Every part of me is giving in. Calling it a year, a lifetime. Saying their goodbyes I am killing myself right now. I feel off and wrong and the conviction that used to swim in my veins has been drained. My muscles lack energy my brain stimulation and my soul is all out of inspiration. My heart is well, in love, driving every other part of me insane. My mouth is dry and not from any wine but from my mundane way. I can't think of anything new to say.

Just do it. Jump. The platform The cliff Off your ten story building Just do it. Oxys are in the last drawer, two bottles of wine in the fridge. DO IT DO IT DO IT Just do it Your ex-boyfriend's razor is still by the bathtub. Just do it. So the catchphrase goes. Need a little inspiration? Want to get a little creative? Beat yourself to death. Bruise your face, crack your skull on a concrete wall. Let's go traditional housewife-style. Head in the oven. Or historical classic. Hanging in a barn. Find a gun, bring it to your temples. You can do anything you put mind your to. So the catchphrase goes. Just do it. Drag along your guilt, pain, anger and shame. Do it. Need a little inspiration?

Even if it feels bigger than you, it cannot be because it is a product of your mind.

crack.

satisfaction presents itself in an unorthodox fashion it slurs and burps, strips and teases binges and purges. tripped over the wire-thin line that separates carelessness from happiness. (you, too, would have slipped) ego defender. i never lose. i've seen these cards, played this game and made the same bets. (a slap across the face. a red burning mark. but i wanted the spanking on my behind.)

left, right. black? white? maps folded, kept close to the heart. seeking, always. seeking see, king. no! queen. a queen. with a red cape, majestic eyes and a leather whip. things look different from the top, elusive dominance.

Motivation? to lay an egg, and let you hatch it. bruised, calloused, ink stained fingers variation of words that hum the same movements. the way the paper feels against my shriveled hands, the clicks the keys scream but mostly for the sensation oh! oh! deeper penetration! for(e)[word]play, to get my fix, an endless desire to find tranquility. i am, and will always remain hunched over a puzzle that will not negotiate. this is mostly an obsession with its refusal to reveal itself.