everything thats going on, so i guess you should email me and tell me. you know what..some people (jessie!)dont appriciate sitdiary...i love it, but some people believe in OTHER diary site or journals... i dont think i want to talk to those people... JUST KIDDIN!!! I LOVE YOU!

********************************************** Thank you chuz for the picture. ********************************************** This conversations been dead on arrival. ********************************************** Im hungry and I REALLY want some chinese food! ********************************************** Josh..get away...thank you ********************************************** I'll write more soon...the bells gonna ring... ********************************************** *Goodbye cruel world.*

im at school...again...chelsea..i shall see you tonight! k, gotta look up stuff for costa rica!!!! later gater!

im at school..i got a pass to the library b.c. i told my sub-teacher i had a report due today and i really needed to get it done...so, here i am! whats up?

read this ladies...read all of it! i got it from someones diary..i dont remember who...sorry! _____________________________________________________ This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be that they are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots,who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the rite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it. This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude L0VESzs and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend. This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys. This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call...and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it. So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race. So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)

so, i havent written in a while...sorry bout that. so, i started high school this year...im a little freshman...thats ok though...our freshman are "special" thats what the priciple said...and any freshman who passes istep this year gets to go to the imax theater and out to eat at the kopper kettle (its expencive...its like 15.82 for a peice of chicken and some greenbeans...) so thats exciting... high school is great. its so easy...and fun.. i love it... ok, later

crushed as in i have a crush... moving on... so i went to warped tour yesturday i got really sunburnt and kicked a couple times...but other than that...it was so awesome.!and i even found a camera on the ground with 9 pictures left on it and i used the pictures up...but my dad said i shouldnt get it developed because i dont know what pictures are already on there and that if it's like child porn, the developers will call the cops..so i dont know what to do... please help me out with my desicion...

So...a couple weeks ago I met this boy..because his brother is friends with my sister. and he's a year or 2 older than me...and hes really really ridiculasly good looking...and my sister and his brother and me and this boy went to the fair...then we went back to their house to watch a movie...then we went swimming in their pool..and my sister and I didnt get home till late/early...and I kinda really like him...but hes REALLY quiet. His brother said he's always like this around new people but i think he just doesnt like me...so..what should I do? ***************************************************************** 14 days till my birthday

i blocked all the images from my diary!!!! how do i get them unblocked!?!?!

holly munkey-ness!! i got my pics back!!!

my sister went to her dads house...im lonley... THANK YOU to all of you nice people who commented me on my last entry..i dont think i've ever gotten that many comments on one entry!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!

i hate this journal right now...last night i stayed up until 3 a.m. trying to fill out this survay thing and at the end i said "i do not sugest taking this survay because it takes hours to fill out." and when i pressed save. it didnt save...it said i wasnt loged into sit diarys anymore...errr....

here...i have a quiz/survay. 1) Spell out your name using bands/singers. Benji madden Elvis Taking back sunday Hanson Aerosmith New found glory Yellowcard 2) have you ever had a song written about you? Yes 3) what songs make you cry? Mr. Brightside-the killers The Drama Summer-starting line Down-Blink 182 Lasting Impresions-starting line 4) what song makes you happy? breathing-yellowcard 5) what do you like to listen to before bed? myself talking 6) height: 5'6" 7) hair color: constantly changing 8) eye color: sometimes blue, sometimes green 11) tattoos: nope...but i have a scar in the shape of a heart. r i g h t n o w 12) what color pants are you wearing?: I'm wearing shorts,and they are gray. 13) what song are you listening to?: Look what you've done- jet 14) what taste is in your mouth?: crackers 15) what's the weather like?: cloudy and humid 16) how are you?: same as usual 17) are you talking online: yes...but no one's talking back... 18) have a bad habit?: yep...i put on chapstick when im bored 19) get along with your parents?: most the time f a v o r i t e s 20) tv show: CSI 21) conditioner: some generic kind 22) book: yeah right...i dont read 23) restaurant: chinese 24) food: chinese 25) thing to do on the weekend: sit on my bed and listen to music 26) Male singer: (or band) fountains of wayne 27) Female Singer: kelly clarkson l a s t 28) Person you Hugged: chelsea! 29) Person you talked to in person: chelsea 30) Thing you drank: water 31) Person who imed you: chelsea 32) Person you imed: alex 33)Person who called you: cody 34) Person you called: cody r a n d o m 35) do you have a job: yes 36) your cd player has in it right now: fountains of wayne 37) if you were a crayon what color would you be?: red 38) what makes you happy: music 39) what's the next cd you're gonna get: fall out boy thats me....tada