Well... I liked my Christmas I talked to Ms. Shirley one of my most beloved special people in my life... I wish I could talk to her more... Well over all things are better, I’m not facing the edge of death or anything or considering anything crazy... not now anyways But not I mean I feel more open now but still not like idk its hard to explain I feel open now that I have completely exposed myself and feeling for the one I love but I feel now more wanted in his life and I feel like I’m actually worth something and a kind of effort.. But I am still waiting for him to see if he'll think about reading my entrys or ask me more things and pays a little more attention... He's done pretty good so far within one night of me expressing myself he's lied and didn’t tell me about something soo.. Were trying to make some development... He lied about going to his friends Nolan well not about going there but about doing something there but nothing big he says he didn't so I believe him and it took him about 2 hours to get back to my house from his and Nolan lives close to him so I thought it should only take maybe and hour or a little over seeing that it only takes 30 min to get to the place he's going... But yeah and today I just now talked to him for the first time today like an hour ago not even and he didn't tell me where he was going and didn't call and he kind of made plans with me because he was out of town for a couple of days visiting his aunt and uncle... I don’t mind him going out but I kind of would like to know what he is doing and it’s mutual so I don’t want to seem like a nagging bitchy wife or something… It’s not anything though with him leaving I can live you know but I wish he could tell me things like I can him and not need to lie first... Yeah I get the truth out of him always but I don't think I should have to force the answer for him to tell me... I don't get a knife and force him I pretty much ask him questions and get the truth that way, I’m kind of good at it... He just doesn't know yet that I know when he is lying I’m not stupid I’ve been dating him for about 16 months.... His aunt got me the cutest sweater and I got a bath set from him with a hair straightener and some adadis perfume but my biggest gift which costed 360.00 was an mp3 player that has 20 GB and can hold up to 20,000 songs soo... Yeah I also talked to mi-linh and worked things out with her u know and I think we actually are being a little more friendly and talking I don't feel completely replaceable now that I’ve talked to her about it. Well I kind of talked to her brother first Brent and asked him if she hated me and shit and he thought we just got bored with each other and I told him I felt like I was unwanted and his sister could never have that kind of bond friendship we had before I moved because so much has happened...I don’t have much of friends kind of just a women’s man I guess… but it’s good… I talked to her about her always telling me about Jackie and Jackie always talking about her... you know that’s not the things you want to hear from a person when you want to talk to them and ask them about their lives and what they do everyday.... I didn't want to hear about yeah Jackie does this and I’m doing this with her and u know that’s kewl and all but I don't care about Jackie when I talk to Mi-linh if I want to know about her I’ll ask her you know and I have nothing against either one but when I talk to Jackie she just talks about Mi-linh and guys or something... but its kewl now I talked to her and she is talking to me like I might be some part of her life now... I also kind of blew up the other day like I wanted to hurt myself so bad and I couldn't stop crying like all I could think about was why even bother just settle everyone's problems and get rid of the think they hate and I felt like I was messing everyone's life and I was trying so hard to talk to Wes and be honest to where my true feelings wouldn't hurt his. and my brother kept pissing me off and Wes would just be like get over it and I would cry because I hated to be called a bitch but I have my reasons my whole life hasn't been like cake... Wes I think thinks maybe my life is set I live like a queen in my palace... yeah I know I might have it good and can get what I want but not to be mean I think I deserve it for the most part I have done so much for people that I wish Wes knew about and I do so much for my family and I would put anyone first before me including my brother in times I don't but I know I would... if their was a fire I would run back in and try and help I would really I wouldn’t care if I had 3rd degree burns on my face forever if I could safe a life that matters which could be anybody.... I look at life as everyone pretty much either helps each other of fucks over each other and overall the people are helping because this world works mutual but then they don’t its hard to explain how I look at it but everything in work industries and stuff as in a boss and then their boss and if they fuck up then you pretty much fuck up but someone in this world as a boss's boss makes good decisions and problems get solve everyday that people don't realizes it effects their life more than what they think it would... Like a person who builds rodes or businesses and invents products people enjoy... I don't think everyone appreciates the things we have and why and what if we didn't everyone wants something when they walk into a store and sees something they like whether its clothes or food something someone invented helps satisfies your wants... People don't realize…! Well while I was pouring my heart out to him yesterday right before he lied to me I was telling him how in depth I thought about things and my decisions and how he doesn't know how much he really effects my life... I think now he knows a little more but as I look back on what I write I thought he didn't know how I really felt but he might now... so that kind of gives me more hope not that I didn't have any but I told him I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I can't live with someone who doesn't know how I feel or everyday I have to put up with something I don't like and causes problems between us... His jokes he use to make made me feel more shocked and untrusted then he thought... I told him things effect most women pretty much more like 10 time emotionally then guys... I know my life is based upon emotions and it rules my life I cry more now I feel more open to do so with a guy that can except my feeling but I have a hard time expressing now because I feel as it is a problem my emotions are so strong and effect me so much that I actually might once kill myself I think if I were to emotional and I know at times I over act but I feel more controllable now that I feel I don't have to be that way and I choose to want to be happy I want to best for me and people I love I really do I don't feel like I have to be more expressed because I don't feel need to be in the position that will make me that way…. But I do get over myself and times are rough but I honesty think suicide doesn’t help anybody, and it can change other people dramatically I know it would for me at least. I think every women should be pure and should only love and make love to one I honesty do I sware and I feel as if my decision with this man wasn’t right then I wouldn’t every be able to put myself in a position like that again ever! When I make a commitment I am committed believe me and if I wasn’t then I’d have problems with myself… and I choose Wes as my first like a year ago and I believe we can make it and we’ve been through a lot and yeah we argue day-by-day sometimes but its not enough to break something up if your devoted to something special in your life… I love Wes and I think if you read my entry daily you’d probably already knew that but I really hope someone reads this entry and thinks a little maybe like I do and hopefully can love a good life with that one person and can be pure and not a whore and marry and screw one person in their lifetime… I wish that women could think like I do when it comes to sex and how many people its gross to know that you’ve had some many dicks that you don’t know who’s the father… it makes me sad to hear women on Maury and try and find the baby’s father but have been on the show about 14 times with 20 different guys… its sad I think it’s a gift god gave every girl a gift of virginity and only they should be able to choose who they can be intimate with and I think it should be only one person because its that special or at least I think it should be… It shouldn’t be taking as a game… But the good things in life are hard to find so search and if you’re worth it you’ll be rewarded Not a promise but more than likely if your good to people and the world and don’t fuck up your life I’m pretty sure that it would run smoother it is for me And don’t be afraid to speak up if you do, your problems and questions would be answered much more easier than ignoring the problems you think about most Wanting to be helpful and not afraid to be open!! I’m not going to hide anything and I don’t think anyone should as far as feeling to actions be more open in life and you’ll find more to live for in life! *trying*