I hate that you can make me feel this way. The thing I hate most is that either you have no idea you are doing this or you just really don't care. I don't know what's worse either. I hate that you can make me cry and feel terrible about myself. I hate that I still love you in spite of this. I hate that I'd do anything to make this not end, like I'm fearing it might.

So it has started again. It's really good. I'm kinda scared, good scared but scared nonetheless. It's going so well what is wrong with me. I guess we've just grown up a lot. It's so different. I'm excited. What did I ever do to deserve him?

I'm amazingly confused right now. I've been sleepy for days and after one conversation I'm so awake it's sick. I'm on this crazy country kick which I've never been on in my entire life, I hate country I've said it time and again and now that's all I want to listen to. I realized why our conversations are so long tonight, it's cause we actually don't know each other at all. I dated this boy for 2 months solid then randomly for another two months and I know so little about him. That's why it was doomed from the beginning. I think that's why we're gonna make good friends, because I have so much to learn still, but I already know that we're not cut out to be in a relationship together. We're too similar and too different at the same time, a popular reoccurance in my relationships. I also know that I really miss having a boyfriend, not him incase anybody is going to interprate it that way and I know people will. The holidays are really bad for that for me, it makes me feel particularly lonely. And the weird thing is that I'm not even gonna be in town for christmas but still lonely is also a good word to describe my mood as well as confused. Why am I a crazy rambler at like 2 in the morning? Maybe I'll try going to bed again...Cya.

ok so I've been reading my journals from when I started on here and I actually remember everything I was talking about. It's weird to see how far I've come in a year it seems like those things were forever ago. Like seriously I can't believe in between the times that I wrote in here a whole relationship started, went well, then crashed and burned.It's kinda scary how ast time actually goes. I miss how easy things used to be. Like really they weren't that easy but I know things are gonna get harder for me next year. I know it sounds kinda weird to say but I just want to grow up, even tho in some situations I long for how easy it used to be when we were young. No pressure, just a friendly time, not a committment. It's all bullshit. Is it wrong to want a real apology that doesn't sound laced with guilt that I've infused into them. I want him to actually feel sorry but I'm pretty sure thats the longest shot in hell that I have right now. I've also decided that even tho my relationships end up good, I push them to be assholes cause then I can have a reason to hate them in the end. And then I rebound with the absolute hottest, nicest, sweetest guys ever but I'm at that point where a boyfriend is the absolute last thing I want. So basically I'm just fucked in the head. I think a shrink would be a good investment for me. So on a lighter note it was my birthday last week. I got an ipod from my parents. We also were in the states at midnight when I turned 18, and we were staying at this sweet hotel with a casino so at midnight I went gambling. I know the age in the states is 21, but this hotel is on a reserve in Thief River Falls so the age on teh reserve is 18, so yeah. So at midnight I walked into the casino with $24 ammerican and walked out with $100. Then I went the next morning before we checked out and walked in with $5 and walked out with $15. I was pretty happy, cause thats more money for my trip to Ireland fund (August 2006 baby!). So that night I went to the bar got incredibly hammered and went in the show your underware contest at the bar. I had a fucken awesome night. I really like the bar but I haven't gotten to go back because I'm ppor and would rather go to Ireland...lol. K so it's 3 in the morning and I should probably go to bed. One last thing before I go...Kyle I will beat your ass and you know it. You're going down bitch! Luv ya anyway tho!...Cya!

As shitty a day it was expected to be it actually wasn't that bad. I have the best sense of closure right now, I'm actually very happy. Someone who doesn't love me for all my qualities not just some, isn't worth my time or aggrivation. As much as we're still friends, he's totally right a relationship would never work. I think in the past two weeks it hasn't been so much as I miss him but I missed 'us'. I missed using the term 'we' and 'us'. I really just miss having a boyfriend. And it was easy for him to be the one to miss cause he was my last boyfriend and we did have a lot of good times. I'll miss that the most, and maybe we'll stay friends, we're gonna try in 2006...lol. Well I'm tired and I have a new book I want to start reading so I'm done for tonight...Cya!

Ok so it is 2:30 am on Tuesday, November 15th and I just got inside. What was I doing outside you may ask? Shoveling snow. Yes today here in Winnipeg was our first big snow fall. Not that I even particularly enjoy snow but I couldn't sleep. So at 12:45 I decided a walk was a good idea. My parents however had different thoughts, being that I am crazy and should go back to sleep. I finally wore them down into letting me go outside but I wasn't allowed to leave the front of the house. So I wasn't just gonna sit there I decided to shovel the driveway which brings me to now. I finished and it looks great and then I was told to come inside so I'm here on the computer still feeling very restless. I want to vomit. I was convinced that I was when I was shoveling but I didn't. Damn shame if you ask me. Everything sucks shit right now. I hate school, I hate boys, the only people I like are my girl friends. Boys are stupid and act like children. Girls for the most part are stupid too. I hate people. This is ridiculous, this whole damn thing, and childish. It makes me angry. Why is it having so much effect on me. Like I can't even sleep thats how bad everything is. This is stupid. K I'm done. I think I'm gonna add this link to my profile so I don't want to go much more in detail. I'm done...Cya

Why do I do this? I have so many options and I'm just not happy with any of them...I don't even wanna write in this, but I don't really have a journal so I'll continue. Basically I want what I can't have. Its ridculous that I think I still have a chance when I so obviously don't. It's quite pathetic actually. I've actually fucked myself over. I always have this sick feeling cause I know I just want things to work out but they won't, they never do. I want to vomit but can't, hoping that it'll make me feel better but I know it won't. It's just ridiculous. Thats all I can say...Cya

Ok so it's been a hell of a long time since I've written in this but I was on and decided to add something. So things we're going great with the a-for-mentioned but now we're on a break and basically breaking up. So that kinda sucks but not in the realm of unusual considering my luck with finding a boy who actually cares about me after the first month is done. Oh well you live and learn. It is my birthday next week, the big 18 so I'm excited for that. I start university in september, which is gonna be different. I think I'm gonna enjoy university, everyone thinks its gonna be hard but only if you we're dumb and took classes just because they didn't offer anything like that in highschool. That means you have no background in the topic and if you aren't that interested, are gonna fail terribly. Oh well I guess I should go I have a lot of stuff to do before tonight...Cya!

Ok so it's pretty much time to update. If you've been reading the comments yes things have changed a bit in the last little while. There is a new boy; cutest boy ever. Things are great, not too fast, not too slow, just kinda moving at their own pace. Things are great. Hoping to get back in touch with a friend who has been doing exams for the past week and a bit. Just to kinda check how he is, what's going on with him. Just as a friend tho, I think things are better this way. I think this is the first time I've been really happy in a long time. Yeah I mean I could fake being happy really well, but I'm actually happy right now. Things are great. Well not too much else to say. Had mad fun on saturday with my girls and some RE boys, it was a fun time had by all...lol. But yeah other than that I'm out...cya!

K so it's been a long time since I've last updated. Not too much going on lately, actually. I'm on spring break, but that's almost over. I've been spending some time working out lately, which reminds me I must go and get my Y membership back sometime this week. I have another cold, yet I don't know where this one came from, how odd. I've been spending a lot of time with one of my "best friends" (if you know why its in quotations then good, if you don't nevermind.) It's been really good, I'm being zen about the whole thing, even tho I was blown off for rippers and bros tonight...lol, oh well it's all good, we didn't have definate plans so I really can't get mad. I went to John's last night. It was good, even tho I left at like 12...I had somewhere else to be, sorry girls. The somewhere else was good too. Thanks to Kyle for the compliments, and Happy Birthday bud! 18 hells yes! What else do I have to do this week?...Go to Walmart, someone remind me on monday to go to walmart, maybe I'll go on spare...I must consider this. K well I'm gonna head off to bed...Cya!

Ok So I am fully aware that tomorrow is St. Pat's but I just am not as excited as previous years. Something about not spending it with the people I'm used to spending it with has made it not as important. I miss my old dance girls so much. Like I love my new class but I still want them to be there and they aren't so its hard. So I went to the Brandon Wheat Kings game tonight. They won 4-2. It was good I went with Hilary. I have so much homework to do that I have to do before the weekend, and I have no time tomorrow so I guess I'm staying at school for lunch to work on it. Boo to that. Oh well I guess thats the price you pay for slacking on the homework. Unfortunate really. We'll see if I actually stay at school tho. I really should but actually doubt I will. Oh well I think I'm just gonna head out for tonight. Keep the messages coming, they are always a good time to read and reply to. K well I'm out...Cya!

Yeah so I'm in class right now, world issues to be exact. We're supposed to be looking up things on the Rwanada Genocide, but I can do more at home than I can here so I think I'm kinda done for today. Went to work last night, it kinda sucked tho because it was so dead and I'm so sick right now, I really didn't want to be there. I'm on cold medication but it really doesn't seem to help. I know I know its my fault I have the cold, I was warned blah blah blah. I wish I could get out of here. I want to be at home right now so I could just sleep. I'm so busy this week, I'll get no time to just hang out, but I guess thats a good thing because everyone else is busy too. Like todaI work, then I dance tomorrow, then I'm going out on friday night(thats my choice...lol) Then dance sat and sun then work monday. Maybe saturday after my show is done I'll be able to go out. That would be fun. It prolly won't happen, but its nice to think it might. Someone leave me a message, they are always fun to read. But right now I have to go so I'm out...Cya!

I had such a good night tonight. Nothing major, just a movie with Daniel, but it was a good movie. We watched Saw, which was pretty messed up but good nonetheless. Congrats to the Buckeyes boys hockey team. Great win on thursday boys, I'm so sorry I wasn't there to see it, but I heard it was amazing. I will for sure be there Wednesday tho, wouldn't miss that for anything. So I've gone back to being busy nonstop again, which is good actually cause it helps me not think about things, that otherwise I would obsess over. Always good :) K well I think I'm gonna go it's kinda late...Cya!

Went to reagan's today, had a good time being scrubbed out and eating cookie dough while putting up with the cleaning lady's very annoying child. Good times tho for sure. Going to Mike's tonight, but I'm driving so no drinking for me. Whatever it's all good, I really don't mind that much. Went shopping yesterday with Daniel. That was fun too. Had an interesting conversation while driving down portage. What is it with that boy and getting into very comprimising conversations. I really gotta learn to hold my tongue sometimes. Besides that tho it was really good, and we didn't even get mad at eachother all day. I think it's a record...lol. Things are going so good with everybody lately its kinda creepy. Good creepy tho I suppose. Friendships are getting better, relationships are getting worked out, things are just good in general. I was up till 4am last night cause I was in such a good mood I didn't want to go to sleep. It's insane, but I think I have insomnia(Right Kyle?...lol) No, no things are so good right now. No more rants about how shitty things are, at least not for a while. I guess before I sound like a prozak pill popper, I'm gonna go...Cya!

Ok so I've noticed that the last few journal entries have been in a tone that was not too pleasent. I apologize, but things weren't going as smoothly as planned so I was angry but I think things are getting better. (D) wasn't angry just pissed that I put him in teh situation we now find ourselves in. I know I know I never think about the consequences. Oh well I think things will turn out how ever fate intended them to. If things don't work out I still won't lose one of my bestfriends, and if they do I have a new bf. Good sides to this situation actually. I had a good night at dance, even tho I missed the dance at school, I don't think I regret it. But I should get back to the homework I'm supposed to be almost finished but haven't started...Cya!

Ok so things are done. Kinda good I guess, it went differently than expected tho. He wanted to make things work and I wasn't expecting that. He was like, I like you so much and we can make things work. Meanwhile I'm thinking What?! No things aren't supposed to be like that, you're supposed to move on, I mean we only went out three times. Oh well thats done, (D) prolly won't talk to me for a good three weeks and everything will be screwed. What a great life lesson. I've decided why I'm always attracted to the assholes. Its just cause I can be such a bitch and I need someone who won't get hurt if I decide to blow them off for a few days. That and I seem to have a thing for little, pasty guys with small heads...lol(right gina and liz?) Oh well, shit happens, I've probably lost one of my good friends/the person I really like, and as of now there's not a damn thing I can do to get them back. Aren't relationships wonderful?...Cya >ps insoluable: I miss you and I guess I'm ready to talk when you are. Just letting you know. Update**- 33 days till applications come out! March 7th!! Woowoo!!

There's really nothing to say. Something happened that I really wanted to happen, but I'm not allowed to say what, damn promises. But now I realize what I've been forcing myself into, and how I can't stand it, and how I feel isn't good at all. Fuck this...Cya

Ok so it's been over 2 weeks since I've updated. Um not too much happening, just the usual. Work, school, friends, that kinda stuff. My english exam is done, but I still have my chem and physics to do next week so that sucks, cause it's my two hardest. School is sucking hardcore lately. I want to be there cause I actually like classes more than seeing people lately. I know, kinda weird, but some things happened and yeah, it makes sense trust me. Ok so I had a "date" if you wanna call it that last weekend, and I have another one this weekend. It's fun, kinda awkward right now cause it was a set up deal, but I hope it gets more comfortable. Oh please let it get easier...lol. There are so many things I feel and try not to feel and try to feel my emotions have kinda numbed, until I started crying for no real good reason today. Fuck this sucks. I'm done for now...Cya.

Ok so it's 2005. I graduate in June. I turn 18 in August. I start University in September. So many big things happening this year and so little time...lol. So 2004 is done, but what has it really done for me. A lot of firsts I suppose...First boyfriend, first breakup, first job (K I know that was 2003 but I got hired on in 2004 :P), just a lot of firsts. There was some good things that happened, but there was the bad too, more bads than I hoped. Made some new friends, left some old ones behind, fought with the ones I'm closest with. There are so many things I have to leave behind with 2004, try and start new and not fall into the same rut again. Why is it so hard to leave them behind tho?...Well I guess that's it for now... HAPPY 2005! Let's hope this year is better than the last!~

So Christmas was yesterday. It didn't even feel like Christmas. Still now it didn't feel like Christmas was yesterday, it felt like it was just some day I didn't work. It's kinda sad actually. Oh well I hope next year will be better. So I got a printer/copier/scanner for my digital camera, even tho I have a feeling it has become the new family printer. K so here's another pic, I know it looks alot like the last one, and not quite as nice but maybe I'll change my mind and put up a different one still, we'll see. I'm excited for new years, I don't know what's going on yet but it'll be fun I know that much. K well there really isn't anything else to say...Cya!